


The Cold Feeling

by neon_bible



Series: The Cold Feeling [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-11 13:49:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 90,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5628859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_bible/pseuds/neon_bible
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What about Poe?

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [The Cold Feeling : Traduction](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6843421) by [EmileAjar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmileAjar/pseuds/EmileAjar), [neon_bible](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_bible/pseuds/neon_bible)
  * Translation into Polski available: [The Cold Feeling](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8681803) by [Kwiatek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kwiatek/pseuds/Kwiatek)



///CHAPTER 1

Kylo Ren clenched and unclenched his fists. His eyes scanned the room for the stress ball they’d given him to squeeze, but he couldn’t find it. He clenched his fists again, forming a tight ball. Tighter. And tighter until he felt his fingernails dig into his palms. He buried his head between his knees, his chest heaving. He took in sharp breaths over and over, without the ability to let a breath out. His mind became foggy. The cold feeling returned to him now, creeping up his spine vertebrae by vertebrae until it reached his neck and his head snapped back and he looked at the abyss before him.

Snoke was here.

 _No!_ The rational side of his brain called out to him.

_Snoke isn’t here._

He took in another sharp breath. His spine ached now and and he sat straight up against the wall, like a bolt of lightning ran through his spine. His head and neck arched back and he looked up to the ceiling.

_Snoke isn’t here. Snoke isn’t here._

He shut his eyes tight and repeated his mantra. But, his brain, increasingly foggy without its oxygen, gave up its fight as he slumped over.

 ///

Poe fiddled with BB-8’s new antenna while the droid rolled around the workspace in anticipation. He emitted a few inquisitive beeps.

“I’m working on it, bud. It’ll be ready in just a second,” Poe murmured as focused closely on intertwining the tiny wires.

BB-8 beeped again and rolled in a circle.

“Poe?”

Poe looked to the doorway. General Leia Organa stood there. Her body language was more timid than he’d ever seen in her. She had her arms folded nervously across her chest and her feet had stopped just short of crossing the threshold.

 _Weird._ He thought.

She was usually so direct and forward when she came to him with a request. Or a command. Still, Poe straightened up at her presence.

“General Organa. Hi,” he said. BB-8 beeped a greeting and stopped his anxious rolling.

“Hello,” she said.

They sat awkwardly for a few moments.

“What can I do for you?” Poe asked.

“Yes, I wanted to ask you something,” she said.

“Sure,” Poe said with a shrug.

Leia entered the space now, hesitantly. She stood off to the side with her arms still crossed.

“You know that my son is back,” she said.

Poe nodded. He did know that Kylo Ren had come home -- more than 12 months ago. But he didn’t know much more. No one had seen him. Leia didn’t talk about him. All that anyone knew was that he’d been collected from the wreckage of the First Order’s final battle at Undu. He’d been brought home to Cronoe and had been kept in seclusion.

“Yes,” Poe said, “I’d heard.”

He tried to play it cool, but the rumors were flying, and he knew that Leia probably knew. Some said that he’d lost all of his limbs in the final battle at Undu. Others claimed he’d had nearly all of his skin burned off. Poe thought that sounded a little too close to Vader’s demise and preferred to side with the rumors that Kylo Ren had a mechanical eye and half a jaw. That seemed more reasonable.

“How is he?” Poe asked, then regretted it.

“You don’t have to answer that,” he added quickly.

Leia smiled.

“He’s doing fine,” she said.

“Oh?”

A silence.

“That’s good,” Poe said, nodding.

Leia nodded.

“Yeah, he’s ok. But, he hasn’t, um,” she paused, “He hasn’t really seen anyone besides family since he’s been home.”

Poe nodded.

“And I think he could use some company. Some different company.”

Poe nodded. _Where is she going with this?_

“He was a pretty good pilot before...” she said, not quite finishing her sentence, “And you have a good sense of humor. And he does too. And I think he could stand to laugh a bit.”

Poe nodded, still confused about what she wanted from him. Then he realized.

“Oh,” he said slowly, “You want me...? To hang out with him?”

Leia shrugged.

“I mean, if you don’t mind,” she said softly, “I think you two would have a lot in common. And I know he seems mysterious, but he’s really pretty easy to talk to. And he’s funny. And I think he misses talking to anyone besides me and Luke.”

“Oh,” Poe said, not sure what to say next.

_My boss wants me to hang out with her former murderous dark side psychopathic son? Fuck. Fuck no._

“Sure,” Poe said, with a smile, “That sounds great.”

 ///

“He needs to start making new friends. Forming new relationships,” the base's head medic said to Luke and Leia, glancing inside the bedroom where Kylo Ren slept on his bed, curled into a ball.

“Physically, he’s fine. But his mental and emotional health won’t improve much more until he forms new relationships. Healthy ones.”

Leia hugged her arms and looked out over the green hills and clear blue waters of the eastern coast of Cronoe. Luke hugged her shoulders.

“Is there anyone you think he could talk to? Anyone who could be a friend? Anyone to help ground him in the present instead of the past?” the medic asked.

Leia glanced at her son resting in bed. She’d found him passed out on the floor of his room when she’d gone up to see why he hadn’t responded to her calls for dinner. The last time he’d passed out after a vision, he’d hit his head on the way down. She was grateful he hadn’t hurt himself this time, aside from the damage to his palms. But the visions weren’t decreasing in frequency, and seemed to be increasing in severity.

“I don’t know,” Leia murmured, “I don’t know who he could spend time with.” Kylo Ren had ruined nearly every relationship with anyone from his home planet -- and every relationship with former dark side allies.

“What about one of the pilots? He used to love flying,” Luke offered, “They could at least have something to talk about?”

She glanced at Ren again. He was manic when he’d woken up from being passed out. He was certain that Snoke was there. He said he _knew_ that Snoke was there. He was sweaty and his eyes were dilated. The medic they kept on hand near the Organa Estate had given him something to help him sleep, and they’d summoned his primary medic.

“That could work,” Leia said.

“What about Poe? Poe Dameron?” Luke asked.

Leia nodded. She liked Poe. Funny, charismatic, easy to talk to. She reminded her of Han.

“I’ll ask him.”


	2. New Chimes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: Poe, after accepting Leia's invite to hang out with Kylo Ren, runs the idea by his best friend (and Kylo Ren's cousin) Rey, who couldn't be more against it. Not wanting to back out on General Organa, Poe proceeds as planned and meets the mysterious Kylo Ren anyways.

///CHAPTER 2

As soon as Poe finished his conversation with Leia, he sent Rey a flurry of very important and urgent emergency 911 support text messages -- he sent her those often, usually related to a break up, but he promised this one was serious.

They met at their favorite watering hole for a drink as soon as they could both get away from their duties at the base. They sat at the bar, placing drink orders before getting down to business.

“Ok. What the hell is going on with you?” Rey asked.

Poe looked at her. Her eyes were always truthful. He thought about how to phrase his question.

“Have you seen Kylo Ren? Like, since he’s been back?” he paused, waiting for a response, “Like, back here?”

She looked down. Poe knew she would. She could never look him in the eyes and say anything besides the truth.

“No. You know I haven’t seen him. Why?” Rey asked, busying herself by looking down at the bartender.

“Rey,” Poe said softly, “You haven’t seen him even _once_? Not even when you’re with Luke? Not with Leia?”

Rey shifted her weight in her seat, still looking anywhere but at Poe.

_Why is she lying to me?_

They were silent a few moments. The bartender dropped off their drinks. Rey took a huge swig.

“Fine. I’ve seen him a few times,” she murmured, placing her glass down on the bar with a little more force than necessary, “Why? Why are you asking me this?”

Poe, a little taken by her sudden change in mood, touched her arm.

“Leia talked to me. She asked me to hang out with him.”

“To _hang out_ with him?”

“Yeah.”

“What the hell for?”

Poe shrugged.

“She just said that he misses having people to talk to besides her and Luke.”

Rey took another swig of her drink. Poe sipped his. They fell silent again.

“I take it you don’t think this is a good idea?”

“No,” Rey said quickly, “No. It’s definitely not a good idea.”

“Can I ask _why_ you don’t think it’s a good idea? Specifically? Like can you cite specific examples, or--”

Rey looked at him with wide eyes. Her voice rose.

“Because he’s a mass murderer and a psycho and lacks any emotional stability.”

_Ok, yeah. Those are pretty convincing reasons..._

“Leia said he was fine.”

“Fine? She said he was _fine?_ He’s not fine,” Rey said, “He’s crazy! My dad just had to go over last week because they found him passed out on his floor -- again -- and Leia was hysterical. He has recurring waking nightmares or something and it becomes so bad that he faints.”

Poe sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Had Leia lied to him?

“He’s awful,” Rey said and finished her drink. She signaled for another.

“Wait. Did you just drink that whole thing in like 2 minutes?”

“Oh, shut up,” she said, rolling her eyes.

Poe had clearly pissed her off by even bringing up Kylo Ren.

“Ok,” Poe said, “So just to be clear, you _definitely_ don’t think I should go hang out with him?”

“No!” Rey shouted, “Of course not!”

Poe nodded.

“Ok,” he said.

“Ok?” she asked

“Yeah. Ok,” he said.

“Ok, good,” Rey said.

“Ok, but just like … one small thing?” Poe said.

“What?”

“I already told Leia yes.”

///

As much as Poe dreaded the meeting, and as much as Rey had protested, he stayed true to his word. With feet like lead, he approached the main door of General Organa’s home. It was a beautiful home on a beautiful estate. Lush, green, soft and friendly with sweeping views of the coast and eastern ridges. He’d been to her home before for New Republic dinners and celebrations, but never just for a one-on-one meeting.

Poe hadn’t known what to wear, so he wore what he always wore -- a standard pants and jacket combo. Once he got to the door, he rang the door chimes. He smoothed down his hair while he waited for someone to answer. Hopefully not Kylo Ren.

_God, please don’t let it be Kylo Ren._

The door opened. It was Leia. Poe was thrilled.

“General Organa. Hi,” he said, “New chimes?”

She smiled and opened the door wider to let him in.

“Yes. New chimes. Ben hung them up for me.”

_Kylo Ren hanging door chimes for mom? That’s pretty cute._

“Thank you for coming. Ben is so excited to have someone to talk to besides me and Luke.”

Poe tried to imagine Kylo Ren being excited.

“Would you like anything to drink?”

_The strongest booze from the eastern ridge would be nice._

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

She smiled, nodding. She seemed nervous too.

“Well, dinner will be ready shortly. I’m just finishing up. Maybe you guys can chat while he sets the table?”

_He sets the table for his mom?_

Poe chuckled to himself.

“Sure.”

She smiled. Yeah, she was nervous.

“Ben?” She called out, “Poe is here. Can you come say hi and set the table?”

_Oh, fuck. What do I call him? Ben? Kylo? Ren? Kylo Ren?_

Poe heard footsteps in the hall. His mind raced.

_I just won’t call him anything. Yeah. That’ll work. Fuck. What about his mechanical jaw? Is he horribly disfigured? Is he a robot? No one’s seen his face lately. He definitely has half a face. Do I just look at his feet? Above his head? Shit. I can’t do this._

Ren entered the room quietly, with soft-treading footsteps. He was tall. Taller than Poe had imagined he’d be, minus all the layers of black and the intimidating mask. He was slender and lean, but with a strong chest and arms. His limbs seemed long, like they went on forever. His dark wavy hair was pulled up into a bun, with stray tendrils displaced near the back of his neck. He was clean shaven. His eyes were cast down at his bare feet. He was dressed in a white tunic with grey leggings.

“Ben, can you say hi to Poe?” Leia asked gently, like it was maybe a possibility that he _couldn’t_ say hi to Poe.

Kylo Ren lifted his head now and his eyes met Poe’s. He had a faint diagonal scar on his face, running across his eye socket, but that was it.

_Thank god he has a face._

Ren’s face was captivating. Cavernous, asymmetrical and complex, with exaggerated features and small moles all over. Framed by long lashes, his eyes were dark and surprisingly fierce, but docile. Their eyes met and Kylo Ren surveyed him. Poe glanced away.

“Hi,” he said, his voice was soft, but deep and strong, easily filling the room, “I’m Ben Solo.”

Ren extended his hand.

“Hi, Ben. I’m Poe. Poe Dameron. Nice to meet you.”

They shook hands. His hands were warm, his shake was firm.

“The last first time we met I think I was wearing a mask or whatever,” Ren said, motioning to and around his face.

Poe smiled. _A sense of humor?_

“Yeah I think you were,” he said.

“I think you’d also tried to kill me?”

Poe smiled wider. He’d fired a blaster at him, which Ren had stopped immediately. He’d forgotten about that.

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

Ren shrugged and smiled.

“It’s ok. I was being kind of a dick.”

Poe chuckled.

_Maybe this won’t be so bad after all._

///

After a leisurely paced dinner and dessert, Leia and their protocol droid D-46Y, cleaned up dishes while Ren and Poe brewed matcha tea in the garden. It was his first time alone with Ren since he’d arrived at the house about two hours prior. Dinner conversation between the three of them had come easily. Ren’s nervousness wore off more and more as they talked and soon, the warmth of his smile filled the whole room. Poe had noticed the dimples on his cheeks and the lightness in his eyes. Even though Poe knew about his past, he seemed nothing like the mass-murdering psychopath Rey had painted him as.

Out in the garden, Ren was still barefoot on the cold stones and soft grass. He worked carefully to brew the tea. His hands were big and strong, with long fingers.

“You just upgraded your T-70, right?” Ren asked as he filled another tea pocket with the matcha mixture.

The question caught Poe by surprise.

“I did,” Poe said with a nod.

“New mag-pulse launchers and laser cannons?”

Poe nodded.

“How’d you know?”

“Mom mentioned it when we were going over the expense reports. I help her sometimes.”

Poe smiled.

“Yeah. The market price of mag-pulse launchers is steadily rising,” he admitted.

Ren smiled a bit, then looked down timidly. They were silent for a few moments while Ren finished the tea. He brought a mug over to Poe.

“Could I see it sometime?”

“The fighter?” Poe asked.

Ren nodded.

“Yeah. If that’s ok?”

“Oh,” Poe said, “Yeah. Of course.”

Ren smiled. Their eyes met again. Their eyes _really_ met.

“Thanks,” he said, “I’d really like that.”


	3. It's Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: During one of his mind-cooling therapy sessions, Ren revisits a memory from when he and Hux were still together, when everything was different and when no one called him Ben. Later, Poe and Ren go on their first unofficial date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out, the story's timeline will include flashbacks. When that happens, you'll see a transition note in the text to start the flashback, and then another to signify that the timeline has moved back to the present. 
> 
> Also I'll stop being lazy and add chapter titles. 
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments. You guys are pretty dope.

///CHAPTER THREE

“Have you ever been in love, Ben?”

Ren looked down at his thumbs in his lap.

_What a fucking awkward question._

He shrugged.

“Yeah,” he said, “Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

Ben looked up at his mind-cooling therapist. She was a medic who’d worked with other Jedi for decades and who understood the Force. She was a kind person, and one of the few therapists who’d even been willing to work with Kylo Ren. He’d met all three possible therapists a few weeks after arriving home, but he’d quickly struck out with the other two.

Ren shrugged.

“Yeah. I was in love I guess.”

“Can you tell me more about that?”

/// _Three Years Earlier_

It had been a terribly long day, and Ren was glad to be back on the _Finalizer_ after a nearly two week mission to the outer reaches to hunt down some sort of rare Jedi relic Snoke wanted in his possession. The mission had gone surprisingly awry, taking a week longer than planned. He’d gotten back late at night to find Hux sleeping in his bed. He’d taken off his mask and shaken him awake.

“Hux?”

Hux’s eyes snapped open in the darkness. He panicked, until he realized it was Ren.

“Ren!” He sat up now and threw his arms around Ren’s neck, “What the fuck? Where have you been? You couldn’t have called me?”

Ren hugged him back, tight and close.

“We had a communications break down,” Ren said, “I’m sorry.”

They hugged for nearly a full minute before Hux finally let go and Ren climbed into bed next to him, layers and all. Their fingers intertwined and Ren kissed Hux’s knuckles.

“How was the mission?” Hux asked.

“Fucking terrible,” Ren said with a sigh.

Hux chuckled and squeezed Ren’s fingers.

“Did you get whatever obscure object you where after? An old glove? Luke Skywalker’s childhood retainer? A bantha husk?”

Ren laughed.

“We were looking for a crystal. And yes. We got it. Finally,” Ren said, his head falling back to rest on his headboard. It was good to be home. Good to be with Hux.

“Good,” Hux said, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Ren said.

“Take off all that shit and get in bed. I have to be up early for a commander’s teleconference.”

Ren smiled.

He hopped out of bed and began taking off all his layers.

“You’re not leaving again soon are you?” Hux asked as he slid back down under the covers.

“No,” Ren said, “No more missions on the schedule for a while.”

“Good,” Hux said.

Ren finished undressing a few minutes later, leaving his layers in a heap on the floor, and climbed into bed next to Ren.

“You’re sleeping on my side, you know,” Ren said.

“It’s not _your_ side,” Hux said.

“It _is_ my side. It’s my bed. And that’s my side. You know I like it over there.”

Hux sighed.

“You want to switch?” Hux asked.

“Please,” Ren said.

They switched sides and settled in. They both laid on their backs and their fingers found each other under the blankets. They intertwined their fingers again and squeezed.

“Better?” Hux asked.

“Better.” Ren said.

/// _Present_

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” Ren said to his therapist.

“You don’t want to tell me about it? Or you don’t want to talk about it?”

Ren shrugged. Was there a difference?

“Ok,” the therapist said, “If I ask you a question about it, will you answer? You only have to say yes or no.”

Ren shrugged. That sounded easy enough.

“Ok, well let’s give it try. You can tell me if you want to stop,” she said, “Is that ok?”

Ren shrugged, but then nodded.

“Were you married?”

Ren shook his head.

“Were you in a serious relationship?”

Ren shrugged.

“Sort of,” he said.

“An on/again off again relationship?” she asked.

“No,” Ren said, “Not really. But sort of.”

“An undefined ‘i _t’s complicated’_ relationship?”

Ren nodded.

“Ok,” the therapist said with a nod, “So you weren’t quite _officially_ together, but you weren’t _not_ together?”

Ren nodded. This lady was good.

“Do you mind telling me her name?”

“His name,” Ren corrected.

“Ok,” the therapist nodded again, “Do you mind telling me his name?”

“Hux.”

“Did you love Hux?”

Ren nodded.

“Yes,” he said, “Very much.”

“Do you still love Hux?”

“Yes,” Ren said softly, “Very much.”

///

Ren and Poe met to see the X-Wing fighter at the hangar two days later on a Jedi holiday - a day where the base was closed and they knew it would be empty. Ren wanted to see the specialized fighter, but not with the whole command center staff there to witness the _Return of Kylo Ren_. He hadn’t yet made a public appearance. He hadn’t really left the estate at all.

Poe activated the door to the hangar and they waited as it rose. Once it was up, they entered and Poe flipped on the lights. They flickered to life, row by row, reluctant to warm up.

“Here she is,” Poe said, his eyes bright.

Ren moved in closer and inspected it. “Wow,” he said, taking it in. “Is this the standard underslung blaster cannon?”

“No, that’s specialized too.”

Ren moved around beneath it, ducking under the wings and checking out the rear.

“It’s beautiful, Poe.”

Poe smiled like a proud father would.

“What kind of hard drive does it run?”

“A central unit. Originally used by the T-85s, but outfitted with new software.”

Ren nodded. He touched one of the wing-mounted laser cannons.

“Do you still use BB-8 as your astromech?”

“I do,” Poe said, “Always.”

Ren smiled.

“How is BB-8?”

“Never better,” Poe said with a smile, “He just got a new antenna with a wider range and he’s really geeked about it.”

Ren chuckled.

“He’s a great droid,” Ren said.

“One of a kind.”

Ren joined Poe at the front of the craft after checking it out for a few more minutes.

“Want to see the inside?”

Ren’s eyes lit up.

“Could I?”

“Of course,” Poe said as he pulled a ladder over for himself on one side and another for Ren.

They both climbed up and peeked in. They chatted about controls and weapons upgrades. Ren asked questions and Poe answered. He seemed excited. He hadn’t been able to imagine Kylo Ren experiencing excitement, but he was seeing it now. When they’d had enough, they descended the ladders and Ren looked around. Remembering where he was, he seemed to get uncomfortable.

He shifted his weight and looked down at his feet.

“Want a tour of the hangar?” Poe asked.

Ren looked up at him, their eyes met.

“Is that ok?”

“Of course,” Poe said, with a shrug, “It’s pretty much my hangar.”

“Ok,” Ren said, his eyes brightening again.

Poe led Ren around the hangar, pointing out the newest features and upgrades, pilot’s stations and droid repair centers. Ren nodded. Poe had never seen the inside of a First Order hangar in great detail, but he had heard rumors that they had two specialized Tie Fighters for every pilot, with a private docking station that included a medical assessment droid and premium hydration options immediately upon de-boarding.

“It’s warm,” Ren said.

“Warm? In here?”

“Yeah. The feeling, you know? In the whole hangar. It’s warm.”

“Oh,” Poe said, “Yeah. It is warm I guess.”

He figured this was in comparison to the First Order hangars, which he could only guess had felt cold.

They stood on the landing of the second floor overlook. Ren rested with his elbows on the rail, slightly bent over.

“It’s beautiful,” he said, “I like it here.”

“Yeah,” Poe said, looking at Ren now, “I like it too.”

Ren’s dark eyes were fixed on a nonspecific place in the distance, his thought pensive. His hair had been pulled up in a bun when Poe had picked him up, but he’d let it down on the way over. Poe had tried to ignore the way Ren’s hair had fallen to his shoulders, wavy and sleek, but a touch messy. He looked terribly good in his all-black getup, -- a jacket, shirt, pants and boots.

“What made you want to be a resistance pilot?” Ren straightened and looked at him, his eyes focused on Poe’s.

“My parents fought with the Alliance. My mother was killed on a mission when I was young,” he said with a shrug, “Made me want to join the cause too.”

Ren nodded. Their eyes met and stayed locked. For longer than both of them maybe would’ve meant.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” Ren said softly, looking down now, “I know this was probably the last thing you ever imagined yourself doing. But I really appreciate it.”

Poe nodded.

“Yeah, of course,” he said, wishing Ren would lift his eyes back up.

“Ben?” Poe said softly.

Ren looked up, his eyes meeting Poe’s.

“You’re welcome to come back anytime. I mean it.”


	4. Head Off the Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: Poe tells Rey about his dinner and hangar date with Ren - she's less than pleased to hear it. She responds by telling Poe that she thinks there is still darkness in Ren. In a flashback, the nature of Ren and Hux's former relationship begins to come to light.

///CHAPTER FOUR

“How was the hangar with Poe today?” Leia asked as she and Ren sat at the table and served their plates for dinner.

They were seated across from each other. It was just the two of them tonight. Luke usually came by for dinner, but was off-planet for a Trade Committee Summit.

“It was good,” he said, “It was really good. Poe is nice.”

“Nice?”

Ren nodded.

“He said I could come back anytime, which was nice of him to say, even though I can’t really go back anytime.”

“Sure you can, sweetheart,” Leia said.

Ren spooned more bulgur wheat onto his plate.

“No,” he said softly, “I really don’t think I can.”

///

Rey had been strategically avoiding Poe ever since their conversation at the watering hole. They hadn’t seen in each other in nearly a week. Poe sought her out the morning after his hangar visit with Ren, waiting in her meditation quarters for her to arrive for her midday “ _get in touch with the light”_ zen hour.

“Fuck,” she said when the door raised, revealing Poe sprawled on her zen rug, “You scared me.”

She entered the space and kicked off her shoes.

“Move. Get out. You can’t be here,” she said.

Poe scooted off to the side and Rey joined him on the floor and assumed her meditation position, back straight, legs crossed, palms face up on her knees. Her eyes floated shut.

“I had dinner with Leia and Ben,” Poe said.

“You mean Kylo Ren,” she said without opening her eyes.

Poe shrugged. He decided to leave semantics aside for now.

“Sure. Dinner with Leia and Kylo Ren,” Poe crossed his legs, “Here’s the thing. I thought he was great.”

“Great?” Rey said, looking at him from the side of her now open eyes.

“Yeah,” Poe said.

“Great?” she repeated.

“Yeah,” Poe said with a shrug.

“Great? No. The formation of the New Republic is great. The new hangar we built is great. My midday zen hour is great. Kylo Ren is not great.”

Poe sighed.

“He was nice. Friendly. We talked. Had no trouble making conversation.”

Rey ignored him, closing her eyes again. They were silent for a few moments.

“Funny you should mention the hangar,” Poe said hesitantly, “I, uh… took him there. Let him see my X-Wing. Gave him a tour.”

Rey’s eyes snapped open.

“What?”

“Leia said it was ok.”

“Are you crazy?”

Poe sighed.

“Rey, has it ever occurred to you that maybe he’s different. That maybe he’s changed?”

“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I know more about him than you and Leia and Luke,” she said, her eyes bright and fierce.

Poe sat in silence, no quippy one-liner came to him.

“He is _still_ Kylo Ren. Sure, there is some light in him, but there is still so much dark in him. I feel the darkness when I’m near him and it’s terrifying, Poe. Like nothing I’ve felt.”

Poe was silent for a moment.

“Well…” he said.

“Well, what?”

Poe shifted his weight nervously.

“So now is probably a bad time to mention that I maybe definitely have a crush on him?”

///  _Three Years Earlier_

“You can’t be serious?” Ren stared at Hux.

Hux smirked and crossed the room confidently, stepping around Kylo Ren as he did.

“Yes, I’m serious,” Hux said. Ren had taken his mask off and was holding it now, tucked under his arm near his torso.

“ _All_ of the Class II Star Cruisers are booked? For the next _four_ weeks?” Ren’s nostrils flared.

“Yes,” Hux said.

“That’s bullshit. I just checked before I came here. There are seven available and they’re all on hold under your name,” Ren said.

“Meaning they’re booked,” Hux said.

“Booked for what?” Ren asked. “Are they under repair? Are they saving refugees from the outer reaches? What the fuck are you doing with seven Class II Star Cruisers?”

“It’s none of your business, Ren,” Hux said.

“I _need_ one, Hux.”

“For what?”

“None of your business,” Ren said.

Hux sighed.

“You can’t keep taking out Star Cruisers because you almost always destroy them, Ren.”

“I do not.”

“You do.”

“I do not.”

“Of the last five Class II Star Cruisers you've checked out, three haven’t been returned. One was returned in horrible condition.”

Ren shrugged.

“Yeah… and the fifth one was fine.”

“It was not fine. The secondary comm station was destroyed by what the mechanics determined was a lightsaber.”

Ren shrugged. “Right. Secondary. Not primary,” he said.

Hux ignored him.

“I’ll bring it back this time. I swear.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

Ren moved closer to him now, shutting the doors of the room with a motion of his hands. He looked Hux in his eyes and spoke softly.

“Hux. Please,” Ren said.

“Why don’t you just take your command shuttle?”

“Because it’s a stealth operation. If my command shuttle flies in everyone will know it’s me.”

“So instead you want to take a giant First Order Class II Star Cruiser on your stealth mission?”

“Hux,” Ren said again, even softer and looking deeper into his eyes, “Please?”

Hux sighed, Ren’s dark eyes piercing through him, his long dark lashes blinking against his skin.

“Don’t give me those eyes, Ren,” Hux said.

“I’ll let you sleep on my side of the bed,” Ren said.

Hux ignored him.

“I’ll let you fuck me in the shower.”

“In the shower?” Hux said, raising an eyebrow. Ren thought fucking in the shower was too slippery and dangerous. Too great a risk for the return.

“In the shower,” Ren confirmed.

“Just once … or ...?”

“As much as you want for the next six weeks,” Ren said.

“Twelve.”

“Eight.”

“Ten.”

“Fine. Ten.”

Hux walked over to the computer and typed in his credentials.

“One last thing to button up the terms of our deal,” Hux said as he typed.

Ren rolled his eyes.

“What?”

“You haven’t given me a proper blow job in at least two days,” Hux said.

“What? I just gave you a blow job today. This morning,” Ren said, his eyes wide, “Like,  _two_ hours ago.”

“I said a _proper_ blow job,” Hux said, still typing.

“Proper?”

“Oh, you know how I like it,” Hux said, looking Ren directly in his eyes now, “Lying on the bed. On your back. Head hanging over the edge so your throat is nice and open and you gag less while I stand over you and thrust until the back of your throat is too sore for you to raise your voice at me the next day when I inevitably do something to piss you off.”

Ren rolled his eyes to the heavens and back.

“Fuck. Ok,” Ren said, “We’ll do head off the bed.”

Hux typed a bit more and hit some buttons on the touch screen. Ren put his mask back on and looked over Hux’s shoulder.

“I also want another blow job now. A quick one will do. I know you have a meeting with Snoke to get to.”

Ren took his mask back off, rolled his eyes again and kneeled down. Hux turned to face him and Ren unfastened and unzipped his pants.

“You’re the worst, you know that?” Ren said, “Forcing me to trade my body for something I truly need in order to--”

Hux silenced him with a thrust and a hand on the back of his head to guide it. He tangled his fingers in Ren’s dark hair, tangling more and more and pulling harder until he finished a few minutes later, without warning. Ren stood up, wiped the corners of his mouth and put his mask back on. Hux fastened his pants and turned back to the computer station.

“You know all I’ve had to eat today is your come?” Ren said, his mask making the sentence sound absurdly comical.

“Yes,” Hux said, typing a bit more, “I did know that.”

“My ship?” Ren asked.

“You have a Class II Star Cruiser waiting in docking bay 19. Please bring it back in one piece.”


	5. No Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: With the help of his mom, Ren gets ahold of Poe's comm number and they plan their first date. Poe and Rey again argue over his friendship with Ren. Ren/Hux Flashback: Two weeks into his sentence, Ren is already tired of the ten weeks of shower sex he'd traded Hux for access to a ship he wanted.

/// CHAPTER FIVE

Kylo Ren’s thoughts had been more pleasant since he’d had Poe to think about --  he hadn’t had any visions of Supreme Leader Snoke in over a week. He spent his days fixing up some old droids, doing things around the house for his mom, and cooking dinner every night, plus he still had mind-cooling therapy two hours a day, along with meditation. But with everything he did, he thought about Poe.

_Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? A boyfriend? Kids? Does he get around a lot? Does he like to drink? What does he do for fun?_

Ren sliced the root vegetables he needed to make soup for dinner. He’d wanted to ask his mom for Poe’s comm number, but he was terrified. Dating was totally foreign to him.

Over the last decade, he’d only remotely been in a relationship with Hux. He’d really put all of his eggs in one basket. Hux was his best friend, worst enemy, ally, rival, co-worker, sex partner and sometimes kind of boyfriend -- but they’d never used that word.

After having sex for the first time a few months into their somewhat accidental friendship, they’d teetered on the brink of either falling in love or murdering each other until they’d eventually parted ways at the final Battle of Undu.

Besides constant (and unpredictable) sex with Hux, he’d never been in a serious relationship. He hadn’t even asked anyone out … or dated. The last guy he’d been on a semi-date with was a junior admiral on Starkiller Base, with Hux as his wingman for the whole thing, hoping to get in on a three-way later.

It had gone terribly with the junior admiral, ending with Ren accidentally force-choking him a bit _too much_ during sex. He’d decided to take a break from dating after that.

 _I wonder if he ever woke up?_ Ren thought as he added potatoes to the boiling water.

“Ben?”

It was Leia.

“Hey, mom,” he said.

Leia entered the kitchen, crossing the floor and giving him a squeeze.

“You didn’t have to make dinner, honey,” she said, looking around the kitchen.

Ren shrugged.

“It’s ok. I needed a break from the droids,” he said, “How was your day?”

“It was ok, sweetheart,” she said, “I missed you today.”

“I missed you too,” Ren said.

She gave him another squeeze.

“Does vegetable soup and buntu bread sound good for dinner?” he asked.

Leia nodded and smiled.

“Sounds great,” she said.

“I’ll set the table,” Leia said, and gave him one last squeeze before she turned to go.

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think Poe would want to hang out with me again?”

///

Poe’s comm buzzed as he climbed down from his X-Wing. He unclipped it from his belt. It showed a text notification, with a question mark icon where the person’s face usually appeared.

_Who the hell is this?_

Poe took off his helmet and tucked it under his arm. He opened the text.

_Hey, Poe. It’s Ben. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out again sometime? Totally cool if not -- I get it. No pressure._

Poe felt a twinge of excitement. He cracked a smile. Someone called to him and he turned. His squadron. They were going out for drinks. He turned down their invitation and headed back to his quarters. His fingers hovered over the keys. He typed and deleted. Typed and deleted. Rey usually helped him with this. He chewed on his lip for a bit, weighing the pros and cons. He texted her anyways. That’s what best friends were for, right? _911 emergency! I need your help. Yes, it’s a boy… yes it’s Kylo Ren._

///

BB-8 beeped a cheery greeting and rolled around at Rey’s feet when she arrived at Poe’s place.

“He _texted_ you?” she asked.

“He texted me.”

“How did he get your number? Did you give it to him?” Rey’s tone was accusatory.

“No, I didn’t give it to him. Leia must’ve told him?”

“Show it to me,” she said shortly, tossing down her things. BB-8, sensing she wasn’t there to hang out with him, rolled to the other room.

“His number?”

“No. The text.”

Poe pulled out his comm and showed Rey the text.

_Hey, Poe. It’s Ben. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out again sometime? Totally cool if not -- I get it. No pressure._

“You can’t hang out with him again,” Rey said simply.

Poe sighed.

“Ok,” Poe said, “I know you have an awful history with Ben and I know you have a bad feeling about him and I know you’re just looking out for me… and like maybe the entire New Republic...  but could you try to think about this objectively?

“Objectively?” Rey said, her eyes growing wide with anger.

“Yeah...” Poe murmured, “I didn’t think so.”

“He terrorized an entire galaxy. He executed millions of innocent people. He tortured you. He tried to kill me. He killed his own father -- my uncle. Darkness _surrounds_ him, Poe. Even now. Even on this day. Even in this moment.”

 _Damn._ She’d left little room for him to poke holes in her argument.

He was silent for a while. Poe shrugged.

“I know I’m not a Jedi. I’m not strong with the force. But I’m the only person, besides Luke and Leia, who have actually looked in his eyes in the past year. I’m the only person who’s bothered to spend time with him. And talk to him. And even just fucking sit with him.”

Rey shifted her weight and crossed her arms.

“He’s _different_ , Rey. He’s different now. He can’t do anything change his past, but he’s trying to be better now. But you wouldn’t know because you haven’t even given him a chance. He’s your family and you haven’t even given him a chance.”

Rey sighed. She looked around. She chuckled bitterly.

“Wow,” she said, “You _really_ like him don’t you?”

///  _Three Years Earlier_

Just two weeks into their deal, the shower sex had gotten really old. The mission for which Ren had needed the Star Cruiser was a total bust, but he’d already promised eight weeks of shower sex to Hux to get it.

_Fuck. I actually promised him ten._

Ren sighed.

“You’re sighing?” Hux said, out of breath, water spraying the side of his face. Ren smirked.

Ren had Hux nearly lifted off of his feet with a strong arm around the back of his waist to hold him where he wanted him: one foot barely gracing the tile and the other lifted up, hooked in Ren’s elbow and foot flat against the glass of the shower stall.

“Yes,” Ren said, “See?” He sighed again, louder and more exaggerated.

“Oh, stop it,” Hux said, his breathing still labored, “And stop smirking at me like that.”

Ren flexed his arm, bringing Hux’s waist closer to him and penetrating him deeper. Hux moaned.

“You like this?” Ren asked. Hux looked at him. Ren had a way of always making sex look easy. His hair was wet and messy, plastered to his face and neck. His chest, back and arms were flexed, keeping Hux in just the right spot. His dark eyes, didn’t move, focused right on Hux so he could see his reaction with each thrust that landed perfectly.

“Hux?” Ren said.

“What?” Hux opened his eyes to look at Ren.

“I asked you a question.”

“What?”

“Do you like this?”

Ren used the other arm now to support the one leg that Hux had been standing on. He held Hux now, back pinned squarely against the stall. He leaned in, his face closer to Hux’s and their eyes stayed locked. Hux’s eyes fluttered as Ren fucked him harder. And harder.

“Yes,” Hux finally said.

“Yeah," Ren said, gently brushing wet hair from Hux's forehead, "I know you do.”

Hux nodded desperately. Ren buried his head in the side of Hux’s neck, placing a kiss there, before standing up straight and drilling into him until they both finished, Ren inside of Hux and Hux all over Ren’s stomach.

Ren let Hux down now and their bodies slowly separated. Ren angled the spray so they could actually shower.

“I don’t know why you don’t like shower sex?” Hux said a few minutes later, massaging shampoo into his hair.

“It’s dangerous.”

“We’ve had zero incidents.”

“Yet,” Ren said.

They finished showering and hopped out.

“I’m going to slip and fall and I’m going to be late to a meeting with Snoke one of these days,” Ren said as he towel-dried his hair, “And Snoke will say, _‘Where is Kylo Ren?’_ and you’ll say _‘He’s running a bit late today.’_ And Snoke will ask _‘Why?’_ And you’ll say _‘Because we were fucking in the shower and he lost his footing and slipped and now he’s passed out on his own bathroom floor while the medics try to revive him.”_

Hux laughed. Ren did too.

They both brushed their teeth, and then went back to the bedroom to get dressed. Ren began the arduous task of putting on all his layers. About 10 minutes later, Hux was dressed, but Ren was still working on it. He was terribly particular about his layers falling just right.

Hux zipped his boots and grabbed his hat. He crossed the room and kissed Ren’s cheek.

“I have meetings all morning, but I’m free around noon,” Hux said.

Ren nodded as he affixed his collar.

“I’m booked until two,” Ren said.

“Oh,” Hux said, “I can’t fuck you until two o’ clock?”

“I know,” Ren said, a playful smirk on his lips, “It’s awful isn’t it?”

“Give me a proper kiss, then?” Hux asked. Ren and Hux kissed again, longer this time, with Ren biting Hux’s lip just a bit before they backed off and parted ways until the afternoon.

_/// Present_

After Poe and Rey had agreed to disagree, she’d left in a fury, without even saying goodbye to BB-8. He beeped sadly and Poe sat down on the floor next to BB-8 to comfort him. Poe grabbed his comm and typed a reply.

_Hey, Ben! I’d love to hang out! I was actually just thinking I wanted to check out the Gysper Rapids on the eastern ridge this weekend. You interested?_

///

Ren hadn’t had this feeling in _so long._ He’d forgotten how it felt. He read the message again, just to be sure he wasn’t making it up.

_Hey, Ben! I’d love to hang out! I was actually just thinking I wanted to check out the Gysper Rapids on the eastern ridge this weekend. You interested?_

He smiled ear to ear. He texted back and kept it simple.

_Uh. Yes._

_Haha awesome. I’ll swing by your place Saturday? How’s 12:00?_

_That’s perfect. I can’t wait._

_Me either. I’m excited to hang out again. I’ll see you then, ok?_

_Ok. Thanks, Poe._


	6. The Gysper Rapids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: Poe and Ren go on their first real date and have their first kiss. Poe suggests that maybe Ren should come work at the New Republic base. Flashback: The beginnings of Hux and Ren's relationship, starting with their interactions after the collapse of Starkiller base.

_/// CHAPTER SIX_

Poe’s last relationship had been pretty terrible. He’d dated a guy he met at the watering hole. They’d had sex in the bathroom the night they met, then went back to Poe’s place for round 2. Then three. They spent that whole weekend in bed, but then tried a few dates during the daytime the following week only discover the magic totally wasn’t there when the sun was up and when their clothes were on. Poe had broken it off with him. Feelings hurt, the guy had then told everyone Poe had genital warts - which wasn’t true.

He was nervous about the date with Ren. Was he misreading the signals? Maybe Ren wasn’t romantically interested in him at all. What if he’d heard the genital warts rumor?

///

Ren fiddled with his hands as he waited for Poe. He’d tried to keep busy by working on the droids, but his mind was racing. He’d tried early morning meditation and mind-cooling too, but the whole time, he could only think of Poe.

He paced the kitchen a bit, nibbling nervously on juniper berries to fill the time. At 12:00 on the nose, the door chimes rang. Ren tucked his hair behind his ear as he made his way to the main entrance.

///

Poe’s breath caught in his throat when Ren answered. His hair, loose and wavy on his shoulders framed his face, with slightly flushed cheeks, a huge grin and shining eyes.

_He’s excited._

“Hi,” Poe finally said.

“Hi,” Ren said.

They stared, taking each other in for a few moments before Ren invited Poe in.

Poe came in, and greeted Leia. They chatted briefly and discovered Leia had packed them lunches.

“Mom,” Ren said, his cheeks turning slightly more red as he peeked in the lunch sacks, “You didn’t have to make us lunches.”

“I know,” she said, “I just didn’t want you to get out there and get too hungry.”

Poe peeked in his lunch sack too.

“This is amazing,” he said, “You really didn’t have to do this.”

Leia smiled.

“Well take them just in case,” she said, “And have fun. Will you be back for dinner?”

They shrugged. Ren looked to Poe. Poe nodded, so Ren nodded too.

“Yeah. We’ll be back for dinner. That sounds nice. Thanks, mom.”

///

Ren and Poe had taken a small speeder to get to the base of the Gysper Rapids. Once they arrived, they parked, put their lunch sacks on their backs and began the hike up to the rapids.

It was beautiful day, with puffy clouds dotting the sky and a bright sun overhead. Ren had opted to the climb barefoot. The lush green grass and cool stone felt good under his feet. He’d spent most of his time indoors since he’d been home.

They chatted a bit during the climb, Ren asking questions about Poe’s life at the New Republic command center and base. Poe responded, a bit taken by how easily Ren was able to hop from boulder to boulder, _uphill_ , at a quick pace and make conversation without even the slightest hint of strain.

Once they reached the top, Poe was a bit sweaty, which he hadn’t anticipated. Slightly embarrassed, he unsnapped his canteen and took a drink.

The rapids were beautiful. They walked around a bit, taking it all in, talking and laughing while they did. They paused at the highest peak and looked down over the waters and hills and ridges.

“Want to jump in?” Poe asked with a smirk, looking over at Ren.

“Of course,” Ren said. He was already taking his shirt off.

Poe tried to pretend like he wasn’t watching every movement as Ren pulled his shirt over his head. His body was long and lean. His legs were strong and his shoulders and back were broad and firm.

They both stripped down to their underwear.

“Ready?” Ren asked as he pulled his hair up into a bun.

“Ready.”

Ren and Poe had jumped from the top of the cliff 8 or 9 times, climbing (racing) back to the top after each plunge and going at it again. They swam and splashed and laughed. And when they’d had enough they laid out on the grass to dry off and eat lunch.

Once they were done eating, Ren laid back and looked up at the clouds.

“Thanks for suggesting this,” Ren said.

Poe stayed sitting up, leaning forward and hooking his elbows around his knees.

“You’re welcome. Thanks for coming with me.”

“I haven’t been here since I was a kid,” Ren said.

“Is it the same as you remember?” Poe asked.

“Better,” Ren said. They were silent for a while, then Ren sat up.

“This has been one of the best days I’ve had in a really long time,” Ren said. Poe nodded. Ren turned to face Poe. They looked at each other and held eye contact. Ren had let his hair down to dry, and it fell long and wavy on his shoulders again. Their eyes stayed locked.

“Your soul is really captivating,” Ren said, his eyes still on Poe’s, “You’re different. Than anything I’ve seen. In all of the galaxy. In all of people I’ve met.”

Poe focused on Ren’s eyes. How was he supposed to follow that? He decided just to be honest.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not what I thought you’d be,” Poe said.

Ren smiled.

“What did you think I’d be?”

“Well, I thought you’d have a mechanical eye and half a face.”

Ren laughed.

“I didn’t think you’d be… like… normal. At all.” Poe said.

“Yeah?” Ren asked.

“Yeah.” Poe nodded.

“So I’m not what you thought.”

“Nope.”

“What am I then?”

Poe thought for a moment.

“Beautiful,” Poe said, “You’re just beautiful.”

Their eyes locked again and without hesitation, they both moved in for a kiss. Poe tasted the juniper berries that lingered on Ren’s soft pink lips. The kiss was sweet and simple. Poe normally kissed with a hunger and urgency that made it clear that the kissing was just a temporary vehicle to get them to where they both wanted to go. But this was different. Tasting Ren’s mouth, his fingers tangling gently in Ren’s long dark hair, feeling Ren’s fingers hold the back of his neck -- it was the only thing Poe wanted in the whole galaxy.

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Before Hux had plucked Ren from the woods of _Starkiller_ base, the two had only ever spoken to and seen each other for matters regarding the First Order. They’d worked together in the First ORder for a few years, but Hux had only seen Ren’s actual face for the first time a few days prior to the rescue. He wasn’t expecting to see a man younger than him, with long hair and expressive eyes.

Hux and Ren returned to the _Finalizer_ , with a team assembled to take Ren to the medic station as soon as they’d landed. Hux had been instructed to bring Ren to Supreme Leader Snoke, but after inquiring about his condition, he learned that the medical base couldn’t release Ren until his critical injuries had healed. Snoke was displeased, but there was nothing Hux could do.

Hux was on probation following the collapse of _Starkiller_ base. His methods were under review, so he was prohibited from operating in any official capacity until the board had ruled on his actions. Disciplinary measures would likely be taken. He was furious.

He spent his days reading books in his quarters and checking the Holoweb to see what the general public had to say about the state of the First Order. It wasn’t looking good.

His comm beeped -- a rarity during his probation. Curious, Hux looked away from his tablet to check it. It was an admin number for the _Finalizer._ Maybe they were calling with his board review results.

He picked up the call.

“General Hux,” he said.

"General Hux, hello. I'm calling from the _Finalizer_ medical station.”

“Yes?”

“You were the party who dropped off Kylo Ren at the medical station, correct?”

“Yes.”

“He’s ready to be discharged, but he has no emergency contact listed. He’ll require some care after discharge.”

“Ok,” Hux said, confused.

“Are you available to pick him up today? We’ll provide materials and details for his care when you pick him up from the station.”

_Holy fuck. They want me to take care of him?_

“Umm…” Hux searched for answer. He had nothing but time on his hands. Ren really had no other emergency contact?

“Yeah. Sure,” Hux said, “I can come pick him up.”

///  _Present_

When Poe and Ren had returned from the Gysper Rapids, Leia was just finishing dinner. They joined her out in the garden for a nice meal, with Luke joining them as well. After dinner, Leia and Luke made matcha tea while Ren showed Poe his workbench. Leia had mentioned Ren’s work with droids during dinner, and Poe was curious to see.

“I’m just fixing up some of my mom’s old droids,” Ren said as he flipped on the lights in his workshop, “Sorry, it’s kind of a mess.”

“Oh,” Poe said, “No problem.”

Ren entered the space and flipped on the overhead light at his bench. Poe followed.

“Is that a vintage F-6 model?” Poe asked, looking over the protocol droid propped up near the table.

“It is,” Ren said, “It was my dad’s.”

Poe nodded, making a mental note to completely steer clear of asking any more questions about the vintage droid.

“I built this one when I was a kid,” Ren said, motioning to a D-4 droid on the other end of the bench, “It worked for a few months, my mom loved it. Then it shorted out. I never got a chance to fix it, so I’m working on it now.”

Poe nodded, standing close to Ren with hand resting gently on his lower back. This workspace seemed to only drudge up sad memories. This is what Ren did all day?

“Looks like you’re pretty proficient with like,” Poe looked around -- there was also engines, cannons, lasers and control switch boards, “Everything?”  

Ren shrugged and his gaze turned to meet Poe’s.

“Yeah. I like fixing things,” he said.

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux had gotten dressed and went down to the _Finalizer’s_ medical station to collect Ren. He’d had to fill out some discharge forms and sign some paperwork at the check-in desk. He’d also had to fill out paperwork when he’d dropped Ren off, three weeks earlier. He’d left most of it blank. He didn’t know Ren’s blood type, unit number, or next of kin. He didn’t know his birthday or his age. He sure as hell didn’t know if he had any allergies or was taking any medications. He was also too distraught over _Starkiller_ base to really care. Hux dropped the discharge forms back off at the desk and was instructed to wait for a medic to come out and give him care instructions.

A medic came out about fifteen minutes later, calling his name. She was pretty.

“General Hux?”

Hux stood up and straightened his jacket, but felt his stomach drop. He realized just how much he really didn’t want to be responsible for Kylo Ren’s care. He also wasn’t prepared for a cute medic. Hux followed the medic to an office, where she shut the door and asked him to take a seat.

“Are you a friend of Kylo Ren’s?” she asked him.

“I work with him,” Hux said. She checked the paperwork.

“He's a commander?”

 _More or less,_ Hux thought as he nodded. Occupation had been one of the few questions Hux had been able to answer. She produced some papers from a drawer and slid them across the table.

“Are you available to provide care for the next week or so? We would keep him here, but he’s refusing to stay. He has no other contacts listed in the entire database.”

_He really has no one else?_

“I suppose so?” Hux responded.

“Here are his care instructions. You’ll need to change his bandages three times a day and make sure he stays hydrated. He’s eating very little, but we at least offer him food three times a day. He’s in a great deal of pain, but he’s refusing painkillers. We’ll send some with you in case he changes his mind.”

Hux nodded.

“He sustained significant internal injuries. He’s been unable to get much rest or sleep due to the pain and he’s gotten angry and damaged his wound several times, so he’s slow to heal. If he can stop hurting himself, he should recover fine.”

_Fuck._

“Ok,” Hux said.

“I’ve been his primary care medic. My number is listed at the bottom of the instructions. Should you have any trouble or questions, give me a call.”

Hux nodded.

“Do you have any questions?”

Hux shook his head.

“Would you like to see him now?”

/// _Present_

“Be real with me, Finn,” Poe said over lunch at the base, “Is it a terrible idea?”

Finn took a huge bite of his sandwich to buy himself some time. Poe rolled his eyes.

“It can’t be that bad, right?” Poe asked.

Finn chewed.

“I mean, he has to show his face sometime.”

Finn chewed.

Poe sighed.

“Help me out, here,” he said.

Finn chewed.

“It’ll be fine, right?” Poe asked.

Finn chewed and swallowed.

“It’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard,” Finn finally said, “But it’s pretty damn close.”

“He’s different.”

“Is he?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve hung out with him twice and you’re sure the murderous villain who reeked terror and havoc on the galaxy is now fully turned to the light?”

Poe sighed.

“Listen, I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve a chance,” Finn said, “I’m just saying maybe his first chance shouldn’t be repairing our most important droids and fighter crafts?”

/// _Four Years Earlier_

Hux had hesitantly entered Ren’s medic station room. He was seated in bed, propped up against pillows. He was shirtless, with a huge white bandage affixed to his left side by tape that covered his whole torso. He was looking out the window at the expanse of space. Hux had no idea what to say. He cleared his throat.

“Hi,” he said.

Ren turned to look at him now.

_Jesus Christ._

Ren’s face was stitched and he was sweating profusely, his long dark hair stuck his forehead and neck. His skin had a pallor paleness to it, his eyes were hollow.

_Are they sure he’s ready to be discharged?_

Ren looked back to the window.

///

Not surprisingly, Ren had refused a wheelchair. They walked slowly through the halls of the _Finalizer_ until they reached the residential wing. Hux carried a small bag for the care items, along with the only item Ren had wanted to keep -- a pendant necklace that he apparently always wore under all his layers.

Hux hit the button to summon the lift, then realized he had no idea where Ren lived. Ren, still sweaty, leaned on the wall while they waited on the lift. He was dressed in a white tunic with white leggings -- it was all they had at the medical station. Hux couldn’t get over how different he looked in all white, sweating and with no mask.

The lift dinged. They stepped in and Ren hit the button for the thirty-third floor -- the penthouse, then had to enter an authorization code on the keypad.

_Ren lives in a PENTHOUSE suite?_

The lift gears whirred, taking them up and opening its doors on the highest level of the _Finalizer._ The view in the lobby was incredible, looking out over what seemed like the entire galaxy. Hux lived on floor twenty-two. He felt cheated.

He followed Ren down the hall to the unit on the end.

_And it’s an end unit?_

Ren pressed his thumb to the pad, then entered a terribly long passcode on the keypad, and the doors unlocked. He pushed it open and entered. He hit a few buttons on the wall by the door and the unit came to life. The curtains drew, revealing the same sweeping views of the galaxy. The lights came on, along with music. Ren motioned and the music turned off.

The entire place was shiny, black, sleek, simple and surprisingly elegant. Black floors, black walls, black kitchen, black furniture, black _everything._ Hux looked around. He didn’t even know there were quarters this nice on all of the _Finalizer._

“You can leave,” Ren said simply. They hadn’t spoken a word to each other yet. “I know they wouldn’t discharge me without someone there to sign. Thanks for coming. You don’t have to stay though.”

"You're sure?"

Ren nodded.

Hux straightened his jacket, relieved he didn't have to stay any longer.

“Alright, then. There are supplies and care instructions in the bag,” he said, handing it to Ren, “Do you need anything before I go?”

Ren shook his head, took his bag, and slowly made his way down the hall to the bedroom.

_/// Present_

Poe hesitantly entered General Organa’s office after being shown in by her assistant. He’d set up a meeting with her, against Finn’s discretion.

“Hi, Poe,” Leia said with a smile, “Good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, General” Poe said.

“Come in. Please. Take a seat,” Leia said, “Can I get you some tea?”

“I’m fine, thanks,” Poe said.

Leia nodded and sat down across from Poe.

“What can I do for you?” Leia asked.

Poe chewed on his lip.

“I maybe have a crazy idea,” he said.

“Ok?” Leia said, her interest piqued.

“Ok,” Poe said, taking a deep breath, “I think maybe Ben should come work as an X-Wing and astromech droid mechanic at the base.”

Leia’s eyebrows rose, but she said nothing.

“Really?” she finally said.

“Yes,” Poe said, “Really.”

Leia took a breath and looked pensively somewhere over Poe’s head.

“I’ll ask him,” she said, “I'm not sure that he's ready, but I’ll ask him.”


	7. Given Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER SUMMARY: Ren is hesitant to follow through on Poe's suggestion that he work at the Resistance base, but he does take Poe up on a dinner date offer. Flashback: Hux is tasked with caring for Ren after the collapse of Starkiller base, which he does quite poorly. Hux also learns about Ren's origins.

///CHAPTER SEVEN

“I can’t go back there,” Ren said, turning his tea mug in circles on the table.

“Sure you can, honey,” Leia said, “It might take some time, but you can go back.”

Ren sighed and looked through the window, over the sunset on the coast. Leia sensed his unease - he hadn’t really liked the idea of him working at the base. She rubbed his back slowly, making big circles.

“It sounds like Poe would really like it.”

Ren shrugged.

They sat in silence for a few minutes longer, Leia rubbing her son’s back to help the uneasiness go away. This type of unease usually led to a vision of Snoke in the night.

“Mom?” 

“Ben?”

“How can you still love me?” Ren asked, “After what I did?”

Leia formed her lips into a half-smile and hugged his shoulders.

“There’s nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you.”

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux, face flushed with a mixture of embarrassment and anger, stalked through the halls of the _Finalizer_ with purpose _._ He arrived at the residential wing and summoned the lift by hitting the “up” button several times.

After two weeks of review and a hearing, he had been reinstated to his post on the _Finalizer’s_ main command center bridge. He was delighted. The board review had gone as favorably as he could’ve hoped -- with only minor probationary follow-up meetings scheduled. He felt like himself again, giving orders and planning an aggressive retaliation strategy against the Resistance.

But, there was a small problem. Until his first meeting back with Supreme Leader Snoke, he’d forgotten entirely about Kylo Ren. Hux had fumbled for a response when Snoke had asked for an update on Ren’s recovery. The truth was: Hux had no idea. Since he’d left Ren in his quarters two weeks earlier, he hadn’t once been back to check on him. He hadn’t seen him, he hadn’t heard from him, he hadn’t even heard _about_ him. Snoke was furious with Hux, questioning the board’s decision to reinstate him when he couldn’t even complete a task as simple as checking in on Kylo Ren.

The lift dinged and Hux stepped in. He hit “33,” the button for Ren’s floor, then realized he didn’t have the necessary authorization. The lift buzzed defiantly. Hux rolled his eyes and hit the button for Ren’s floor again, but to no avail. He used his comm to summon one of his staff, then tasked the lieutenant with getting him the passcode to the 33rd floor and to Ren’s quarters STAT.

///

When Hux finally arrived at Ren’s door, it was nearly an hour later. Gaining access codes was no small feat it turned out. He’d told the security administration coordinator that he’d been assigned to provide follow-up medical care for Kylo Ren after the collapse of _Starkiller_ base, and needed the codes. The coordinator found it hard to believe that Ren’s supposed caretaker had waited two whole weeks to check on him.

Hux knocked on Ren’s door for several minutes, but there was no response.

_If he’s dead, Snoke will murder me._

Ren entered the authorization code he’d been given - a complicated code that was meant to bypass the thumbprint - and the door unlocked. Hux entered.

“Ren?” he called out, “It’s General Hux.”

No response. Hux looked around. The unit was untouched - it looked just the same as when Hux had been there two weeks earlier.

“Ren?” he called out again, heading towards the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar and Hux pushed it open to find that Ren was in bed, propped up against the backboard, but slumped over with a bloody bandage, a swollen face and pale skin.

_Fuck. Holy shit. Fuck._

Hux rushed forward, grabbing Ren by the shoulders and shaking him.

“Ren?” he said.

“Ren!” he shook him harder, not concerned with damaging his wounds. Finally, slowly, Ren’s left eye blinked open. His right side was too swollen to open.

“Ren?” Hux sat him up straight, taking the weight from his wounded side.

Ren’s one open eye was dark, droopy and tired.

“Ren? I’m going to the call the medic, ok?” Hux said.

Ren shut his eye again and his head fell back. Hux called the medic and dreaded his inevitable report to Supreme Leader Snoke.

 

_/// Present_

_Ben: My mom told me about your idea. Me working at the base._

Poe read the message over and over, trying to get a feel for Ren’s mood. Was he in favor? Was he pissed off? Since their date at the Gysper Rapids three days ago, they hadn’t seen each other, only texted.

_Poe: Yeah… what do you think?_

_Ben: It’d be fun to work with you, but I don’t think anyone wants me around the base._

_Poe: That’s not true -- we need you. Plus, I want you around the base. It’d be great to see you every day_

Poe smiled at the thought of being able to see Ren every day -- all day.

_Ben: Yeah. I’ll think about it._

_Poe: Good!_

Poe thought for a while about how to phrase his next question.

_Poe: Want to hang out again sometime? I’m a pretty good cook. I can make us dinner if you want to come over?_

_Ben: That sounds great, Poe. I’d love to._

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

“And you didn’t once check on him?” The cute medic who had given Hux the care instructions stared at him now in disbelief.

Hux shrugged.

“He told me he was fine.”

“And I, his medic, explicitly told you he would need care after discharge.”

She stared, her eyes burning into him. Hux shrugged. He liked her like this. Plus, it was nothing compared to how furious Supreme Leader Snoke had been.

“We are going to tend to his wounds, start him on antibiotics to treat the infection in his blood and release him to your care. I trust you’ll look after him properly this time?”

///

Hux read over the care instructions carefully as Ren slowly settled into bed. His bandage still needed changed three times a day, he needed antibiotics once a day for the next 10 days, and the wound on his face needed to be treated twice a day. He also was dehydrated and malnourished. He needed plenty of food and water. Hux sighed. He considered assigning one of his staff to the task of caring for Ren, but didn’t want to be caught again without an update for Supreme Leader Snoke. Hux looked from the instructions sheet to Ren.

Still sweaty, Ren looked worse now than before. His eyes drooped, his face was swollen and he had his hair pulled up.

“How are you feeling?” Hux asked. Those were the first words spoken between the two of them.

Ren said nothing.  

Hux looked him over.

“I’m going to have food and water brought to you every few hours. I will check in on you every few hours. We’re going to change your bandage three times a day, as instructed. You will take your antibiotics every day as instructed, and we will tend to your face twice a day as instructed.”

Ren looked pathetic, weak and small. Hux secretly liked it - for once, he felt supremely more powerful than Kylo Ren.

“Snoke wishes to speak with you and if I don’t have you in front of him soon he may very well kill me.”

 

_/// Present_

As soon as Poe had finished up at the base, he’d rushed home to tidy up and start dinner. Rey had invited him to the watering hole with her and Finn, but Poe had turned her down, lying about needing to upgrade BB-8’s memory. He’d picked up a new rug, flowers and a few candles on the way home. He prepped veggies and boiled water for quinoa while BB-8 rolled around, beeping question after question. _Kylo Ren was coming to their home? He and Poe were friends? He and Poe were maybe more than friends?_ In the end though, BB-8 had promised to be on his best behavior and not pester Ren with too many questions while they ate dinner.

Ren arrived right on time. Poe had greeted him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He’d brought a dark red wine and a selection of dark chocolate truffles for dessert. Poe invited him in and took his jacket.

“You look really lovely, Ben,” Poe said. He was dressed like he always was, but his cheeks were flushed with excitement and his eyes seemed bright.

“Thanks,” Ren said shyly. He glanced down at the floor.

Poe couldn’t help himself - Ren’s soft, sweet shyness drove him _crazy_. He reached out gently, wrapped an arm around Ren’s waist and pulled him in for a kiss. He felt Ren smile into the kiss, and when their lips parted, Ren’s eyes met his and Poe felt a twinge in his pants that he hoped to god Ren hadn’t noticed.

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux’s eyes grew wide when he went to change Ren’s bandage for the third time and saw the wound. The wound itself, though still stitched up, was leaking a small trail of blood and pus. The area surrounding the wound was covered in bruises -- large, black, blue and yellow.

_Holy shit._

“Ren?”

Ren looked to him.

“What is this?”

“What?”

“These bruises on your torso, that’s what. They weren’t here yesterday. And your wound is _worse_.”

Ren shrugged. Hux looked at the wound again. It was awful. Hux touched it and Ren winced.

“Did you do this?”

Ren looked away.

“Why are you doing this?” Hux demanded.

Ren didn’t respond.

Hux was furious.

“Do you think I’ve nothing better to do than to dress your wound? Like I don’t have a fleet to oversee and troops to command? A retaliation strike to choreograph?” Hux’s eyes burned, “Frankly, Ren I hate you. I don’t care if you live or die. My life would be much easier if you were dead.”

Ren’s eyes were cast down.

“But if you die, then Snoke will blame me and I’ll likely be expelled from the First Order. Is that what you want, Ren?”

Ren said nothing. Hux dressed Ren’s wound, not caring that he was hurting Ren when he went over the new bruises on the area. Once he was done with the wound on Ren’s torso, he applied the treatment salve to the wound on Ren’s face, then snapped off the latex gloves and tossed them in the trash.

Hux brought Ren a glass of water, setting it down indignantly on the bedside table one of his antibiotic pills.

“Take this,” Hux ordered. Ren swallowed the pill.

“Food and water are on the way. Eat and drink it all. I’ll be back to check on you this afternoon,” Hux turned to leave and stalked away, not bothering to look over his shoulder before he left.

///

Hux stared out over the expanse of space from the main command bridge of the _Finalizer._ He hadn’t realized how quiet and peaceful it was (relatively speaking) without Ren coming in every few hours to argue with him about divisions or squadrons and flight plans and misinterpreted orders from Snoke.

He sighed. Since leaving Ren’s quarters that morning, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. The bruising had been awful. Hux couldn’t figure out why Ren would hurt himself, exacerbating an already painful wound. Ren had also refused any and all painkillers, even when he’d first arrived from _Starkiller_ base. Hux retreated to his quarters, telling his second-in-command that he had a matter to attend to. Once Hux got his quarters he entered his authorization code and pulled up Ren’s medical file on his tablet. Hux hadn’t been able to fill out most of the information, so they’d had Ren fill it out himself once he was stable. Hux looked at the files, one a digital copy, and one a scan of the analog copy Ren had filled out. Hux opened the analog scan.

Ren’s handwriting was surprisingly neat. Crisp, clear letters. All caps. Hux looked over the information. _Name: Kylo Ren. Age: 30._

_Jesus. He’s just 30?_

_Blood type: O negative. Unit number: 33C Are you allergic to any medications: No. Are you currently taking any medications: No. Emergency Contact: none. Next of kin: none._

The form then went into family medical history. Ren had left it all blank. Hux rolled his eyes. Didn’t Ren have family? Hux used his comm to ask one his staff to send any and all information on Kylo Ren to his tablet, providing his security access code to gain the information.

When the information arrived, Hux combed through it. The First Order had little information on Ren since he wasn’t technically a member. He belonged to some outfit called the Knights of Ren. Hux had heard the name, but paid it no mind. He hadn’t been interested in Ren’s affiliations. Hux was about to close the file when he noticed a line item at the bottom. _Given name._ Hux raised his eyebrows. He had figured _Kylo Ren_ was an acquired name, but he’d never cared to find out Ren’s real name. His given name was Ben. Ben Solo.

_/// Present_

Poe and Ren had enjoyed a nice dinner, sitting across from each other and smiling and laughing while they talked. Ren’s cheeks were flushed the whole time -- maybe from the wine -- but also definitely because the chemistry between them was palpable. Once dinner was finished, Ren and Poe went out to Poe’s small garden to finish the wine. As promised, BB-8 hadn’t pestered them during dinner, but he joined them in the garden now, wheeling and beeping around, asking questions and showing off his new wide-range antenna for Ren. Ren smiled. He seemed to like BB-8 and BB-8 seemed to like Ren.

Once BB-8 had gone back inside to listen to his favorite radio show, Poe had moved closer to Ren.

“Thank you for joining me tonight,” Poe said, gently rubbing the top of Ren’s thigh.

“Thanks for having me,” Ren said softly.

Poe sat his wine glass down and kissed Ren again, holding his chin, then the back of his neck. His tongue slipped into Ren’s mouth, swirling and tasting him. Ren kissed back, his hand resting on Poe’s thigh. Poe’s fingers tangled in Ren’s hair, deepening their kiss, as they moved in closer to one another.

Their first couple of kisses had been sweet and gentle and patient, but Poe’s hunger and desire for more was becoming evident. While their lips and tongues collided over and over, Poe’s mind flashed to visions of Ren naked in his bed, underneath him, sweating, panting, moaning, saying his name, tied up. He had visions of Ren naked everywhere now, and Poe decided that he definitely wanted to have Ren everywhere. On the kitchen table, in the garden, at Gysper Rapids, at the New Republic base. He had visions of fucking Ren in public, a hand over his mouth to keep him from moaning too loudly.

Poe began to feel friction in his pants.

“Babe,” Poe said gently, his lips barely parting from Ren’s, “Do you want to go inside?”


	8. The Cactus in the Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 8 SUMMARY: Poe and Ren's dinner date takes an unexpected turn - and even more unexpected -Rey offers to intervene on Poe's behalf to help make things right. Flashback: Hux and Ren's relationship begins to take shape with Ren reluctantly allowing Hux to spend time with him during recovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few days are stupid busy and I won't have time to update, so I thought I'd leave you all with a longer chapter -- and it's an interesting one. Let me know what you think! Thanks so much for reading!

/// CHAPTER EIGHT

 

///  _Four Years Earlier_

Hux’s head spun as he went to his daily meeting with Snoke. Hux had heard that Kylo Ren had murdered a Han Solo just before the collapse of _Starkiller_ base, but couldn’t understand why -- and frankly hadn’t cared. But now, given Ren’s real name, he cared very much.

Hux entered the chambers, Snoke’s visage appearing and Hux giving him updates on everything, including Kylo Ren’s health. Hux swallowed a lump in his throat and turned to go. He’d meant to inquire with Snoke about Ren’s name and identity, but he’d wussed out. Instead, he’d asked one of the lieutenants over lunch. Typically, Hux didn’t associate with anyone in the cafeteria -- or anywhere really. He was rather out of touch. The lieutenant had confirmed Hux’s suspicion: Han Solo had been Ren’s father.

///

When Hux arrived to change Ren’s bandage again, Ren was sitting up, but asleep. He rarely was able to get sleep because of the pain, so Hux hadn’t wanted to wake him. He looked around a bit, trying to decide what to do, when he realized something about Ren’s quarters that had been bothering him this whole time.

There were no personal effects there _at all._ The entire place had the uniformity of a hotel. Hux, though he wasn’t a sentimental person by any means, still had a few personal items sprinkled around his quarters. Ren had _nothing._

Ren stirred and Hux straightened, approaching Ren’s bed. Ren woke up slowly, his eyes blinking. Ren seemed frightened for a moment when his eyes opened.

“Ren?” Hux said softly.

Ren’s eyes cleared after a few moments and the fear subsided. He said nothing.

“Just wanted to change your bandage,” Hux murmured. Ren nodded. Hux turned on the lamp on the bedside table and pulled on a pair of latex gloves. He sat gently on the edge of the bed and began unwrapping the medical tape that held Ren’s bandage in place over his wound.

Hux felt a twinge of guilt when he remembered the way he’d spoken to Ren earlier. _Do you think I’ve nothing better to do than to dress your wound? Frankly Ren, I hate you. I don’t care if you live or die. My life would be much easier if you were dead._

Even for Hux, those were strong words. Ren had said nothing in response. He avoided Ren’s eyes as he finished unwinding the tape and removed the bandage carefully.

The wound was about the same. Hux cleaned it up, working gently this time.

“How are you feeling?” Hux asked.

Ren didn’t respond. Ren had hardly spoken to him at all.

“Ren?” Hux asked, “Are you ok?”

Ren nodded.

“I’m sorry for how I spoke to you earlier,” Hux heard himself saying. He wasn’t one to apologize easily, “I was just angry because I’d forgotten to check on you and Snoke was furious with me. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.”

Ren said nothing.

Hux looked at him now -- at _Kylo Ren_ \--  the person he loathed with such intensity that he got a sour taste in his mouth when Ren entered the room. The person, who on more than one occasion, had single-handedly derailed his carefully choreographed military strikes with impulse decisions and unpredictable fits of rage. He’d never imagined the person he loathed so much was actually a _person._ A human being with thoughts, feelings, troubles and weaknesses. A human being with a family somewhere. A human being with a real face and real eyes and a birthday. A human being who had just killed his father.

He finished with Ren’s wounds and took off the gloves. He got the antibiotic and some water.

“Are you still in a good deal of pain?” Hux asked.

Ren shrugged.

“I’ve endured worse,” he said simply. Hux nodded and looked around. The room was dark and lonely. _No next of kin. No emergency contact. No visitors. No one inquiring after his health besides Snoke, who wants him only for training._

“Would you like some company?” Hux asked, “I can take a few hours away from the bridge if you’d like someone to sit with you for a bit.”

Ren looked up at him, a bit confused, then shook his head.

“Are you sure?”

Ren nodded.

“You’re positive?”

Ren nodded

“Alright then,” he said after a moment of silence, “Your lunch will be up soon and I’ll be back this evening to check on you.”

_///Present_

Poe thought Ren looked beautiful all the time, but he looked _especially_ beautiful now when he was half naked in Poe’s bed. Poe crawled on top of him, planting a little trail of kisses on his skin, starting from his belly button and ending at his neck. Poe was shirtless too, bending over to kiss Ren again -- he hated the feeling of his lips not on Ren’s.

The friction in Poe’s pants was obvious now, and even more so as Poe realized that he was going to _have_ Ren. He leaned down, grinding against Ren so he could feel him. Their lips met again and Poe switched positions, putting Ren on top. Ren straddled Poe now and he bent over, kissed Poe, then sat back up. Poe began unbuckling Ren’s belt and unfastening the button on his pants. Ren swallowed, then bent back over, his long hair brushing against Poe’s face.

“Poe?” Ren said softly.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I can’t do this,” he said.

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux had returned to the command bridge, but again -- he could only think of Ren. He muddled through the rest of the day, then retired to his quarters in the late afternoon. He read over Ren’s personal file again, then headed out to check on Ren. On the way there, he had an idea and took a quick detour. The _Finalizer_ had something of a gift shop. Hux couldn’t imagine who the shop was intended to serve. Visitors? Family and friends? Captives and prisoners?

Hux browsed, the store attendants straightening a bit. Hux came across a small cactus. He picked it up and headed to the register. On the way to the register, he also chose a small bottle of liquor and a deck of cards.

///

Cactus, cards and liquor in hand, Hux arrived at Ren’s quarters a few moments later. Ren was still in bed, shirtless and sweaty. The medic said the sweating would continue either until his pain subsided on his own, or until he took pain meds.

When Hux entered, Ren was just staring out the window.

“I brought you something,” Hux said, presenting the cactus.

Ren turned to look at Hux. And at the plant.

“You brought me a cactus?” he asked. Hux pulled the liquor from behind his back.

“And whiskey.”

Ren’s brow furrowed.

“I thought you could use flowers or something, but the best I could find was a cactus,” Hux explained.

Ren shrugged.

“Thank you,” he said, “You really didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s not a problem,” Hux said, setting the cactus down next to the lamp, “Would you like a drink?”

Ren looked at him, a bit confused, then rolled his eyes.

“Sure,” Ren said, “Why the hell not.”

“Do you mind if i join you? For a drink?”

“Join me?”

“I figured you might like some company. Even though you said you didn’t.”

Ren thought about it.

“Whatever,” he said tiredly.

“I’ll get some glasses,” he said. Hux went back out to the kitchen, then realized he had no idea where--

“The glasses are in the cabinet next to the fridge,” Ren called out as if he’d read Hux’s mind. Hux got two glasses and returned to Ren’s room.

“How do you take your whiskey?” Hux called back.

“Neat.”

Hux liked his whiskey neat too. He returned with the glasses and poured them both a few ounces. He pulled up a chair from the corner of the room, sat, and sipped his whisky. Ren downed his in a gulp.

Hux laughed.

“Do you always drink so fast?” he asked.

“Do you always drink so slow?” Ren responded.

Hux downed his glass too, then poured them each another. They took this one slower, sipping here and there as Hux tried to think of something to say.

“Snoke has been asking about me?” Ren asked.

Hux nodded.

“I just give him updates on how your recovery is going.”

Ren nodded. He sipped his whiskey.

“Do you want a painkiller or anything?” Hux asked.

“You’re asking me that _after_ I’ve started drinking whiskey?”

“Yeah. Right. Sorry,” he said, then remembered he’d never changed Ren’s bandage. Ren had forgotten too. Hux put on gloves, re-dressed Ren’s bandage, applied salve to the wound on his face, then sat back down. They sat in silence, sipping their whiskey.

“What do you spend your days doing, Ren? All alone up here?” Hux asked.

Ren shrugged.

“Agonizing over everything I’ve fucked up,” he said simply.

“Oh,” Hux said, a frown on his lips.

“Yeah,” Ren said.

“Sounds dreadful,” Hux said.

Ren emptied his glass.

“Can I top you off?” Hux asked.

“Please,” Ren said.

Hux poured more.

“I should probably have your dinner sent up if you’re going to drink your weight in whiskey,” Hux said and used his comm to send for Ren’s dinner. Hux then realized his own hunger. “Do you mind if I order something as well?”

“Whatever,” Ren muttered.

Hux sent for a steak and finished his whiskey too. He poured more. They sat in silence.

“I was surprised to find you were just a 30-year-old human male,” Hux finally said.

Ren gave him a look. “How do you know how old I am?”

“Your medical file.”

They sat in silence again.

“I mean with the mask and all the black. I figured you were older. And perhaps a robot.”

Ren shrugged.

“You’re very much not a robot,” Hux said. Ren said nothing.

They sipped their whiskey.

“It’s been wonderful doing whatever I want on the bridge without you there to argue with me over squadron deployment and tactical operations,” Hux said with a smirk, “But it's not quite the same without someone to bicker with.”

Ren gave him a quizzical look.

“Is that supposed to be a compliment… or?”

Hux chuckled.

“Yes. I never thought I’d say it, but I’m looking forward to having you back, Kylo Ren.”

_/// Present_

Ren, embarrassed at not wanting to go through with it, had gotten off of Poe and searched the floor for his shirt.  

“I’m sorry,” Ren apologized.

Poe sat up quickly after Ren had gotten up.  
  
“Ben,” Poe said, “It’s ok.”

Ren searched for his shirt, turning in a circle. Poe reached out and took hold of his wrist softly.

“Ben,” Poe said again, “It’s totally fine. You don’t have to go.”

Ren sighed.

“Please don’t go,” Poe said, “Cuddle with me for a bit? The bed is warmer with you in it.”

Ren chewed on his lip.

“I promise it’s ok, babe,” Poe murmured, “No sex. I just want to hold you.”

Poe’s eyes pleaded with him and Ren succumbed. He gave up the search for his shirt and got back into bed with Poe. They laid facing each other, Poe’s arm extending out to cradle Ren’s soft head of hair.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in the entire galaxy. Suns, moons and star systems included,” Poe said, looking into Ren’s eyes.

Ren chuckled, a dark chuckle, and looked away.

“What?” Poe said.

“That’s kind of you to say,” Ren said.

Poe kissed Ren’s nose. “I mean it, babe,” he said.

Ren rolled his eyes gently.

“Ok,” Ren said, “Thanks, Poe.”

“What?” Poe said.

“What?” Ren asked.

“You don’t believe me?” Poe asked.

Ren shrugged.

“Let’s talk about something else,” he muttered.

“No, you’re perfect,” Poe said, ignoring Ren’s request, “You have the most perfect eyes, the most perfect smile, the most perfect laugh.”

Ren looked away a bit, but Poe tilted his chin so their gazes could meet.

“I haven’t even gotten to your body yet,” Poe said with a smirk. He rolled onto his stomach, his elbows on either side of Ren’s torso. Poe kissed Ren’s neck, chest and collarbones, then moved down, leaving kisses along his chest and stomach, kissing each of the faint scars years of battle had left on Ren’s body.

“Poe,” Ren said, sitting up, “Don’t.” Poe looked up. Ren’s eyes were troubled. He was uncomfortable.

“Oh,” Poe said, his eyes searching Ren’s to figure out what went wrong, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”

“It’s ok,” Ren said, sitting up more. “I should go.”

Ren wriggled out from underneath him and Poe sat back on his calves so Ren could get up. He watched as Ren searched for his shirt again. He found it and slipped it over his head.

“Ben?”

Poe got up too. Ren left the bedroom, going down the hall and getting his shoes.

“I’m really sorry. Are you ok?” Poe asked.

Ren tucked some hair behind his ear as he bent over to put on his shoes.

“Yeah,” Ren said, standing up now and getting his jacket.

Poe watched as Ren put on his jacket.

“I’m really sorry,” Poe said, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Ren shook his head.

“It’s not you. It’s me,” Ren said, “I’m sorry. I should’ve known.”

“What?”

“Goodbye, Poe.”

_/// Four Years Earlier_

When dinner arrived, Ren had decided it might feel nice to get out of bed. Hux helped him down the hall and they sat on the stools at Ren’s kitchen countertop.

Ren was still shirtless, dressed only in a pair of grey joggers. His shoulders, chest, back and torso were strong and lean, marked with scars from battle or training -- or both. Hux felt a bit embarrassed. He’d truthfully never engaged in hand-to-hand combat, or in any battle on the front lines in his life. He was somewhat of nepotism -- with his father’s rank ensuring that Hux completed only the most necessary basic training and was sent only to the most pedestrian conflicts.

Hux cut into his steak. He looked over at Ren’s plate. Lentil soup, root vegetables, kohlrabi, kale, buntu bread. Hux was perplexed.

_No steak? No meat?_

“I don’t eat animal products,” Ren said simply as he chewed on a turnip.

“Oh,” Hux said, “Ok?”

_What the hell?_

Ren finished another glass of whiskey. They’d brought their glasses with them.

“I didn’t know that,” Hux said.

“Why would you know that?” Ren said.

They fell silent and ate their dinners.

“What do you like to do for fun?” Hux asked after a few minutes.

Ren tore off a piece of buntu bread and dipped it in the lentil soup.

“For fun?”

“Yeah,” Hux said, “Like. In your free time.”

“Free time?”

“Yeah.”

“You have free time?”

“Sometimes,” Hux said with a shrug, “Like on First Order holidays or slow Sundays when I’m off-duty.”

“I train on Sundays and I go to meet with Snoke or the Knights of Ren on First Order holidays.”

_Damn._

“What about like … after work is done for the day?”

“I meditate and then I sleep.”

Hux nodded. They ate in silence for a few moments

“Do you have friends?”

Ren said nothing, but offered a dry chuckle as his response.

“Why are you here? Why are you being nice to me?” Ren asked as he topped off his whiskey.

Hux shrugged.

“Because, as it turns out, you’re a human,” he said, “And as much as I hate to admit it, humans get lonely. It’s our weakness.”

Ren took a generous gulp of whiskey.

“As much as I’d love to be a robot who doesn’t need friendships, I’ve realized that being a human means that I want to have someone to talk to sometimes. Even if it’s just once a week.”

“That may be the case for you,” Ren said as he dipped more bread in the soup,  “But I don’t get lonely.”

Hux said nothing.

They sat in silence again and finished their dinners.

“Want to play cards?”

_/// Present_

Poe laid awake, wondering what Ren had meant. _I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. I should have known._

 _Should’ve known what?_ He stared up at the ceiling, wishing Ren still laid next to him.

///

When Ren had gotten back to the estate, Leia was already asleep and he was grateful for that. He went to his room and took a cold shower to try to forget about Poe -- and to dull the cold feeling that threatened to overtake him. The water stung his skin, but he didn’t mind. It was a welcome distraction. He stayed under the spray for as long as he could stand it. When it became too much, he got out, slipped on a pair of underwear and got into bed, pulling the covers up to his ears and turning over onto his side. The cactus was there. He opted to lay on his back instead. He’d wanted Poe _so badly._  He’d already envisioned himself tasting Poe, having Poe inside of his body and enjoying the warm sensation of Poe finishing without pulling out. Instead he just felt cold. He pulled up the blankets and tried to ignore it: the cold feeling that had started at the base of his spine.

_No._

When the coldness came, it spread like a virus, moving up his spine slowly but surely -- almost like it was toying with him.

Ren shut his eyes and tried to summon the light, but when he closed his eyes he could only see Snoke. Desperate to make the vision go away, Ren opened his eyes, only to feel Snoke’s presence in the room.

_No!_

Ren’s breathing sped up, he felt perspiration starting to form and he felt the cold wrapping around his spine, climbing and climbing like a weed. He tried again to summon the light, to think of Poe, to think of anything besides Snoke.

_Snoke isn’t here. Snoke isn’t here. Snoke isn’t --_

Ren’s eyes snapped open. Another voice was inside his head.

_I am here, Ren._

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Ren and Hux had played nine rounds of rummy, seated across from each other on the huge bantha fur rug that was spread on Ren’s living room floor. They finished off the whiskey while they played, with Ren ultimately winning 5 to 4. Hux studied Ren. His hair had fallen down around his shoulders when he’d let it out of the bun during the first round of their game. He had more color in his cheeks since he’d been eating and drinking more water -- and also because he’d been drinking whiskey for a few hours. He was less sweaty -- with the whiskey probably having numbed some of the pain. The swelling on the right side of his face had gone down, so he could open both eyes now. Hux liked the way Ren chewed on his lip a bit when he thought about how to play out his hand. They hadn’t talked much while they played, but once it was over Ren spoke first.

“Why are you here? Really?” he asked as Hux collected and stacked the cards.

Hux shrugged.

“I told you why. Humans have an awful weakness that necessitates the need for other human relationships.”

“No one put you up to this?”

“No,” Hux said, “I mean, Snoke asked me to check on you. But he didn’t tell me to bring you whiskey and a cactus and play nine rounds of rummy.”

“Well, I don’t need friends,” Ren said, as he stood up, making it clear that Hux could leave now.

“Ok,” Hux said. He stood too. A few moments of awkward silence passed.

“Do you need anything else before I go?”

Ren shook his head.

“Alright then. Get some rest this evening. I’ll be up to change your bandage tomorrow morning.”

Hux turned to leave.

Ren sighed.

“Thank you,” Ren said softly, resignation in his voice.

Hux looked over his shoulder.

“You’re welcome, Ren.”

_/// Present_

Poe had composed about fifteen different messages to Ren, but hadn’t sent any of them.

_Thanks for coming over last night. It’s so nice spending time with you. Can we talk soon?_

Poe rolled his eyes as he chewed on his bread. That didn’t sound like him at all.

“Poe?”

Poe turned to see Rey approaching with tray of food. Poe put away his comm.

“Hey,” Poe said. Rey sat down across from him.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

Poe smiled weakly. Rey always knew when he was feeling down, even when they hadn’t talked in awhile.

Poe shrugged.

“You don’t want to tell me about it?”

“Not really,” Poe said.

“It’s Ren isn’t it?”

Poe looked at her.

“What happened?” she asked.

Poe shrugged.

“I really don’t know.”

Poe told her about the night before: how they’d had a nice dinner, drank some wine, kissed on the patio, taken it to Poe’s bedroom and how Ren had suddenly gotten uneasy and left once Poe told him he was beautiful.

Rey nodded.

“Yeah. I can’t imagine he’s stable enough to be in a relationship,” she said.

Poe rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” he said.

Rey bit her lip.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” Rey asked.

Poe looked up.

“ _You?_ ”

“Yeah,” she said slowly, “He and I have a thing... we share this weird family force… bond. I usually know what he’s thinking. He usually knows what I’m thinking.”

“What?” Poe said, his eyes getting wide, “You share a _weird family force bond?_ You two read each other’s thoughts? _”_

Rey nodded.

“And you’re just _now_ telling me this?”

Rey shrugged, with an impatient sigh.

“Do you want me to talk to him for you or not?”

_/// Four Years Earlier_

A week after Hux had finally began taking care of Ren according to the rules issued by the medic, Ren showed real improvements. He was up and moving around. He was sweating and grimacing less. He had color in his cheeks. The wounds were beginning to heal.

He’d still kept the cactus.

Hux had only been in and out, dressing wounds and making sure the antibiotics were being taken, but he thought about Ren constantly. Something about Ren wouldn’t let Hux’s mind go.

Hux felt Ren’s eyes on him as he wrapped fresh medical tape on Ren’s newest bandage. Once Hux was done, Ren sat back, his back resting against the headboard.

“You think about me a lot,” Ren said as Hux dabbed salve onto the scar on his face.

Hux felt his stomach drop. He tried to play it off with a shrug.

“Well, I have to report on you to Snoke every day,” Hux said.

Ren said nothing, but his eyes burned into Hux.

“The medic said that once you finish your 10-day antibiotic supply, you’re free to go see Snoke,” Hux said, “To complete your training. Whatever the hell that means.”

Ren still said nothing.

“You have three days of antibiotics left. I trust you’ll be able to take care of yourself after that? ”

“Sure,” Ren said with a nod.

“Very good then,” Hux said, standing up, “I’ll be back this afternoon.”

///  _Present_

As promised, Rey went over to her aunt’s house after she left the base to talk to Ren. She greeted Leia with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and they sat around chatted for a while, just catching up.

“Is Ben home?” she asked.

“Yes. He’s here,” Leia said with a slight nod, “He didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Oh,” Rey said. She knew that meant he’d spent the night plagued by visions of Snoke.

“Do you know how it went with Poe last night?” Leia asked hesitantly, “I could sense he didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Yeah… Poe and I talked. It was fine, but then it didn’t end too well,” Rey said.

Leia nodded.

“I thought I’d try talking to him,” Rey said.

“Really?” Leia asked.

“Yeah. Surprising, I know,” Rey admitted.

Leia smiled. “I think he’d really like to hear from you,” she said.

///

Rey moved down the hall softly, stopping at the door to Ren’s workshop. It was slightly ajar and she peeked in. He was seated at his bench, working on a droid.

“Rey,” Ren said without lifting his head, “You can come in.”

Rey entered, but Ren didn’t turn to face her. Rey pulled up a stool and sat down. Ren had invited her to sit.

“The F-6 is coming along beautifully,” Rey said, looking over the protocol droid. Ren had its chest open, with parts scattered about.

Ren nodded.

“Almost done,” he said, “I’m upgrading the speech and language recognition with a new expansion pack.”

“Oh,” Rey said, “Did you hear that there’s one in development that will cover the outer limits of the western reaches?”

Ren nodded.

“That’s the one I’m putting in,” he said.

“You’ve got it already?”

Ren nodded.

“I have a guy,” he said.

“Of course you have,” she said with a slight smile.

Ren tightened a screw.

“You came here to ask about Poe,” he said.

“I did,” Rey said.

“But Poe didn’t send you. You offered?”

“I did,” Rey said.

“Why?”

“Because,” Rey began, “Poe and I got into a bit of an argument when he told me that he wanted to go out with you. I told him you were evil and dark and awful and Poe asked me how I’d know since I’ve hardly spent any time with you since you’ve been back.”

“So you came here to collect concrete evidence that I’m evil and dark and awful?”

“No,” Rey said, “I came here because I want to get to know you. Kylo Ren was evil and dark and awful ... and I only ever knew Kylo Ren. But I’ve never known you. I’ve never known Ben Solo.”

Ren nodded.

“Also, Poe really likes you and I have a tendency to get way too involved in playing wingman for him.”

Ren smiled a bit.

“You two had a nice dinner?” Rey asked.

Ren nodded.

“Why’d you leave so suddenly?” Rey asked, struggling to get into his head.

Ren sighed. He lifted his eyes to look at her.

“Poe makes me feel good. Poe makes me feel warm again,” he said, “But I’m not ready for a relationship.”

Rey shrugged. “You can tell that Poe. He’ll understand.”

Ren fell silent, then changed the subject.

“Whenever my mind is about to be overcome with thoughts and visions of Snoke, I get a cold feeling. It starts at the base of my spine and creeps in.”

“A cold feeling? Like chills?”

Ren shook his head and looked back down to the droid.

“No, not like chills. It’s different.”

Ren loosened a screw.

“Chills are a guarantee that you’re alive. Chills are an electric, tingling feeling,” Ren said.

They fell silent for a while.  

“Have you ever come close to dying? Really close? So close that you’re more dead than you are alive?” Ren asked.

Rey thought about it. She could remember times where death felt close, but not as close as Ren described to her now.

“No, not that close,” she said, slightly embarrassed.

Ren used a soldering iron to fuse two metal pieces together.

“There’s a coldness that sets in when you feel your soul slipping from your body,” he said while he worked, “It’s not a chill. It’s just … an absence. Like whitespace in your body.”

Rey nodded. It sounded horrific. She wasn’t sure what to say. She was surprised he’d opened up to her.

“Can I help you?” she asked softly.

Ren was silent for a second.

“With visions of Snoke? Or with the droids?” he asked.

Rey smiled.

“Well, I meant Snoke, but also maybe the droid.”

Ren smiled a bit too. She hadn’t seen him smile.

“I could use some help with wiring,” he admitted.

“Ok,” Rey said, she looked around the bench and picked up a cluster of wires, “These?”

Ren nodded.

Rey inspected them.

“You weren’t trying to wire a vintage F-6 with these, where you?”

“Maybe?” Ren said.

Rey shook her head and looked around the bench for another soldering iron.

“On the shelf,” Ren said, nodding upwards.

Rey reached for it. There was also a decanter of brandy, mostly full.

“We’ll need this too,” she said.

Ren smiled.

“Yeah,” he said, “I think we do.”


	9. Every Few Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
>  CHAPTER 9 SUMMARY: After avoiding each other for a few days, Poe and Ren meet to talk about what to do next after their dinner date failure. Flashback: Ren leaves to complete his training - without saying goodbye to Hux first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating! I've had a busy few days with work and life, but I have a couple more chapters written now and some free time this upcoming weekend, so the future is bright :) Thanks for reading!

/// CHAPTER NINE

Rey, again, opened the door of her meditation space to see Poe waiting on her zen rug. She rolled her eyes.

“You have to stop barging in here, Poe.”

“Ok, yeah, I’m sorry,” Poe said, scooting off of her rug, “But how did it go with Ren?”

She took off her shoes and joined Poe on the floor. She crossed her legs and assumed her zen position - cross-legged, back straight and palms up, eyes gently closed. She sat for a few moments. Poe started to think that maybe she’d forgotten his question.

“Did he say anything about the -”

“His soul has a kindness now that I’ve never felt in him.”

Poe smiled a triumphant _I-told-you-so_ smile.

“He likes you a lot,” she said.

Poe nodded. He already knew that part. He wanted to know why he’d left.

“He said that you make him feel warm,” Rey said, “but that he’s not ready for a relationship right now.”

“Oh,” Poe said, his shoulders slumping a bit.

They fell silent for a few moments.

“That’s all he said?”

Rey nodded.

“After that he started talking about the visions he’s been having of Snoke. And feelings of coldness,” Rey said, “Which I came here to meditate on.”

Poe sighed.

“Ok … do you think he’d want to see me? Just to talk?”

_/// Four Years Earlier_

General Hux looked on as the pilot and copilot of Kylo Ren’s command shuttle began preparing the ship for departure. Since their whiskey, cards and cactus night, Hux had only been in briefly once a day to help Ren re-wrap his torso and to make sure he finished his antibiotics. Ren didn’t seem interested in having him stay to hang around anymore, and Hux hadn’t wanted to bring it up. Ren had just taken the last antibiotic yesterday -- and by the looks of it, he was shipping off today.

“Lieutenant Mitaka,” Hux said,

Mitaka appeared.

“Is Kylo Ren’s shuttle scheduled to depart today?”

“Yes, General. Lord Ren’s crew is preparing the ship now for an 0900 departure.”

“Do you know where they’re headed?”

Mitaka checked his tablet.

“It appears to be classified sir? Would you like for me to request clearance on your behalf?”

“Please,” Hux said.

Mitaka bowed slightly and excused himself. Hux got his comm out to send Ren a message, but he didn’t know what to say. Sure, Ren was doing better, and his antibiotic regimen was done so his blood infection had cleared, but Hux could tell that his wound was still causing him some pain. Was he heading off to complete his training? In his current condition? He didn’t want to sound like a mother hen, but frankly didn’t find it feasible that Ren was leaving to take on a task so demanding as completing his training.

Hux was considering what to say in a message to Ren, when out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Ren’s long dark layers. He turned quickly to look and sure enough, Ren was walking towards his command shuttle with his signature swift and confident strides. He was dressed in his layers, but didn’t have his mask.

_What?_

Hux then recalled that he’d lost it at _Starkiller_ base. Hux checked the time. He was early. It was just like Ren to tell his crew he was departing at 0900, then show up a half hour early, only to be angry at finding the crew wasn’t ready for departure.

But, the crew _was_ ready. They stood at attention as he boarded, presumably to welcome him back, then they boarded as well, the bay door closing behind them. Moments later, they were airborne, departing swiftly from the _Finalizer’s_ hangar.

Mitaka arrived with a report.

“General,” he said, “Both the purpose and destination of Lord Ren’s departure are covered by the highest level of classification, as set by Supreme Leader Snoke. To gain access to this knowledge, you’ll have to ask the Supreme Leader himself.”

Hux nodded, dismissing Mitaka now and striding to the chamber to demand a meeting with Snoke.

_/// Present_

_Poe: Ben? I miss you. Could we talk sometime soon?_

Poe had meant to craft something more eloquent, but when it came down it, those words were all he really wanted to say to Ren. There was no response for about 15 minutes, which worried Poe, but then his comm buzzed.

_Ben: I miss you too, Poe. I’m sorry. Let’s talk._

///

Poe and Ren had met at Poe’s place the following evening. They’d greeted each other with a hug and a light kiss on the lips. Even though it was short, Poe still tasted Ren’s lips -- soft and sweet.

Poe offered to get Ren something to eat or drink, but Ren said he was fine. BB-8 rolled in as soon as he heard Ren’s voice, circling his feet, bobbing anxiously in place and beeping questions. Ren smiled and responded. BB-8 stuck around as long as he could before Poe had to plug him in to recharge his cells.  

“He wanted to stay up to say hi to you,” Poe said with a smile when he returned. They sat in the living room, Poe’s hand eventually finding Ren’s, their fingers lacing together.

Ren chuckled.

“He’s missed you. And I’ve missed you too. So much,” Poe said, “I know it’s ridiculous. I know it’s just been a few days.”

“No, it’s ok,” Ren said, “I’ve missed you too.”

They fell silent again.

“Are you ok?” Poe asked.

Ren nodded.

“I’m sorry I left,” Ren said.

“It’s ok. You don’t need to apologize. I was moving too fast. I’m sorry. I should’ve paid more attention to your signals and backed off.”

Poe had been replaying the night over and over in his mind. Ren had shown signs of discomfort. Poe should’ve known to stop.

“It’s ok. It’s just - my last relationship didn’t end too well. Or even really _go well_ ,” Ren said.

“Yeah,” Poe said, “I understand. It’s ok.”

They were silent for a little while.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“I totally understand that you don’t want a relationship right now,” Poe said, rubbing Ren’s thumb with his, “I know you’re going through so much. And you’ve been through so much already. And being here and being with me is new and different and scary.”

Poe turned to look at Ren now, eye to eye, kissing his knuckles as he did.

“But just know that I like you _so much_. You’re beautiful and wonderful and perfect and I know we haven’t known each other long and I know this sounds crazy, but I’d love nothing more than to be with you one day. Even if that one day doesn’t come for a long time. A really long time. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

Ren looked at him. A few moments of silence passed. Then he spoke.

“I really want to feel your cock at the back of my throat,” he said simply.

“ _What?”_

“I want you to fuck my throat. And then make me swallow your come when you’re finished. And I want you to fuck me so hard my eyes water and I’m moaning your name. And you’re grabbing my hair, yanking my head back until you come inside me and I finish all over the sheets and then we argue about who has to sleep on the wet spot because we’re both too tired to change them.”

_Holy fuck._

Poe stared at him.

“Babe?” he said.

“And I want you to fuck me every few hours. And there’s _nothing_ I don’t like. And I’m pretty sure I’ve tried everything, but if you think of something, let me know.”

Poe still stared, his eyes growing wide as all of Ren’s words sunk in. Then his lips met Ren’s in a deep, passionate kiss.

Poe held Ren’s neck, tugging on his hair, his tongue tasting Ren’s mouth. Ren kissed back, his fingers finding Poe’s thighs, then his crotch, then his belt, then his zipper.

“Babe?” Poe said, their lips barely parting, “Are you sure this is this ok? I thought you --”

“I need you to fuck me, Poe.”

 _God,_ Poe couldn’t take it when Ren talked to him that way. He kissed Ren’s neck, sucking a bit to taste him more.

“Take off your clothes,” Poe said, “Everything.”

Ren did just as he was told, undressing quickly, and once he was naked he sat back on his calves so Poe could look at him.

“Fuck,” Poe said, pulling his shirt off.

“Please fuck me now,” Ren said.

“I’m working on it, baby,” Poe said as he slid off his pants, kicking them away desperately.

“And fuck me hard. It’s been so long since I was covered in sex bruises.”

Poe pulled Ren close and kissed him, then grabbed a fistful of his hair, yanking his head back.

“Stop talking, baby,” Poe said, pushing Ren’s face down towards his cock. Ren slid down to the floor, on his knees, and sucked on Poe’s cock obediently. Poe’s grip on his hair didn’t relinquish, but tightened more and more as Ren’s head bobbed up and down.

Ren, his cheeks hollowed out and his throat opening, sucked Poe while Poe pulled hard on his dark wavy hair. Poe forced Ren’s head down, deeper and deeper, keeping him there until he knew Ren was aching for a breath. He brought Ren’s head up, then looked at him.

“You can do better than that, baby.”

Poe forced Ren’s head back down, deeper again and kept him there longer. Ren’s lungs ached for a breath, but Poe wouldn’t let him up. He choked and gagged, but Poe still wouldn’t let him up. Ren’s lungs burned, another choke, another gag, then Poe lifted him. Ren coughed, gasping in a breath, before Poe forced his head back down. Ren took all of Poe in his mouth, choking as the head met the back of his throat again, Poe pushing down even more. Poe looked down at Ren, his entire cock engulfed by Ren’s soft, pink lips, Ren’s nose flesh with Poe’s lower belly. Poe held Ren’s head there. He was beautiful like this.

“Good. Good boy,” Poe murmured. Ren glanced up, his mouth full of Poe, his eyes dark and pleading. It made Poe’s cock twitch. He needed to fuck Ren _right now_.

Poe lifted Ren’s head, holding it back and out of the way so he could stand up. He took Ren with him, pulling him to the kitchen by his hair and bending him over the countertop. He kicked Ren’s legs apart and pulled his head back.

“Look at me, baby,” Poe said. Ren glanced over his shoulder.

“Keep your legs wide and your ass up,” Poe said using his free hand to yank Ren’s hips up and back, “Head down.”

Poe pushed Ren’s head back down. He finally let go of Ren’s hair and opened a drawer, pulling out a small bottle and squeezing some its contents onto his fingers. Ren glanced over his shoulder, smirking when he saw.

“You keep lube in your ki--”

Poe pushed Ren’s head down again.

“Head down,” Poe breathed as he slowly worked a finger into Ren, then another.

Ren moaned softly, Poe pressing on his lower back to keep him where he wanted him. Poe added a third thinger, enjoying the feeling of _finally_ being inside of Ren. Ren moaned, his hips arching back to meet Poe’s fingers.

“You like that, baby?” Poe asked.

Ren nodded. He moaned softly.

“I know, baby,” Poe said, “I know.”

He pulled his fingers out after a few more moments and lubed his cock.

“Are you ready for me, baby?” Poe asked, bending over to place a gentle kiss between Ren’s shoulder blades.

“Yes,” Ren said,

“Yeah?”

“Yes. _Please_ fuck me now.”

Poe eased into Ren, slowly at first settling once he was all the way inside him. Ren felt _so good._ Poe moaned a bit, pulling out and going in again. He went at that pace a few more times before speeding up.

“Is this ok, baby?” Poe asked.

“Harder,” Ren said.

Poe worked up to it, but eventually he was slamming into Ren harder, and harder, faster and faster, his fingers grabbing onto Ren’s waist to keep him still.

“Harder,” Ren said. Poe held the front of Ren’s neck, fucking him harder. After a few moments, he moved his hand to hold Ren’s waist again.

“How is that, baby?”

Ren moaned, “It’s nice, Poe.”

_Nice?_

Poe fucked Ren faster and harder, both moaning as they made contact with each other in just the right spot, until Poe finished inside of Ren and Ren finished once he felt the warm sensation of Poe spreading inside of him.

Once they were done, Poe pulled Ren up gently and led him down the hall to the bedroom, their fingers lacing together again. They snuggled up together in Poe’s bed, facing each other in the dark, still naked, their noses touching and legs and toes curling around each other. Once their eyes adjusted and they could see, their pupils met. They didn’t say anything for a few moments.

“Every few hours, babe?” Poe asked.

Ren chuckled, kissing Poe’s nose.

“Yeah,” he said, “Every few hours.”


	10. A Hug?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 10 SUMMARY: The "morning after" doesn't go so well for Ren and Poe. Flashback: When Hux sees how tired, battered and bruised Ren is upon returning from training, he does something he'd never though he'd do.

/// CHAPTER TEN

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

After twelve weeks away, Ren still hadn’t returned. Snoke hadn’t given Hux much information in their meetings - just that Ren was completing his training. He didn’t say where he was or how long he’d be gone. Or if he’d even be back on board the _Finalizer_ ever.

By the fourteenth week, Hux was fairly certain Ren would never return. He was in a meeting, seated at the table in the largest conference room overlooking the hangar when he saw Ren’s command shuttle coming in for landing.

He tried not to give away his gaze, but he watched as the ship landed and the bay doors opened. Moments later, Ren was deboarding. He was dressed in his standard dark layers and he had a mask now, identical to his old one. He walked swiftly, crossing the whole hangar in what seemed like just a few strides. Hux watched until he was out of sight, then excused himself from the meeting.

He quickly made his way to the hangar and got there just in time to see Ren disappearing around the corner. Hux quickened his pace even more to catch up with him. Once he turned the corner, he saw Ren stalking down the hall.

“Ren,” he called out. Ren stopped and turned. Hux caught up to him, then straightened his jacket, matching his strides now and trying to pretend like he hadn’t just been chasing him.

“General Hux,” Ren said shortly.

“You’ve returned,” Hux said.

“Yes.”

“I wasn’t sure that you were coming ba-,” Hux began

“Did you need something, General?”

Ren stopped walking now, abruptly, and turned to face Hux. Hux stopped too.

“There’s a lot you’ve missed in your time away,” Hux said, “We’ll need to debrief.”

“Did you want to do that now, General?”

“No,” Hux said, “I suppose it can wait.”

Ren turned to leave, making it clear that their conversation was over.

///

Their debriefing with Snoke the next morning had been horrific. Snoke was being _incredibly_ coarse with Ren -- more so than usual. They both stared at the floor as Snoke loomed over them, berating Ren for losing possession of some sort of file, but not the one in the BB unit that had led to the collapse of _Starkiller_ base. Hux looked on, wanting to ask questions. _What file did they need now? Had Ren successfully completed his training? Why was Snoke so angry with him?_

But Hux didn’t dare say a word unless he was called upon to answer questions regarding the state of the First Order. Their debrief had gone on for over an hour and every minute had been worse than the last. Hux had sat through his fair share of terrible meetings, but this was a new low. The First Order was struggling, and Snoke placed the blame entirely on Ren and Hux. Mostly Ren. Their fleet was scattered, their first two retaliation strikes had produced only mediocre results, morale among the remaining storm troopers was low and their tactical operations had taken a serious hit since Ren had disappeared for fourteen weeks. Ren had uttered only a few words in response over the course of the entire meeting.

Snoke ordered them to develop a new retaliation plan -- one that wouldn’t fail -- then excused Hux. But not Ren. Hux bowed and left, wondering what more Snoke could possibly have to say to Ren. Hux had left, as instructed, but he waited just outside the door. He’d waited nearly another half hour before the door opened and Ren exited, swiftly.

Hux followed.

“Ren?”

“What?”

“We need to talk.”

“Later.”

Hux sighed.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“We’ll talk later.”

Hux wouldn’t let it go. He followed Ren, walking quickly to keep up.

“You’re not yourself, Ren. You’re never this docile. Not even with Snoke.”

Ren said nothing, just kept walking.

“Where are you going?” Hux finally asked, “What’s going on?”

“I need to sit,” he muttered, his mask rendering the sentence almost nonexistent. Hux thought for a moment about what to do. Then he spoke.

“Here,” he said, nodding to a room, a smaller conference room. They entered and Ren shut the door with a quick motion, then unlatched and removed his mask.

He was sweating bullets, his eyes were dilated and his hair was stuck to his face. The scar on his face had healed a bit, but was still a menacing pinkish-red.

“Ren,” Hux said his eyes growing wide, “Sit down. For Christ’s sake.”

Hux pulled out a chair and Ren sat. He searched Ren’s face, trying to figure out what was going on. Finally, Hux realized. _He’s in pain._

“What’s wrong? Is it your side?”

Ren nodded.

“Still? It’s not improved?”

Ren shook his head.

“Let’s get you upstairs,” Hux said.

///

Hux had walked with Ren up to his quarters. Once they arrived, Ren took his mask back off and left it by the door. He went down the hall to his bedroom and Hux went to the kitchen to get Ren some water and ice chips to chew on. He’d liked chewing on ice when he was recovering after _Starkiller_ base.

When Hux got to Ren’s bedroom, Ren was in the process of undressing, with layers of black littering the floor around his feet. Hux now saw what was causing Ren pain -- not only was his original wound not much improved, but he was _covered_ in new wounds, with extensive bruising throughout. Hux’s eyes grew wide as Ren eased out of the last of his clothes and sat on his bed, dressed now only in a small grey pair of underwear.

Hux sat the water and ice down on the table next to the bed. The cactus was still there.

“Ren? I feel like I should call a medic,” Hux said.

“No,” Ren said, easing back so he was sitting upright with his back resting against the headboard.

“I’m ok.”

 _“_ Ren you look awful. _”_

“I’m fine,” Ren said, taking the water. He drank the entire glass.

“I’ll get more,” Hux said, standing and offering to take the glass. Hux refilled it, plus another, and came back. Ren was chewing on the ice chips.

Hux sat the water down and pulled up the chair he’d used before when he came to check on Ren.

“What happened? What’s going on? With you? With Snoke?” Hux asked.

Ren shook his head as he chewed the ice. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Hux sighed, trying to think of something to say.

“You can go,” Ren said.

“I really don’t think you’re in any state to-”

“You can go!” Ren repeated, suddenly angry. His nostrils flaring and his eyes were fiery.

Hux had never seen Ren angry without his mask. Frankly, it was no less terrifying. Hux stood.

“I’ll go,” he said, “But if you need something, will you _please_ send me a message?”

“General Hux,” Ren said sternly, his jaw clenched, “You can go.”

///

Hux didn’t know what had brought back him there, but he found himself outside of Ren’s door later that evening, debating on whether or not to ring the bell. He had no reason to want to check in on Ren after how upset he’d been earlier, yet he couldn’t _not_ check in on Ren.

Hux entered the code and the door opened. He pushed it open slowly and eventually saw Ren’s back. He was sitting cross-legged on a mat, shirtless, with a candle lit, back straight and facing out towards his view of the galaxy. Hux realized he was meditating and went to gently shut the door.

“Hux,” Ren said.

Hux froze.

“Ren. Hi. I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to disturb you. I just wanted to-,”

“To check on me.”

“Yes,” Hux said softly. Ren bowed slowly, still facing the window, then raised slowly. He stood up in one motion, not using his hands for support, but showing signs of strain.

“You think about me a lot,” Ren said, turning to face Hux. His eyes were downturned, his brow furrowed, “Why?”

“Why?”

“Yeah. Why do you think about me so much?”

Hux shrugged. He really didn’t know. He hated Ren.

“You hate me,” Ren said softly.

“I don’t hate you,” Hux said.

“You’re lying.”

“Ok. I don’t hate you as much as I used to.”

Ren examined him.

“But you’re here? Willingly? To check on me?”

Hux shrugged.

“You were in pain earlier. And you look like you’ve been through hell. And the meeting with Snoke was nightmarish. And as much as I hate you, I realize you’re still a person who might sometimes have feelings.”

Ren said nothing, his gaze down at the floor.

“I thought maybe you could use some company? To talk about ... things? Or take your mind off of everything?”

Ren shrugged.

“Is that ok?”

Ren shrugged.

“Is it ok if I stay a while?”

Ren thought a bit, then nodded.

“Ok,” Hux said.

“You can sit,” Ren said softly, as he picked his shirt up from the table and slid it back on.

Hux nodded and took a seat.

Ren sat in a chair across from Hux, curling his legs underneath him. They sat in silence for a few moments.

“What do you want to talk about?” Hux asked.

Ren shrugged.

“Do you want to talk about whatever’s going on with Snoke… or…?”

Ren shook his head.

“Ok,” Hux said with a shrug, “What’s your favorite food?”

“My favorite food?”

“Yeah,” Hux said.

“Why do you need to know my favorite food?”

“I don’t _need_ to know. I’m just asking because -- it’s a thing people do when they’re getting to know each other,” Hux said. He felt odd having to explain to Ren how to have a conversation.

“Oh,” Ren said, he chewed on his lip and thought about it, “I like split pea soup.”

Hux chuckled.

“Your favorite food is split pea soup?”

“I think so,” Ren said, “I haven’t really thought about it.”

“Ok,” Hux said with a shrug.

They were quiet.

“It’s your turn to ask me a question,” Hux said.

“Oh,” Ren said. He thought for a few moments. “How old are you?”

“I’m 33.”

Ren nodded.

“Where’d you grow up?” Hux asked.

“Cronoe,” Ren said, “But I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Ok,” Hux said, “Noted.”

“Where’d you grow up?”

“Pionia,” Hux responded, "Somewhat."

“The New Republic?” Ren asked.

Hux nodded.

“I don’t really want to talk about that either.”

Ren nodded.

“What’s your favorite color?”

Ren shrugged. “I don’t have one really. I guess black? What’s yours?”

“Black.”

They fell silent again.

“Are you left or right-handed?” Hux asked.

“I favor right,” Ren said, “But I use both. You?”

“I’m right-handed. My left hand is pretty worthless.”

They fell silent while Ren thought about what to ask.

“What size shoe do you wear?” Ren asked.

Hux raised his eyebrows, “That’s a good question, Ren. You’re getting good at this.”

Ren rolled his eyes.

“I wear an 11.”

Ren smiled just a bit, “Me too.”

Hux smiled, but then Ren looked away. They were quiet again for a while.

“Are you ok?” Hux asked.

Ren said nothing. He looked anywhere but at Hux.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Ren shook his head.

“Could I give you a hug?” Hux asked, surprising even himself. He wasn’t one to offer sympathy or care, but he couldn’t get the image of a beaten and battered Kylo Ren enduring fourteen weeks of rigorous training and what appeared to be extensive abuse, based on his bruising.

Ren looked up at him now.

“A _hug_?”

“I don’t know. I’ve only ever given a handful of hugs in my life,” Hux said, “But I’m receiving signals that you might need a hug.”

“I don’t need a hug.”

“Could I please give you a hug?”

“I don’t need a hug,” Ren murmured looking down.

Hux, stood, crossed the room and then gently squatted down to be level with Ren’s eyes. “Ren?”

Ren looked up to meet Hux’s eyes. They’d never really looked at each other before, in close range, without being an involved in argument. Still not entirely used to seeing Ren without his mask, Hux examined Ren’s face. His eyes were lighter up close -- almost hazel. He liked Ren’s large features and tiny moles. His lips were large, pink and looked soft. His wavy hair looked soft and inviting -- the type of hair that was hard to resist touching.

As much as his instinct and nature told him not to, Hux leaned in, hugging Ren’s shoulders, pulling him close and holding him tightly. Ren’s muscles tensed, but Hux was determined not to let go.

“Ren,” Hux said as he hugged him, “It’s ok. I promise I won’t tell anyone that Kylo Ren needed a hug once.”

He felt Ren relax just slightly.

“Is this ok?” Hux asked.

Ren didn’t respond, but Hux still held him close and tight. Eventually, he felt Ren’s arms wrap around him too, and Ren buried his head in Hux’s neck. He wasn’t sure how long he held Ren, but when he went to let go, he felt Ren’s arms tighten around his waist.

“Ok,” Hux said, “It’s ok, Ren.”

He could feel Ren tremble.

“Please don’t leave,” Ren said, his voice so soft Hux had thought he imaged it. “Please don’t let go?”

Hux squeezed Ren. “Of course not, Ren.”

They held each other until their arms ached and then Hux slowly let go. Ren’s eyes met his. He seemed _scared_.

“Are you ok?” Hux asked.

Ren shook his head, too embarrassed to look Hux in the eyes.

_Fuck._

Hux pulled Ren close again.

“Come here,” Hux said.

Hux found himself gently taking Ren’s hand. He hadn’t held anyone’s hand in _years_. They went down the hall to his bedroom and Ren climbed into bed. Hux started to pull up a chair, but Ren shook his head.

“Please hold me?” he asked, his voice soft, his gaze down. He was ashamed.

“Sure,” Hux said, “Of course.”

He _climbed into bed_ with Kylo Ren _._ He sat next to Ren and Ren slouched down, burying his head in Hux’s side and curling up in the fetal position. Hux put an arm around him and held him close.

“How’s that?” Hux asked, looking down and tucking Ren’s hair behind his ear so they could see each other. His hair was as soft as Hux had imagined.

“It’s nice,” Ren said.

“Yeah?” Hux said.

Ren nodded, moving in even closer to Hux.

“No one’s hugged me in a really long time,” Ren eventually said.

“Really?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded. “Since I was a teenager I think,” he said.

“Since you were a _teenager_?”

Ren nodded.

“You haven’t been hugged since you were _a teenager_?”

Hux felt a mix of confusion and anger. He pulled Ren closer. No one had hugged this human in _15 years?_ He didn’t know what came over him, but he bent over and placed a kiss on the top of Ren’s head.

“Well you have me to hug you now, ok?” Hux asked, “And I won’t tell anyone.”

Ren nodded.

“Thank you,” he said.

They were silent for a while.

“Will you stay?” Ren asked.

“Stay?” Hux asked.

“Yeah? Here? With me?”

“Sure,” Hux said, “I’ll stay here with you, Ren.”

_/// Present_

Poe woke up the next morning when he sensed an emptiness in his bed. His eyes blinked open, trying to decipher the darkness of his bedroom. He checked his clock. 0600 hours. He looked around and one his eyes had adjusted, he realized Ren was gone. He sat up quickly now and looked around.

_Maybe he’s just in the bathroom?_

Poe got out of bed quickly, slipped on a pair of underwear and checked the bathroom. Nope. He went out to the hall and saw a light on the living room. Ren was there, getting dressed.

“Ben?” Poe said.

Ren turned, making quick eye contact, before looking away.

“Hi,” he said softly, still avoiding eye contact, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You’re leaving?” Poe asked, taking a few steps forward.

“Yeah,” Ren murmured, as he slipped his shirt quickly, then his shoes.

“Ok?” Poe asked, trying to read his signals. Ren offered no explanation.

“Are you ok?” Poe asked.

Ren put on his jacket, grabbed his comm and headed for the door. Poe followed, stunned.

“I’ll text you later,” he said, giving Poe a quick kiss on the cheek and then opening the door, leaving him there all alone.

_/// Four Years Earlier_

When Hux had woken up, his first realization was that he didn’t know where he was. He looked around the foreign walls and the foreign ceiling before his arriving at his second realization: He was with Ren. He turned now and saw that Ren was still sleeping, his dark hair spread out across the pillow, his eyes shut, his dark lashes against his skin, his chest gently breathing in and out.

Hux had stayed the night, just as he’d said he would. As soon as Hux had promised to stay, Ren had curled up into Hux’s side and Hux had slid off his pants and jacket and relaxed down into bed a bit to hold Ren closer, careful to avoid his bruises and wounds. Ren’s body was lean and muscular, but surprisingly warm, and his skin soft. Their bodies fit together nicely. Ren had turned on the tv for them, and Hux had watched the nightly First Order news while Ren dozed off. Once Ren was on the verge of sleep, Hux whispered that he was going to get up to turn off the tv and lamp. Ren murmured something along the lines of don’t, then murmured something else and the tv and lamp shut off.

_Ren uses the Force in his sleep?_

Once they’d settled fully into bed and burrowed beneath the blankets, Hux had been surprised to find that Ren _really_ loved to cuddle. All night, he’d stayed close to Hux, breathing softly next to him, his nose buried in Hux’s shoulder. Hux hadn’t been that close to anyone in _so long._ He laid awake for a while, comforted by the feeling of Ren’s breath tickling his neck.

When they’d both woken up, Ren still wanted to cuddle.

“Good morning,” Ren murmured, “Thank you for staying.”

“You’re welcome, Ren.”

Waking up together wasn’t uncomfortable and awkward. It felt natural to wake up close to each other, limbs intertwined.

“You’re such a peaceful sleeper,” Hux said. Ren hummed something in response.

“I like this,” Ren said.

“I like it too, Ren.”


	11. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 11 SUMMARY: Poe decides he's over Ren, which lasts three days. They meet to talk and sort things out, but the conversation again takes an unexpected turn. Flashback: Ren and Hux are inseparable. They spend all their free time together, they love being close and they can't get enough of each other's company. Ren asks Hux to join him on a secret trip to buy parts for his new lightsaber.

_/// CHAPTER 11_

When Poe arrived at the base later for the morning debrief, his emotions ran the gamut of confused, angry, hurt and sad. BB-8 had tried to cheer him up with a series of pre-programmed jokes, but it wasn’t working. Poe thanked BB-8 for trying, settled into his chair at the table and stared ahead, while others filtered in around him, including Leia.

_Shit._

He wondered how much she knew. She certainly knew that Ren hadn’t come home last night. And Poe knew she was an early riser, so she was undoubtedly awake when her son came in at 6 am with disheveled hair and maybe a few visible sex bruises.

He avoided meeting her eyes. Rey came in and sat her in seat, which happened to be across from Poe. She gave him an inquisitive look. She knew something was wrong. He sent her his best _“I don’t want to talk about it”_ vibes and hoped she picked up on it.

The meeting droned along for an hour or so, Poe interjecting only when necessary, and leaving as soon as it was over. He checked his comm. Nothing from Ren. He rolled his eyes. Rey caught up with him in the walkway back to the hangar.

“Poe?” she called out, quickening her steps to catch up with him.

“Hey,” he said.

“What _happened_?”

Poe rolled his eyes.

“I can’t,” Poe murmured, “I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Please,” Rey said, “Tell me about it. You’re miserable.”

Poe sighed.

“What happened?” Rey asked again. Poe let out a defeated sigh.

“He came last night over to talk. I told him that it was totally cool if he didn’t want a relationship. I told him I was willing to wait until he was ready, to take it slow, to back off … whatever he wanted. Then he responded with something like _“I want your cock at the back of my throat.”_ And he kept going on and on, talking about how much he wanted to fuck. And so we did. _After_ I asked him if he was sure. We had, what I thought, was great sex, then we fell asleep in my bed, but I woke up to him sneaking out at 6 this morning with hardly a goodbye.”

Rey’s eyes were wide.

_“What?”_

“It’s crazy right? It’s just not me? He’s being crazy.”

“That’s crazy.”

“I was willing to take it slow! He wanted me to fuck him, and I did and now he’s being weird!

Rey sighed.

“When I talked to him I didn’t get any indication that he was _remotely_ ready to be intimate with you.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Poe said, running a hand through his hair, “But then he went into detail describing exactly how he wanted it. And I asked him if he was _really_ sure and he was all, _please fuck me now, Poe.”_

Rey and Poe walked in silence for a bit until they arrived at Poe’s workspace.

“That’s really crazy.”

“Maybe the sex was bad. I don’t know,” Poe said with a sigh.

Rey shrugged. She felt bad for him.

“And I have to go off-planet today to lead a training drill,” he said with a sigh, “But all I feel like doing is hiding out and eating crisps and avoiding Ren and Leia for the rest of my life.”

“I’m so sorry, Poe,” Rey said, reaching up to hug him. She held him for a while and Poe was grateful for it. He needed a hug.

“Do you want me to talk to him or no?”

Poe shook his head.

“I really don’t want anything to do with him right now.”

Rey nodded.

“Call me later when you’re back, ok?” she said, “We’ll go out. Drinks are on me.”

Poe nodded. They hugged again, Rey kissing his cheek before she left. Poe and BB-8 dutifully prepared the X-Wing for departure. About a half hour later, just before they were ready to leave, Poe’s comm buzzed. It was Ren. He checked it, his heart rate increasing a few beats as he did.

_Ben: Last night was a mistake. It was my fault. I can’t do this and I don’t think I can see you anymore. I’m so sorry._

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux never spent much time evaluating his feelings, but for the first time in longer than he could remember, he felt _happy_. He’d forgotten about the whole notion of being happy. His range of feelings slid on a scale of livid to angry to neutral to satisfied -- maybe sometimes pleased, but never _happy_.

Since he’d spent the night at Ren’s exactly one week earlier, the two had become nearly inseparable. The First Order was still in crisis mode. Snoke still berated them daily. He and Ren still argued endlessly on the command bridge. But, as soon as the day drew to a close, they’d both meet at Ren’s place and spend the evening watching old movies from the _Finalizer’s_ digital archive, eating dinner on the floor, laughing, talking and asking questions to get to know each other better. Hux slept at Ren’s place every night. They’d snuggle up in bed together, and after the lights were off their banter and laughter filled the darkness until they eventually got tired enough to fall asleep next to each other, cuddled up close. Hux liked being there to hold Ren and make sure he wasn’t in too much pain at the day’s end and to make sure his wounds and bruises were healing. Sometimes, after Ren fell asleep, Hux would trace his wounds and bruises lightly with his fingers and wonder what happened to him in the time he was gone.

They were both lying around Ren’s living room one evening, Hux was reading a book on classic military strategy and Ren was sketching plans and making notes for the new lightsaber he was working on. Hux sat on one end of the sofa, his back against the arm, slouched down and his knees pulled up near his chest, the book resting there. Ren was sprawled on the floor, propped up on his elbows, starting a revision on a previous sketch. They sat in comfortable silence, with First Order news on in the background.

“Hux?” Ren asked eventually, looking up to him.

“Hm?” Hux asked, still reading, turning another page of his book.

“Do you want to steal a ship this weekend and go shopping?”

Hux looked away from his book now.

“What?”

“Do you want to steal a ship this weekend and go--”

“No, I heard you, Ren,” Hux said, putting a mark in his book and closing it, “We can’t just steal a ship and go out shopping.”

“Well, I mean. We’ll check the ship out. And bring it back.”

“We can’t just check out a ship and go shopping.”

“Why not?”

“The First Order is falling apart. The storm troopers are on the verge of unionizing and staging a coup.”

“Yeah. I know that. I need to get parts to build my saber,” Ren said with a shrug, “It’s like a work trip.”

“You can’t have those ordered in?”

“I could. Or we could go out and get out and get them. I like choosing my parts by hand anyways.”

Hux sighed.

“You’ve been without a saber all this time?” Hux asked.

Ren sat up, sitting back on one calf, the other leg tucked up near his chest. Hux couldn’t get over how goofy Ren was with folding his long arms and legs to sit in positions that he was way too tall to occupy. “I have a loaner. But I don’t like it.”

“Why don’t you just take your command shuttle?” Hux asked.

“Too big for the two of us,” Ren said, “It needs a pilot and copilot.”

“And who’s going to pilot the ship we borrow?”

“Me,” Ren said with a shrug.

Hux rolled his eyes.

“I mean, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Ren said, looking down, “I just thought it might be fun.”

Hux smirked a bit.

“Ok,” he said, “We can go. But just a few hours.”

 

_/// Present_

Poe hadn’t bothered to respond to Ren’s message -- and that had been three days ago. His emotions had sorted themselves out, and he was left only with anger. He’d decided he was over Ren and he was moving on.

He’d been strategically avoiding Leia at the base, but there was little he could do when she showed up at the door of his workspace one afternoon. BB-8 had been excitedly bobbing in place, telling Poe about a new airwave he’d picked up from the western reaches, but he’d stopped once Leia appeared at the door. Sensing the potential awkwardness, BB-8 beeped a greeting at General Organa then made himself scarce.

“General Organa,” Poe said.

“Hi, Poe,” she said. She seemed surprisingly comfortable. Had Ren not told her anything?

“So, remember when you suggested that Ben work at the base?”

Poe’s stomach dropped.

“Yes,” Poe said, “I do remember suggesting that.”

“I asked him about it again last night, and he said he’d like to do it,” Leia said with a smile, “He’d like to come work in the hangar.”

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Ren and Hux were settled in Ren’s bed, scrolling through Hux’s datapad to choose a ship for their trip the next day. Hux sat upright holding the datapad and Ren was slouched down next to him, his chin tucked in Hux’s elbow as he looked on at the selection process.

There was an unspoken closeness between the two of them that grew stronger with each day. Whenever they were alone behind closed doors, they liked to be as close to each other as possible. Hux liked feeling Ren’s skin under his fingers and Ren loved the contact. When they were together at Ren’s place, they always occupied the same room, the same space, the same bed.

But they hadn’t yet given any vocalization to what was going on between them. They hadn’t talked about the possibility of being more than just friends. They hadn’t gone further than hand holding and cuddling. Hux would occasionally kiss Ren on the top his head, but they hadn’t yet shared a real kiss.

“What about this one?” Hux asked, “There’s lots of these available.”

“Yeah, because those are awful,” Ren said.

“Oh?” Hux asked.

“Yeah. They’re hard to pilot and they’re unreasonably slow for their size.”

Hux made note of that. They were quiet for a few moments as they kept scrolling.

“Ren?” Hux asked.

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind if I leave a few things here?”

Ren looked up at him. “Yeah,” he said, “Sure. Of course.”

Ren sat up a bit now. “Like clothes?” he asked.

“Yeah, and a few toiletries” Hux said with a shrug, “If that’s ok.”

After they woke up together in the mornings, Hux would slip on whatever clothes he’d worn there the night before, he’d give Ren a hug goodbye and he’d go down to his quarters to get dressed up as General Hux.

“Yeah, of course,” Ren said. “I thought you maybe didn’t _want_ to leave clothes here?”

Hux shrugged.

“I mean, I’ll need to bring my own hangers and garment bags so make sure my uniform is crisp,” Hux said with a smirk, “But I’d like to stay with you longer in the mornings if you don’t mind.”

Ren rolled his eyes, but smiled. Hux was always criticizing his lack of proper garment hangers -- and really the absence of any and all closet organization in general -- while also emphasizing his need for a standard issue steam iron.

“I’d like it too,” Ren said.

 

_/// Present_

Poe was seething. He hadn’t yet bothered to respond to Ren’s “break up” text message but he did now. He read it again after Leia had delivered the awful news and then left.

_Ben: Last night was a mistake. It was my fault. I can’t do this and I don’t think I can see you anymore. I’m so sorry._

_Poe: You can’t see me anymore, so you’ve decided to take a job IN MY HANGAR?_

A few moments after he sent the message, Poe’s comm buzzed. Ren was calling him. He snatched up the phone.

“What?” Poe said.

“Hi, Poe.”

Poe cringed at how much he loved the sound of Ren’s voice.

“What do you want?”

“We should talk.”

“Talk? Or fuck? Which is it, Ben?”

He heard Ren sigh on the other end of the phone.

“I just want to _talk_ to you,” he said.

Poe rolled his eyes. “Not at my place.”

///

Poe and Ren met at the Organa estate that evening after Poe left the base. When Poe arrived, Ren had been waiting outside, seated on the front steps. Poe rolled his eyes as he got off of his speeder bike and saw Ren waiting -- he looked beautiful.

They’d opted to have their conversation outside and take a walk around the grounds. The sun was setting, casting an orange glow on all the lush trees and greenery. It was beautiful and Poe wished he were sharing this moment with Ren under better circumstances.

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you again before I told my mom that I’d work at the base,” Ren said a few minutes after they’d started walking.

Poe said nothing.

“Are you mad at me?” Ren asked.

“Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about you,” Poe said, “I don’t know if I’m mad or confused or hurt.”

Ren nodded. “I can understand that,” he said.

“What happened?” Poe asked, “Why do you keep changing your mind about me?”

“It’s not you,” Ren said, “I’m not changing my mind about you. I like you. A lot. I just have a lot of other things ...”

“ _What_ other things?” Poe asked, his tone biting and accusatory.

Ren was silent for a few moments, his gaze downward. He took a deep breath.

“Snoke is occupying my thoughts. I’m not sleeping well. My mom is missing my dad a lot, but she doesn’t want me to know and she’s trying not to show it. And his birthday is coming up and he would’ve turned 65 this year. I don’t know what I’m doing here, or with my entire life. I’m overcome with fear. And I’m still in love with my ex, but he’s gone forever and I miss him so much that I feel physical pain at not being able to be near him and hold him and touch him and kiss him,” Ren said, “And I don’t want to project all of that onto you, so I’m trying to stay away, but I like you so much and I’m drawn to you and you make me feel warm and everything doesn’t hurt so much when I’m with you.”

_Wow._

Poe’s face stung. He suddenly felt very selfish for thinking all of Ren’s behavior was to drive him crazy. In his anger, he’d admittedly forgotten about all the other shit Ren was dealing with. He also hadn’t considered that Ren maybe had an ex.

“I’m sorry,” Poe said, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

Ren shrugged. “It’s ok.” he said.

Poe tentatively took Ren’s fingers in his and squeezed. Ren squeezed back.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Poe asked, enjoying the feeling of Ren’s fingers in his again.

“I really do want to work at the base,” Ren said, “Staying at home alone all day in the house where my parents lived is driving me crazy. I need to get out. I need to do something else all day to take my mind off of … things.”

“Ok,” Poe said, “Yeah. Please. Come work at the hangar.”

Ren squeezed Poe’s fingers, then kissed his knuckles. They walked in silence for a few minutes, making their way to the eastern ridge overlook.

“When do you want to start?” Poe asked.

Ren shrugged.

“How long will it take for everyone there to come around to the idea?”

Poe frankly hadn’t thought yet about how he'd break the news.

“I don’t know, babe,” Poe said, chiding himself for calling Ren _babe_ again already. He had been determined to be angry with Ren, to make it clear that he was angry and to stay that way. “I’ll call a meeting tomorrow and we’ll talk about it then.”

Ren nodded. They came to a clearing that overlooked the coast of the eastern ridge. The sun was nearly set now and they sat down in the grass to watch it disappear completely behind the ridge.

“What about us?” Poe asked. “What do you want to do?”

Before he’d come here, he’d resolved to forbid Ren to work at the hangar, and he’d resolved to break it off with him once and for all. So far, he was zero for one.

“I want to be with you,” Ren said. “I’m just afraid that I won’t be enough.”

“Enough?”

“Yeah. I’m afraid that I won’t make you happy.”

“What? No. You don’t have to make me happy, babe,” Poe said, looking over at Ren now, “I’m happy already. I have a good life and good friends and a good droid. You don’t have to do anything. I just want to share my life with you. I want to make you feel warm and safe and loved. That’s all.”

Ren looked down at his palms in his lap. Poe tilted his chin up so their eyes met.

“Is that ok? You don’t have to hide anything from me. You don’t have to be anything. If you’re up all night, then I’ll stay up all night with you. If you’re paralyzed with fear and you’re too anxious to move, then I’ll be still with you. I just want to take care of you, Ben.”

Ren searched Poe’s eyes. His dark, beautiful eyes met Poe’s and their pupils locked. The gaze they shared was soft, but intense.

“Poe?” Ren said.

“Yeah, babe?”

“I love you.”


	12. Of All the Exes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 12 SUMMARY: Poe realizes he's probably definitely in love with Ren. Ren tells Poe that General Hux is his ex. Flashback: Ren and Hux go on their first unofficial date, after which Hux has a minor meltdown.

/// CHAPTER 12

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Ren and Hux had decided on a simple inter-system transport ship and left the _Finalizer_ without raising many brows. They both dressed their parts, Ren in his layers and mask, Hux in his stiffly buttoned jacket and creased pants. They had left the _Finalizer_ together before on a few occasions to go see Snoke, but they usually had a crew. This mission they marked as classified and departed the bay in a small ship, all alone.

“I can’t fly with all this shit on,” Ren said once they were clear of the _Finalizer._ He took off his mask, tossing it aside and then put the craft on auto pilot so he could undress. Hux undressed now too. They’d both worn civilian clothes under their standard dress. Hux looked terribly ordinary in his black long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up, black pants and black boots. He tousled his hair a bit so it wasn’t so stiff and perfect. Ren was dressed in an outfit similar to Hux’s when he returned, having shed his layers and kicked them aside. Hux had folded everything neatly, being sure to make a sharp crease in the pants and jacket.

Hux wasn’t much of a pilot, but he sat in the copilot seat anyways.

“Thanks for coming with me,” Ren said as he sat back down in the pilot seat.

“You’re welcome,” Hux said, watching as Ren flipped a few switches and controls.

“Where’d you learn to fly?” Hux asked.

Ren shrugged. “My father is a pilot.”

“Was a pilot,” he corrected, softly.

Hux nodded.

They hadn’t yet talked about family. At all. He hadn’t told Ren that he knew that his name was Ben Solo and his father had been Han Solo, but he figured Ren knew. Ren seemed to always know what he was thinking.

“Do you want to fly us there?”

“What?”

“Yeah,” Ren said with a shrug, “It’s easy. You can fly us in and I’ll land us.”

“I really don’t have much experience flying, Ren,” Hux’s brow furrowed at the thought of two of the First Order’s highest ranking officers dying in a simple inter-system transport unit at the hands of Hux, an inexperienced pilot, when Ren was on board and fully capable of safely delivering them to the location of their unsanctioned civilian shopping expedition.

“It’s easy. If anything goes wrong, I’ll jump in. Here, I’ll turn on pilot assist,” Ren said, flipping a few more switches.

Hux couldn’t believe how lax Ren was being about this. But then, if anything, he’d learned over the last week or so that Ren wasn’t nearly as high-strung as he would’ve guessed.

“I’ll try it,” Hux agreed, “But let the record show that I think this is an awful idea.”

_/// Present_

“He _loves_ you?” Rey chewed on her breakfast oats, eyes wide. Poe had been waiting on her zen mat again, but she was so swept up in their drama that she didn’t even care.

Poe ran a hand through his hair.

“He told you that he _loves_ you?” Rey couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah. I was kind of asking for it?”

 _“_ Asking for it?”

“When I went to talk to him I had this idea in my mind that I was going tell him that he can’t work here and that I don’t want to see him anymore,” Poe said, “But it’s like, I don’t know… when I’m with him I just turn into this blubbery idiot who calls him _babe_ only says shit like _‘I’ll wait for as long as it takes,”_ or _“I’ll stay up all night,”_ and _“I just want to take care of you.”_

Rey let out a laugh.

“You call him, _babe?”_

“Don’t,” Poe said tiredly.

_“Babe?”_

“Rey,” Poe said, rolling his eyes, “What do I do? What if he’s in love with me?”

Rey munched on her oats. “Poe,” she said.

“What?”

“He is in love with you. And you’re in love with him too.”

  _/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux and Ren found that they were apparently unrecognizable without their identifying uniforms. No one really knew what Kylo Ren looked like at all, and no one could recognize General Hux in civilian clothes and with messy hair.

They’d landed on a small nearby neutral planet called Apluna - and, in spite of his fears, Hux had successfully flown them there with the help of pilot assist. He'd gloated as he got out of the pilot seat so Ren could land. Apluna was a mostly desert planet, but was rich in natural underground resources. The _Finalizer_ bought a lot of hardware from this planet’s manufacturers. Hux was familiar with it.  

They’d landed on the outskirts, about a mile outside of town and walked in.

Hux tagged along as Ren wound through the open-air hardware, parts and scrap metal market, inspecting every piece carefully before bartering with the wholesaler to settle on a final price. He had his notebook of sketches and notes with him, which he guarded carefully, and was being very particular about which pieces he needed, which he already had, what they were made from, where the metal’s fragments had originated from, how much heat the metal could withstand, so forth and so on. Hux was a particular person himself, but this seemed over the top, even for him. Ren also refused to buy more than two parts from the same vendor.

Hux wanted to ask a lot of questions, but he resisted. Ren put all of his purchased parts in a bag he’d brought along and they shopped until Ren had checked off all the items on his list, and then they decided to have lunch at a local watering hole.

They settled into one of the dark corners of what looked like a basement cellar, ordered two glasses of rye whiskey, neat and inspected the menu. Hux examined the limited offerings -- but mostly he looked at Ren. It had been a long time since he did anything like this. Shopping, browsing, eating a meal at the watering hole, ordering drinks. Ren looked so ordinary sitting here in a dark watering hole, his hair pulled up in a bun, squinting to read despite the darkness. Hux liked it.

“I like it too,” Ren said. Hux looked at him sharply.

“I know what you’re thinking most of the time,” Ren admitted, looking up at him now. Their eyes met.

“You’re always reading my mind?” Hux felt invaded. Violated, even.

“Not really,” Ren said, “I’m just attuned to your thoughts.”

“Are you attuned to everyone’s thoughts?”

“No. Just some people. People that I like, or people that I spend a lot of time with.”

Their drinks were dropped off. Ren took a sip.

“And I like your thoughts. About me. Most people’s thoughts about me are hateful and coarse, so I’ve grown used to it and accepted it. But it’s nice to feel your thoughts.”

 _It’s nice to feel your thoughts._ Something only Ren would say.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to intrude though. I can stop.”

Hux sipped his whiskey.

“It’s ok,” Hux said, “I don’t mind.”

///

When they got back from their shopping trip, Ren and Hux had stopped by Hux’s quarters to pack up a few of his things. Hux pulled down a suitcase from a shelf in his closet and began carefully folding some clothes and laying others out on his bed to be put in garment bags.

Ren poked around. The place was immaculate. Everything had it’s own space and it’s own place. There didn’t seem to be a speck of dust anywhere. The bed was neatly made, the closet was arranged perfectly and the bathroom was pristine. There was no sign of disorder anywhere.

“Ren?” Hux called out as he pressed a few jackets neatly into a garment bag.

“Yeah?” Ren wandered back into the bedroom.

“How did you get such a large unit?” Hux asked, “A penthouse?”

Ren chuckled.

“What?” Hux asked.

Ren sat down on the edge of Hux’s bed.

“Promise not to tell anyone?”

“I promise,” Hux said with a nod.

“I gave the construction operations manager a blow job.”

_“What?”_

Ren nodded.

“I’d forgotten about it,” he said, “But ,yeah. There are only four penthouses and they were supposed to be reserved for high-profile guests or whatever, but I saw the floor plan and told him that if he gave me one of the penthouses, I’d give him a blowjob.”

Hux stared.

“You’re serious?”

Ren nodded.

“Did he know it was you? Did he know you were Kylo Ren?”

Ren nodded.

"And you didn't think he'd tell anyone?" Hux asked. 

"That he gave up a penthouse suite for one blowjob?"

Hux moved to the bathroom to collect his things there.

"Also I threatened to slowly choke him to death if he told anyone," Ren added. 

“Couldn’t you have just used your Force or whatever to get the penthouse.”

“Well, yeah,” Ren said, “But that’s no fun.”

_No fun?_

“You call giving blow job jobs fun?” Hux asked.

“Yeah,” Ren said with a shrug, “You don’t like giving blow jobs?”

Hux laughed. _Ren likes giving blow jobs._

“Not particularly. I like _getting_ them.”

Hux zipped his suitcase. He’d gone from hating Kylo Ren to now, in his own private quarters, talking with him about giving and getting oral sex while he packed his bags to _stay_ with Ren. He had a moment of panic. _What was he doing? Why was he doing this?_

Ren sensed the tension.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“What are we doing, Ren?”

“What?”

“Why am I taking my personal belongings to your unit?”

Ren looked at Hux now, his eyes big. He stood up.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I thought you wanted to?”

“I did want to, which is completely irrational.”

Ren shrugged.

“I thought we--”

“You convinced me to shirk my duties for a day -- in the days when the First Order needs its leader readily available at all times, lie on official First Order records by marking a _shopping trip_ as classified, commandeer a transport ship -- which you then let me pilot, wander around as a civilian and now you’ve convinced me to move in with you.”

“I didn't convince you to _move in_ with me. _You_ asked _me_ if you could leave a few things there and I said yes,” Ren responded, “You also were the one who offered to “hang out” with me. I never even wanted this, Hux.”

“Well I made a mistake, Ren,” Hux said after a period of silence, “I can’t do this. I’m staying here.”

_/// Present_

Poe laid in his bed and watched Ren sleep next to him. He watched Ren’s chest and rise and fall, pulling the covers up a little higher to keep him warm. He eased out of bed a few minutes later, lightly kissing Ren’s forehead as he did and slid on his underwear.

Since their talk two weeks earlier, in which Ren had declared his love for Poe, they’d spent most of their time together. Ren slept at his place most nights and they were together whenever Poe wasn’t at work --  and Ren was starting work at the base the next day.

Poe had too much on his mind to sleep. He went out to the kitchen and put on water for tea. He leaned against the countertop and his mind drifted back to Ren. Poe spent most of his time thinking about Ren. Originally, Poe had offered to take things slow for Ren’s sake, but now he felt like things were moving too fast even for him. In the two weeks they’d “officially” been together, Ren had been sleeping better, his visions of Snoke decreasing with the more time he spent around Poe.

Rey and Ren hung out from time to time, working on droids or engines, and she’d told him that Ren was more peaceful. Poe was lost in his thoughts when the tea sounded its alarm.

_Shit._

He’d meant to take it off before it whistled so he wouldn’t wake Ren. He removed it from the heat now and poured some water over his tea. He sat on a stool at the countertop and waited for his tea to steep.

“Babe?” Poe turned to see Ren in the kitchen doorway. Poe sighed.

“Hi, Baby,” he said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s ok,” Ren said, “Are you ok?

“Yeah, I’m ok, baby. Do you want tea?”

Ren shook his head and came over now and Poe turned on the stool so Ren could sit on his lap. Ren sat and put an arm around Poe’s back and they kissed.

“You’re worried about my first day at the base,” Ren said softly. Poe kissed his jaw.

“I’m not _worried_. I just want you to be happy there,” Poe said.

“I will be,” Ren said, “I’ll have you and my mom and Rey. And everyone else will get used to it.”

Poe sipped his tea.

“And you’re worried that things are moving too fast? With us?” Ren asked.

Poe sighed. Ren was always in his head.

“It’s not that, baby,” Poe said and kissed Ren’s jaw again, “It’s not that I’m worried things are moving too fast. It’s just that I’ve never really had a serious relationship. And I thought I’d been in love before, but now that you’re in my life, I’m realizing I truly haven’t ever been in love before. And it’s scary.”

Ren nodded. “Being in love _is_ scary.”

They were silent for a few minutes.

“Babe?” Poe asked.

“Yeah.”

“Something’s been bothering me.”

“Yeah?”

“Who was your ex? You said he’s gone forever, but that you’re still in love with him? And it hurts?”

Ren nodded.

“I figured you might ask that soon,” Ren said softly.

“Yeah?

Ren nodded.

“Who is he?”

Ren looked at Poe.

“It’s General Hux.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a busy few days ahead, so I may not be able to update for a while, but I'll definitely have the next chapter for you all at some point this week! Thanks for reading and commenting! And if you haven't already - go watch every Domhnall Gleeson interview that exists on YouTube. He's adorable. I can't. I may have ever so slightly altered my plans for this story based on how much he's growing on me.


	13. Where is he Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 13 SUMMARY: Ren starts work at the base, the crew is awkward about Kylo Ren working there, but they do their best to welcome him. Poe and Ren discuss Ren's previous relationship with Hux. Flashback: Ren and Hux immediately miss each other in just the one day following their first argument. They make up and Hux brings his stuff to Ren’s place. They share their first real kiss.

/// CHAPTER 13

 

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Ren laid awake in his bed on the _Finalizer_ by himself for the first time in over a week. He stared up at the ceiling for a while, then he rolled over. He was met by cold sheets and disappointing emptiness where Hux’s body was supposed to be. Ren let out an angry sigh. He wasn’t supposed to _miss people_. He’d told Hux he didn’t want or need friends, but he’d ultimately given in to Hux’s requests, and how here he was, unable to sleep because he _missed_ someone. He got out of bed, motioning for the lights and went to the closet to find an extra blanket to keep warm. He found one, got back into bed, snuggled under the blankets by himself and held the pillow Hux had used close to his chest.

///

Hux turned another page of his book. He couldn’t sleep, so he’d gotten up to read the military strategy book he’d just started, but remembered he’d left it at Ren’s place. He’d had to read Tarkin’s biography instead. He tried to ignore the fact that his bed felt cold and empty. He hated how much he missed his Ren.

_My Ren?_

Hux scoffed at himself. Here he was, the most powerful general in the galaxy and he couldn’t sleep without Ren next to him. He was already missing the feeling of Ren’s long arms around his body, his soft hair tickling his nose when they finally drifted off to sleep. He focused on his book and blocked out those thoughts. He refused to admit that he missed Ren.

_/// Present_

Ren was settling into his new workspace at the base. He’d undergone a skills assessment prior to being hired, just like they did for all the new hires, and Ren’s results had shown that his skills were on par with, if not exceeding, their best technicians. His assessment score had made him eligible for a senior tech position, but Ren had been a bit embarrassed about it and hadn’t wanted to upset the balance of power, so he’d just accepted a mid-level position with a standard workspace.

He sat nervously at his workbench, chewing on his lip and looking around the space. Rey had dropped off a few of Ren’s favorite snacks for him munch on throughout the day and decorated his workbench with a few personal photos (old and new) of him with family -- and a recent one with Poe. He looked at his favorite photo of himself and Han -- it had been taken when Ren was about 4 or 5, small enough to still sit on his dad’s shoulders. He was smiling from ear to ear, his small hands in his dad’s hair, laughing about something and looking down, with Han looking right back up at him, smiling. Ren looked away.

Arriving at the base that morning for the first time had been nerve-racking -- he’d felt all eyes in the hangar following his every move. Even with the formal announcement Leia had made in anticipation of his arrival, people had still been anxious to witness _The Return of Kylo Ren._ He’d come in to meet the other technicians before his first day, but he hadn’t yet met the whole hangar crew and he hadn’t come close to meeting the entire base staff.

“Babe?” It was Poe. _God_ was Ren glad to see him. It had only been a few hours since Poe had finished taking Ren on the official tour of the base, but once Poe was gone, Ren had felt a little lost without him there by his side. Rey sensed that Ren was lonely, and had come in to give him a hug. Her workspace was just two doors down. He’d been glad to see her, to feel a familiar pair of arms hugging him close. Ren stood up now and Poe met him with a hug and a kiss. He held Poe close.

“You ok?” Poe asked. Ren nodded, meeting Poe’s gaze.  

They hadn’t yet a chance to talk more about the fact that Hux was the ex Ren was still in love with. Ren had begun to try to explain the whole situation to Poe, but it was late and Poe’s mind was already stewing on other things. They’d put a pin it and Poe had just kissed Ren’s to nose and taken him back to bed.

“Are you ready for lunch?”

“I don’t think I can do it.”

The crew had a special lunch planned for Ren’s first day -- they usually had a big lunch to welcome new hires.

“It’ll be fine, baby,” Poe said, reaching up to kiss Ren’s forehead.

Besides Leia, Rey and Finn, no one at the base knew that Poe and Ren were together. They’d decided to keep that quiet for now.

Ren nodded and Poe tucked some hair behind his ear.

“I’ll be there next to you the whole time.”

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux and Ren were exceptionally cold with each other the morning after their argument -- the morning after the first night they’d spent separate in a while.

They were short with each other in their meeting with Snoke and they’d bickered all day on the command bridge about everything there was possibly to bicker about. _I told you not to authorize the recon mission to the outer reaches. I don’t see why we can’t just send the third division of stormtroopers instead of the second and fifth. We can’t deploy another Star Destroyer until the one from last week returns with our hostages._

The day had been long and tedious and Hux was relieved when Ren finally stalked away to go meditate for the rest of the day. Hux had stayed around for another hour or so to talk with the lieutenants without Ren there to butt in, then he retired to his quarters too.

He undressed when he got back to his quarters and looked around.

_What now?_

After leaving the command center bridge for the day, Ren and Hux had gotten into the habit of having a glass of whiskey then ordering dinner. So, Hux poured himself a whiskey and ordered dinner, then sat. It was too quiet. Ren was usually fidgeting or muttering to himself while he sipped his whiskey and worked on his lightsaber sketches or read a book until dinner arrived. Hux rolled his eyes at Ren’s ridiculous dinner plates of lentils, tempeh and sweet potatoes.

_Doesn’t eat animal products. What a dimwit._

Hux looked around, trying to remember what it was he’d done before he had Ren to take care of every day -- and before he had then willingly spent time with Ren.

His comm buzzed. Ren.

_Come drink whiskey with me?_

///

Hux had resigned to his fate of needing to see Ren and had finished the rest of his whiskey quickly before going up to Ren’s place. Hux put in the code and let himself in. Ren was seated at his countertop, a glass of whiskey and light saber parts everywhere.

“Ren,” Hux said when he entered. Apparently that was his greeting. He crossed the room and got a glass down from Ren’s cabinet.

“I hate that you did this to me,” Ren said.

“Did what to you?” Hux asked defiantly as he poured himself a whiskey.

“Made me miss people,” Ren said, “I didn’t even want friends. This was your idea.”

Hux sat down next to Ren and rolled his eyes. He sipped his whiskey and looked at Ren’s work. He was now making a more detailed sketch on several layers of translucent tracing paper.

“What’s this?” Hux asked sharply, “Your final sketch?”

Ren nodded.

Hux didn’t want to admit it, but it looked terribly complicated. Hux possessed a lot of skills, but wouldn’t know where to begin with building a lightsaber.

“Where’d you learn to build a lightsaber anyways?” Hux asked, trying his best to show skepticism.

“Luke Skywalker,” Ren said.

_Of course he’d learned to build a lightsaber from Luke Skywalker._

Ren sighed.

“Why’d you come here if you’re just going to be mean to me?”

“No one’s being mean to you, Ren.”

“You are too,” Ren muttered.

Hux examined Ren.

“Have you ordered dinner?” Hux asked.

Ren shook his head.

“Well I did. I’m going to have mine rerouted here. Do you want me to order you something?”

“Lentils and tempeh” Ren said, flipping through his sketches, “And sweet potatoes.”

_/// Present_

Ren had been so nervous at the lunch that he was certain the whole hangar crew could see him sweating as he pushed food around his plate and tried to make conversation. Rey had tried to get into his head, telling him to relax, or telling him embarrassing secrets about Poe, or telling him awful jokes.

Despite her efforts, lunch conversation had been awkward. No one had wanted to bring up the elephant in the room -- that _KYLO REN_ had reappeared from the void and was now a technician at the New Republic base and that every force sensitive person in the room still got unpleasant vibes from him.

Instead, they’d talked about the unseasonably warm weather, about new X-Wing operating systems, about the new patch available for BB units. Ren was relieved when lunch was over and he could go back to his workspace. His first repair tickets were in and he used his New Republic standard issue datapad to set up intake appointments for the repairs.

Ren punched in the intake information and tried to focus his thoughts anywhere that wasn’t on Hux. Ever since mentioning to Poe that Hux was the ex he was still in love with, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. He was looking forward to talking to his mind-cooling therapist so she could help him learn to eventually forget Hux forever.

_/// Four Years Earlier_

They’d had dinner in the living room since Ren’s countertop was now a workbench. They sat next to each other on the living room floor and ate their dinner mostly in silence. Once they were done, they stacked the plates on Ren’s table and Ren’s fingers found Hux’s.

“What are you doing?” Hux asked.

“Oh, stop it,” Ren said, “I know you’ve missed me.”

“I haven’t,” Hux said, “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just been a day.”

Ren squeezed Hux’s fingers, rubbing Hux’s thumb with his.

“Well I missed you,” he said.

They were silent for a few moments.

“Why did you get upset with me?” Ren asked

“I wasn’t upset with you,” Hux said, “I realized that I was developing feelings for another human and it was making me behave in a way that I normally wouldn’t -- and I panicked.”

“But this whole friendship was your idea.”

“I know. But it’s all going terribly fast and I hadn’t expected that I’d like you so much and it’s terrifying.”

“Well I’m afraid too,” Ren said softly.

///

Hux and Ren had gone back down to Hux’s quarters to get the stuff he’d packed the day before and then taken it all up to Ren’s place to get him settled in. Hux spent some time organizing Ren’s disaster of a closet, trying to decipher one layer of black from the next, while Ren laid across his bed and played a game on his datapad. Hux was calling out questions: _Does your hood get folded or do you hang it up? Do you have a drawer designated for your gloves already? Do you not wear any socks? How many pairs of gloves do you own anyways? Is there anything in here that isn’t black?_

Once Hux had brought some order to the existing items in Ren’s closet, he began bringing in his own items, hanging them carefully across from Ren’s and lining up his boots and hats on the shelves. Ren’s closet was a lot bigger than his. Hux was jealous.

“Did the blow job conversation weird you out?” Ren asked, not looking up from his game.

“What?” Hux asked, moving to the bathroom now. Every fibre in his body tensed and sent emergency distress signals to his brain as he surveyed the disaster. He’d been in there before, but he’d resolved to spend as little time in there as possible whenever he had to go. Now that’d he be getting dressed there, he needed to make serious improvements.

“You got weird after I told you that I gave the building coordinator a blow job to get this suite.”

Hux rolled his eyes.

“I really don’t care who you decide fellate.”

 _“Fellate?”_ Ren repeated, “No one says that, Hux.”

“Whatever,” Hux said, reappearing in the bedroom now, “Do you have any cleaning supplies here at all?”

Ren gave him a blank look that suggested he’d never owned or used cleaning supplies.

“Of course not,” Hux rolled his eyes and went back into the ensuite bathroom.

“I just thought maybe you were weirded out that I … like, gave a _guy_ a blow job?”

Hux went back out to the bedroom now. Ren had stopped playing his game and was sitting up near the edge of the bed with his legs crossed, but looking down uncertainly at his hands in his lap.

“Ren?” Hux said, “Look at me.”

Ren looked up.

“Of _course_ not. Why would that upset me?”

Ren shrugged.

“I didn’t know,” he said, “I mean, I know that we like being close to each other and sharing a bed or whatever but I wasn’t sure if that was just because you felt sorry for me, or ...”

Hux crossed the room now, going over to the bed. Ren looked up at him. Hux bent over and placed a kiss on Ren’s forehead, a long kiss, his fingers coming up to caress Ren’s hair. Once he stopped, Ren was still looking up at him. Hux examined him. His beautiful dark eyes, his tiny moles, the ridges of his nose, his soft pink lips. He kissed Ren’s nose, then kissed Ren’s lips, a quick kiss, but still close and unquestionably intimate.

“How’s that?” Hux asked and he was fairly certain that Ren’s cheeks were red.

Ren nodded. “That’s nice,” he said.

/// Present

Ren and Poe sat quietly at dinner, munching on their food with silence filling most of the space. Rey, Finn and a few others from the hangar crew had invited them out for drinks, but Ren’s first day had felt like a long one and all they’d wanted to do was go home and be alone together. They’d talked a bit about the day at the base, but the conversation that loomed over their heads was the one about Hux.

“How long were you with him?” Poe finally asked, “With Hux?”

Ren sipped his wine. He shrugged.

“It’s hard to tell,” he said. “We didn’t really … ever officially decide to be together. It just happened. And even then, it was sort of on and off… sometimes.”

“Ok,” Poe said, an edge to his voice, “But that doesn’t really answer the question. Was it six months? Was it six years?”

“Why does it matter how long it was?”

“Babe,” Poe said.

Ren sighed.

“It was about four years.”

“Where you married or engaged or anything?” Poe asked.

Ren shook his head.

“He really wasn’t even … we never even used the word boyfriend.”

“But he _was_ your boyfriend?”

“Yeah. He was my boyfriend,” Ren said with a shrug, “We lived together. We shared everything with each other. We loved each other.”

Poe sipped his wine.

“How did it end? Where is he now?”

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Hux traced around the outline of the bruises forming on Ren’s back in the dim light of their bedroom. Since their first kiss, the barriers between Ren and Hux fell one by one. Somewhere over the course of the last six weeks or so, Ren’s bedroom had turned into _their_ bedroom. Ren’s bed had turned into _their_ bed. Ren’s shower had turned into _their_ shower. Hux had brought even more of his stuff to Ren’s place and he hadn’t slept a single night back at his own quarters.

“Do these hurt?” Hux asked softly, looking at the bruises.

“No,” Ren murmured, “I’m ok.”

He always said that, but Hux didn’t really believe it. Ren was lying on his stomach, his head turned to face Hux, who was turned to face Ren, propped up on his arm with his head resting in his palm. It was late, but they were still up. They did this a lot lately, staying up late to talk and kiss and feel each other’s skin under their fingers.

“You’re so beautiful, Ren,” Hux said.

Ren chuckled.

“What?” Hux asked, “You don’t think so?”

Ren didn’t respond. Hux examined him.

“Your face is complicated and interesting,” Hux said tracing the moles on his face, “Like a star system. Or a constellation.”

Ren still didn’t respond.

“Your eyes are so expressive. Your smile is intoxicating. Your lips are so pink. So soft,” Hux gently ran a finger over Ren’s lips.

Ren kissed Hux’s finger. Their eyes met.

“Would you like to have sex with me?” Hux asked plainly.

“Yes,” Ren said.

“Splendid.”

“But I want to wait.”

Hux frowned.

“You want to wait? You mean longer than we already have?” Hux asked with a tired smirk.

Ren smirked too, rolling his eyes as he sat up now, kissing Hux on his way up. He sat back on his calves and scooted closer to Hux. Hux leaned down and kissed Ren’s thigh.

“Why do you want to wait?” Hux asked softly. 

“Because,” Ren said, running a hand through Hux’s messy hair, “It will be better when we finally do it.”

“Are you afraid it won’t be good?” Hux asked.

“No,” Ren said, “It would be good if we did it now. But if we wait...”

Hux smiled. Ren leaned down to kiss him and their lips met in a wet and passionate, but tired kiss. They’d had a long day, with Ren going off-ship for a mission early in the day, and then a late night for them both on the bridge. They’d just gotten back from the bridge an hour or so ago. They were both tired, but couldn’t stand to turn out the lights until they’d had a few waking moments to be alone together.  

Hux sat up now too, their lips barely breaking as they did. Hux sat back on his calves like Ren, one of his knees between Ren’s slightly parted thighs, and they kissed each other deeply. Hux loved the way Ren kissed him, passionate and dark - teasing, but forward. Hungry and longing, but patient and careful.

They kissed until they both knew they wanted more, and then Ren pulled back, smiling.

“I need to sleep now, Hux.”


	14. Safeword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 14 SUMMARY: Things are a bit rocky between Ren and Poe in the weeks after Poe learns that Hux is the ex Ren is still in love with. Flashback: Ren and Hux have sex for the first time and it’s wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NON-CON WARNING: This chapter includes a short scene of non-consensual sex. I didn't want to update the tags for the entire series since it's just a scene, but if you'd rather not read that part, just skip to the first flashback and you'll be good! You won't be lost as to what's going on -- there's a few bits of info later to help you piece it together!

/// CHAPTER 14

Ren looked up at Poe above him, trying to discern the look in his eyes. Ren was in Poe’s bed, lying on his back, his legs wrapped around Poe’s waist. Poe was fucking him hard and fast, which Ren normally liked -- but right now, on this night, he’d really just wanted Poe to hold him close and make love to him, slow and sweet with lots of gentle kisses and _I love you’s_ and intertwined fingers.

Ever since their talk about Hux a few weeks earlier, things had been a bit off between them. Ren sensed that Poe was jealous, but Poe denied it. They’d had a few disagreements, arguments and _flat-out_ fights over it -- raising their voices so loud that BB-8 would run for cover. But it was followed quickly by angry and consensual make-up sex -- also causing BB-8 to run for cover.

They’d had a fight tonight, just about an hour earlier. Once it was over and they’d had a few minutes to settle down, they’d crawled into bed together, with Poe placing gentle kisses along Ren’s neck and collarbone and jaw and apologizing profusely. The kisses had quickly escalated, and once Poe had gotten started fucking Ren, Ren had asked him to slow down and be a little more gentle. Poe ignored it. Instead, he rammed into Ren so hard his eyes watered. Ren had tried to make it a little less intense by backing away from Poe, but now his head was just colliding against the headboard with each thrust. He moaned a bit and tried to readjust, but Poe gripped his hips.

“Be still, baby,” Poe breathed.

“Poe,” Ren said.

“Ssshh,” Poe said, “What did I say, baby? I want you quiet.” Poe had earlier instructed Ren that he wanted him quiet.

Poe leaned over Ren, and their gazes met. Poe’s eyes were dark and intense -- determined, even. Poe continued fucking Ren hard. Too hard.

“Poe,” Ren murmured after a few more moments.

“Baby,” Poe said, his tone authoritative, cautioning and biting, “Quiet.”

Ren swallowed. Poe held either side of Ren’s waist, pushing Ren down onto his cock while he fucked Ren hard, fast and deep. Ren winced.

“Poe,” Ren said, “I can’t-”

Poe stopped quickly, pulling out of him and grabbing a fistful of Ren’s hair.

“You can’t keep quiet, baby?” Poe asked.

Ren whimpered and shut his eyes, the pain of Poe pulling his hair coursing through his entire body as he felt himself being turned over.

“Stay,” Poe said once he had Ren turned over, arms and legs spread out. Ren heard Poe retrieving the cuffs.

“Poe,” Ren said, starting to get up, “I don’t want to do this right now.”

“Is that right, baby?” Poe asked, returning with the cuffs and pushing Ren back down, putting a knee in his back to keep him there. He grabbed one of Ren’s wrists.

“Poe. I’m serious.”

“Quiet, baby,” Poe said, pushing Ren’s face down into the bedding and crawling over him to get to his other wrist.

“Poe. Stop it,” Ren said.

Poe pushed Ren’s face into the bedding again. “Baby, if you say one more-”

Poe’s tongue instantly caught in his mouth. His arms and limbs stood still. He couldn’t turn his head. He could only blink. He could barely breathe. The cuff Poe had latched now unlatched itself and Ren sat up. His eyes burned into Poe. Ren got up from the bed, pulling on his underwear, then his pants, then his shirt.

Poe was still held in place. His eyes followed Ren, trying to form words, but to no avail. He watched Ren leave the room and heard some shuffling noises that sounded like Ren putting on shoes, then he heard the door, then he heard Ren’s speeder bike, then his body finally released.

/// Four Years Earlier

Hux felt _intoxicated_ by Ren as they kissed. Ren’s mouth tasted so sweet and he kissed Ren like he couldn’t get enough of him. Hux was sitting on Ren’s kitchen countertop, Ren between his legs and their lips attached without coming up for air.

The last few weeks had been crazy. The Resistance had staged a remarkable series of attacks all over the galaxy, and as a result, Ren had been off-ship for weeks while Hux had been on the bridge around the clock. They hadn’t seen each other in almost three weeks and it had been awful.

When Ren had finally arrived back on board the _Finalizer_ , they’d had to debrief with the other lieutenants and colonels and advisors. Then they’d had a nearly two hour meeting with Snoke. They hadn’t had a single second alone to properly greet each other. Those few hours had been more painful and difficult than the past three weeks.

But, now, finally, they were alone. Hux had waited at his place for Ren and once Ren had finished a private meeting with Snoke, he’d rushed up to his quarters to find Hux seated on the countertop munching on wheat crisps and reading something on his datapad. When Hux saw Ren come through the door, he hadn’t even had time to get up before Ren was across the room and pulling him close. Without even greeting, their lips had met, Ren’s hands finding either side of Hux’s face and Hux’s long arms wrapping around Ren’s waist, pulling him close.

They kissed that way for longer than they could pinpoint, until the friction in their pants was too much to ignore.

“Hux,” Ren said, their lips pulling away, “I think now is a good time.”

Hux smiled into Ren’s lips.

Hux loved the feeling of Ren easily lifting him from the countertop, Hux’s legs wrapped around Ren’s waist, their lips still locked and Ren’s strong arms around Hux’s back. Ren walked them to the bedroom, kissing Hux the whole way, and barely motioning to turn the lights on to a dim setting in the bedroom.

He laid Hux out on his bed, his gaze intense and searching as he pulled off most of his layers as quickly as he could and then crawled on top of Hux to bend over and kiss him again. He parted their lips just long enough to pull Hux’s shirt over his head, then their lips met again before Ren moved down to Hux’s neck, sucking gently to taste him and then moving down to his chest and teasing his nipples with his fingertips before moving down to Hux’s pants.

He unbuckled and unzipped Hux’s pants pulling them off along with his underwear and tossing them aside. He got rid of Hux’s socks too, then took Hux in his mouth, slowly at first. He took Hux all the way to the back of his throat, loving the feeling of having Hux inside of him. He went down again, then released Hux from his mouth to rub his thumb over the slit, enjoying the precome that was left behind on his thumb. He licked it off, then took all of Hux in his mouth again.

Hux let out a moan now, his head falling back and eyes fluttering shut.

“Ren,” he murmured. He felt Ren hum some sort of response around his cock, then quicken his pace, so his head bobbed up and down and Hux couldn’t resist raising his head to watch. Ren looked beautiful, his dark hair falling around his face, with a hand to push it back every now and then so he could see Hux.

Hux felt it coursing and pulsing through his body. _No, not yet._

“Ren,” he murmured again. Ren stopped, sucking more precome from Hux before sitting back on his calves.

“I need you to fuck me,” Ren said plainly to Hux. Hux sat up, propped up on his elbows. _God_ did he want to fuck Ren.

He sat up all the way now, back on his calves too as he pulled Ren’s shirt off. He’d missed Ren’s lean, muscular torso, being sure to run his hands along Ren’s body as he made his way down to Ren’s pants. But, before he could get there, he realized Ren was _covered_ in bruises, cuts and fresh scars.

“Ren?” Hux said, his eyes growing wide.

“I’m ok,” Ren said, kissing Hux, “I’m ok. I promise.”

Hux took another look at his gorgeous Ren, covered in wounds left by the _loathsome_ resistance. Ren titled Hux’s chin up. Their eyes met.  

“I need you to fuck me,” Ren repeated.  

Hux nodded, then unfastened Ren’s pants, kissing a few of the big bruises as he did, then pulled Ren close, re-positioning them so Ren was on the bottom now. He pulled Ren’s pants off, along with his underwear and left a trail of kisses up to Ren’s lips.

“How do you like it, beautiful?” Hux asked, his eyes burning with lust for Ren.

“I want to look at you,” Ren said, reaching to his bedside drawer, “I want to see you.” Hux felt his cock twitch.

“And Hux?” Ren asked as he placed the tube in Hux’s fingers.

“Yes, Ren?”

“I want,” Ren said, then paused, “I really want you to be gentle with me. If that’s ok?”

Ren seemed embarrassed at asking for Hux to be gentle with him, but Hux just smiled at his beautiful dark-haired Ren, lying naked in their bed, lust in his eyes and asking to be fucked gently.

“Of course,” Hux said, bending over to kiss Ren, “Anything you want, beautiful.”

Hux gently worked one lubed finger into Ren and felt Ren gasp a bit.

“Is that ok, Ren?” Hux asked, worried that he’d hurt Ren.

Ren smiled.

“Yes, I’m ok,” Ren said. Hux smiled now too, bending over and placing a sweet kiss on Ren’s belly button.

“You’re so beautiful,” Hux said as he fucked Ren with one finger. He gently added another finger and looked into Ren’s eyes to make sure it was ok. Ren gave him a nod, then a smile. Hux smiled too, kissing Ren’s tummy again. He couldn’t resist.

He fucked Ren with two fingers for a bit longer, before adding a third. Ren gasped and Hux again made eye contact to make sure his gorgeous Ren was ok. Ren nodded and Hux fucked him now with three fingers. He loved the feeling of Ren around him, warm and tight.

“Is that good, Ren?” Hux asked. Ren nodded, relaxing into Hux’s touch, his eyes fluttering shut. They were in no hurry at all. They had all the time in the world and Hux enjoyed the feeling of his fingers in Ren, feeling Ren relax more and more until he could easily fuck Ren with his fingers.

“Are you ready for me?” Hux asked in a soft voice a few minutes later. Ren smiled up at him.

“Please,” he said. Hux removed his fingers slowly, kissing Ren’s tummy several times while he lubed his cock. Ren moved his hips downward toward Hux in anticipation and Hux smiled at Ren, so eager and hard and flushed and _naked_.

“I love you this way,” Hux said. Ren smiled up at him, his dark lashes blinking against his skin. Hux used his hands to brace himself on either side of Ren’s body, fists into the mattress, as he gently pushed into Ren.

Ren was relaxed and comfortable and the feeling of Hux going into him was _perfect_. Hux searched Ren’s eyes for approval and Ren gave it. Hux pulled completely out and went completely in several times before quickening the pace just a bit. He and eyes Ren’s were locked and Hux fucked him gently, making love to his gorgeous Ren while Ren moaned underneath him, his cock standing at attention and begging to be touched. Hux was going easy enough that he didn’t need two hands to brace himself and he so he used the other to stroke Ren. Ren’s eyes had fluttered closed, but he gasped now at the touch and his eyes shot open. Their eyes met again and Hux kept fucking Ren at an easy pace, each thrust making contact with Ren in just the right spot so Ren’s eyelids would flutter.

“How is that, Ren?” Hux asked “Is that ok,”

“Yes,” Ren said with a moan. Hux bent over, releasing Ren’s cock for the moment and Ren’s back arching so that Hux could still fuck him while he bent over to kiss him. Their lips met in a wet, but sweet kiss.

“I missed you so much,” Hux whispered, his eyes locked with Ren’s.

“I missed you too,” Ren said. They kissed again and Hux gently lifted back up, holding the underside of Ren’s knees and making sure that each thrust hit home. He stroked Ren again, in time with his thrusts.

“Can I come inside you, Ren?” Hux asked.

“Please,” Ren said with a nod.

“And you’re going to come for me?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded. They made eye contact as Hux came inside of Ren, and then Ren came on his own stomach. Hux loved the look of Ren’s come in little spurts on his own tummy. He gently pulled out of Ren and then bent over to carefully lick all of the come off Ren’s stomach, slowly, so he could taste it. He placed little kisses on Ren’s tummy where the come used to be.

“You taste so good,” Hux said as he laid down now next to Ren and draped an arm over Ren’s torso, the other tucked beneath his head. Their breathing returned to normal and their bodies cooled off, so Hux reached for the blankets, pulling them up around their chests and kissing Ren’s jaw.

“Thank you,” Ren said, kissing Hux’s nose, “That was perfect.”

Hux smiled, his steely blue eyes warmer than Ren had ever seen. “You’re welcome, Ren.”

/// Present

The house was dark when Ren got home and he was grateful for that. He knew that his mom usually went to bed early, because she liked to wake up early. Ren went straight to his room and flipped on the lamp. He hadn’t slept in his own bed in a while. He undressed and went to his bathroom, turning on the shower, letting it warm up and then standing under it to wash the smell of Poe off of him. He stood under the hot spray until he felt cleansed of Poe, then got out, pulling on underwear, drying his hair quickly with a towel and then curling up into bed. He rolled over and curled into the fetal position.

He’d been _furious_ with Poe when he’d put him in a lock. More angry than he’d felt in a long time. He’d briefly considered slamming Poe into the wall hard enough to break a few ribs, but his mind-cooling therapist had taught him to better weigh-out the consequences of his choices before acting on his impulses. Plus, Ren realized, once he was asking Poe to stop, that they had been so busy fucking each other over the last few weeks that they hadn’t even bothered to establish a safeword.

He’d been blind with anger, but, now that he was home, safe, warm and curled up with the blanket his mom had knitted him when he’d first come back home, his anger subsided into crippling sadness. He thought about Hux. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Hux. He’d been thinking a lot about how much he’d loved the first time he’d had sex with Hux. He was bruised and hurting from weeks of demanding missions, and asked Hux to fuck him gently -- and Hux had. Fucking him at just the right pace, with plenty of eye contact and kisses and sweet words. Hux always knew when to fuck him hard and went to make love to him -- even without Ren having to ask -- even without the bruises there to help inform the decision.

Poe always just fucked Ren _so hard._ Even their very first time was hard, fast and rough. Ren loved fast, hard, pounding sex, but sometimes he just wanted his lover to hold his fingers and make love to him.

Ren felt a lump growing in his throat as he thought about how much he missed Hux’s touch, his sometimes biting words, but his always sweet kisses. He missed the way Hux’s red hair was messy when they’d wake up together in the mornings and how he’d let Ren run his fingers through it before they got out of bed -- and before Hux would comb it into submission with plenty of gel. He missed the way Hux would mutter possessive pet names like _my sweet Ren_ or _my lovely Ren_ while he stroked Ren’s hair to help him fall asleep when he had a lot on his mind. He even missed being called _Ren_ \-- hearing Hux’s voice say his name _. Ren._ Everyone called him Ben, including Poe.

Ren did something he hadn’t done in longer than he could remember. He cried. A sob wracked his body and he was terribly embarrassed, holding in the one that threatened to come next. He wanted Hux there to hold him _so badly._ Of all the things in the entire galaxy, all he wanted was to feel Hux’s arms wrap around him and hold him and refuse to let go until the pain stopped. Ren sobbed softly, trying as hard as he could to minimize the vocalizations of each.

“Ben?”

Ren felt a hand on his shoulder. His mother was there.

“Ben?” she said, her eyes big, voice laden with worry. She’d found Ren in many states over the last year -- angry, scared, distressed, even passed out unconscious -- but she hadn’t found him crying.

Ben curled into her touch. It was so warm.

“What’s happened? Are you ok?” Leia sat on the edge of his bed, eyes wide, and bent over to kiss his hair.

“Mom,” Ren said gently, followed only by silence. After a few moments, Leia felt the words he didn’t say. She knew he’d had a fight with Poe. She didn’t know the details, but she knew enough.

_Ben is hurting._

Leia kissed Ren’s hair again.

“Ben,” she murmured, her eyes shut.

“Mom,” Ren said, “Please don’t leave me.”


	15. Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 15 SUMMARY: Poe has to deal with the ramifications of his actions. Ren misses Hux and decides to try to find him. Flashback: The First Order is seriously struggling and Hux feels the brunt of it - Ren helps take his pain away.

/// CHAPTER 15

Ren didn’t show up at the base the next morning -- not that Poe expected he would. Ren had had a few repair intake appointments scheduled -- which he’d missed, along with a few finished repairs to drop off. Poe delivered the repairs that were done and did his best to reschedule the intake appointments -- there were a lot of them. Ren had only been there for a few weeks, but he was already the technician everyone went to as their first choice. Ren had started to make a few new acquaintances -- mostly the other droid techs and a few guys from Poe’s squadron -- but Ren was still shy about talking to people and hated when he and Poe couldn’t be together during the day.

Poe felt his gut wrench when he thought about the way Ren would cling to him when they’d hugged and kissed goodbye in the mornings before parting ways for the day at the base. Ren would hang onto Poe’s fingers as long as he could as they backed away from each other, with Poe always placing one last kiss on Ren’s knuckles.

Poe’s days were busy from start to finish with new pilot training. He checked in on Ren when he could, but they usually didn’t get to see each other until they went home in the early evening.

Poe delivered Ren’s last repair, again answering the question, _“Where’s Ben today?”_

Poe had forced a smile with each drop-off, just saying, “Oh, Ben isn’t feeling well. He won’t be in today.”

_“Or ever again probably.”_

Poe felt a sour taste in his mouth when he remembered the way he’d put his knee in Ren’s back, something they usually did when Poe tied Ren up, but _not_ something they did when Ren clearly didn’t want it. They hadn’t established a safeword of any kind, but Poe _should’ve known_. He knew how _his lovely Ren_ usually behaved when he was being tied up. He hated himself for not paying more attention to Ren’s signals. His jaw clenched at hearing Ren’s voice in his head again, asking him to stop.

Poe sat alone in his workspace when he got back, trying to reschedule Ren’s appointments and hating himself more with each passing moment, as the realization and gravity of what he’d done sunk in. Even BB-8 was upset with him, avoiding him the whole morning and rolling away to see Rey as soon as they got to the base. Rey hadn’t stopped in to see him with tea like she did every morning, so he suspected that Rey knew too.

Poe hadn’t slept a wink the night before, but he was wide awake a few minutes later when General Organa appeared at the door of his workspace. Poe sat up a bit, his back straightening.

“General Orga-”

“My office. Now.”

///

Ren hadn’t wanted to stay at home alone all day and stew on his feelings, so he went into work later in the morning, when he knew most people would be settled in and he wouldn’t have to make conversation. He made it to his workspace without running into anyone and was relieved to get to his bench and start working on a repair to keep his mind busy.

He saw that someone had dropped off his finished repairs. When he logged into his datapad, he also saw that someone had moved his intake appointments back a day or two. Ren pursed his lips.

_Had to be mom._

His mother had stayed with him the entire night. He’d fallen asleep with his head in her lap, her fingers stroking his hair. They hadn’t talked about what was bothering him, but she understood enough.

Ren focused on his work, looking through his open repair tickets and turning on some music. He wanted to focus his mind solely on figuring out how the hell one of the pilots had managed to accidentally erase its droid’s memory -- and how he could get the data back.

He dissected the droid’s memory bank, and tried to ignore the fact that he was missing Hux so much that it hurt him.

_Or maybe it’s Poe that’s hurting me._

Ren willed himself not to use anymore of his thoughts on Poe.

After working for an hour, to little avail, he took a break and pulled out his datapad. He hadn’t had any contact at all with Hux since they’d parted ways at the First Order’s final battle at Undu.

_No._

He didn’t want his mind to go there. To their final goodbye. He disassociated from the memory, like his mind-cooling therapist had taught him to do and he focused on the present. So he did just that, going back to the thought he’d had before the unpleasant memory.

_Ok, Hux probably got away from Undu alive. And now I’m going to find him._

He checked the Holoweb first, to see if there was any information or grand rumor circulating about General Hux’s whereabouts following the collapse of the First Order. He’d thought about looking up Hux’s location countless times before, but he hadn’t wanted to know.

He did now.

He searched and searched, but there was nothing. The only results were from when Hux was still associated with the First Order.

With the Holoweb search producing no results, Ren sighed and thought about how he could reconnect with Hux. Where would Hux possibly be? The planet Hux had grown up on, Pionia, had been part of the Republic, and had been destroyed -- by Hux’s own hands.  

_His comm?_

No, it couldn’t be that easy. When Ren had parted ways with the First Order, his comm had been deactivated, he wasn’t sure by who or what, but was sure Hux’s would’ve been deactivated too. Hux also had a personal comm with a different number - but he’d only used that one to send Ren inappropriate messages. He was sure the First Order Comm had been deactivated, but it was worth trying the other one. Ren could still remember both numbers.

Ren began typing a message to Hux on his tablet.

_Hux._

Ren chewed on his lip. He looked idly at the photos Rey had put up around his workspace as he thought about what to say to Hux. After thirty minutes, he settled on something simple.

_Hux. It’s me. Ren. Are you there?_

_/// Four Years Earlier_

Ren and Hux watched from the bridge as the Resistance pilots absolutely gave their specialized TIE fighters the run around. The First Order fleet was scrambled and desperate, while the Resistance pilots were coordinated, choreographed and cool under pressure.

“Fuck me,” Hux muttered under his breath as he watched the destruction.

“Was that directed towards me, General Hux?” Ren asked.

“Shut up, Ren,” Hux said, turning now and moving away from the window, barking orders at the crew that scurried through the bridge to try to salvage what was left of their fleet.

Ren still watched as the X-wing fighters moved swiftly and confidently through the space surrounding the _Finalizer._ Their cannons had been shot out - again - leaving them with little defense outside of the TIE fighters.

Ren shut his eyes behind his mask and searched for his mother. She was far away. She wasn’t here, surveying this.

He opened his eyes in time to see the remaining TIE fighters begin their retreat. Ren turned now too and moved away. His comm buzzed. So did Hux’s. Snoke was summoning them.

///

Hux and Ren, again, knelt before Snoke’s oversized hologram, their gazes stuck to the ground as Snoke, again, railed into them.

He blamed General Hux for a poorly trained fleet with a poorly planned defense strategy. Hux accepted full responsibility. Snoke blamed Ren for a failed mission two days prior, a mission that was supposed to destroy most of the X-Wing fighters in the first place. Ren accepted full responsibility.

They had nothing more to say for themselves. Furious, Snoke had disappeared, unable to look at them any longer. Once Snoke was gone, Hux rose and strode away. Ren followed slowly.

“General,” Ren said once they were out in the hall. Hux didn’t slow. Ren sped up to catch him.

“General. What happened today wasn’t your fault,” Ren said.

“Of course it was,” Hux said shortly.

“It wasn’t,” Ren said, “Had I been successful in my mission two days ago, today wouldn’t have happened.”

“What do you want, Ren? Hux asked, stopping in his tracks and turning to face Ren, “Do you want to sulk about missions failed. Because if so, you’ll have to do it alone. I have a ship to command.”

///

The rest of the day had been as disastrous as the first half. Their days had ended up this way more often than not lately. The Resistance had been steadily gaining momentum since the collapse of _Starkiller_ base, with many of the once neutral planets now aligning with the Resistance in the wake of the horrific actions of the First Order. 

The First Order was struggling to maintain control of the galaxy, especially given that many neutral planets had actively turned against them and they’d lost a good deal of their fleet and troopers at _Starkiller_.

Each day seemed worse than the last, but Ren and Hux still had each other.

After they left the bridge each night -- usually very late, they’d undress, then shower together to wash away the day, then have a whiskey. They’d sit as close as they could to each other, usually with Hux sitting on Ren’s lap and wrapping his arms around his neck.

Typically, they were able to push away the troubles of the day, at least for a little while, to enjoy time together, but on this night -- Ren could sense that Hux was too troubled to let it all go, even for a few hours.

Ren nuzzled his nose into Hux’s neck, and entered Hux’s mind, without Hux putting up a any fight whatsoever. Ren focused for a few moments. Then he knew. Hux was hurting. He was angry with himself. He felt like a failure. He still blamed himself for the entire collapse of _Starkiller_ base. He’d never admit it, but he was feeling guilt at having destroyed the Republic, at having ended billions of lives, at having destroyed his home planet, at having destroyed his own family still on Pionia.

He was _really_ hurting.

“Hux,” Ren said gently.

Hux didn’t respond, just curled into Ren’s lap.

“Hux,” Ren said again, “Here, let me.”

Hux looked at him, unsure. _Let you what?_

“I can help,” Ren said softly, kissing Hux’s jaw, “I can help take your pain away.”

Hux shook his head and tensed up a bit.

“Please?” Ren said, now nuzzling into Hux’s neck again. He felt Hux eventually relax back into his touch. Ren took that as a yes.

He shut his eyes and channeled all of his energy into entering Hux’s mind at its deepest level, into feeling what Hux was feeling. That took several minutes. Once he’d done that, he then channeled his energy to alleviating some of Hux’s pain by absorbing some of it. He couldn’t make the pain go away per se, but he could take on some of it so Hux wouldn’t have to bear it all alone.

The balance shifted and Ren felt the weight of Hux’s heart in his chest. He squeezed Hux. The pain was crippling - Ren was familiar with this pain, but not with Hux’s brand of this pain. When Ren felt the pain Hux was feeling, he lashed out at whatever was nearest - objects, people, himself. Hux didn’t. He simply internalized it. Letting it fester and grow until it seethed from his pores, forming a tight ball of sadness at his root.

Ren took in a breath. Hux’s pain was greater than he’d anticipated. He focused on Hux, instead of on the pain he felt from Hux. The balance shifted more and leveled out, with Ren absorbing all he could from Hux.

“Is that better?” Ren asked softly.

“It is,” Hux responded, surprised, “How did you -”

“Don’t worry about it, Hux,” Ren said, kissing Hux again, “Don’t worry about it.” 

_/// Present_

Poe stared at General Organa from across the desk. He was glad he’d left his jacket behind, because he was sweating bullets as Leia took her time opening file folders and shuffling papers.

_What was she doing?_

“When I asked you to spend time with my son to help him adjust to life in the present, I didn’t mean for you make his life in the present more painful than his past,” she finally said, a cold iciness in her tone that Poe had never heard.

Poe’s tongue caught in his mouth again, feeling every bit as paralyzed as he’d been with Ren the night before despite the fact that no one was actually keeping him still.

“Effective immediately, you’re being placed on administrative disciplinary leave without pay,” Leia said, now sliding the papers across the table to him, “The new pilots will be trained by Snap Wexley, who will also assume your position of squadron leader in the interim. Your squadron will report to Wexley as well.”

Poe managed a nod.

“Once the disciplinary board has ruled, we’ll let you know. Otherwise you are not to set foot on this base or its premises,” Leia said, staring him directly in the eyes, “Is that clear?”


	16. Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 16 SUMMARY: Ren learns about Poe's disciplinary leave and confronts Leia. Poe remembers the night before and the argument that led up to cuff incident. Flashback: A year into their relationship, Ren and Hux still haven't defined what exactly their relationship even is.

/// CHAPTER 16

Ren hadn’t walked with such purpose since he’d last occupied the halls of the _Finalizer._

When he’d first arrived at the base about an hour before, he’d been glad that he’d decided to go into work. He had plenty of tickets to keep his both his hands and his mind busy. His comm had buzzed about 45 minutes after he’d arrived. He’d frozen up but managed to check quickly to see if it was Hux.

It was Rey.

_BEN. Poe was placed on DISCIPLINARY LEAVE. Without pay...What the hell is going on?!?_

Ren rounded the corners quickly now, taking longer and longer strides the closer he got to his mom’s office. When he arrived, her assistant stood to greet him.

“Hi, Ben,” she said, “Can I--”

Ren barged past her, not even slowing down. The door to the office was closed, but Ren didn’t care. He threw it open. His voice rang out, yelling louder now than even when he’d been a commander in the First Order.

“Mom!”

_/// Three Years Earlier_

Ren and Hux laid naked on the bantha fur rug together in the middle of Ren’s living room. Their bodies were tangled together to keep warm, but even so, they were cooling off, with little bumps standing up on their skin. Hux reached for a blanket, but came short. Ren intervened, the blanket meeting Hux’s fingertips. Hux draped the blanket over them and they cuddled closely together.

“Floor sex. On a scale of one to ten?” Hux asked, “Was it as dreadful as you thought it’d be?”

Ren sighed. “Yes. My back hurts. Three.”

“A _three_? Jesus, Ren it wasn’t that bad.”

“You know what also isn’t that bad?” Ren said, kissing Hux’s jaw, “Our bed.”

Hux smiled into Ren’s kiss. Their fingers found each other under the blanket.

Things in the First Order had turned around considerably over the course of the last six months. Their retaliation strikes, as well as their offensive strikes, had produced favorable results. The Resistance was significantly crippled, and without the Republic, had little means by which to repair themselves.

Hux was pleased. Snoke was less coarse with them, hours on the bridge weren’t nearly as long and Ren didn’t have to leave so often for missions anymore. They had more time to be with each other, more time to cuddle, more time to talk, more time to fuck. They’d even started a 1,000 piece puzzle of the _Death Star_ that Hux had found in the _Finalizer’s_ ridiculous ‘gift shop’.

Ren snuggled closer to Hux under the blanket.

“It’s also cold down here,” Ren said, “There’s a draft.”

“It’s not _that_ cold, Ren.” Hux said.

“But do you know what’s warm? Our bed.”

Hux sighed.

“Alright then, Ren,” Hux said, “I’ll take you to bed if you’re going to continue whining.”

Hux turned to kiss Ren, then they stood up together, wrapping themselves in the blanket and going to the bedroom, Ren shutting off the living room lights as they went. They dropped the extra blanket snuggled into bed, their naked bodies finding each other in the darkness for warmth. Hux laid on his back, with Ren curled up into his side, an arm over his torso.

It was late, but Hux still switched on the Holoscreen to watch First Order news. Hux liked watching the success of the First Order, even after witnessing it all day on the bridge.

“Hux,” Ren murmured, “It’s late.”

“Just a few minutes,” Hux said.

Ren sighed and shifted his weight.

“Why are you so bony?”

“Hm?” Hux asked, not hearing Ren over his priority interest in the news.

“I said you’re bony,” Ren said, louder now as he turned over to use a pillow to shut out the sound and light of Hux’s self-satisfying news addiction.

Hux murmured something in response, but Ren couldn’t hear. Ren felt the warmth of the pillows, the noise slightly muted.

Nearly a year into this -- whatever it was -- and they still hadn’t really had a talk to define their relationship. It was fairly obvious, at least to Ren, that they were together -- but he wanted to hear it from Hux. It hadn’t ever mattered to Ren, titles -- or relationships at all really -- but now he wanted the satisfaction of knowing that Hux was his boyfriend. Or just “his” at all. It was frustrating that Hux, of all people, didn’t seem to mind their nebulous, undefined relationship that just meandered along, day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year without a clearly defined status attached to it.

Ren was close to sleep when he heard the Holoscreen switch off, then felt Hux’s cold bony arms around his waist and kiss to the back of his neck.

“Goodnight, Ren.”

_/// Present_

“Ben?” Leia, seated behind her desk, looked to him with wide eyes.

“ _Disciplinary leave_ ?” Ren’s eyes burned into her, “ _Without_ pay?”

“Ben,” Leia said sternly when she realized the purpose for his visit.

Ren looked now and realized there were three other officers in the room. He hadn’t even noticed them.

“I need to talk to you,” he said to his mom, “ _Now._ ”

Leia gave him a look, but excused the other officers, promising to reschedule. Ren watched as they left, rage burning in his eyes.

“ _Disciplinary leave?”_ Ren said again, teeth and jaw clenched to keep from yelling at her again.

“Poe hurt you,” Leia said.

“So you _fire_ him?”

“He hasn’t been fired.”

“He’s been laid off. Which is basically fired,” Ren said, “Mom, you _can’t_ do this. Not because you’re upset with him over something that happened with me. Did you even route this through the admin office for approval?”

“Poe violated the stipulations of the New Republic Code of Con-”

“And _Snap Wexley_ is going to train the pilots?”

“Wexley is a fine pilot.”

“Wexley is a fine pilot but he’s fucking terrible at training. And leading.”

Leia stiffened. Ren didn’t normally curse at her. “What Poe did to you was terrible,” she said.

“Ok, yeah, but that’s between me and Poe. Our private relationship has _nothing_ to do with this base.”

Leia said nothing. Ren continued.

“You’re willing to sacrifice the integrity of training for pilots who are charged with upholding peace in the _entire galaxy_ because I had a fight with my _boyfriend?”_

“Ben, it’s not just a fight--”

“Not to mention the fact that you’re treating Poe unfairly _purely_ because I’m involved, which, as a general, we both know that you’re not allowed to do.”

Ren felt the blood that rushed to his face. His ears were hot. His fists were clenched. He tried his best to keep his tone even and in-check.

“Do you even fully understand what happened?” he asked.

“He forced himself on you.”

Ren ran a hand over his face, realizing that his mother had taken ill-informed disciplinary action based on blurry images she’d gleaned from his mind -- and gleaned rather poorly at that.

“Mom, you’ve misunderstood,” Ren began.

“Ben, this isn’t a discussion,” Leia said, “What he did to you was awful. He’ll be punished accordingly and that’s all there is to it.”

“Mom!” Ren yelled. He’d tried hard not to yell, but it became too much for him to hold in. “What _he_ did was awful?”

Leia looked at him, raising her voice now too. “Yes! What he did was awful.”

“Is it any worse than _all the things_ I’ve done?” Ren yelled, “Mom, I’ve done things _much_ worse than Poe. I’ve _killed_ people. Hundreds, probably thousands of people. So many that I’ve lost track. Officers, soldiers, pilots, civilians, women, children. All the remaining Jedi.”

Ren paced the room, fists still clenched.

“Oh, also, not to mention: I killed my own father. I looked Dad _in his eyes_ while I killed him. I’ve also upset the balance of the entire galaxy _and_ I commanded the First Order, which killed people by the millions.”

Ren’s nostrils flared.

“But here I am. You forgave without me even having to ask for it. You risked your life at Undu to find me, to bring me home,” Ren clenched his jaw to keep his voice in check again, “Despite all the horrible, shitty, terrible things I’ve done you gave me a second chance. Everyone at this _entire_ base has given me a second chance, including Poe. _Especially_ Poe.”

Ren stopped pacing and looked directly at his mom now.

“Poe had no reason to befriend me, to love me, but he did. He gave me a second chance, because he’s a good person and because you asked him to. He’s given _so much_ to you, to me, to this entire base, to this cause, to the New Republic. And this is how you choose to punish him for making one non-work-related mistake?”

He sighed, willing the blood to stop rushing to his face. He took a few moments to collect himself, to bring his temper down, then went around his mom’s desk and knelt on one knee in front of her. His mind-cooling therapist had learned to help him calm down by breathing evenly, trying to think clearly, and taking a knee to humble himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, taking her hand, “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

Leia said nothing, but held Ren’s hand in her own.

“I know that you’re upset. I know you had to spend all night holding my head in your lap while I cried, feeling what I felt. I know that you can sense that I’m hurt. I know that you just want to protect me,” Ren said, “But you _can’t_ do this to Poe. What he did to me was wrong, but but he doesn’t deserve this, Mom.”

Ren kissed her hand and looked in her eyes. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he said again, “But you can’t do this to Poe.”

///

Ren went back home for the day and fell face-first into his bed. He’d left the base after the talk with his mom. She’d promised to reconsider Poe’s punishment.

Ren rolled onto his side and tried to think about Poe, to get a sense for how he was feeling. He wasn’t quite ready to talk to Poe himself yet, but wanted to know that Poe was ok. Before he’d left, he’d asked Rey to check on him and BB-8.

Ren shut his eyes, trying to find Poe’s feelings when he was interrupted by his comm buzzing. He figured it was Rey reporting in on Poe and BB-8’s post-disciplinary status. He opened one eye, peeking to check it, but not wanting to break his concentration.

Once he saw it, he opened both eyes. Concentration ruined. He sat upright, like a bolt.

_Hux: Kylo?? holy fuck. Yes, I’m here._

///

Poe sat on the floor of his hallway, his back against the wall and knees drawn up to his chest while Rey paced around him.

“I can’t believe you!” she yelled, “I _can’t believe_ you!”

Poe had his forearms crossed over his knees, his forehead resting on them, his gaze cast down to avoid meeting Rey’s eyes.

“He _loves_ you! He’s _in love_ with you. Do you know that? And you try to cuff him to your bed when he doesn’t want it?”

Poe offered no response. He heard BB-8 coming now.

“Are you crazy? Are you _completely_ mad?”

BB-8 joined her with chorus of angry beeps.

Rey picked up BB-8’s overnight bag: his cell recharge cords and a night antenna with a shorter range so he could rest without too much interruption.

“Come on BB-8,” she said. He beeped and rolled past Poe, over to Rey’s feet.

“And you’re not going to say _anything_?”

Poe looked up at her. His face drained with color, his eyes lacking their usual confidence. He said nothing.

She grunted with disgust and threw open the door. She motioned for BB-8 and he wheeled out, Rey following, slamming the door behind them as they left.

///

Leia stacked and clipped the new set of papers from the administrative and personnel office as she looked at the photo on her desk. It was of herself, Han and Ben, when Ben had been about 3 or 4 years old. They’d gone to the Jedi Family Day Festival, and Ben had a stuffed tauntaun to show for it. He gripped it’s neck proudly while Han held him between him and Leia. He’d kept the tauntaun until the stuffing had started to come out through a hole in the stitching on its leg. He’d pretended not to care. He was nine after all, and he’d insisted that stuffed animals and any such toys were for children. Leia had kept it anyways, patching up the leg and putting it in a box with the other childhood things he’d discarded: blankets, X-Wing toys, and Rebellion action figures. She longed for the days when Ben was still small enough that she and Han could hold him close - so close that nothing in the galaxy could hurt him.

Leia signed the last of the papers and used her comm to call Poe, but there was no answer. She asked her assistant to summon Poe Dameron and she put his new papers in a folder for delivery. She’d settled on the standard disciplinary action for off-base Code of Conduct violations and routed it through admin for approval: a three-day suspension, with pay, followed by a probationary period, during which Poe would simply have to report in with one of the base’s mind-cooling therapists once a week. The disciplinary board would meet to review and rule on the length of Poe’s probation.

Her desk comm buzzed.

“General Organa?”

“Yes?”

“Poe has already left.”

///

Ren’s stomach turned as he read the message again.

_Hux: Kylo?? holy fuck. Yes, I’m here._

He was pacing the kitchen, munching on juniper berries just to have _anything_ else to do than respond to Hux. He regretted ever having sent the message in the first place. His mind wandered back to Poe, he shut his eyes and tried to focus, but he heard the front door of the house open. Rey. And BB-8.

_Ben! Are you here?_

_Kitchen._

She came rushing in, BB-8 on her heels. She reached up to hug his neck.

“Are you ok? I can’t believe Poe. I can’t believe this. Are you ok?”

Ren sighed. “Yes,” he said, “I’m fine.”

“I feel awful. I knew you were upset last night, but I thought it was just Snoke,” she said, “I’m sorry. I should’ve come over.”

“I’m ok. I promise.”

BB-8 wheeled around Ren’s feet, beeping condolences.

“How is Poe? Is he ok? Why do you have BB-8?”

“Poe is sitting on his floor like an unresponsive log,” Rey said with a scoff, “BB-8 is staying with me tonight.”

Ren picked more juniper berries from the bowl, rolling them around in his palm. He imagined Poe sitting alone on the floor somewhere at home. He ignored that thought and tried to focus on the positive.

“Mom is adjusting his disciplinary paperwork,” Ren said, still rolling the berries in his palm.

“She is?”

“Yeah. What she did to him was _ridiculous_ ,” Ren said with a sigh, “What he did to me was wrong. But I’ve done far worse and everyone has forgiven me. Including my mom, including you, including Poe. He doesn’t deserve this for what he did.”

Rey thought about it, then relaxed her face. BB-8 beeped.

“I suppose you’re right,” she said, a bit deflated, “But I’m still upset with him.”

“I’m upset too,” Ren said with a shrug, “But it’s going to be ok.”

///

Poe hadn’t bothered to get up from the floor, not that he had any reason to. He lifted his head, his chin resting on his arms now and looked around him. Ren’s stuff was _everywhere_. Neither one of them were particularly neat and orderly, but when they came together, the result was near chaotic.

Ren had been eating a bag of crisps on the floor the night before while BB-8 projected a game of dejarik for them to play on a game board. Poe had been trying to clean up, starting by organizing the cabinets. Since Ren had more or less moved in with him, the cabinets and storage pantry had been bursting at the seams with the food Ren brought home. Poe thought back to the night before:

 

 

> “Do we need brown, red _and_ green lentils, babe?” Poe had called out to the living room, raising his voice enough to be heard over the clanking weaponry of their game.
> 
> “Yep!” Ren had responded simply.
> 
> “Why, babe?” Poe furrowed his brow as he inspected the sacks of lentils, each the size of bulk flour sacks, poking through them with his fingers.
> 
> “Different nutrients in each,” Ren responded.
> 
> “Ok, but do you have to buy like 20 pounds of each at a time?”
> 
> “It’s cheaper to buy in bulk,” Ren responded.
> 
> Poe had chuckled. “Are strapped for credits? Do we have mouths to feed? Kids that I don’t know about?”
> 
> “Oh yeah,” Ren said casually, “Sorry I forgot to mention: I gave birth to your twins and they’re living in the cellar.”

Poe dropped his head again, trying to push the rest of the memory from his mind, but he couldn’t.

 

 

> He’d found the sacks of dry beans next, then dozens of jars of sunflower seeds, wheat mash, bulgur grains, flour for buntu bread, and about 40 pounds of dried split green peas separated out into two burlap sacks. _Is my boyfriend a hoarder? Does he a have a hidden preoccupation with preparing for an imminent intergalactic doomsday?_ He’d considered checking the cellar for a few children hiding out, scraping the bottoms of bowls once filled with a tri-color blend of lentils. Poe had done his best to organize Ren’s hundreds of pounds of doomsday food, then he’d moved to their bedroom.
> 
> It had appeared that Ren didn’t know how to use hangers. His clothes were mostly piled in a chair. He’d simply dumped his underwear in a drawer with Poe’s so that they had to dig each morning, figuring out which pair belonged to who. He didn’t appear to own _any_ socks besides the wool pair he wore to keep his feet warm. Poe began pulling Ren’s clothes from the pile, one by one, attempting to put them on hangers and find space in his closet for Ren’s stuff. Poe couldn’t get over how _long_ Ren’s pants where. When he hung the pants up next to his own, the difference was comical, embarrassing even. He’d moved Ren’s pants to the other side of the closet to minimize the difference. He’d cleared out some space on the shelves for Ren’s shoes, coming across a pair of binder cuffs as he did. He’d smirked, pulling them down and tossing them to the bed. They’d use those later. He’d bought them at the base’s supply store when he’d gone to order new helmets for the pilots in training.
> 
> “Babe?” Poe called out, stepping out of the closet. He still heard the clanging weapons of their gamel. BB-8 usually beat Ren pretty quickly. They must’ve started a new round.
> 
> “Babe?” Poe called out again.
> 
> “Huh?” Ren responded.
> 
> “I found a pair of binder cuffs I bought few weeks ago, but forgot about. Do you want to try them tonight?”
> 
> “What?” Ren responded.
> 
> “Do you want to use these binder cuffs tonight?”
> 
> “You want me to make buntu bread?”
> 
> “Nevermind, baby,” Poe responded with a chuckle, “I’ll ask you later.”
> 
> “Huh?” Ren responded. More clanging weapons.
> 
> Poe chuckled.
> 
> “Nevermind!” Poe said louder.
> 
> Once Poe had finished with the closet, he’d moved to organize their dresser and bedside drawers. He’d cleaned up at least four empty bags of crisps. _Does Ren eat these in his sleep?_ He’d put all the trash in the bin and, feeling inspired by his productivity, decided to take it a step further and dust. He got a dust cloth and a cleaning spray he hadn’t used since the night Ren had first come over for dinner and worked on dusting all the hard surfaces. Ren’s long dark hairs were _all over the place._ But Poe didn’t mind. He smiled at the thought of how much he loved the feeling of Ren’s hair between his fingers, or how the strands tickled his nose and eyelashes when they woke up together in the mornings. If he had to clean up some of his boyfriend’s long, wiry hairs that stuck to _literally everything_ as a result _,_ then so be it.
> 
> He’d moved to Ren’s side of the bed, moving everything off the table to dust around it. Ren had brought over a picture of his parents, a special jar to hold the pendant he liked to wear and a _cactus._
> 
> “Baby?” Poe called out.
> 
> “Yeah?” Ren responded.
> 
> “What’s with the cactus?” Poe asked.
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “What’s with the cactus?” Pod said, louder this time.
> 
> “Oh, Hux gave it to me.”
> 
> _Hux gave it to him._
> 
> “What?” Poe had called out, staring at the cactus.
> 
> “Hux gave it to me,” Ren repeated.
> 
> “No,” Poe said, “I heard you.”
> 
> He went out to the living room. Ren and BB-8 had still been playing dejarik.
> 
> “Hux gave it to you?”
> 
> “Yeah,” Ren said with a shrug, not looking up from his game. He’d been stretched out on his stomach, inspecting their game board closely, but losing miserably, again. His fate was nearly sealed, but he could at least prolong the game and give BB-8 a chance to misstep if he was smart with his next two moves.
> 
> “Baby?”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “When did Hux give this to you?”
> 
> “When I was recovering after _Starkiller_. He was taking care of me. And he almost let me die. Then he felt guilty or something and brought me a cactus because he couldn’t find flowers.”
> 
> “Babe, can you look at me?”
> 
> Ren turned to Poe. BB-8 paused the game, sensing trouble.
> 
> “Why did you bring it here?”
> 
> “It’s a nice cactus. And you don’t have anything green.”
> 
> Poe’s eyes had met Ren’s. Then Ren realized. He was _jealous_. Ren had rolled his eyes and sighed.
> 
> “Babe,” Ren said sitting up now to face Poe, “It’s a _cactus_.”
> 
> “That your _ex_ gave to you.”
> 
> They’d fallen silent.
> 
> “Are you serious?”
> 
> “Yes, I’m serious.”
> 
> “You’re threatened by a cactus that was given to me by someone who’s on the other side of the galaxy?”
> 
> “Why did you bring it here?”
> 
> “I literally just answered that question, babe.”
> 
> Poe gave him a look.
> 
> “Well I don’t want it here, baby. Take it back to your mom’s.”
> 
> Ren stood now. BB-8 backed away.
> 
> “You’re being serious?” Ren said, “You’re this upset over a cactus?”
> 
> “I’m not upset, baby.”
> 
> “You are.”
> 
> “Well you’re in love with him, Ben,” Poe said. “I don’t want the cactus gift of a man you’re in love with in the room where we sleep.”
> 
> “The _cactus gift_ of a man I’m in love with? Do you hear yourself right now?” Ren said, “You’re overreacting. I’m not _in love_ with him.”
> 
> “So now you’re taking back what you told me earlier?”
> 
> “I’m in love with the _memory_ of him.”
> 
> “So now you’re modifying what you told me earlier?”
> 
> “I don’t want to do this right now, Poe.”
> 
> “You never want to do this. You never want to talk about him.”
> 
> “Because he’s _gone_ ,” Ren said, “He doesn’t matter.”
> 
> “He feels very _not gone_ to you, babe,” Poe said, “And he does matter. You brought his cactus here.”
> 
> Ren had looked at him.
> 
> “Poe. I’m with _you_ now and I want to be with you forever. What does it matter if Hux’s cactus is here?”
> 
> “Because, you can’t let go of the cactus, which tells me you can’t let go of Hux.”
> 
> “That’s a stretch.”
> 
> “Is it?”
> 
> Ren sighed.
> 
> “Why are you doing this, babe?”
> 
> “Because I love you, Ben and I want to have a future with you -- but I don’t want to share that future with your ex.”
> 
> Ren ran a hand through his hair.
> 
> “Hux is _gone_!” Ren yelled, “Why can’t you understand that!”
> 
> “Because he’s still real to you!”
> 
> “He’s not! He’s gone. You’re here! I’m with you and I love you. Why does the past matter so much to you?”

Poe put his head back down as he thought about what had happened next. They’d argued a bit longer, bickering back and forth, talking in circles until Ren had gone to rest in the bedroom, forgetting about his game with BB-8. Poe had given both himself and Ren time to cool off, before he’d snuck into bed, kissing his Ren and apologizing for being so ridiculous. He’d put the cuffs on the dresser before he’d crawled to Ren, covering him in kisses and _I’m sorry’s_ and _I love you’s._

Ren had kissed him back, offering, in between kisses, to take the cactus away if it really bothered Poe. Poe hadn’t responded, just kissed Ren back, needing to feel _all of_ Ren, needing to verify and validate that Ren was truly his - not _Hux’s._

Poe finally stood now. He packed up a few of Ren’s favorite things for Rey to come back and collect for him in case he wanted them -- his favorite blanket, his datapad, his wool socks to keep his feet warm. He sat the box by the door and then pulled out his comm to message Ren.

///

Later that night, Ren laid awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He’d been thinking all day about what to say in response to a simple message Poe had sent him earlier.

_Poe: Ben?_

Ren finally rolled over and grabbed his comm.

_Ren: Poe, I’ll talk to you soon, ok? Can I just have a couple days to clear my head?_

_Poe: Of course, baby. I’m so sorry. I love you more than anything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't normally like to leave notes because I don't want too much of my personal voice within the flow of the series, but I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments and kudos! I know the last chapter was hard to stomach, so I've started combining my chapter drafts so I don't leave you guys hanging so much, wondering WTF is going on. Chapters will be a bit longer as a result. Hopefully this chapter begins to clear up some things in the way of final plot and character motivations for you all. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> -erin


	17. More than Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 17 SUMMARY: Leia and Poe share a moment. Ren avoids responding to Hux, unsure of why he messaged him in the first place. Ren and Poe see each other for the first time since the cuff altercation. Flashback: Ren is growing irritated with Hux, but it doesn't last long.

/// CHAPTER 17

The next morning, Poe had tried his best to appear awake, functioning and presentable -- and he hoped he’d done enough to look the part as he again sat across from Leia. She had a new folder.

“Poe,” she said, her tone still a bit icy, “My earlier disciplinary actions were unfair and very much influenced by my in-the-moment emotions and personal bias.”

 _No shit._ Poe thought, then took it back, terrified that maybe Leia was in his head. She didn’t give any indication that she’d heard his thoughts as she pressed on.

“I apologize for how I treated you earlier,” Leia said.

Poe nodded. “Apology accepted.”

Leia nodded and looked through the papers, falling silent for longer than a comfortable silence should’ve lasted. Poe shifted in his seat a bit.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said, the coldness gone from her tone, “I’m so sorry for how I treated you.”

“It’s ok,” Poe said with a shrug, “I know how hard-”

“You’re a good person, Poe. And I knew Ben would like you. And he does. _So much.”_

She paused, collecting her thoughts.

“He loves you. And it scared me. I’m scared of him being in love because I’m scared of him getting hurt.”

Poe watched how her face had changed from icy to afraid.

“I have this idea in my mind that now that my Ben is home, I can stop anything or anyone from ever hurting him again,” Leia said, “And I know it’s not true… I just... it’s hard to feel him hurt. And I acted on those feelings. And I shouldn’t have. And I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

“It’s ok, General Organa. I love Ben, too. But I did hurt him. And I’m sorry for that,” Poe said, lifting his eyes now to meet Leia’s, “But please believe me when I say that I’ll never hurt him again.”

Leia nodded, a smile forming on her lips.

“Thank you,” Leia said, “I trust you fully with my Ben.”

Poe nodded. Leia opened the folder after a brief pause.

“I’ve amended your punishment to comply with that of any other consequence for an off-base code of conduct violation, and routed it through the office of administrative and personnel services for approval,” Leia opened the folder and slid the papers over to him, “It’s just a three-day suspension with pay, followed by a hearing in which the disciplinary board will decide on the length of your probation once you’re reinstated at the base. Likely just four weeks.”

“Sounds fair,” Poe said with a nod. Leia had him sign and initial in a few places, then she gave him a copy and placed the rest of the papers back into the folder. She shut it and sat it to the side.

“Have you talked to Ben?” she asked.

Poe shook his head. Leia smiled a half-smile.

“He’s _crazy_ about you,” she said softly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Poe smiled, looking back down to avoid her gaze and feeling his cheeks blush a bit.

“I’m crazy about him too,” Poe said.

When Poe looked back up, Leia was beaming.

“Please go talk to Ben now.”

“I will soon,” Poe said with a shrug, then lowered his gaze again. “I just … I’m not ready yet. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to apologize to him.”

“Poe?” she said. He looked up at her. She stood up and came around the desk. Poe gathered from her signals that she was waiting for him to stand. Poe stood and Leia hugged him. Close and tight. She pulled back and looked at Poe now.

“Ben loves you. _So much._ And it’ll be ok. He’s very good at showing forgiveness.” 

///

A couple days after receiving Hux’s message, Ren still hadn’t responded. Things at the base had picked up even more and he had plenty of repairs to fill his time, plus he liked watching Snap Wexley struggle to fill Poe’s shoes -- so he had plenty of distractions to use in avoiding Hux while he thought of what to say in response.

Ren finished the job he’d been working on, an update to an astromech droid operating system, and downloaded the contents to a new chip. He placed the chip in a pouch and went to go return it.

People around the base liked him more and more. They liked that he came to them for intake appointments, and that he always delivered the repairs by hand when possible. They were surprised to find that _Kylo Ren_ was gentle, soft-spoken and sometimes goofy.

He’d dropped off the chip and then headed back to his workspace. When he got back, Rey was there with a box of his stuff -- the stuff he’d left at Poe’s place.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, “Something’s bothering you.”

“No,” Ren said, with a shrug, “Not really.”

Rey rolled her eyes.

“Ben…” she said knowingly, “Something’s bothering you. And it’s not Poe.”

Ren sighed again, he sat back down and pretended to busy, hoping Rey would just drop it if he put it off long enough.

“I’m not just going to drop it if you put it off long enough,” Rey said.

Ren rolled his eyes. Sometimes he really hated her being in his head.

“It’s General Hux that bothering you?” Rey asked, “Your ex?”

Ren made a mental note to develop a way to keep Rey out of his mind.

“What’s going on with Hux?” Rey asked.

“Nothing’s going on with Hux,” Ren responded.

“Something is going on with Hux.”

Ren breathed out loudly through his nose, sighing in frustration. He gave in.

“I sent him a message a few days ago,” Ren said after a prolonged silence, “He replied. But I don’t know what to say.”

Rey stared with wide eyes. “You’ve been talking to _Hux_?”

“I haven’t _been_ talking to Hux. I sent him one message days ago. He replied. I haven’t responded. That hardly qualifies as talking.”

“You’re trying to rebound with Hux? From across the galaxy? Where the hell is he?”

“It’s not a rebound.”

Rey eyed him skeptically.

“Let me see the message.”

Ren showed it to her.

“And you’ve not responded?” Rey asked.

“No. I just said that.”

“Ok, if it’s not a rebound, then why did you reach out to him? What did you want to come of it?”

Ren thought about it.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I just miss him.”

///

Since talking to Leia, Poe hadn’t left his place in almost three days. The talk with Leia had gone well, but that was easy part. He still had to face Ren. And he was terrified of doing that.

He sat in bed with a bowl bulgur wheat mash, watching movies he’d downloaded from the Holoweb. BB-8 rolled in a few moments later, letting off a few rounds of angry beeps and bobbing in place while he waited for a response.

“I _have_ been outside this week,” Poe said, “And I don’t need to shave.”

BB-8 beeped something else.

“Or shower.”

BB-8 beeped again.

“Or clean up.”

BB-8 beeped in frustration and wheeled away.

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Poe called after him, “I’ll clear a path for you to the kitchen after this movie’s over ok?”

BB-8 came back and let off another round of angry beeps, then wheeled away.

Poe sighed. He had one day left on on his suspension, plus the week’s end, before he could return to work. Rey wouldn’t really speak to him, BB-8 barely spoke to him. BB-8 had even stayed with Rey for a couple days, but reluctantly returned home, proclaiming that _someone_ had to check on Poe.  

Poe looked down at the mash. He’d taken a bite, but everything he ate tasted like sawdust. He sat the bowl down on the floor next to his bed with the others. He’d clean it up later.

He pulled out his comm to see if he’d missed any messages.

_Of course not._

He wondered how the new pilots were doing in training. Snap Wexley was a good pilot, but not a good leader, or instructor. Poe forced himself not to think about it. He tossed his comm to the other side of the bed and sunk down into the blankets.

About 15 minutes later, BB-8 came back in, rolling across the room, over piles of clothes and bowls of crusted-over half-eaten food.

Loud and angry, BB-8 beeped a strongly-worded tirade at Poe, his photoreceptor lit up and pulsing. He was _furious_.

Poe looked at the small, but persistent droid. BB-8 stood his ground, bobbing defiantly in place.

“Ben doesn’t want to talk to me yet,” Poe said.

BB-8 beeped.

“I know, but I don’t want to crowd him. I just wanted to give him space.”

BB-8 beeped again.

“I know it’s been a couple days, I’m just -- I don’t know what to say to him, ok? What could I ever possibly say or do that would be enough?”

BB-8 beeped. Poe’s head fell back against the headboard. The droid was right. He at least had to try.

///

Ren sat in the middle of his bed under the blanket his mom had knitted him, his favorite graphic novel in his lap and his favorite wheat crisps by his side. He decided he wanted whiskey. He tossed his blanket aside and padded down the hall in his wool socks to the cellar, uncorked the decanter and poured a whiskey.

He got back into bed and reached for his novel, but his comm buzzed first. He checked it.

 _Hux:_ _Kylo? Are you there?_

Ren stared at it with wide eyes. The comm buzzed again in hands.

_Poe: Ben? I don’t know if you’re ready to talk to me yet babe, but I want to properly apologize to you. Please? I just want to tell you how sorry I am -- and then I’ll disappear forever if that’s what you want. I promise._

Ren took a generous sip of whiskey. It burned his throat. He typed a response to Hux first.

_Ren: Hi, Hux. I’m here._

Hux responded immediately.

_Hux: Ren?!?! Are you ok? Where are you?_

_Ren: I’m ok. I’m back home on Cronoe._

Ren took another generous sip of his whiskey. That one burned too. Was he really talking to _General Hux_ right now?

_Ren: Where are you?_

_Hux: I’m in the Unknown Regions._

Ren rolled his eyes. _Well, that narrows it down by a tiny fraction of the entire expanse of the galaxy._ Ren wasn’t sure what to say next. His brain was only sending repeat signals of _this is a mistake, this is a mistake, this is a mistake_.

His comm buzzed. Poe.

_Poe: Ben - please? I’m literally on my hands and knees begging. Do you want me to have BB-8 send you a picture?_

Ren let a half-smile creep across his lips. He took another sip of his whiskey and his smile faded. Now his brain only sent signals of _why does everyone I love eventually hurt me?_

Right on queue, his comm buzzed - Hux.

_Hux: Kylo Ren - I miss you._

 

_/// Three Years Earlier_

Ren chewed on his dinner as Hux sliced his steak and turned another page of his book. They were seated next to each other at Ren’s countertop.

“I’m going to be away on missions for the next four days,” Ren said.

“Hm?” Hux murmured, not looking up from his book.

“I’m going to be away on missions for the next four days,” Ren repeated, eyes bearing into the side of Hux’s head.

“Where to?” Hux asked, his eyes still on the book.

“It’s classified,” Ren said.

“Classified,” Hux muttered, “That’s interesting.”

Ren sighed.

“Are you mad at me or something?”

“Hm?”

Ren rolled his eyes into his skull and back.

“Are you hard of hearing?” Ren asked.

“What?” Hux said, eyes still down to his book.

“Are you mad at me?” Ren said louder.

“No,” Hux said, looking up at him now, “Why?”

“You won’t talk to me,” Ren said.

“We’re talking now,” Hux said, “We always talk.”

“You won’t listen to me.”

“I’m listening now. I always listen.”

Ren pushed back from the counter and grabbed his dinner plate.

“Where are you going, Ren?”

“To eat in the bedroom.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m tired of looking at you,” Ren muttered. He heard Hux’s stool scoot back.

“Ren?” He heard Hux’s footsteps, then felt an arm around his waist, palm open flat on his stomach, turning him around gently.

“What’s wrong?” Hux asked, his eyes trying to meet Ren’s. Ren avoided his gaze, but Hux gently took Ren’s face in his hands.

“What’s going on?”

Ren sighed. Hux rubbed Ren’s cheek gently with a thumb. Ren pulled away from Hux’s touch.

“Do you still enjoy … this? Whatever this is. Being with me? Or even being around me?”

Hux’s eyes grew wide.

“What?” he asked, “Ren. Of course. Of course I enjoy being with you. Why would you think any differently?”

“I feel like you don’t listen to me or pay attention to me. And you don’t hold me as close when we sleep. And you don’t hold my hand all the time and kiss my knuckles every few minutes. And you don’t bend over to kiss me while you’re fucking me. And you don’t tell me that you think I’m beautiful,” Ren said with an increasing softness to his tone, realizing how needy he sounded, then trailing off with a shrug.

“Never mind,” Ren said, pulling away, “It’s stupid.”

Hux’s eyes met Ren’s.

“No. It’s not stupid. Don’t say that, Ren. Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way before now?”

Ren shrugged.

“No. No, no, no, no, no,” Hux said softly, taking Ren’s fingers in his and placing kiss after kiss on his knuckles.

He let go of Ren’s hand and kissed his lips. Their lips met softly at first, Hux using both hands to gently hold either side of Ren’s face again. He tasted Ren’s mouth -- lentils of course -- but still warm and sweet as always. He kissed his Ren carefully, making sure to pull back just long enough to let their lips part and miss each other before meeting again. Ren’s arms found their way around Hux’s waist, pulling him close so their bodies met in full contact. Hux parted their lips just enough so he could speak.

“You’re the most beautiful, perfect human I’ve ever laid eyes on,” Hux said, opening his eyes to meet Ren’s.

Ren smiled. “You mean like second only to a droid, or…”

Hux kissed Ren again.

“When we’re in bed, I’m never going to let you go now,” Hux said, meeting Ren’s eyes again, “And I’m going to tell you that you’re beautiful every single time I lay eyes on you.”

Hux kissed Ren, feeling his lips curl into a smile.

“And I _love_ being with you. I love this. You’re the light of my life ok, Ren?” Hux asked, then kissed Ren’s nose and ran a few fingers through his hair.

Ren nodded.

“Ok,” Hux said, kissing his forehead, his fingers tangling deeper in Ren’s hair, “Good. Now come sit on my lap and straddle me and let me fuck you and mark you as mine and cover you in kisses?”

 

/// Present

_Hux: Kylo - I miss you._

Ren rolled his eyes. _This was a mistake_. He took the last sip of his whiskey.

“Ben?”

Leia was at his bedroom doorway.

“Hey, mom,” Ren said.

She crossed the room and kissed his hair. “Are you ok, honey?”

She’d developed a habit in the last few days of asking Ren way too often if he was ok. Every night. And every morning. And also every hour.

“I’m _fine_ mom,” Ren said, “I promise.”

“Ok,” she said, but he could feel that she was still unsure.

“Poe’s hearing is tomorrow, right? To decide how long he’ll be on probation?”

“Yes, it’s tomorrow morning,” Leia said taking a seat on the edge of his bed.

Ren nodded. “And you don’t know what … they decided?”

Leia shook her head. She hadn’t been allowed to serve on the disciplinary review board for obvious reasons.

“What do you think they decided?”

“I think he’ll be fully reinstated with four weeks probation.”

Ren nodded.

“Is that what you think they should do?”

Leia nodded. They were silent for a few moments.

“Have you decided what to do? About Poe? About your relationship?”

Ren shrugged.

“We’re going to talk soon,” Ren said, “I just needed some time.”

Leia nodded and they sat in silence again.

“Do you still love him?” she eventually asked.

“Yeah. I do” Ren said, then lowered his head, speaking softly, “More than anything.”

 

_/// Three Years Earlier_

If there was anything in the galaxy Hux loved more than having Kylo Ren in his lap, riding him earnestly, legs spread wide open, knees on either side of Hux’s biceps, arms behind him to brace some of his weight and thereby making his chest and abs ripple with effort, his head thrown back, eyes closed, long dark hair falling behind him and his pale neck exposed, begging for a mark ... then Hux surely couldn’t place it at the current moment.

“Ren,” Hux breathed, “Come here.” He tugged Ren forward and Ren sat up, slowly placing his full weight on Hux. Ren winced a bit at Hux’s being so _completely buried_ inside of him.

“Is that ok?” Hux asked gently, kissing Ren’s jaw. Ren nodded.

“Good,” Hux said, “Because when I finish inside you, it’s going to be just like this.” Hux nipped at Ren’s collarbones now, leaning forward with full intent to mark Ren.

“Hux,” Ren said with a sigh, rolling his neck around to make Hux’s task harder. Ren hated hickies. “Are we thirteen?”

“Ren. No one can see them but me,” Hux said, kissing Ren’s neck all over to check out the real estate before he committed, “No one knows that under all your ridiculous layers, you have beautiful, pale skin that’s covered in the hickies and bruises I’ve left you.

Hux tugged Ren’s hair, pulling back to expose his neck. Ren ground his hips down into Hux’s lap, rubbing back and forth there, rocking gently, gasping a bit as he did.

“You can ride me while I do this, love,” Hux said, “It’s ok. I can still manage a hickie or two even with your bouncing up and down.”

Ren made a noise somewhere between a grunt and an exasperated sigh as Hux tugged his head back and began nipping at his neck now. Ren rode Hux in spite of the hickies happening just above his collarbone.

Ren bounced up and down, maneuvering a bit to guide Hux inside of him, making contact at just the right spot, his head hanging back while Hux went on, persistent in his task of leaving childish remnants behind. After a while, Ren felt the sweat begin to form and glisten on his back. They’d not quite made it to the bedroom, and had instead opted to give floor sex another try. The floor, and its bantha fur rug, were proving to be an affording avenue for the position they’d picked.

Ren rode Hux until the muscles in his thighs and shoulders ached.

“Hux. You have to fuck me now,” Ren said, the words coming out as more of whine and less of a command as he’d intended.

“Do I?” Hux asked with a grin.

“Hux,” Ren said, dragging out the “ _x”_ and not even caring that that one was definitely a whine.

“My lovely Ren,” Hux kissed his neck. “What do you say, beautiful?” Hux asked, his eyes meeting Ren’s.

_“Please?”_

“Please…?”

Ren emitted a whiny sigh.

“Are you suddenly a toddler?” Hux asked and Ren, though his eyes were closed and his head was back, could just _see_ the smug grin on Hux’s face.

“Hux.”

“What do you say, Ren? Please, _what?”_

“Please fuck me now.”

Hux placed quick, hot kisses on Ren’s neck and jaw and collarbone. “Since you asked so nicely,” he murmured. He ran a hand over Ren’s torso, encouraging him to lift a bit. Ren lifted his hips from Hux’s lap a few inches, using his arms to support his weight, palms flat on the rug.

“Hold there,” Hux said, kissing Ren’s flexed chest and shoulders and biceps. Ren did as he was told. “Good. _Perfect,_ ” Hux said in a whisper, then used his own arms to support his weight as he lifted his hips up over and over to fuck Ren.

Their bodies met each time with a very pleasant and satisfying smacking noise, Ren, lowering into each of Hux’s thrusts just a bit. The sound of their bodies colliding over and over filled the otherwise silent room, and as their bodies grew increasingly covered in a light layer of sweat, the noise became loud enough that anyone standing outside of the door would easily be able to hear.

Ren felt Hux getting close and slowly began relaxing down into Hux’s lap. Hux nodded in agreement, letting Ren eventually settle down into into his lap. Hux wrapped both of his arms around Ren’s waist as Ren rode him again now, feeling Hux shudder beneath him with waves of pleasure.

“Ren,” Hux said, a whine, almost like he wished Ren _wouldn’t_ do this to him and make him feel this way. Hux felt the pleasure coursing through Ren’s body too, leaking evidence onto their stomachs.

“Ren,” Hux said, “You’re going to come without me even touching you.”

Ren whimpered.

“You’re going to come just from getting fucked by me aren’t you?”

Ren nodded quickly and desperately, muttering a very soft _…  fuck_ as he buried his head in Hux’s neck.

Ren sat down fully in Hux’s lap, just like Hux wanted. Ren grinded on Hux, pushing himself further down, letting Hux deeper inside him, both of them moaning and breathing hard and sweating.

Hux kissed Ren’s shoulder and felt Ren’s mind in his own, _“Hux. We couldn’t possibly be any closer to each other than we are right now.”_

Hux heard Ren and it made him shudder. He finished inside of Ren, pulling and squeezing Ren close to him, his head buried in Ren’s neck.

When Ren came just after, with their bodies squeezed so close together, the result was something like a Rorschach, leaving an intricate pattern on their stomachs when they finally did pull apart once they’d both come down.

Ren eased off of Hux and slowly stood to his feet, then bent over toward Hux, presenting his shoulder. Hux rolled his eyes a bit, but still reached up, standing just enough to drape himself over Ren’s shoulder before Ren carefully straightened. Hux let out a laugh -- he couldn’t _not_ as Ren placed a kiss to his ass and marched them down the hall, motioning to turn on the bedroom and bathroom lights and delivering Hux to the already-running shower.

“How… did you turn on the shower?” Hux asked.

“Yep,” Ren said with a smirk as he gently returned Hux to his feet and opened the shower door for them. They both got in and stood under the warm spray as the water washed them clean. They got out a few minutes later, wrapped in a single, huge towel and dried off together before slipping on underwear and climbing into bed.

Once they were settled and Ren had turned down all the lights, Hux snuggled close, spooning Ren so hard that their bodies seemed to fuse. Hux placed kiss after kiss on the back of Ren’s shoulders and neck.

“Ren?”

“Hm?

“Is this close enough?”

Ren chuckled. “Yes,” he said, “That’s close enough. Thank you, Hux.”

 

_/// Present_

Ren rolled his eyes the next morning as he sat at his workbench. Hux was sending message after message.

_Hux: Kylo - I miss you._

_Hux: Ren? Are you there?_

_Hux: Kylo?_

_Hux: Are you mad at me?_

_Hux: Ren?_

_Hux: Are you ok?_

_Hux: Ren. Seriously_

_Hux: Is everything ok?_

_Hux: Why did you even message me if you weren’t going to respond?? TYPICAL REN._

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, the last one made Ren chuckle. He felt a presence approaching. Poe. The color drained from his face, and he went to put his comm away. It buzzed again before he could. Still Hux.

He looked up and Poe stood timidly in the doorway. Ren straightened a bit. It was odd seeing Poe this way. He was normally confident and sure of himself. Today he was anything but. His gaze was cast down. His shoulders hunched. His complexion seemed washed out. He fidgeted with his fingers. His toes didn’t cross the room’s threshold.

“Hi,” Poe said softly, his voice breaking and clearing a bit like he hadn’t used it in a while. His gaze was still stuck to the floor.

“Hi,” Ren responded.

“How are you?” Poe asked.

“I’m fine,” Ren said.

Poe nodded.

“BB-8 wanted to say hi to you. Is that ok?” Poe still wouldn’t look up.

“Yeah, of course.”

Poe looked off to the side a bit and motioned with his head. A high-frequency beep was emitted, soon followed by BB-8 rolling in, taking the corner sharply and entering the room as quickly as he could.

Ren laughed.

“Hey, bud,” he said with a smile, standing up to squat down on photoreceptor level with BB-8. BB-8 liked it when people did that.

BB-8 beeped greetings and questions at Ren.

“I’m doing great,” Ren responded, “I missed you too, bud.”

“Is it ok if he stays with you?” Poe asked from the doorway a few moments later, barely loud enough for Ren to hear him, “While I go to the hearing?”

“Yeah,” Ren said with a nod, “That’s fine.”

“Ok,” Poe said, “Thank you.”

His eyes still hadn’t left the floor. He turned to go.

“Poe?” Ren called after him.

“Yes?”

“After your hearing, let’s talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have this series billed as 20 chapters because I only like numbers that end in five or zero. I'm giving the obsessive, irrational part of my brain time to come to terms with the fact that this series will probably end up having an odd number of chapters, like 21 or 23 ... or I might just finagle 25 out of it by filling the extra space with pictures of Oscar Isaac.


	18. Insatiable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 18 SUMMARY: After the disciplinary hearing, Ren and Poe get away to talk about what's next for their relationship. Flashback: The cracks are beginning to show. Ren and Hux argue often ... but they can never stay away from each other for long.

/// CHAPTER 18

_/// Three Years Earlier_

Ren crossed his legs in bed and tried to focus on the words on his datapad. He shifted his weight under the blanket, trying to make more space for his long legs, given the fact that Hux was in the exact middle of their bed and didn’t seem to notice - or care. Ren kept scrolling through his article, tugging at the blanket a bit. Hux sat next to him, legs stretched out comfortably in front of him, dressed only in a small pair of grey underwear, using most of the blanket and watching the Holoscreen at what Ren swore was _full volume._

_“With the Resistance severely crippled in today’s altercation on D’Qar, once neutral planets are questioning their decision to align with the rebel cause…”_

Ren looked at Hux out of the side of his eye.

“Hux?”

“Hm?” Hux murmured, eyes not leaving the tv.

“Can you turn that down a bit?”

Hux complied, turning the volume down a single notch by using the remote operator that he always kept in his lap when he watched the Holoscreen. Ren waited for him to continue turning it down, but he instead sat down the remote operator back in his lap, signifying that he’d adequately honored Ren’s request. Ren stared at him and clenched his jaw.

“Are you serious?” Ren asked.

“What?”

“ _That’s_ your idea of turning the volume down?”

“I did ask you asked.”

Ren shut his eyes, trying to calm himself, trying to be reasonable. It had been a long day for both of them, so his temper was already dangerously close to its tipping point. From the moment Ren set foot on the bridge to the moment he left, they’d bickered and argued endlessly, spending the entire day disagreeing. Disagreeing in front of lower-rank officers, disagreeing in front of Snoke. Disagreeing about a recon mission they both thought they’d been in command of.

“Can you turn it down more, please?”

Hux sighed. He turned it down one more notch.

“Ok,” Ren said, determined to keep his temper in check, “I’ll be more clear. I can’t concentrate on what I’m reading because the Holoscreen is entirely too fucking loud. Can you turn it down a lot? Or go watch this shit in the other room?”

 _Fuck._ Ren thought as soon as the word’s left his mouth. He hadn’t meant to curse and his tone had more of a bite to it than he’d intended. Hux turned the Holoscreen volume down two more notches, his eyes never leaving the screen.

 _Stay calm stay calm stay calm stay calm._ Ren told himself. Hux still watched the news. His eyes had never once strayed from the Holoscreen.

“You’re a terrible listener,” Ren said.

“I did exactly as you asked,” Hux said simply, eyes still on the screen and Ren hated how calm and cool and smug his tone was.

“Yeah, you did as I asked, but listening is also about understanding the person you’re listening to and I feel like you’re not really understanding what I need right now.”

Hux laughed, a dark, sharp laugh that came from his belly.

“What _you_ _need_ right now?” Hux turned to look at Ren now, mouth slightly upturned at one end with disgust.

“Don’t fucking look at me at me like that. It’s been a long day for both of us,” Ren said, at least still trying his best to keep his tone even -- he’d given up on not trying to curse. “You want to unwind by watching coverage of the shit we live all day. I want to unwind by reading about the grain crisis in the Outer Rim. Right now, your way to unwind is trumping mine and you don’t realize that because you either don’t fucking listen to me or you don’t fucking care about me.”

Hux’s icy eyes met Ren’s, cold and calculating. “I spend all day listening to you, Ren. All I ever do is listen to you and listen to what _you_ want and listen to what _you_ think.”

“Ok, but you’re never _really_ listening to me, Hux. You really don’t listen to anyone. Ever.”

“What do you mean I’m not _really_ listening to you?” Hux said, his tone mocking Ren’s complaint.

“You listen but you don’t understand! I literally just said that!”

Hux sighed. “Ren, you’re preposterous. Your idea of someone _listening_ to you, to your liking, means that they do whatever it is you want, no questions asked.”

“Really, Hux?” Ren said, beginning to raise his voice now, “You think you know how _I_ feel? What _I_ want?”

“Yes, I do know. I always know what you’re simplistic mind is thinking,” Hux said, “You’re self-centered and self-serving. You’re not terribly hard to figure out, Ren. For someone who can read minds, I thought your own mind might be a little more complicated.”

“And you _aren’t_ self-centered and self-serving? You’re a delusional, controlling egomaniac.”

“Yes, Ren, and you’re a regular saint,” Hux said as he got out of bed, tugging the blanket from Ren’s lap as he did.

“ _Don’t_ turn this back on me,” Ren felt the blood rushing to his face.

“Turn _what_ back on you, Ren?” Hux asked as he went to the closet, “What are we really even arguing about?”

Ren paused. He admittedly couldn’t pinpoint the purpose of their argument. Sure it was the listening issue, but it was more than that. Ren thought about it as he absorbed Hux’s expression. The scowl on his face. The hard lines in his forehead. The determined look in his eyes.

“You do everything you possibly can to piss me off,” Ren concluded.

Hux ignored him, knowing how much Ren hated it when he wouldn’t even honor him with a response. Hux disappeared into the closet.

“And you’re doing it now,” Ren said.

“And just what have I done to piss you off lately, Ren?” Hux asked.

“You know how much I hate it when you override my commands.”

Hux rolled his eyes, stepping out of the closet now to look at Ren.

“And just what command of yours did I override?”

“Seriously?” Ren asked. Hux did this to him often, too. Asking Ren questions that they both already knew the answer to, just to disgrace Ren by forcing him to say it aloud.

“ _Don’t_ fucking do this right now,” Ren said, drawing out the words, not even caring how dark and biting how tone was now. “Not today.”

“What?” Hux asked.

“Don’t do the thing where you make me answer questions that you already know the answer to, just to glow in the pompous satisfaction that comes with getting your way.”

Ren said. And Hux had just won, making him explain it anyways.

Hux shrugged.

“What’s the problem, Ren?”

“You overrode my command!” Ren screamed.

“What command?”

Ren couldn’t tell if Hux was fucking with him or if he genuinely didn’t know which command he’d overridden.

“The recon mission. You either didn’t hear me when I asked you not to authorize it or you _did_ hear me and you deliberately disobeyed me because you don’t give a _single fuck_ about what I think.”

“ _Disobeyed_ you? What am I? Under your command?”

“You’re not _above_ my command.”

Hux’s face was growing red now, his mouth was downturned with disgust. Ren could feel the anger seething out of his pores. Hux had left the closet behind, pacing the edge of the bed now.

“Is that what this is about? _Power?_ ”

“It’s not about power. It’s about respect,” Ren ran a hand through his hair, accidentally tugging a bit out of frustration, “You don’t listen to me. _Ever, ever._ Anywhere. When I ask you to blow out the candle before you come to bed, you don’t do that. When I ask you turn down the Holoscreen so I can read, you don’t do that. When I ask you to order me quinoa instead of lentils, you don’t do that either. When I ask you not to authorize a recon mission, you fucking authorize it anyways!”

Hux eyed him.

“So this is really about a candle and the Holoscreen and your lentils?”

Ren wanted to bang his head against the wall.  “And you’re not listening to me now!” He shouted.

“Are you psychotic?” Hux asked, stopping his pacing to stare at Ren. He shook his head and laughed darkly, then resumed his pacing, “No. Don’t answer that. Of course you are.”

Hux turned and went back to the closet, snatching a pair of pants from a hanger and pulling them on quickly, “Why am I here? _Why the fuck_ am I here with you?”

“That’s a good fucking question,” Ren muttered.

Hux fastened his pants and put on the first shirt he could find, not caring that it was Ren’s.

“Do you have an answer?” Ren asked, his tone more despondent than angry now.

“An answer for _what?_ ” Hux asked as he turned to leave the bedroom, forcing Ren to get up and follow him. Hux stalked down the hall in quick steps with Ren right on his heels.

“Do you care about me at all, Hux?”

Hux stopped quickly and turned, with Ren stopping just short of walking into him.

“Is _that_ what this is all about? You want to know if I _care_ about you?”

Ren looked at him. He searched Hux’s eyes for any indication of where he was going next. Hux’s eyes were still icy and determined, his jaw set and his gaze hard. Ren’s warm, soft, compassionate Hux _wasn’t there._ He was afraid to even brush against Hux’s mind.

“You want me to care about you? To be devoted to you? To be in love with you? Be your adoring partner and do whatever you want, when you want?”

Hux said the words with disgust, his eyes narrowing at Ren. He turned and kept walking towards the door. Ren followed, but slower now. He felt a wrench in his stomach, Hux’s words had cut through whatever response he’d braced himself for. But he resolved not to let is show.

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Ren said, the words leaving tongue with a darkness and bitterness that frankly surprised him.

“I never even _wanted_ this! I never wanted you to care about me!” Ren yelled, not anticipating that his tone was to take on the volume it did. “I never said I wanted you, or anybody, to care about me!”

Hux sneered at him, stealing glances while he pulled on his boots.

“This entire thing … this entire relationship, whatever the hell it is, was your idea, Hux!” Ren yelled.

Hux zipped his boots, still not offering a response.

“I never wanted anything with you. I never wanted you in my life, Hux.”

“Splendid,” Hux said, zipping his second boot and straightening, “Then I’ll go.”

_/// Present_

Poe came back to Ren’s workspace after his hearing, about a half hour later, appearing at the doorway again just as timidly as he had the first time. Ren looked at him. Even though just a few days had passed, Poe’s typically bright skin had a dull pallor to it. His eyes were downturned on the sides, and his head and gaze were perpetually bent towards the floor. Ren felt an ache in his chest. He wasn’t sure if it was his own ache, or Poe’s ache echoing in his body.

“Hi,” Ren said.

“Hey,” Poe said.

“How’d it go?”

“It was fine. My suspension is up. Just four weeks probation.” He spoke softly.

Ren felt a compelling urge to hug Poe. To comfort him. It was unnerving. He hadn’t really felt an urge to comfort anyone so strongly before. He wasn’t sure what to do with the urge, so he ignored it. Shelved it for later.

Instead of saying anything, Ren just nodded. He stood up. “Snap Wexley really sucks at training pilots.” He offered a slight smile, but Poe didn’t return it. They both looked down. His stupid words hung in the air, his own voice buzzing and reverberating in his head. He had to make it stop.

“Poe. We need to talk, babe.”

Poe looked up to him, their eyes really just now meeting for the first time since the binder cuff night. Ren felt something he only now realized he’d missed over the past few days -- an enveloping warmth. He’d missed Poe’s dark, but warm eyes. Until meeting Poe for the first time over dinner, he’d never met someone with eyes as kind and as warm as Poe’s. 

He remembered the way that Poe had smiled at him from across the dinner table at their first meeting, innocently enough, but the warmth in Poe’s eyes, despite the fact that Ren knew he didn’t really want to be there, had made his entire body feel light. Even today, with as sad as Poe felt, Ren still the warmth coming from him. Ren moved toward him now. He stopped at arms length from him.

“Can we talk?” Ren asked again.

Poe nodded. “Yeah,” he said softly, “Yeah, I’d really like that.”

///

Poe was still timid about looking at Ren, touching him, speaking to him and Ren knew that wouldn’t change unless they get could away from everything for a little while. Ren had led Poe to a speeder and delivered them to the Gysper Rapids -- the place where they had their first official date a couple months ago, their first kiss. They picked their way up the side of one of the lush green hills, dotted with huge trees, abundant groves of natural flowers and smooth slate boulders.

“It feels good to be outside,” Poe said softly once they were about halfway up.

Ren nodded. “Haven’t been outside much?”

Poe shook his head and Ren looked at Poe’s wavy dark hair, more tousled than usual, his eyes still sad. His shoulders were slightly slumped, instead of upright and back. His body language was sluggish and hesitant. Ren hated it. Hated seeing Poe this way.

They didn’t say much as they climbed to the top, and once they’d reached the summit, they’d sat in a grassy clearing to take in the views of the eastern ridge.

“Are you ok, baby?” Poe asked.

“Am I ok?” Ren asked.

Poe nodded. “Yeah… you know, from the other night? When I hurt you?”

“Oh. Yeah. I’m ok,” Ren said with a nod, “Are you ok?”

“I’m ok.”

They fell silent, looking out over the coast.

“First things first. You should know -- I sent Hux a message,” Ren said, still looking out over the coast. The sun was just beginning to set, casting a preliminary pink glow over the sky, water, cliffs and coast. Even though he thought he’d missed Hux, he’d never once missed the perpetual darkness of the _Finalizer._

“You messaged Hux?”

Ren nodded, looking to poe now.

“When?” Poe asked.

“A few days ago?”

Poe _chuckled_ \-- it surprised Ren. He figured Poe would be angry.

“Were you trying to rebound with Hux from a different star system?”

Ren rolled his eyes, smiling a bit now too. “That’s the same thing Rey asked.”

Poe smiled, leaning in toward Ren just slightly. “Why’d you message him, baby?” Poe asked gently.

Ren shrugged.

“I don’t know. Rey asked that too,” Ren looked down and bit on his lip a little while he thought, “I’ve been thinking about it. I think I want closure.”

Poe nodded, looking over to Ren and reaching out a hand gently to brush some hair from Ren’s eyes, tucking it behind his ear. “You love him still?” Poe asked, his tone kind and honest.

Ren bit his lip more, thinking about it, his eyes searching the coast as if the answer was somewhere in the distance before them.

“I love it when you do that, baby,” Poe said, one side of his mouth curling into a smile.

“When I do what?” Ren asked, turning to look at Poe.

Poe reached out a hand again, running his thumb over the scar on Ren’s cheek, then briefly his lips, “When you chew on your lip while you’re thinking.” Ren smiled into Poe’s touch, the trail of his fingers leaving behind a comforting sensation that spread through Ren’s body.

“I think a part of me will always love Hux, babe,” Ren finally said, “He took care of me when I had no one else. And he held me and kissed me and woke up next to me for years. Things between us were good … until they weren’t anymore. But … he isn’t _warm_. Not like you.”

Poe looked to Ren, taking Ren’s fingers in his. Ren squeezed Poe’s fingers and continued.

“I never got to properly say goodbye to him,” Ren said, “And I’d like to do that.”

Poe nodded. He brought Ren’s fingers up and kissed his knuckles. They sat in silence for a while.

“My life is better and better with each day that you’re in it,” Ren said.

“Really?” Poe asked.

“Yeah,” Ren said, “Of course, babe.”

“But I hurt you, baby,” Poe said, “I’m not … I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for what I did to you.”

Ren sighed, he turned his whole body now to meet Poe, facing him and crossing his legs.

“Poe? Babe?”

Poe turned to meet Ren, all ten of their fingers lacing, fitting snugly and tightly together.

“I’ve done much worse,” Ren said, “And everyone has forgiven me. My mom, Rey, Luke and you. Especially you.”

Their eyes met in a steady, unflinching gaze.

“You deserve all the love and forgiveness in the galaxy, baby,” Poe said.

“And you do too,” Ren replied. “You have to forgive yourself for what you did to me.”

Poe’s eyes looked away from Ren’s temporarily.

“I know that you’re angry with yourself for not listening to me or not reading my signals. But everyone makes mistakes. It was a miscommunication. You have to let this one go eventually. You have to let it go, baby, or you’ll hate yourself. And you can’t love again if you hate yourself.”

They were silent again, with each silence growing more comfortable.

“I know I haven’t known you long, but my love for you is insatiable, Ben” Poe said after the pause, “I made a mistake and I hurt you and I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am. But I will _never_ hurt you again. I’ll give anything, do anything, move galaxies to protect you and to make sure that you never hurt again.”

Poe placed short, quick kisses on Ren’s knuckles over and over.

“I want to start fresh with you,” Poe said, “And I want to take it slow.”

Ren felt a surge course through his body and he squeezed Poe’s fingers a bit as a result. Poe’s eyes widened when he felt it, he smiled.

“Sorry,” Ren said, “Did you feel that?”

“I did,” Poe nodded, smiling at Ren, “So …  is that as a yes?”

Ren smiled too. “It’s a yes,” he said, “Let’s try again? Slow?”

“Slow,” Poe confirmed.

Ren looked away a bit now, “And I may need a while before I’m ready to have sex again.”

“Of course, baby,” Poe said, “Of course.”

They leaned in and their lips met. Their kiss was slow and sweet like they were in no hurry to do anything else but hold hands and kiss each other.

“We took everything fast,” Poe said, breaking their lips just an inch.

“We took everything _too_ fast,” Ren said in agreement.

“I just … I met you and you were so wonderful and beautiful and perfect and I wasn’t expecting it and I wanted to hold you and hug you and protect you forever,” Poe said, “And I think I was just eager for forever to be like … now.”

They kissed each other again, still slow and sweet, tasting every corner of each other’s mouths, Poe’s fingers finding Ren’s hair and tangling there, pulling him forward into the kiss. Ren’s head swam. In that moment, Poe’s kisses felt a life-giving resource, every bit as necessary and essential as food and water. They kissed until they felt their lips felt a little numb and swollen. They parted with a few short, but lingering kisses.

“After the first night I met you,” Ren said, kissing Poe, “I liked you a lot. _So much._ I had to jerk off in the shower after you left.”

Poe broke the kiss enough to laugh.

“It was your fault,” Ren said with a smile, stealing another kiss, “You were sending me _‘I really want to fuck you’_ vibes all night.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You were.”

They kissed again, leaving the argument there because it didn’t really matter now. Ren pulled back a few moments later, running his fingers through Poe’s wavy hair and loving the way Poe’s eyes squinted at the corners when he smiled at him.

“You made me feel warm and you were loving and protective and I just wanted you so bad, all at once,” Ren said, “I’ve never had someone love and care for me the way you did.”

“What?” Poe said, his eyes showing concern now.

“What?” Ren asked.

“Hux didn’t love you?” Poe asked, “Hux didn’t take care of you?”

Ren looked down, chewing on his lip a bit.

“Baby?” Poe asked.

Ren shrugged.

“Baby, did Hux not love you back?”

“No,” Ren eventually said, “No. Hux didn’t love me.”

_/// Three Years Earlier_

Hux didn’t want to look terribly desperate, but he quickened his pace as much as he possibly could, just short of breaking into a jog, as he made his way to the medic station.

After their fight five days ago, Ren had gone out on some extracurricular Knights of Ren expedition, which he knew Hux _hated_. With the First Order doing quite well and the Resistance increasingly muted for the time being, Ren was running around a lot with his Knights. Hux knew very little about them. They were a menacing bunch, clad in theatric all-black outfits, zipping to and fro throughout the galaxy and dipping in and out of star systems in dramatic-looking Upsilon-class ships, stirring up trouble with the Resistance for no apparent reason, and for no apparent gain. The fact that someone as flighty and unpredictable as Ren was their _master_ gave Hux plenty evidence that their overall unit lacked any real, cohesive strategy, goals or tactics -- and that they were probably all completely ok with that, following Ren blindly into whatever conflict Snoke deemed necessary for them to address.

As if Hux needed anymore reason to hate the Knights, he now had a strong one. He’d received an automated alert message to his comm: Ren’s vitals. Ren’s _rapidly declining_ vitals. He’d signed up for Kylo Ren alerts some time ago, a few months after the collapse of _Starkiller._ The automated message spat out Ren’s numbers and stats on a repeat loop, with a text status update to accompany every now and again: _ >>>BEGIN_MESSAGE>>>Ren, Kylo. Primary Affiliation--First Order. Secondary Affiliation--Knights of Ren. Critically injured in altercation on Kuat. Status--Unstable -- Declining. Prognosis--Unknown. Location--MedBay--7 <<<END_MESSAGE<<< _

Not so much caring about desperation anymore, he swept through the doors of the medic station.

“Kylo Ren,” Hux shouted at the intake droids behind the desk, “Where is he?”

One of the droids leisurely poked at a datapad.

“MedBay 7, sir.”

 _Fuck. Of course._ Hux remembered his automated message had just told him that. He rushed down the hall, following signs for MedBay 7.

He turned the corner and saw Ren’s ridiculous scarf discarded on the floor. Hux bent to gather it, taking it with him. A few doors down, he heard a medic yelling, droids responding. He found the door and looked inside. _This is an operating room._

Ren was laid out on the table, an oxygen mask over his face and his black layers cut open, dangling by his sides. Hux only saw blood, the pale skin of Ren’s torso and blinding O.R. lights.

“General Hux, sir, you can’t be here.” One of the medic droids. Hux ignored. it.

“Ren?” he called out, eyes wide, moving past the medic droids who tried feebly to stop him. Mistake. The head medic looked up at him now. It was the same one from before - the same one who had cared for Ren last year after Starkiller base. _The pretty one._

“General Hux. You can’t be here!” the medic yelled, her eyes burning, “He needs to undergo surgery. Immediately.”

The medic motioned now to the droids, “Get him out of here!” The medic droid responded by reaching out one of its mechanical arms to turn Hux around and guide him from the room. Hux tugged his arm away.

“What happened to him?”

“General Hux, I will debrief you _after_ surgery,” her tone made it clear that this was her final warning.

Hux felt himself being guided from the room by the droid, but his gaze stayed over his shoulder, on Ren, looking for the rise and fall of his chest, seeing his dark hair, matted with blood, his helmet discarded on the floor.

_/// Present_

Poe’s fingers absently combed through Ren’s hair as he scrolled through an archived book on his datapad. Poe was sitting up, cross-legged on the sofa, with Ren curled up on the rug in front of him, his back to the sofa, his head just about level with Poe’s lap, playing a flight simulation game on his datapad. The pad chimed -- he’d reached level 46. He tilted his head back proudly to look at Poe while the next level loaded, and Poe placed a sweet upside down kiss on Ren’s lips.

“Did you beat 45, baby?” Poe asked, his lips gracing Ren’s while he spoke. Ren nodded, kissing Poe’s lips again before tilting his head back down to the screen.

Leia sipped tea from where she was seated in her chair, across the room from Ren and Poe. She was reading a book -- an actual book with bound pages and a cover. She didn’t care for reading on her datapad and couldn’t understand how Poe and Ren did it. BB-8 was listening to the latest installment of his favorite radio series quietly in the corner, beeping softly here and there when he thought something was amusing.

A fire burned and crackled in the fireplace, the flames growing a bit dimmer.

“Ben, honey?” Leia asked, “Can you poke at that or something, to make it come back to life?”

Ren looked up at the fire and paused his game. He scooted a few feet to the fire place, grabbing one of the pokers and opening the gate. He sat back on one calf, the other leg curled up near his chest and used the poker to move the logs around into the flame to try to resurrect it. Once it was situated and burning earnestly again, he closed the gate and went back to his datapad.

As soon as Ren was back within reach of Poe’s touch, Poe’s fingers again found Ren’s hair, absently carding through it. Ren titled his head back and they kissed quickly before Ren’s level started.

Poe had been reinstated at the base two weeks earlier. In the meantime, he and Ren had started over, taking it slow, like secondary school boyfriends who had a curfew to keep and parents to win over. Poe and BB-8 came over to the Organa estate each night for dinner, usually joined by Rey, Luke or Finn. After dinner they all moved to the den to drink tea or wine while they read or watched something on the Holoscreen or played a few rounds of dejarik, which BB-8 always won. On this night, it was just Leia, Poe, Ren and BB-8 so it was quieter than usual, the crackling fire filling most of the silence in the room.

Ren searched his mom’s thoughts while he guided his fleet’s ships through an asteroid field. He’d been doing that a lot lately, reading her mind. And also guiding virtual ships through virtual asteroid fields -- anything to have a distraction. Han’s birthday was approaching and though Leia said she didn’t want to do anything, Ren knew better.

This would be the fourth birthday Leia would endure without Han. Ben and Poe and Rey were planning a celebration in his honor, even though Leia said it wasn’t necessary. Ren knew that his dad would want them to have fun, doing something special to remember him instead of just sitting around in sad silence, drinking wine in solitude and playing flight simulation games on datapads. They were planning an outdoor dinner party in the garden and Ren was pulling strings to get a special reserve wine from the Outer Rim that he knew his mom loved.

Her thoughts tonight were fairly neutral, Ren noticed. _She’s happy that Poe’s here, that we’re together again. She knows that Poe makes me happy. She knows that I love Poe._

Ren knew all those things though without even entering her mind. He went a bit deeper, which he didn’t like to do -- not when it came to his mom.

_She misses dad. She knows that I miss dad too._

Ren didn’t go any further. He instead absorbed himself in his game again. He’d missed some crucial gems that he’d need in order to make ship upgrades later. He had to buckle down and focus if he wanted to achieve the next rank.

Poe bent over about a half hour later and placed a few kisses on the top of Ren’s head. Ren looked up and back at him and Poe kissed his lips. Their eyes met.

“I think I’m going to head home soon, baby,” Poe said. Ren straightened up now, his eyes showing concern, brow furrowing. He turned to look at Poe.

He kissed Poe’s knee. _She knows how much I hate it when Poe leaves._

“Will you stay tonight?” Ren asked.

They hadn’t shared a bed in nearly four weeks.

“Do you want me to, baby?”

Ren nodded.

“Yes. Please?” he asked, “I miss you at night.”

Ren had suffered a fairly disorienting vision of Snoke the night before. He’d forgotten where he was and eventually became certain that he was on _Starkiller._ He’d woken up, grasping for Poe, or even Hux, but instead just finding empty space. Leia had come in moments later to wipe the sweaty hair from his eyes and help him figure out where he was and help get him grounded in the present. He hadn’t told Poe about it when they’d met at the base that morning to kiss and drink breakfast tea in Ren’s workspace.

“I miss falling asleep next to you and waking up in your arms.”

“That’s the sappiest shit I’ve ever heard, baby. Of course, I’ll stay, love,” Poe said, smiling wide, “Anything you want.”

From behind her book, Leia’s mouth formed into a smile.

_/// Three Years Earlier_

“General Hux?” Hux looked up. It was the head medic. He looked at her, eyes wide. Having to sit in the holding area had been awful. He’d been too anxious to sit, so he’d stood, pacing, holding Ren’s absurd scarf in his hands, twisting it around and eventually folding it up. One of the droids had asked him to sit, claiming that he was disturbing others in the holding area. Hux sat and tried to anything to busy himself. Anything to keep his mind from imagining what his life would be like without Ren. He’d settled for counting the stitching on the inside of his jacket. He’d arrived at 763 when he heard his name.

“How is he?” Hux asked, “What happened to him?”

“He’s stable for the moment. He’d suffered several stab wounds.”

_Stab wounds? What in god’s name was Ren doing to get himself stabbed? And on an awful planet like Kuat?_

“For the moment? Does that mean he could not be stable in another moment moments from now?”

The medic ignored his poorly phrased question and moved on with her report. “We had to repair damage to his lung and liver. He was also dehydrated and suffering from exhaustion. Again, he’s stable for the moment and should remain so. We’re keeping him for observation and to address any possible post-surgery complications.”

_Has he not eaten or slept since our fight? Am I the only person in the galaxy who can keep Ren fed and hydrated? Should I begin packing him a lunch when he goes off-ship?_

Hux tried not to let his emotions show. He straightened a bit.

“May I see him?”

_///_

Ren was sitting up in bed, chewing on ice and messaging someone on his comm. He had very few personal items stacked in a chair and on the bedside table. His lightsaber, whatever clothes they’d managed to save and his pendant.

“Ren,” Hux said stiffly. Ren looked to Hux, confused by the formality of his tone, then looked to the door. Ren gestured to shut it. He’d been moved to the other wing of the medic station, to the recovery units. Once Hux turned and saw the door was closed, his expression softened. He was at Ren’s side in moments, pressing kiss after kiss after kiss to Ren’s forehead.

“Ren,” he murmured over and over.

“I know,” Ren said.

“Ren,” Hux murmured, eyes closed, kissing Ren and breathing in the scent of his hair, “You perfect idiot.”

Hux hugged Ren close, huddled over him protectively, still not able to stop leaving kisses on the crown of his head.

“I know,” Ren said, “I’m ok.”

“Stabbed?” Hux asked, pulling back to look at his Ren, “For fuck’s sake. What were you doing? Knife fighting? Ambushing drug runners and smugglers? I’ve never even seen you hold a knife before.”

“Get into bed with me?” Ren asked, ignoring Hux’s questions and pulling back a corner of the blanket.

Hux eased into bed with Ren, Ren snuggling down into Hux’s side, not even bothering to take off his boots. Ren rested his head on Hux’s shoulder and Hux placed a kiss on his temple.

“I hate when you do this,” Hux said.

“Do what?”

“Leave the safety of our vessel, of our bed, to go on petty missions with those dreadful Knights of Ren. Or to go on any mission.”

Ren looked up at Hux. His eyes showed something Ren had never really seen in them before. _Fear._

“I like you this way,” Hux said, kissing Ren still, desperately, “Right where I can see you. All the time. I like you here with me. Not out in the galaxy getting stabbed.”

“Oh,” Ren said. Hux pulled him closer, being careful not to hurt him. Ren was tired, but he brushed up against Hux’s thoughts anyways. _Ren’s never leaving me. I’m never letting him leave here again. Maybe I’ll stab him once more so he can go on extended medical leave. Maybe I’ll falsify his mission report so he’s placed on probation indefinitely._

Ren liked the feeling of being wanted so badly that Hux was considering falsifying official First Order reports -- or, a little less endearing -- stabbing him. Ren had never really thought about it, but he realized now that never had to wonder if Hux was safe. Hux was rarely in danger. He never left the ship to fly across the galaxy and have lightsaber duels on the edges of cliffs. Ren never had to lay awake in their bed alone at night, worrying if Hux was going to come back alive, come back injured -- or even come back at all.

“I’m sorry,” Ren murmured into Hux’s neck. Hux held him so close that Ren could swear that he felt Hux shaking. _Fear._ “I’m sorry, Hux.”

_/// Present_

Poe traced the muscles on Ren’s torso with his fingertips. Ren was sitting slightly propped up in bed, Poe was on lying on his stomach, propped up on one elbow. They had one dim lamp still on, just enough for Poe to see, and appreciate seeing his Ren this way again - mostly naked and in bed next to him.

“Thank you for staying,” Ren said.

“Of course, baby,” Poe said, placing a kiss on the side of Ren’s torso, then immediately placing another three kisses there. He couldn’t _stop_ kissing Ren.

“Have you thought about what to say to him?” Poe asked. “To Hux? Or how to get the closure you need?”

Ren shook his head, then took it back.

“Well,” Ren said, “Yes. I’ve thought about it. I just don’t know what I’m going to say.”

Poe nodded, his eyes scanning Ren’s body again, taking it all in and coming to rest on Ren’s nipple. He wanted to place a kiss there, or even run his fingertips over it, but didn’t want Ren to think he was initiating sex -- already -- on their first night back in bed together.

“Do you want to _see_ him?” Poe asked.

Ren shrugged.

“I don’t know. I think so. I just want to say goodbye. To look him in his eyes and really tell him goodbye, you know?”

Poe nodded, tracing down the center line of Ren’s torso with his fingertips, “Yeah, baby. I know. It’s ok.”

Ren sighed. “Whatever,” he said, “That’s future Ben’s problem.”

Ren slid down beneath the blankets now and snuggled closer to Poe, burying his head in Poe’s neck and sniffing him there.

“Right now, I don’t want to think about him. I just want to fall asleep with you,” Ren said.

“Ok, baby,” Poe said, “Let me get the light.”

Ren pulled Poe closer, holding him there and turning of their last lamp without even a motion.

“When did we ever have to get up to turn off the lights?”

_/// Three Years Earlier_

Hux brought Ren another cup of ice chips and settled into bed next to him. Ren looked very much like the post-Starkiller Ren of the year before -- sitting up shirtless in bed while chewing on the ice chips Hux brought him -- only this time he wasn’t as badly injured and Hux was actually taking care of him as instructed.

“Thank you,” Ren said.

“You’re welcome,” Hux said, pressing a few kisses to Hux’s temple. “Need anything else?”

Ren shook his head, yawned a bit and snuggled down beneath the blankets. He munched on ice and they both watched a film on the Holoscreen. Hux loved feeling Ren here, tucked under his chin, shirtless and wounded, not going anywhere anytime soon. He technically only needed about two weeks of recovery, but that was two solid weeks they’d have to spend together -- more time than they normally had.

“Mm, Hux?” Ren asked, sitting up with a bit of urgency and looking over to the bedside table.

“Yeah?”

“Where’s the pendant? The one that I had at the medbay?” Ren’s eyes searched the room with a sudden desperation that surprised Hux.

“I think it’s with the bag of care supplies out on the table by the door,” Hux said.

“I’m going to check,” Ren said, moving from Hux and starting to swing his legs over the edge of the bed.

“No, no. Stay put. Rest. That’s what the medic said,” Hux said as he gently eased Ren back into bed and got up, “And she may very well kill me if I don’t properly care for you this time. I’ll go get it.”

Hux got up, leaving Ren with a kiss and went out to the living room. Ren heard some shuffling.

“Do you see it?” Ren asked after a few moments.

“No,” Hux said, “Are you sure it’s not in there?”

Ren’s eyes searched the room with greater urgency. He got out of bed now, slowly, to get a better look, wincing just a bit. Hux came back to the bedroom.

“No. No, no, no. Sit. Sit down, Ren,” Hux said.

“I need to find it,” Ren said.

“I’ll look for it,” Hux said, going over to Ren, taking him gently by the elbow and easing him back down into bed again, “I’ll find it for you.”

“I had it at the medbay right?” Ren asked and Hux could see Ren’s eyes calculating, retracing his every action and step, probably back to the moment when he was stabbed.

“Yes,” Hux said, “You had it at the medbay. I saw it there. It’s ok. I’ll go look for it, ok?”

Hux hadn’t seen Ren’s eyes this way. Big and bright, not with excitement or anger, but with fear. Hux smoothed down Ren’s hair and kissed the crown of his head.

“I’ll find it. You just rest, ok?” Hux said.

Ren nodded, but his body language didn’t relax.

“I’m going to check the medbay, ok?”

Ren nodded as he eagerly watched Hux silp on his shoes and leave the room.

///

Hux returned about ten minutes later, pendant in hand.

“We left it in the room, it’s ok,” Hux said, “They’d left it at the front desk for us.”

Ren smiled, his eyes lighting up. Hux smiled too, relieved to see the worried look gone from Ren’s face. Hux put the pendant around Ren’s neck like a well-earned, hard-fought medal and kissed his forehead. He climbed into bed next to Ren again and they both snuggled down under the blankets, their fingers finding each other.

“What is that anyways?” Hux asked nodding toward the pendant. It was a dark, rough, cylinder-shaped piece of stone, smooth to the touch but with complicated ridge lines like a sheer cliff-side. It was about the size of a thumb, both in width height. Where the stone broke off at the bottom, it was the color of gold, with flecks of green. It was wrapped in a tough silver wire and hung from a simple silver ball chain necklace.

“It’s a pendant.”

“I know it’s a pendant, Ren,” Hux said, “Why do you wear it? All the time? Under all your layers?”

“Because it’s important to me,” Ren said.

“Yes. I figured that,” Hux said with a frown, “What’s the significance?”

Ren nuzzled into Hux’s neck and Hux kissed his hair. _He’s hesitating,_ Hux realized.  

“It’s embarrassing,” Ren said softly.

“Well I hadn’t planned to broadcast news of your pendant at our next _Finalizer_ staff meeting.”

Ren sighed and hesitated still, then he spoke.

“It’s called black tourmaline. It’s a rare mineral, only found in the Outer Rim. It’s the toughest grounding stone, so it’s used to cut other rocks and minerals.”

Ren paused, snuggling further into Hux.

“It’s known to protect whoever’s wearing it from negativity or whatever and it’s supposed to be worn in like… challenging environments or significant times of hardship,” Ren spoke softly.

Hux kissed Ren’s hair.

“My dad went out and harvested it for me before I was born. He gave it to me when I turned five and my parents found out that I’d started having visions of Snoke.”

Hux was silent for a moment.

“Oh,” he finally said.

“Yeah,” Ren said.

They hadn’t yet talked about Ren’s family. At all.

“You always wear it?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded. Hux squeezed his fingers. They fell silent for a few minutes.

“Do you miss them?” Hux asked softly, “Your parents?”

Ren chewed on his lip, but didn’t say anything. They were silent for a moment.

“It sounds like he went through a lot to get you a single _pendant_?” Hux said and Ren could tell he was trying to find the logic behind traveling to the Outer Rim in search of the rare black tourmaline _._ Finally finding it, and then still having to go through the entire process of extracting it and making the journey back home.

“Did he love you?” Hux asked, his tone suggesting it was a _genuine_ question, “Your father?”

“Did my father love me?”

“Yeah?” Hux said.

“Yeah,” Ren said with a shrug, “Of course he loved me. He was my _father_. I was his son.”

Hux shrugged. “Hm,” he said.

“Did he ever tell you?” Hux asked, after some period of silence, “That he loved you?”

Ren sat up now to look at Hux’s eyes, trying to figure out where he was going with this line of questioning. “Of course he did,” Ren said, searching Hux’s eyes first, then his thoughts. _He’s confused. He can’t understand that my father loved me._

Ren pulled away once he found the answer he was looking for. _Hux’s father didn’t love him._

“You father loved you and so you _killed_ him?” Hux asked, then quickly added, “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to guilt trip you. I just … I don’t know. I’d kill to _have_ a father who loved me.”

Ren looked down.

“What happened?” Hux asked.

Ren shook his head, “I don’t want to talk about this,” he said softly and kissed Hux’s jaw, sliding back down to tuck his head in Hux’s neck, “Thank you for getting my pendant.”

“Ok,” Hux said, “I’m sorry. For bringing it up.”

“It’s ok,” Ren said.

They fell silent for a few minutes.

“Ren?”

“Hm?”

“What do you like being called?”

“What? What do I like being called?"

"Yeah. Like. As your name? I mean, I just… I always call you Ren, but it feels too … I don’t know. Formal?” Hux shrugged, “Does anyone call you by your first name? Does anyone call you Kylo?”

Ren shrugged, “No. Not really. A few people I knew in early training used to call me Kylo. But no one really does anymore.”

“Ok,” Hux said, “Would you like me to call you Kylo?”

Ren buried his nose in Hux’s neck. “Yes,” he said softly.

“Yes?”

Ren nodded.

“Ok,” Hux kissed Ren’s hair, “You could’ve said something sooner, you know?”

Ren shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

“ _Kylo,”_ Hux said with a smile, kissing Ren’s hair again, “My lovely _Kylo._ ”


	19. Archetypes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 19 SUMMARY: Ren and Poe are very comfortably settling back into their relationship. They talk a bit about the past and Poe helps Ren respond to Hux's messages -- a task he's been putting off. Flashback: Hux decides to be honest. He tells Ren how he really feels about him.

/// CHAPTER 19

Rey rolled her eyes and looked across the dinner table at Ren and Poe as she filled them in on the most promising students in her _Jedi Training II_ class. They were nodding here and there and listening politely to her, but mostly they were absorbed in each other.

“Two of my students, both girls, are even graduating early to move on to level three training,” Rey said as he picked at her field greens and looked up to see if either of them had even heard her.

“Hm?” Poe murmured, looking over the table at her as he sipped his wine.

“Two of her students are moving onto level three training early, babe,” Ren said as he held some buntu bread out in front of Poe’s lips. Poe ate the bread from Ren’s fingertips and then Ren tore a bite of bread off from the loaf for himself and chewed on it while Poe hugged his waist.

Ren was sitting on Poe’s lap while they ate dinner, his legs facing sideways because they were too long to fit under the table and one arm resting around Poe’s neck. Poe had his arms wrapped protectively around Ren’s waist, only releasing his grip to sip his wine from time to time. Ren was picking at the buntu bread, tearing it apart with his fingers and offering some to Poe every now and then. Poe ate it, still trying his best to listen to Rey.

“Oh. That’s great, babe,” Poe said, then caught himself, “I mean … Rey.”

Rey laughed, rolling her eyes at them and sipping her wine too.

“Did they pass the field test last week?” Ren asked as he forked some field greens and fed them to Poe, “The two girls who are graduating?”

“They did,” Rey responded as Poe kissed Ren’s jaw and muttered a _thank you_ , “Easily.”

“Oh, they’re girls?” Poe asked.

“Yeah, baby. She just said that,” Ren whispered to Poe.

“You know I can hear you even when you whisper,” Rey said. She’d warned them about that before.

“They passed it _easily_?” Ren asked, taking a bite of the greens and swallowing. Ren had designed the field test.

Rey nodded. “Easily.”

“What? Like,  _how_ easily?” Ren asked.

“You look so beautiful, baby,” Poe whispered, kissing Ren’s jaw again. Ren turned and their lips met in a kiss this time.

“Very easily. You can watch the hologram recording later,” Rey said, “And again, I can definitely hear you when you whisper. I’m like two feet away.”

Ren and Poe were still kissing.

Rey rolled her eyes again. “Do you two ever stop?”

“What?” Ren asked, breaking the kiss.

“Do you two ever stop?” Rey repeated.

“No, I heard that part. What’d you say before that?” Ren asked.

“You can watch the hologram recording later,” Rey said.

“The hologram recording of what?” Poe asked.

“The field test.”

“Oh, the one that the girls passed?” Poe asked in a whisper.

“Yeah, baby,” Ren said in a whisper, “She just said that. You need to listen.”

“Sorry,” Poe said and kissed Ren.

Rey sipped her wine as she watched them kiss. “You two are ridiculous.”

“What?” Poe asked, still kissing Ren.

“You two are ridiculous.”

Ren parted with a few more kisses and shrugged. “Sorry,” he said, “We’ll stop.”

“It’s ok,” Rey said, “It’s cute … sometimes.”

Ren sipped his wine and looked down to tear off more buntu bread for Poe. Admittedly, they’d both been a bit clingy over the last few weeks. Ren wasn’t interested in sex quite yet, but he was definitely interested in being as close to Poe as possible, as often as possible. Ren always sat in Poe’s lap while they ate breakfast and dinner, sharing a single plate and stealing kisses whenever they could between bites. Since they shared a plate, Poe had even began eating an animal-free diet to comply with Ren’s dietary preferences. They knew it was overbearing, but that didn’t stop them from constantly covering each other in kisses and holding hands and sneaking away to see each other during days at the base and cuddling up in bed together every night.

“A _bit_ clingy?” Rey asked with a smirk.

“Rey...” Ren said with a sigh and a roll of his eyes.

She laughed. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it.”

“Help what?” Poe asked.

“The volume of your thoughts is like … all the way turned up when you’re with Poe,” Rey said.

“What?” Poe asked.

“Don’t worry about it baby,” Ren said, kissing Poe’s wavy hair.

They were having dinner at Poe’s place that night instead of Leia’s. They had details to finalize for Han’s honorary birthday celebration next week, but Rey could sense that Ren was feeling uneasy about it -- about the party, about Han -- so she’d instead told them about her Jedi students to give Ren a few minutes to cope with his feelings.

“Do you want to go pick up the wine from the Outer Rim?” Poe asked Rey, rubbing Ren’s thigh a bit, “Or do you want us to? Or we could all go.”

Rey gave Poe a look, trying to communicate to him that Ren wasn’t in the mood to talk about the party.

“What? What’s that look for?” Poe asked.

“She’s avoiding talking about the party because she knows that I’m worried about it,” Ren said as he dipped buntu bread in the carrot soup and brought it to Poe’s lips. Poe ate it. 

“Oh,” Poe said around the bread in his mouth. He was constantly missing out on the dialogue happening in their minds.

“But it’s ok,” Ren said in response to her thoughts, “I don’t mind. We can talk about it.”

“Ok,” Rey said, stirring her soup to help it cool off, “I have more exams to administer over the next few days. I’m not sure when I could go.”

“Well, we can go get the wine, right, baby?” Ren asked.

“Yeah, of course,” Poe said, “If you want to. Whatever you want to do, baby.”

“Ok,” Ren said, turning to kiss Poe’s hair again, “I’d like that.”

///

_Hux: Are you ever going to respond to me?_

Ren tried to ignore the message as Poe’s fingers worked leisurely through his hair a couple hours after dinner.

_Hux: Because if you aren’t, that’s ok, but could you at least tell me that so can I stop wondering about it?_

Poe was wearing his reading glasses, sitting up in bed and working on some personnel paperwork for onboarding the pilots he’d just trained. The next step was to hand out their hangar assignments, squadron affiliations and finalize the reporting structure. He had to present the paperwork to the hiring board, Admiral Statura, Admiral Ackbar and Leia for approval the next day. He’d meant to do the assignments and paperwork last week when training wrapped, but he was too distracted with cuddling and kissing his Ren.

Poe was chewing on his pencil and using the hand that wasn’t tangled in Ren’s hair to sort through the stacks of papers. Ren was curled up next to him in a ball, facing him and poking through unread e-messages on his datapad. Another message from Hux.

_Hux: Kylo? Please?_

“Do you think Jess Pava’s squadron would be too large if I added four more pilots?” Poe asked.

_“Four more?”_

“Yeah.”

“She already has the biggest squadron,” Ren responded, glancing up at him, “Why not give two to her squadron and two to Nien Nunb?”

“I think Nien might be retiring soon.”

“Retiring?”

“Yeah, baby,” Poe said, “He’s old as fuck.”

Ren chuckled. “I didn’t know that.”

They fell silent again. Ren archived a few messages and then looked back up to Poe.

“Babe?” he said.

“Yeah, love?” Poe asked, pencil still between his teeth and his fingers still in Ren’s hair.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” he said, “In your glasses.”

Poe smiled and bent over to kiss him, tugging on his hair gently. “Thank you, baby.”

They fell silent again as Ren read over Hux’s messages.

“Babe?” Ren said again after a few moments.

“Hm?”

“Hux is still messaging me.”

“Well, you messaged him, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you haven’t been responding?”

“No. Not really.”

“Well, you need to finish what you started, baby,” Poe said gently, turning to look at him, “You want closure and you want to say goodbye to him. This is your chance. Just message him back, love.”

“I know,” Ren said with a sigh, “I just don’t know what to say.”

Poe took his glasses off. “Can I see? The messages?”

“Yeah,” Ren said, turning his datapad around so Poe could see. Poe scrolled through their message history.

“He’s in the Unknown Regions?” Poe asked.

“Apparently,” Ren said with a shrug.

“He calls you Kylo?”

“Yeah,” Ren said, “Sometimes.”

Ren rested his chin on Poe’s thigh.

“What do I say to him?”

“You should tell him what you want,” Poe said as he finished scrolling through their messages, “That you want closure.”

Ren sat up now, sitting back on his calves, knees wide. He extended his hand for the datapad. Poe gave it to him.

Poe went back to his papers as Ren chewed on his lip and thought about what to say to Hux. He typed a few sentences at a time, then deleted. Typed, then deleted.

“Will you do it?” Ren asked after a few minutes.

“Do what?” Poe asked with a smirk, “Ghost write messages to your ex-boyfriend?”

“Please?” Ren asked with a sigh.

“Seriously, baby?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what to say to him.”

“You’ve never messaged an ex before?”

“I’ve never had an ex before.”

“General Hux is your first ex?”

Ren nodded.

“Wow,” Poe sighed, taking his glasses off again, “Let me see it, baby?”

Ren handed the datapad back over. Poe typed something.

“Were you a virgin when you met Hux, baby?” Poe asked as he typed, looking over the tops of his glasses.

“No,” Ren said.

“Oh,” Poe said. He turned the datapad around so Ren could see what he’d typed.

_Ren: Hi, Hux. Yeah. I’m here._

“See, that was easy,” Poe said. Ren sighed and gave him approval to send. Hux responded immediately.

_Hux: Kylo? What took so long? Are you alright?_

Ren and Poe both read it.

“Now what?” Ren asked.

Poe rolled his eyes, smiling slightly and began typing again.

“Who’d you sleep with before Hux?” Poe asked as he typed.

“Other people,” Ren said.

“Other people, huh?” Poe said, looking over to Ren and smirking, “Don’t want to tell me who?”

Ren rolled his eyes and Poe showed him the message.

_Ren: Yeah, I’m ok. Just wasn’t sure what to say. Sorry._

Ren nodded and Poe sent it.

“Who’d you sleep with before me?” Ren asked.

“Other people,” Poe said. Ren’s datapad and comm both buzzed. Ren turned off notifications on his comm since they were using the datapad.

_Hux: That’s ok._

_Hux: Why’d you message me?_

“Now’s a good time to tell him why you messaged him, babe,” Poe said.

“Can you do it?” Ren asked.

Poe began typing.

“How many other people?” Ren asked as he watched Poe type, “Before me?”

“I don’t know,” Poe said, “Fifteen or 20.”

Ren showed Poe the message.

_Ren: I wanted to say goodbye._

“No,” Ren said shaking his head.

“No? Didn’t you message him because you wanted to say goodbye?”

“I do, but,” Ren said, “I don’t know. This seems. Harsh?”

“Harsh?”

“Blunt,” Ren corrected.

Poe, sighed, erased it and typed something else.

“How many other people for you, baby?”

“Twenty-six.”

Poe stopped typing and looked to Ren. _“Twenty-six?”_

“Yeah,” Ren said with a shrug, “I got around a lot when I was younger.”

 _"Damn_ ,” Poe said, “Clearly.”

 _"Clearly_ what?”

“Clearly you got around a lot when you were younger,” Poe said, “How do you know it was 26? Did you keep count?”

“I counted it up later,” Ren said.

Poe showed Ren the alternative message he’d typed.

_Ren: My head has cleared up a bit and I was just thinking about you. Wondering if you’re ok?_

Ren read it over. He nodded his approval. Poe sent it.

“You knew that my head has cleared up,” Ren said, more an observation than a question.

Poe shrugged. “Yeah,” he said, “Rey told me. And I know you’ve been having fewer visions of Snoke lately.”

Ren nodded.

“I just have them,” Ren said sinking back down under the covers, “When you’re not around. Visions of Snoke.”

“When I’m not around?” Poe asked, “Like, when I leave the room? Or when we’re not together for a few hours during the day?”

“No, like … when we aren’t _together.”_

“Oh,” Poe said. He leaned over to kiss Ren’s hair, “Well, we’re never not going to be together again, baby.”

Poe went back to his paperwork as Ren’s datapad buzzed.

_Hux: I’m doing fine. Are you alright? Your head has cleared up from … us? Or you’ve gotten used to being home?_

Ren read it, then showed it to Poe.

“You want me to respond, baby?” Poe asked, “Or can you take it from here?”

“I can do it,” Ren said, rolling over onto his back and setting the datapad down so it was propped up on his tummy.

_Ren: Yeah, something like that. What are you doing in the Unknown Regions? Are you … working?_

_Hux: We should talk. Could I give you a call?_

Ren looked up to Poe.

“He wants to talk,” Ren said, “Like … he wants to call me.”

“When? Right now?” Poe asked, the pencil between his teeth again.

_Ren: When? Right now?_

_Hux: No, I can’t talk now, but could I call you tomorrow?_

“He wants to talk tomorrow,” Ren said.

“That’s good,” Poe said, “I think you should talk to him, babe.”

Ren sighed and turned back over on his side and curled up closer to Poe. He buried his head next to Poe’s hip. Poe bent over to kiss him.

“What’s wrong, love?” Poe asked.

“I don’t know if I can talk to him.”

“Well you need to. You can’t keep putting this off,” Poe said, his tone a bit more stern. He took off his glasses and looked down at Ren. “Just talk to him. Say what you need to say. Tell him goodbye.”

Ren sighed.

“It’s just hard,” he said, “Saying goodbye to someone you loved.”

“I know it’s hard, baby,” Poe said and bent over to kiss him, “But I know you want closure. And I want closure for you. So, please? Call him tomorrow?”

Ren nodded. “Fine.”

“What happened, baby?” Poe asked after a few moments, “Are you ever going to tell me how it ended with Hux?”

Ren sighed, snuggling closer to Poe and nodding gently.

“Yeah,” he said, “Just not now.”

“Ok,” Poe said.

“Ok,” Ren said.

They were silent for a few moments while Ren typed a reply.

_Ren: Yeah, that’s fine. We can talk tomorrow._

“So, 26, huh?” Poe asked with a smirk. Ren glanced up at him.

“You’re surprised.”

“I am.”

“So was Hux,” Ren said, “But it wasn’t really 26 then.” Ren sat up now and faced Poe, inspecting his eyes. “You think I’m a slut.”

“I don’t,” Poe said.

“You do.”

“I don’t,” Poe said.

“You do.”

“I don’t. I swear.”

They were quiet for a few moments. Poe shifted some papers.

“Ok. Maybe just a bit,” Poe admitted, looking back up to Ren. A smile formed on Ren’s lips.

“You never would’ve guessed would you?” Ren asked somewhat triumphantly, sliding back down under the blankets.

“Well,” Poe said, thinking a bit, “You do give really good head.”

Ren laughed. “What, and that’s the hallmark of being a slut?”

“ _Really_ good head,” Poe clarified.

“Well thank you, baby.”

“Mmm, but you’re mine now,” Poe said, bending over to kiss Ren, “All mine.”

_/// Three Years Earlier_

Ren held Hux strongly in his arms, the water beating down on his back as he fucked Hux hard and fast against the shower wall. Hux had his legs wrapped around Ren’s waist and his arms tight around Ren’s neck.

“Last day,” Ren said with a smirk. Hux’s eyes fluttered open.

“What?” he asked, his breath heavy in his lungs.

“It’s your last day of shower sex.”

 _“What?”_ Hux asked.

“It’s been ten weeks to the day,” Ren said.

Hux rolled his eyes, exhaling a strong breath.

“Ten weeks to the day?”

“Yeah,” Ren said, shifting Hux in his arms and then pressing him against the wall again.

“Wait, wait. Kylo. Stop,” Hux said. Ren stopped, letting Hux come to rest down on his cock.

“You’ve actually been counting?”

“Yeah,” Ren said, “Of course. How else would I know when ten weeks are up?”

Hux sighed, shifting his weight a bit with Ren deep inside of him, wiggling against the wall and tightening his legs around Ren’s waist.

“You know, if you _really_ dislike shower sex so much, you could’ve said so.”

“It’s ok,” Ren said with a shrug.

“Ok?” Hux asked.

“Yeah. It’s ok,” Ren said.

“What’s ok?”

“The shower sex. The whole contract,” Ren said, growing irritated, “You knew I didn’t like shower sex, so you used it as a bargaining chip.”

" _Contract?”_ Hux sighed again, “Let me down please, Ren.”

Ren gently lifted Hux from his cock and placed him back on his feet slowly, giving his legs time to unbend and support his weight.

“You know I would’ve just _given_ you the _Star Destroyer_ if you really wanted me to.”

“Then why didn’t you say that?”

“I thought it was implied,” Hux said, “I thought you knew you could just have it if you really wanted?”

Ren looked at him, awaiting an explanation.

“You’ve honestly, _seriously_ , been counting down the days until you could stop fucking me in the shower?”

Ren shrugged. “I guess?”

Hux opened the shower door, grabbed his towel and stepped out.

“Hux?” Ren called after him. Ren got out of the shower too.

“What’s wrong?” Ren asked.

“You’ve really just been forcing yourself to fuck me?” Hux asked as he secured the towel around his waist, “Adhering strictly to the terms of a business contract?”

“What? No,” Ren said, “I like fucking you. Just not in the shower.”

“Then why didn’t you say something?” Hux asked.

“I thought you knew.” Ren said.

“I thought you were only joking about how much you disliked it,” Hux said as he dried his hair with another towel, “I thought it was just a pleasant setup for consistent morning sex.”

Ren just stood naked, dripping all over the bathroom floor as he watched Hux dry off.

“You’re upset with me?” Ren asked.  

“You’re dripping everywhere and making a mess. Get a towel,” Hux said, looking at Ren out of the side of his eye as he lathered his face with shaving cream. Ren sighed, grabbing a towel from the rack, wrapping it around his waist and tucking it there.

“You’re upset that I don’t like shower sex?” Ren asked.

“I’m not upset, Kylo. I just wanted to do something different,” Hux said as he began shaving.

“Something different?”

“Yes. Something different.”

“You’re bored with me? We’ve only been fucking each other for a year and you’re already bored with me?”

“I’m not bored with you. I just want to keep things interesting to ensure we _don’t_ get bored anytime soon.”

Ren rolled his eyes. It was  _so Hux_ to proactively prepare for and troubleshoot issues that weren’t even issues yet.

“And shower sex is exciting?”

“I didn’t say it was exciting, I said it was different.”

“If you wanted to do something different why didn’t you just tell me that?”

Hux shaved his face carefully.

“I didn’t want to have to be explicit about it. I wanted it to be implied. Hence the shower sex in exchange for your silly _Star Destroyer_.”

“Well, I’m not always good at reading between the lines. We should just be honest with each other,” Ren said.

“Be honest with each other?” Hux asked, examining his reflection in the mirror carefully to take stock of his progress.

“Yeah,” Ren said, slightly bracing himself for what Hux might say next.

Hux carefully continued shaving his face.

“Honestly, Kylo?”

“Yeah.”

“Honestly, I’m crazy about you.”

Ren felt a chill in his spine.

“I think you’re terribly beautiful and complicated and interesting and intriguing. I never tire of you. When I’m near you, the air feels electric, like it’s buzzing around us.”

Hux’s hands were steady, still carefully holding the straight razor and shaving in smooth, clean lines.

“When I’m inside of you, or you’re inside of me, I feel like the star systems have aligned and everything in the galaxy is in its proper working order. Falling asleep with you and waking up next to you is better each day.”

Ren’s tongue felt too heavy to speak.

“And all of this awful, archetypal relationship shit terrifies me because I don’t want to fall in love or to be in love and I hadn’t ever planned on doing so, but of all the things in the galaxy I can control, you, and my feelings for you apparently aren’t among them,” Hux said as he finished shaving and looked at Ren.

“What? What are you saying?” Ren asked.

“What am I saying?”

Ren nodded.

“You really don’t know?”

Ren shook his head. He looked at Hux, his wet, messy red hair, his clean shaven face, still with a few lines of shaving cream, shirtless, with a towel around his waist. Hux’s eyes, somewhere between blue and green, were searching Ren’s face for a reaction.

Hux rinsed his face and used a towel to dry it. “I love you, Kylo.”

/// Present

_Hux: Ok. I’ll call you at 0700 if that’s not too early? I know you how much you love mornings._

_Hux: I can’t wait to talk to you, Kylo._

Ren read the messages from the night before again as Poe brewed their breakfast tea and stirred the oats. The sun was rising, so there was still dew dotting the plot of grass in Poe’s small backyard garden and the morning light filtered in softly through the kitchen windows. BB-8 was a surprisingly grumpy morning droid. He sat in other room, listening to news and beeping complaints about recent droid manufacturing legislation.

“You hungry, baby?” Poe murmured, his voice still coated with sleep. He wasn’t a morning person either. Ren looked at him, dressed only in a pair of tight, grey underwear with a visible morning bulge. His dark wavy hair was messy from sleep and there was a slight chill in the air, so his nipples were erect. Ren looked him over, then crossed the room to stand behind Poe and wrap his arms around his waist, pulling him close and placing a kiss on his neck.

“You won’t leave me right? While I’m talking to Hux?”

Poe turned around in Ren’s arms and met his lips in a kiss. Ren loved the feeling of Poe’s forever five o'clock shadow on his skin. Ren ran his fingers through Poe’s hair and looked into his dark eyes.

“Of course I won’t leave you, baby,” Poe said, sliding his arms around Ren’s waist, his fingers lacing at the small of his back and pulling him close.

“Thank you,” Ren said, and kissed Poe’s forehead, “Thank you for being so ok with this whole thing.”

“You’re welcome,” Poe said, reaching up to kiss his nose.

He still had 15 minutes until Hux was due to call.

“Are you hungry, love?” Poe asked again as the tea kettle whistled. Ren shook his head as Poe released his grip. Poe turned and removed the kettle from the flame, killed the gas and poured water for Ren’s tea anyways. They sat at the table, Ren on Poe’s lap and his eyes anxiously fixed on his comm. He turned his tea mug in circles on the table.

It rang ten minutes early. Poe looked up at him. Ren looked down at his comm and swallowed.

“It’s him?”

“It’s him,” Ren said with a nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy fuck. Are you guys still there? I'm sorry to make you wait so long for this update. Life has been crazy. Work is stupid busy and I'm having some minor medical issues (eating disorder relapse and stress fractures/chronic tendonitis in both legs) so I've spent a good amount of time at doctor's offices and in imaging labs and in therapy and having to do tedious recovery shit like meditating and diffusing negative thoughts and reading books about how to stop being crazy. The good news is that the tedious recovery shit is working and I'm doing better.
> 
> This fic is probably going to be about 22 or 23 chapters based on everything I have written so far. I've been adding a lot in when I do revisions, so it's getting longer. I'm so so so so excited about it! It's been my saving grace. I hope you all like it! Let me know what you think!
> 
> I still have a lot of appointments to make after work in the evenings, so it's unlikely that I'll be able to post more than one chapter a week, but I'll do my best!


	20. Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 20 SUMMARY: Ren talks to Hux for the first time in a year. Hux asks if he could see Ren again. Poe and Ren decide what to do about Hux, have sex for the first time since the cuffs and talk about the future. Flashback: Ren and Hux vow to never let the circumstances of the First Order trump their relationship. A year down the road, times are difficult and Ren returns to the Finalizer after a prolonged absence with a surprise for Hux.

Ren and Hux stood side-by-side in front of Supreme Leader Snoke. During a recent mission, Ren had come upon some intel that the Resistance was planning an attack on a _Star Destroyer_ they’d just deployed to the northern reaches of the Unknown Regions to check on the early progress of the new _Starkiller Base-esque_ weapon. Ren was suggesting that if it continued on its current course, it would soon be within range for the Resistance to lock onto its location. He advised that they turn the _Star Destroyer_ around immediately and send out TIE fighters to escort the ship back.

Hux didn’t trust Ren’s intel and didn’t at all care for his suggestions or advice when it came to how to conduct _his_ fleet and operations. Supreme Leader Snoke listened to Hux’s argument. Hux claimed there was no evidence that the Resistance was tracking their movements, or that they’d deployed any X-Wing fighters at all -- especially geared toward the coordinates of the  _Star Destroyer_ or base. Hux believed the intel was false, intended only to get them to deploy TIE fighters so that the Resistance could then follow those to the _Star Destroyer_ , dismantle it, destroy the base and take out their fighters while they were at it.

Beneath his helmet, Ren was fuming. Hux gloated as he spoke, dispelling Ren’s evidence point-by-point with his wry smile and arrogant posture. Ren felt the blood rush to his face. Just a few hours hours ago, Hux had looked at Ren like he was the only thing in the galaxy that truly mattered. Hux had _just_ declared his love for him. Yet now here he was, treating Ren like he always had, degrading his capabilities and questioning the quality and validity of his intel in front of their Supreme Leader.

“This _Star Destroyer_ mission was kept under the most stringent classification status,” Hux continued, “The only way Ren could’ve come upon this intel was from myself, or Captain Phasma who is overseeing this mission. Even the crew on board hasn’t yet been made aware of the real purpose of the deployment. I don’t know what Ren’s intentions are with presenting this alleged intel.”

“Don’t know what my intentions are?” Ren said, turning to look at Hux, “My intentions are to protect the First Order, General. Could you be more clear about what you’re implying?”

“You’ve been known to intertwine your personal interests in causes of the First Order.”

“So you’re suggesting that I invented this intel … to do what exactly?”

“I can’t imagine what you intended to do with this intel, but whatever it is, I can’t allow it to happen. Not with the shortage of TIE fighters and stormtroopers we’re currently facing,” Hux said first smugly to Ren, then turning back to Snoke’s hologram and making his tone more respectable, “Supreme Leader, we can’t act on this intel. Scrambling the TIE fighters would only create unnecessary activity that could draw the Resistance to us.”

“You’re willing to risk the _Star Destroyer_ , the crew on board, Captain Phasma and the location of the new base because you think my intel is invalid, just because it’s coming from _me?_ ”

“Precisely.”

In a swift motion, Ren unlatched his helmet and took it off, tucking it by his side. His eyes burned into Hux.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“If you’re taking off your helmet and cursing in order to intimidate me, Ren, it makes no difference,” Hux said, “My mind is made up.”

Snoke looked on, moderately surprised, as Hux and Ren glared at each other.

“General,” Snoke said.

“Yes, Supreme Leader?” Hux said, turning and straightening.

“Ren’s intel is sound. I feel it,” Snoke said, straightening in his seat, “Contact the _Star Destroyer_ at once. Tell Captain Phasma the mission is off. Deploy the TIE fighters to escort the destroyer back to the _Finalizer_ as Lord Ren has advised.”

“Supreme Leader, with all due respect, I don’t-”

“General,” Snoke said roughly, his tone short, “ _My_ mind is made up. You will call off the mission at once and report in to me once the ship has returned.”

Hux swallowed. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

“And, Lord Ren,” Snoke said. Ren straightened.

“Yes, Supreme Leader?”

“Don’t remove your helmet unless instructed.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Ren said.

Ren waited until his helmet was back on to let a smile of satisfaction creep across his lips. Snoke, disappeared, leaving them plunged in silence and darkness.

“I can feel you smirking under there, Kylo,” Hux said, turning sharply on his heels and using his comm to summon Lieutenant Mitaka.

“If it weren’t for Snoke, you’d never listen to me, General,” Ren said.

“That’s because you’re typically wrong,” Hux said as they exited the chamber.

“Wrong?” Ren asked.

“Typically, yes.”

“General Hux?” It was Lieutenant Mitaka.

“Contact Captain Phasma. Tell her the mission is off, effective immediately. Deploy the second division of TIE fighters to escort the destroyer back to the _Finalizer_ ,” Hux spoke quickly while he walked.

“Yes, General. Anything else?”

“That’ll be all,” Hux said, dismissing him.

“So you don’t think I’ve added anything to _your_ work here, General?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ren. I didn’t say that,” Hux said.

Ren sighed, his helmet making the noise sound even more dramatic.

“Can I talk to you, please?”

“We are currently talking, Ren."

“Privately.”

Hux sighed. They dipped into a conference room and Ren shut the doors, removing his helmet.

“Why are you doing this?” Ren asked.

“Don’t remove your helmet unless instructed,” Hux said smugly.

“Why are you doing this?” Ren yelled, ignoring Hux’s remark.

“Doing what?” Hux asked.

“Questioning my intel and methods in front of Snoke!”

“I’m always questioning your intel and methods in front of Snoke. And don't raise your voice at me.”

“Yeah,” Ren said, “Which I always thought you did because you hated me. But now you’ve decided you love me and I just thought you wouldn’t be so … brash. I thought maybe you’d treat me differently. Like, maybe with an ounce of respect?”

Hux stared at him.

“Ren. I can’t allow my personal feelings for you to interfere with my job,” Hux said.

“I’m not asking for special treatment. Just respect. The _most basic level_ of respect.”

Hux sighed. “Kylo,” he said softly, “I love you and I'll be more respectful, but you can’t make every First Order argument about our personal life.”

Ren nodded. "Fine," he said. 

“Ok?” Hux asked, he took Ren’s face in his hands.

Ren nodded. “Ok,” he said.

“You look so beautiful when you’re angry at me,” Hux said, leaning in to kiss Ren, slowly and carefully, 

Ren gave Hux a slight roll of the eyes as they kissed again, Hux’s fingers tangling in Ren’s hair and pulling a little.

“We didn’t finish,” Hux said, parting their lips, “This morning. In the shower.”

Ren smiled, “Yeah, well, it was your last day of shower sex and you called it off before we _could_ finish.”

“Well, we can finish now,” Hux said and kissed Ren, “I’ll allow you substitute the final installment of shower sex for conference room sex.”

_/// Present_

“Hux?” Ren asked, looking down at his comm on the kitchen table.

“Hello, Ren,” Hux responded on the other end.

 _“Hux?”_ Ren said again, not quite able to believe it.

“Yes. Hello, Ren,” Hux said again.

“Hi, Hux.”

They fell silent. Poe kissed Ren’s bare shoulder. Hux was on speaker so Poe could hear too.

 _“_ _Kylo,”_ Hux said, and it sounded like he was smiling, “How are you?”

“I’m ok,” Ren said, “How are you?”

“I’m well.”

Again, silence.

“I miss you,” Hux said. Ren chewed on his lip and looked away from Poe. Hux’s voice still sounded so familiar and close to him. It was comforting to Ren to hear his name coming off of Hux’s tongue with the sharp, crisp accent he hadn’t heard in awhile.

“How’s Cronoe? Are you alright?” Hux asked.

“Yes, I’m ok. Cronoe is nice. It’s nice to be back home with my mom.”

“Good,” Hux said, “I’m glad you’re well.”

Again, silence.

“You’re in the Unknown Regions?”

“I am,” Hux said.

“What are you doing there?”

Ren asked, slightly afraid of the answer. “Are you working … or… ?”

“Yes, I’m working I suppose. I’m engaging in peace talks with the New Republic mostly.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I’m engaging in peace talks with the New Republic,” Hux repeated.

“No, I heard you. Sorry, it’s just,” Ren shook his head, “Peace talks. With the New Republic.”

“Yes,” Hux said.

“Are you still the general?”

“No, Ren, I’ve been demoted to Squad Leader.”

 _“What?_ Squad Leader? _”_

“I’m kidding. Yes, I’m still the general.” Hux said with a sigh, “More or less. Though it’s quite a lot different these days.”

Ren looked to Poe. Their eyes were wide. They both put two and two together.

“Are you talking to the _general_ of the New Republic, then?”

“Yes, of course,” Hux said with a sigh,  “I speak to your mum almost daily and have been doing so for the last year.”

Ren went silent again. He looked to Poe. Poe looked back at Ren.

“You talk to my _mother?_ Every day?”

“Yes, just about,” Hux said, “She’s dreadfully difficult and stubborn, Ren. I now know where you get it. She’s lovely though. Awfully fierce. Brilliant personality.”

“Does she … has she ever mentioned me?”

“No. We’ve not talked about you.”

“Have you _met her_?”

“Yes. Several times,” Hux said, “Very handsome woman. Terribly smart. She attends all the Peace Summit meetings on Coruscant. We often talk peace strategy over afternoon tea during the summits."

 _Holy fuck,_ Ren mouthed to Poe. _What the fuck_ , Poe mouthed back.

“And you didn’t bother tell me?” Ren asked, “That you’ve been working with my mom?”

“I attempted to contact you, but your First Order comm number is no longer active. And you didn’t have a personal comm when I knew you. And I figured when you were ready to talk to me you’d reach out.”

“Does my mom know? About us?”

“I don’t know. We don’t meet at Peace Summits or have intergalactic conference calls to talk about my past lovers. You’ve not come up in conversation. Not everything is about you, you know.”

Ren sighed. How had he not come up in conversation? His absence seemed like a gaping hole that both the New Republic and whatever the First Order now called itself certainly had to address. Surely his mom had sensed something was going on between himself and Hux. Why hadn’t she asked him about it? How had he not picked up on this? He didn’t want to pry too much in his mother’s thoughts, but this seemed too large for him to have missed.

“Why did you message me?” Hux asked, taking Ren out of his line of thought.

Poe gave Ren a look and hugged his waist, then kissed his shoulder again. Ren brushed against his mind. _Be honest, baby._

“I wanted to,” Ren began, then stopped. He looked to Poe.

 _Baby._ Poe’s eyes pleaded with Ren.

“I wanted to say goodbye to you,” Ren said softly, “We never really got to say goodbye to each other. Properly, you know.”

“Oh,” Hux said, his tone stoic, but Ren knew that he was trying to hide his surprise.

“Yeah,” Ren said. Poe kissed his neck.

“Alright,” Hux said.

They fell silent.

“I want to see you, Kylo,” Hux said.

“Oh,” Ren said, “Uh…”

“I really want to see you,” Hux said again.

Ren and Poe’s eyes met.

“Just once more?” Hux asked, “To say goodbye.”

Poe nuzzled his nose in Ren’s neck and held his waist protectively.

“I’m sorry. I know it might not be easy. Or even feasible,” Hux said, “I just … the last time we saw each other, when we said goodbye at Undu, it was just so truncated and I’d like to see you. To say goodbye properly ... if that’s what you want.”

“Um,” Ren said, looking to Poe to try to decipher his thoughts. Poe shrugged. _I_ _don’t know,_ he mouthed.

“I need to think about it,” Ren said.

“Alright,” Hux said.

“Ok,” Ren said.

“Ok,” Hux said.

They were silent for a few moments.

“Well, I have a meeting with your mum,” Hux said, “In less than an hour. And she’s quite upset with me over a botched trade negotiation, so I should probably begin composing an apology of sorts.”

“Oh,” Ren said, “Ok.”

“Let me know what you decide?” Hux asked, “About meeting?”

“Ok,” Ren said.

“Ok. Goodbye, Kylo.”

“Goodbye, Hux.”

///

“I just feel like I should’ve known that my mom was in contact with Hux,” Ren chided himself as he rinsed off in the small shower stall with Poe.

“How were you supposed to know, baby?” Poe asked as he lathered shampoo in his hair and tried to pretend that he wasn’t getting hard.

“I just should’ve known. I should’ve felt it. Or at the very least should’ve figured it out before now.”

Poe tried to sympathize, but mostly was just looking at the water running over Ren’s bare chest, down his torso and winding around his hips, pelvis and legs in elongated droplets.

“I mean, _of course_ my mom, the general, would have to talk to her opposite.”

“Well you didn’t know that Hux was still general,” Poe murmured, his eyes focused on Ren’s full, pink lips now.

Ren sighed. “What else would he be doing?”

They switched positions so could Poe could rinse his hair and Poe’s knees nearly buckled when the front of their naked, wet bodies brushed against each other.

“So do you want to see him?” Poe asked, turning to face Ren, and shutting his eyes, letting the water run over his face and wishing it were about 20 degrees cooler.

“I don’t know,” Ren said, “I think so.”

Poe wiped his eyes and opened them.

“What do you think?” Ren asked, “What do you think I should do?”

“I think you should see him.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Poe said, “Closure.”

Ren nodded, opening the shower stall door and reaching for his towel.

“You done, baby?” Poe asked. Ren nodded and stepped out. Poe considered quietly jerking off -- with Ren just on the other side of the mostly see-through shower door. At this point, it would just take a few strokes, but Poe decided that was probably definitely too desperate. Instead, he shut off the water and grabbed his towel and got out. They both towel-dried their hair.

“I want you to come,” Ren said.

“To _come_?” Poe asked.

“Yeah. To see Hux.”

“Oh,” Poe said.

“It’d make me feel better,” Ren said, “About going to see him. If you were there. If that’s ok?”

“Yeah, of course,” Poe said, “Of course I’ll go with you, baby.”

They both finished drying their hair and brushed their teeth, then shaved and washed their faces.

“I’m sorry,” Ren said softly as they looked in the mirror at each other and dried their faces.

“Sorry for what, love?” Poe asked.

“I know that you really wanted to have sex with me just now. In the shower.”

“No. Baby,” Poe said, turning around. Ren turned to meet him. “It’s ok. Don’t feel bad.”

Ren leaned in and kissed Poe slowly, gently biting down on his bottom lip when he let go.

“I’m ready,” Ren said, “To have sex with you again.”

“Yeah?” Poe asked.

"Yeah," Ren confirmed.

Poe nodded quickly, “Yeah, yeah. Of course. Me too.”

“I know you are,” Ren said with a chuckle, running his hand over Poe’s semi-hard erection beneath the towel, “Let’s do it tonight? So we can take our time?”

Poe stifled a moan at feeling Ren's fingers graze over his erection. “Yeah. That sounds great, baby. Only if you’re sure you’re ready?”

“I’m sure,” Ren said with a nod.

Poe smiled and leaned up to kiss Ren’s nose.

“Ok. I love you,” Poe said.

“I love you too,” Ren said, again running his hand over Poe’s erection, “But in the meantime…”

Ren maintained eye contact with Poe as he slowly sunk down to his knees and unwrapped the towel from around Poe’s waist.

“Ben,” Poe said softly, eyes focused on Ren’s full pink lips again, “You don’t have to … um, you don’t have to do this, baby.”

“But you're just getting so _hard,"_ Ren said, kneeling and admiring Poe, “Can I?”

“Fuck. Yes. Of course, baby.”

Ren took Poe in his mouth, with Poe going from mostly hard to completely hard in Ren’s mouth in just a few moments. Ren carefully and competently sucked Poe, his head bobbing slowly, his eyes closed, enjoying every second of his lips engulfing Poe. Poe had placed a hand behind him on the countertop to brace himself and let his head fall back. The other hand gently tangled in Ren’s hair, not tugging, just holding. Ren hummed, liking the feeling of Poe’s fingers in his hair.

“Fuck,” Poe said softly, “Baby.”

Ren hummed again. He slowly and easily took Poe to the back of his throat a few times and Poe felt his muscles tense and his cock twitch in Ren’s mouth.

“Baby,” Poe murmured. Ren hummed a response, both of their eyes closed and Poe’s fingers now tugging just a little bit.

Outside of the door, BB-8 beeped.

“Fuck,” Poe said quietly. BB-8 was still beeping at them, wanting to know what they were still doing in there.

“One second, bud,” Poe managed to say. Ren hummed something that resembled a chuckle. BB-8 beeped a few more times, waiting for a response, got none and wheeled away.

Poe took Ren at the back of his throat again and Poe moaned.

“Fuck,” Poe said again, “Ben. I’m going to come, babe.”

Ren nodded, opening his eyes to meet Poe’s. Poe looked down, their eyes locked as Poe came into Ren’s mouth. Ben swallowed, wiped the corners of his mouth, smiled, then stood up, Poe’s eyes following him the whole time. They kissed, then they both brushed their teeth again and then went out to the bedroom to get dressed.

When they entered the bedroom, BB-8 was still grumpy, wheeling around their feet and complaining that his cells felt too drained to go into the base that day. Normally, Poe didn’t tolerate this behavior from BB-8, but he was in an exceptionally good mood now.

“Well then stay home, bud,” Poe said with a simple shrug, “I’ll run the _Antilles Intercept_ with another BB unit.”

BB-8 fired back, then wheeled out of the room.

“Babe?” Ren poked his head out of the closet.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe we could meet Hux somewhere in the middle when we go to the Outer Rim to get the wine for party?”

Poe had wrapped his towel back around his waist and was poking through their underwear drawer, trying to decipher Ren’s underwear from his own.

“Yeah,” Poe said, “That’s a good idea, babe.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I think that makes sense,” Poe said, lifting a pair of underwear, “Mine or yours?”

“Yours,” Ren said, crossing the room and kissing Poe a few times on the lips. Ren was pretty sure that Poe didn’t _really_ think that stopping off to see his ex was a "good idea," but the post-orgasm high certainly made it seem so. “Thank you, baby.”

“Of course, love,” Poe said as BB-8 wheeled back in. He beeped an apology.

“It’s ok, bud,” Poe said as he shut the underwear drawer, “You want to go to the Outer Rim with us? Make it a family trip?”

_/// Three Years Earlier_

Ren and Hux were close to finishing up in the conference room when their comms both went off at the same time. Ren had Hux laid out on the table. Hux’s pants, jacket, turtleneck and boots had quickly been discarded somewhere on the floor. Ren had taken off just enough of his layers to fuck Hux, leaving his gloves on because he knew how much Hux liked the feeling of leather on his skin. Hux had wanted it particularly hard and rough, so Ren had worked up a bit of a sweat on his forehead and under his layers, his leathered fingers digging into Hux’s hips as he held him in place on the table. Hux opened his eyes, searching the room for their comms.

“Kylo. _Ouch. Fuck_ ,” Hux said as Ren fucked him into the table, “I think we should check that.”

Ren stopped and bent over to kiss Hux’s chest, “Sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“I’m ok. We should check that.”

Ren pulled out gently and helped Hux sit up, an arm around his lower back. Ren kissed his forehead, “Did I hurt you?”

“No, I’m alright,” Hux said, his eyes scanning the room, “Do you see my comm?”

“I have mine,” Ren said, searching what was left of his layers, “It’s just. You said ouch?”

“Well, it hurt a bit. You’re very large … and just so … wide. And you were being quite rough,” Hux said, “Where’s your comm?”

“It’s somewhere,” Ren patted himself down, “I thought you wanted me to be rough?”

Hux saw his comm on the floor next to his pants and hopped off of the table to get it. He read the message first. 

“Fuck,” he said, “Oh, fuck. Shit. _Fuck, fuck fuck._ ”

“What is it?” Ren asked, turning. Hux was hurriedly getting dressed.

“Fuck, fuck. Shit. Fuck,” Hux said as he fastened his pants and slipped on his shirt, then his jacket.

Ren found his comm. “Fuck,” he said when he read the alert.

Hux quickly put on his jacket and belt, then smoothed his hair down as he began responding to the messages he’d missed. They hadn’t turned the _Star Destroyer_ around quickly enough. The Resistance had locked onto their position and had engaged the TIE fighters in battle. The _Star Destroyer_ had lost two out of three of its canons and had few defense mechanisms left. The only good thing to come of it had been that they were far enough out of range of the base to lead the resistance there, but they nonetheless now had an idea of where to look.

“Fuck. You were right, love,” Hux said quickly before exiting the room.

///

Ren and Hux laid in bed later that night, on their backs, staring at the ceiling. They’d turned out the lights nearly a half hour earlier, intending to sleep, but neither one of them could. The _Star Destroyer_ had made it back in one piece, along with most of the crew, but their already damaged and depleted TIE fighter fleet had returned even more so. Snoke was furious with Hux for not acting on Ren’s intel immediately. The hour or so they delayed in conferring with Snoke had given the Resistance enough time to attack.

“Hux?” Ren said softly.

“What?”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No,” Hux said, “Why would I be mad at you?”

“I don’t know,” Ren said.

They fell silent.

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, love,” Hux said.

“It’s ok,” Ren said.

Ren rolled over on his side and looked at Hux.

“Hux?”

“Yes?”

“We won’t let the First Order come between us right?” Ren asked softly.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, our arguments and fights and Snoke won’t affect our personal relationship?”

Hux turned to look at Ren.

“Of course not,” Hux said.

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise,” Hux said and Ren snuggled close, burying his head in Hux’s neck.

“I’ve never really cared about anyone much before you,” Ren said.

Hux turned to face Ren and ran a few fingers over his back, up and down the notches of his spine. Ren relaxed into his touch.

“I’ve not really cared for anyone either,” Hux said, resting his chin on Ren’s head.

They were silent for a few moments.

“I’ll love and care for you forever,” Hux said softly, kissing Ren’s hair, “No matter what. I promise to love you forever.”

Ren looked up at Hux and their eyes met.

“Whatever happens with the First Order, whatever happens with the galaxy and the Resistance it doesn’t matter. I’ll love you forever, Kylo.”

Ren buried his face in Hux’s neck again, smiling there. Hux held him close and tight.

“I love you,” Ren said, “I love you _so much_. I’ll love you forever, too.”

_/// Present_

Poe fucked Ren gently, looking down at his beautiful, naked boyfriend, legs open wide for him and his dark hair framing his face in a mess on the pillow. They’d really only just started using the word _boyfriend_ to publicly describe their relationship about a week earlier, when Poe had explained to his squadron that he was dating Ben Solo. Word had slowly made its way around the base from there. The response so far was mostly positive. Poe interlaced his fingers with Ren’s lifting his arm above his head a bit and angling his thrusts to elicit new moans from him.

Ren had his legs wrapped around Poe’s waist, close and tight with his ankles locked. Poe fucked him at a sweet, careful, intimate pace, pulling out almost all the way before going back in and bending over to kiss him as often as possible. They hadn’t had sex in almost a month and had both been aching for each other all day long following the post-shower blowjob.

“I love you so much,” Poe said, looking down at Ren.

“I know you do, babe. I love you too,” Ren said in a breathy voice, opening his eyes to look at Poe. He couldn’t help but intrude on Poe’s mind a little while they fucked -- not much, just enough to know that Poe loved the _boyfriend_ bit, that he was feeling quite possessive of Ren and that he was already on the verge of orgasm. Ren smiled up at his boyfriend, the dark wavy hair that fell over his face, and the hand that he’d use to push it back with every now and then, his scruffy stubble and his passionate eyes.  

“I’ve missed you,” Ren murmured, “I’ve missed this.”

“I know. I’m sorry, baby,” Poe said as he planted kisses on Ren’s chest.

“Don’t be sorry,” Ren said, “You’re perfect, Poe.”

Poe untangled his fingers from Ren’s and held Ren’s hips in a loose, but firm grip.

“Is this ok, baby?” Poe asked, checking to make sure his fingers weren’t leaving red imprints on Ren.

“Yeah, babe. It’s perfect.”

Poe continued fucking Ren, picking up the pace just a little and watching Ren’s face closely for a reaction.

“That’s perfect, baby,” Ren said with a smile, making eye contact with Poe and tightening his legs around Poe’s waist.  

Poe placed a hand on the wall to steady himself as he fucked Ren a bit harder.

“Fuck,” Ren said, “Babe?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I’m going to come.”

“You’re going to come without me even touching you, baby,” Poe said.

Ren nodded, biting his pink lip, slightly swollen from all the kissing they’d done before they’d climbed into bed together. “Yeah,” he said, “I’m going to get off just on being fucked by you.”

After the words left Ren’s mouth, Poe came so quickly inside of Ren it almost surprised him. Ren came all over Poe’s stomach and chest a few moments later, squeezing his legs around Poe’s waist so hard that he felt his ribcage. Their eyes stayed locked as Ren released his legs and Poe smiled, bending to kiss him on the lips a few times before quickly hopping up from bed to clean himself off. He came back moments later and snuggled back into bed next to Ren.

“You’re so wonderful, baby,” Poe said, kissing Ren’s cheek about a dozen times, “I can’t believe you’re mine.”

Ren chuckled and kissed Poe’s temple, “I’m really lucky to have you, Poe.”

Poe nuzzled into Ren’s neck and curled up next to him, pulling up the blankets to cover them as it cooled off and skimming his fingers lightly up and down the muscles on Ren’s torso.

“I love when you do that,” Ren said.

“Do what?” Poe asked.

“When you touch my stomach that way. So lightly,” Ren said.

Poe kissed Ren’s neck a few times and kept skimming his fingers over Ren’s abs.

“Can I ask you something?” Poe asked after a couple minutes of comfortable, post-sex silence. 

“Yeah. Sure.”

“What do you think about the future?”

“The future?”

“Yeah,” Poe said.

“What about the future exactly, babe?”

“Like, what does it look like? To you. For you.”

“Oh. Well,” Ren said, his arm around Poe’s shoulders, rubbing his biceps lightly, “I’ll never leave my mom. I want to stay with her forever. And take care of her.”

Poe nodded.

“I want to stay on with the New Republic. Obviously,” Ren said, “Not as a droid tech forever. But something else. One day. I’m not sure what. Or when.”

Poe nodded.

“I don’t know exactly what the rest looks like yet,” Ren said, kissing Poe’s hair a few times, “But I’m hoping you’ll be in it?”

Poe smiled into Ren’s neck and kissed him there.

“Of course, baby.”

“What does yours look like, babe?” Ren asked, running his fingers through Poe’s wavy hair.

“I want to be with the New Republic forever. I’m not sure in what capacity,” Poe said, his lips gracing Ren’s neck while he spoke, “I want to change the way the New Republic trains all of its new pilots. And I want to develop new training drills, like the _Skywalker Swoop_ and the _Porkins Belly Run_. But I don’t think I want to be a pilot forever.”

“I want to…”

Poe’s voice broke off.

“I want to get married one day,” he said softly, “And have a family. And a house that overlooks one of the coasts. I like water.”

Ren smiled. “You want to get married and live in a house on the water?”

“Yeah,” Poe said with a shrug, “I know. How unoriginal of me, right?”

“Well no. I don’t think it’s unoriginal,” Ren said, “I just … I don’t know.”

“What? You can’t imagine me being married?”

“I guess I never pictured it for you?”

Poe chuckled. “Well I always thought it’d be nice to fall in love and get married and be in love with the same person forever or something,” he said, “But I hadn’t pictured it for me either. Until I met you.”

Ren smiled and turned to kiss Poe’s hair.

“What do you think, baby?” Poe asked.

“Think about what?”

“Do you want to get married?”

Ren shrugged.

“Um... I don’t know,” Ren said, “I guess I hadn’t really thought about it before.”

“You’ve _never_ thought about being married? To Hux? Or to _anyone_?”

Ren sighed, thinking about how to respond.

"Well. Yeah, actually, I have," he said reluctantly, "Sort of."

_/// Two Years Earlier_

Hux was curled up in one of Ren’s sweaters, with his Tarkin biography and a mug of tea. He sunk down further beneath his blanket and tried his best to stop checking his comm for a message from Ren every few minutes. He knew good and well that he had the volume turned up, as not to miss any communication from Ren, but he still couldn’t help checking every few moments just in case, by some fluke, his comm didn’t chime when the message came in. He just peeked over his book with one eye to see if he had a new alert. Nothing.

The last message he’d received from Ren had been the day before.

_Ren: Coming home today! And I have a surprise for you. I miss you so much. I love you -- I’ll see you soon._

Hux had asked for every available bit of tracking info available for Ren’s command shuttle, but Ren often turned off the tracking capabilities to avoid being detected by _anyone,_ Resistance and First Order alike. Hux hated it, but he knew that Ren couldn't be persuaded otherwise. Sure enough, there hadn’t been any tracking information available.

Hux pulled his knees up to his chest and balanced his tea carefully there with a hand to steady it. He yawned and checked the time. It was getting late, jst past 2300 hours, but Hux couldn’t stand to sleep another night without Ren there next to him. Ren had been off ship for almost six weeks, which was increasingly common lately given the escalating circumstances with the First Order and the Resistance. Hux was mostly kept busy on the bridge for twelve to sixteen hours at a time, which he liked to do in Ren’s absence, but on this night in particular he hadn’t needed to stay -- plus he wanted to be home in case Ren came back.

Hux turned another page and was just planning to decide on a waiting time limit, and a bedtime, when he heard the door code beeping. He placed his tea on the table and sat straight up as the door opened. Dark hair, and black layers and a lightsaber in a gloved hand.

“Ren!”

Ren smiled at Hux, emptying his arms quickly of his helmet, lightsaber and a bag of some sort as Hux jumped up, ran the length of the sofa, leapt from its arm, landed on the floor and then jumped straight into Ren’s arms, his legs wrapping around Ren’s waist.

Ren laughed and hugged Hux close, holding him securely and cradling the back of his red hair. This was the longest they’d been separated since Ren had left for fourteen weeks after _Starkiller_ to complete his training two years prior.

“Hi, Hux,” Ren said.

“Jesus. Fuck,” Hux said, “I hate you so much. Are you alright? Why didn’t you message me back? You said you’d be home yesterday.”

“I’m sorry,” Ren said, kissing Hux’s hair, “I’m so sorry. I was busy. With something for you, actually.”

Ren hugged Hux close and tight once more before setting him down. Hux looked at him expectantly.

“Please, please, please, _please_ don’t freak out,” Ren warned him as he reached into the pocket of his tunic and pulled out a smooth, dark ring. Hux looked at the ring, his eyes growing wide.

“Oh, _fuck_. You aren’t proposing to me are you?”

Ren laughed and tossed his hair back so it was out of his eyes. It had gotten longer in his time away. “No, I would never," he said with a smile.

He took Hux’s left hand and slid the ring onto his ring finger. “It’s granite from Starkiller base.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“How did you get this? _Where_ did you get this?”

“From the archives on D’Qar. They salvage stone fragments from each destroyed planet. And this was the sample from Starkiller.”

“And they let you have it?”

“No, no. Of course not. I sort of stole it, but I figured it's really yours anyways.”

Hux laughed and looked at the ring on his finger, holding his hand up and spreading out his fingers to get a better view.

“Holy fuck. You had it fashioned into a ring? Did you have to kill anyone for it?”

“No, I didn’t have to kill anyone. I made it myself. And made one for myself too. I had to repair my lightsaber hilt anyways. I was going to make a pendant or something, but there wasn’t enough stone for two. And I know rings are like… a weird gift to give. But I...”

“No. Kylo,” Hux said, a laugh in his throat and a smile on his lips. He hugged Ren’s neck again. “It’s perfect. I love it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Of course. It’s lovely. _Granite from Starkiller_. It’s unbelievable,” Hux said, looking to Ren’s eyes, “Thank you.”


	21. Nerves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 21 SUMMARY: Ren and Poe fly out to meet Hux on Takodana, where Hux gets to see him for the first time in over a year and Poe gets to meet the ex. Flashback: Hux finally learns the name of the medic who's taken care of Ren over the years and with the First Order crumbling, Ren and Hux's relationship faces a lot of stress.

/// CHAPTER 21

Ren and Poe had come to have the _Millennium Falcon_ in their possession two days later, by way of Rey, by way of Chewie. They were borrowing it to take to the Outer Rim to collect the wine for Han’s party, with a somewhat secret stop by Takodana, an historically neutral planet, to meet Hux.

Poe had never flown the _Falcon_ before and Rey was in the cockpit with him, giving him a crash course that he insisted he didn’t need. The trip was just supposed to take a few days, and they’d scheduled it to take place during the week’s end.

Leia watched nervously as Ren loaded some supplies and a few bags onto the ship, with BB-8 on his heels the whole time beeping questions about where they were going and why. Leia chewed nervously on her lip, just like Ren did when he was stewing on something as she watched her son prepare to leave the planet. When Ren failed to respond to his inquiries, BB-8 eventually gave up his questioning and went inside to see if Poe had answers. Ren approached his mom as BB-8 disappeared into the _Falcon_.

“Mom?”

“Yeah, hi, honey,” she said, “Are you two about ready?”

“Yeah,” he said, “Rey is just showing Poe how to fly the _Falcon,_ even though he says he already knows how … or whatever.”

Leia nodded, but didn’t respond. They had wanted the wine to be a surprise, but with it necessitating a trip to the Outer Rim, Ren hadn’t wanted to keep it a secret from her.

“Mom? Are you ok?” Ren asked softly, sensing her mood, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m ok,” Leia said.

“No you’re not,” Ren said, “You’re worried.”

“I’m fine, Ben.”

Ren sighed and gently placed his hands on the sides of his mom’s shoulders.

“You’re worried, Mom,” he said gently, “Tell me what’s going on.”

She sighed as Ben rubbed the sides of her arms and then let his hands fall.

“You haven’t left Cronoe since you got home last year,” Leia finally said, hugging her arms across her chest, “I’m nervous.”

“Mom…” Ben said. He pulled her close and held her in a hug.

“I’m going to miss you, honey.”

“It’s just a few days.”

They were quiet for a while as Ren held his mom protectively, her head resting on his chest with his hand on the back of her head.

“Something about your trip feels off,” she said.

“Off? Like dangerous?”

“No. Just _off._ ”

Ren sighed.

“Mom,” he said, letting her go now and looking down to meet her eyes. Her gaze met his and she looked at him inquisitively. He bit his lip, then sighed.

“We’re not just going to the Outer Rim,” Ren admitted, “We’re making another stop.”

Leia looked at him.

“We’re stopping by Takodana.”

“Why?”

“We’re stopping there to meet someone.”

Leia looked on, waiting for more.

“We’re meeting General Hux.”

She apparently hadn’t seen that coming. Her expression changed. Unwelcome surprise.

“Why are you meeting General Hux?”

Ren looked down at his feet to collect himself, then back up at his mom, “Hux and I were sort of a … a thing. We had a thing. For a while. For a few years. We broke up, more or less. And I never got to say goodbye to him. And I _need_ to say goodbye to him. To close that chapter of my life I guess. So … Poe and I are meeting him on Takodana.”

“Oh,” Leia said, searching Ren’s eyes, then looking down. She looked back up at him. They were silent for a few moments.

“Ben. Honey, you know that I know General Hux?”

Ren nodded.

“I talked to Hux a few days ago for the first time … since Undu.”

Leia nodded.

“He told me that you’ve been talking to him. Peace talks?” Ren said.

Leia nodded, smiling a bit now. The smile surprised Ren.

“I have,” she said, “ _Peace talks._ If you want to call it that. I’ve been talking to him for nearly a year.”

Ren nodded. “He told me.”

“Yeah, well, he’s impossibly stubborn,” Leia said, smiling still, “Smart and cunning. Funny when he wants to be. Brilliant and arrogant, but oddly sweet and charming.”  

Ren laughed a bit.

“I can’t decide if I like him or hate him,” Leia said.

“Yeah,” Ren said, “I know that feeling.”

Leia nodded and Ren felt his mom pressing on his mind.

“You loved him,” she said.

Ren looked down at his feet and chewed his lip.

“I did. I did love him,” Ren nodded, “He never mentioned me?”

“No,” Leia said, “You never really came up in conversation. And his behavior around me gave no indication that your relationship was anything besides professional.”

Ren felt an unexpected surge of anger, mixed with hurt, swell in his stomach. Leia examined Ren and again, he felt her pushing on his mind.

“Did he hurt you?” Leia asked.

“Mom,” Ren said, “It’s not --”

“Did he love you back?” Leia asked, interrupting Ren, her presence still on his mind.

Ren sighed. “No,” Ren said, “He said he did, but he didn’t really love me.”

Ren looked down, he felt his mom’s mind lessen on his conscience. “Not the way Poe does at least,” he murmured.

Leia hugged him and Ren hugged her back, his arms wrapping around her shoulders and pulling her close.

“Ben?” Leia said, pulling back to look at him, “How did it end with Hux?”

_/// Two Years Earlier_

Ren and Hux arrived at the medic station early for Ren’s 0900 appointment. Hux had been to the medic station with Ren enough by now to know that the check-in process didn’t seem to be any more streamlined for frequent visitors, or with subsequent visits. Ren had felt a bit feverish, on and off, in the weeks following a minor blaster injury he’d suffered on a rebel altercation on Yavin. When Hux first saw the wound, he admittedly thought it wasn’t too bad, so he’d just patched it up himself and allowed Ren to avoid a trip to the medic. But the wound hadn’t gotten better, and more often than not, Ren was running a fever.

Ren wasn’t concerned about the lingering fever, but Hux had wanted him to get checked out, worrying that something might be wrong, especially since he sometimes woke up in the night with cold sweats. Hux had taken his temperature that morning, saw the 102-degree readout and scheduled an appointment with the head medic immediately, ignoring Ren’s assurance that everything was fine.

Hux made Ren sit down in one of the waiting room chairs and approached the check-in desk. The admin droid gave him papers to fill out, the same papers he’d filled out a few times before. This time though, he knew most of the answers. He filled in the name, age, birthdate, residential unit number, blood type, allergies, list of medications, emergency contact and … next of kin.

“Ren?” Hux asked.

“What?”

“Should I list myself as your next of kin?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re _not_ my next of kin. We’re not related. Or married.”

“Well you don’t have anyone else to list as next of kin.”

“So leave it blank.”

Hux sighed, marked _N/A_ in next of kin and continued filling out the paperwork. He moved onto the form asking about Ren’s symptoms.

“I’m sitting right here,” Ren said, “I can do that myself.”

“No,” Hux said, “You’re going to understate your symptoms. So let me.”

“You’re going to overstate my symptoms.”

“I won’t,” Hux said defiantly. Ren looked on as Hux answered the questions.

“I have _not_ been feverish for two weeks.”

“You have.”

Ren sighed, but didn’t stop him.

“I haven’t experienced nausea or vomiting.”

“You threw up your bean stew and ginger ale two nights ago.”

Ren rolled his eyes, but let Hux continue with the paperwork.

“Your handwriting is awful,” Ren said.

“Kylo,” Hux said, looking over at him, “Would you _please_ distract yourself with one of these informational medical booklets so I can finish this?”

Ren sighed and looked at the table next to him. He selected a booklet about sexually transmitted infections. Hux looked over at it and rolled his eyes. The cover read, in large, all capital type: _UNDERSTANDING YOUR SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS AND DISEASES._

“Really? That one?”

“You said to choose one.”

Hux ignored him and finished the paperwork, taking the clipboard up to the admin droid. He sat back down.

“You look terrible,” Hux said.

“No I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. You _look_ like you’re running a fever of 102. I don’t know how you don’t see it.”

Ren shrugged. He’d admittedly had to have Hux pull his hair up into a bun because it was too hot on his neck. He was wearing his favorite grey joggers and an orange cotton zip-up jacket, half zipped, without a shirt on under it because he couldn't decide if he was hot or cold, plus a pair of  black canvas sneakers that were certainly not standard-issue. His entire outfit wasn’t standard issue, which drove Hux mad, but Ren was too tired to care. He was sweating, but he was shivering. He’d been up most of the night with head and muscle aches, but he hadn’t told Hux that.

“Do I really look that bad?” Ren asked softly, looking away from his STI booklet.

Hux sighed, he discreetly took Ren’s fingers and squeezed them. “No, I’m sorry, Kylo. You look beautiful. You just need to see the medic and get your fever checked out, ok, love? It’s not normal to run a fever for this long.”

Ren nodded and went back to reading his booklet.

“Do you know what the most common STI is?”

“No,” Hux said tiredly.

“You’re in good company,” Ren read from the booklet, “Three out of four sexually active people don’t know either.”

“Figures.”

“Your choices are A: Gonorrhea. B: Herpes. C: HPV--”

“Ren. Don’t --”

“It’s C. HPV. Nearly all sexually active people will contract one or more strains of HPV in their lifetime,” Ren still read from the booklet, “One in four people have at least one strain of HPV at any given time.”

“That’s enlightening, but please stop now?”

They were silent for a while as Ren turned more pages.

“Jesus,” Ren said, “Fuck. Have you seen photos of this mutated strain of chlamydia?”

Ren turned the booklet so Hux could see.

“No,” Hux said, his mouth turning down in disgust, “Could you read something else, please? Or at least stop telling me about your findings?”

Ren turned another page.

“Oh, _fuck_. Look at this genital wart.”

“Ren! Please --”

 _“Kylo Ren?”_ A mechanic voice called out. It was the head medic’s RN droid. Ren put the booklet down and stood.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Hux asked.

“No,” Ren said, “I’m not a six-year-old. I’ll be fine. I’ll have them come get you once they know something.”

Hux nodded and watched Ren follow the droid back to the examination rooms. Hux sighed and looked around the waiting room. He’d already gotten in trouble for pacing once, so he decided to stay seated. He glanced over at the STI booklet Ren had been reading, rolled his eyes and picked it up.

///

“General Hux?”

Hux looked from the booklet and up at the voice that had called his name. It was the head medic -- the pretty one that always saw Ren when he was admitted to the med station. She was looking at him curiously and Hux realized she could easily see the booklet title, with it’s huge, stupid lettering: _UNDERSTANDING YOUR SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS AND DISEASES._

“Yes?” Hux asked, closing it quickly and placing it back on the table, “Hi.”

She smirked at him.

“Hi. Could I have a word with you, please, General?”

“Yes,” Hux said, standing and straightening confidently to his full height. He smoothed out the folds of his pants, “Sure.”

She nodded.

“I wasn’t … I don’t really have any sexually transmitted infections. Or diseases. It’s just … Ren had been reading it and I was scolded for pacing the floor last time so I figured I should keep myself busy,” Hux said as he approached.

“That’s fine, General,” she said with a smile.

“Not that Ren has any either,” Hux added quickly, “Well, not that I would know.”

“It’s really ok, General,” she said, “You don’t have to explain.”

“Sure,” Hux said, figuring now was a good time to stop talking.

Hux followed the medic through the halls, past a few examination rooms and MedBay operating rooms to her office. It was the same office she’d had two years prior, a small internal room with no windows and harsh clinical lighting. It was sparsely furnished. Just a desk, chairs, several datapads and a desktop computer workstation.

The medic sat down behind the desk and Hux sat across from her. He studied her face. She had high cheekbones, porcelain skin, flushed red cheeks, bright blue eyes and wavy strawberry blonde hair that she usually had pulled up, but that today fell around her shoulders. He watched her smooth hands swipe through her datapad, presumably looking for Ren’s file.

“Is Kylo Ren a friend of yours?” the medic asked.

“Uh, no,” Hux said, “Not particularly. Why do you ask?”

“You always come in with him,” she said with a shrug as she tapped to open Ren’s file on her datapad.

“Well, he’s apparently incapable of looking after himself,” Hux said.

The medic looked up at him. “It’s ok for you to admit to having friends, General,” she said with a smile.

Hux sighed.

“We work together, Ren and I,” Hux said, “And he won’t look after himself, but if he ends up injured or otherwise incapacitated, then the Supreme Leader gets upset with me, so I make sure he stays alive and well.”

Hux felt sweat accumulate on his lower back. He always sweated there first when he got nervous. Ren would always tease him after their meetings with Snoke when Hux would have to visit the refresher to towel off his back beneath his uniform.

“And you made him come in today?”

“Yes,” Hux said, “Is he alright? Or will I have to go to the Supreme Leader with an unfavorable report?”

The medic smiled. “We don’t have the results just yet, but I don’t think we’ll find anything unusual. I suspect it’s just a mild infection, but I had them run a few extra tests anyways. He has a knack for getting hurt and hiding it.”

Hux nodded. “Very good,” he said.

“Anyways,” she said as she stopped scrolling through Ren’s file and looked up at Hux, “I just wanted to thank you for bringing him in. He certainly wouldn’t have improved on his own, and it doesn’t seem like he was due to bring himself in anytime soon.”

Hux nodded.

“Thank you for taking such good care of him. I know that he’s stubborn and doesn’t like being here, so he probably doesn’t make for the most agreeable patient.”

She nodded. “You’re welcome. He’s fine, really. He was stubborn the first couple of visits, but he’s much better now.”

Hux nodded and looked at her as she pulled up a file on her desktop workstation, looking down at her datapad every now and then like she was copying something, and Hux couldn’t help but think there had to be an easier way to do whatever it was she was doing.

“What’s your first name? If you don’t mind me asking?”

The name stitched on her jacket read _A. Knesos_ but didn’t list her first name.

“Astrid.”

“Astrid?” Hux said, nodding, “That’s a lovely name.”

“Thank you,” she said, “It was my great-grandmother’s name.”

Hux nodded and watched as she typed.

“What made you want to become a medic? A First Order medic nonetheless?”

Astrid shrugged. “I’ve always been fascinated by the human body. My family lived in the Hosnian system and my mother was always ill when I was young,” she said, “I couldn’t stand being around the rebellion at the time, and their lack of resources -- medical and otherwise. I left as soon as possible, right after my mother passed, to attend boarding school, then Uni and onto study medicine.”

Hux looked at her.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “About your mother.”

Astrid smiled politely. “It’s alright,” she said, “That was many years ago.”

They fell silent for a few moments.

“You can see Ren if you’d like. Once the lab results and images are in, I’ll come talk with you two. It shouldn’t take much longer.”

“Certainly,” Hux said.

They stood and exited the office. Hux followed her through the halls.

“It’d be nice to have an office with a view? Wouldn’t it?” Hux asked her.

She shrugged. “I’m typically only in my office for a few hours in the evenings to finish patient data entry. It doesn’t make much difference. My office is fine.”

Hux nodded as they arrived at Ren’s room. He was sitting cross-legged on an examination table, re-dressed in his clothes from before and eating some sort of pastry. A box of juice sat nearby.

“We’ll be back shortly with the results, ok?” she said to them both, “And Ren, let us know if you need anything else?”

They nodded and she left, shutting the door behind her. Hux crossed the room and went over to the table. He kissed Ren’s forehead a few times.

“Are you alright?”

Ren nodded. “Yeah, I’m ok.”

“You look more pale than when I left you. What’s with the pastries?”

“They had to take a lot of blood for tests and stuff,” he said with a shrug as he chewed, “And I started to pass out. So they brought me a pastry and some juice. But I couldn’t eat the first pastry because it was cream-filled. So they brought me a whole box of the ‘dietary restriction’ pastries. There’s no animal products or gluten in them, so they sort of taste like sawdust.” Ren nodded towards the box. It had a sticker on it that said _DIETARY RESTRICTION ONLY._

Hux kissed Ren’s hair. “You passed out?”

“No, I said _I started_ to pass out.”

“I wrote down all over your forms that you don’t eat animal products. Why would they bring you a cream-filled pastry?”

Ren shrugged and drank some juice. “It’s ok. They didn’t know.”

Hux kissed Ren’s hair again and then took Ren’s fingers in his as they waited for Astrid to return.

///

Ren settled into bed with the grape-flavored, to-go juice boxes the medic staff had given him as Hux ordered him a proper meal. Astrid had let them know that everything was fine with the tests. The wound was infected, so she’d given him an antibiotic to clear it up, as well an ointment to rub on the wound itself. She’d instructed him to get some rest for the remainder of the day and drink plenty of fluids, since they’d taken quite a bit of blood. The fever would clear itself up once the wound healed.

“I really like these juice boxes,” Ren said as he sucked up the last of the juice through his straw with a loud slurping sound. Hux rolled his eyes.

“I’ll have more sent up with your lunch, ok?” Hux asked. Ren nodded, switched on the Holoscreen and took off his jacket. Hux took it for him and hung it up, then sat on the edge of the bed.

“I need to go down to the bridge,” Hux said, “Are you alright? Or do you want me to stay?”

Ren punched the straw into the new juice box. “I’m ok. I’m going to take a nap I think.”

“You can’t nap until after you’ve eaten, ok? You need to eat.”

Ren nodded, sucking in juice through the straw and giving Hux a thumbs-up. Hux leaned in, kissed Ren’s forehead, then stood.

“I’ll come up to check on you in a few hours, ok?”

Ren nodded.

Hux kissed Ren once more. “Message me if you need anything.”

Ren nodded. “Ok,” he said, “Thank you. For taking me to the med station. I love you.”

“You’re welcome, Kylo. I love you too,” Hux said.

///

On the way to the bridge, Hux summoned Mitaka. Mitaka met him a few minutes later, walking quickly to keep up.

“The med station’s head medic, Astrid Knesos, needs a larger office,” Hux said, “See to it that she’s given a bigger space within the station. Something with a galaxy view. And anything else she needs to furnish the office. Have it put on a new purchase order and sent to me once complete.”

“Is there a spending limit on the purchase order, sir?” Mitaka asked as he typed everything in.

“No. Tell her to order whatever she needs to outfit the space. There’s no budget.”

Lieutenant Mitaka nodded.

“Anything else, sir?”

“I want this project completed within the week.”

“Yes, sir. Anything else, sir?”

“Send me a report of the morning's events.”

“It’s waiting in your inbox, sir.”

Hux nodded, and turned to leave, then stopped. He turned back to Mitaka.

“And send a case of those dreadful to-go juice boxes they have at the med station to unit 33C. The grape flavor. You can charge it to my personal account.”

“Right away, sir,” Mitaka said, nodding to hide his confusion.

“That’ll be all.” Hux dismissed Mitaka, and before going to the bridge, stopped by his personal office. He sat behind his desk and woke up his rarely-used desktop computer workstation. Her name was still on his mind.

_Astrid Knesos._

He searched the Holoweb for a nearby florist shop. He combed through the list of results it returned, scoffing at the shops that were clear on the other side of the galaxy.

“What do they suppose _nearby_ means?” he muttered to no one in particular.

Finally, he found a shop along to the _Finalizer’s_ projected route. _Dominique’s Unique Boutique Floral Arrangements & More. _

A bit of a mouthful, Hux thought, but it would work nonetheless -- it was really his only option. He scrolled through the shop’s offerings. He knew nothing about flowers or anything of the sort and wasn’t familiar with any of the names and types. He thought all of them looked dreadful and unnecessarily cumbersome. He couldn’t imagine why anyone would want an arrangement of pink and yellow flowers, outfitted with polka dot bows crowding their workspace, but he added one to his cart anyways. It was the least offensive of the bunch. He entered the number for his personal credit account at the checkout and spent an embarrassing amount of time filling in the “add a personal message” box. He eventually decided on, _Astrid: Thanks for everything. -General Hux,_ entered the delivery address and placed the order.

_/// Present_

Ren felt like he was going to be sick as Poe landed the _Falcon_ on Takodana. Poe sensed his unease and looked at Ren out of the side of his eye as he landed them. Ren’s jaw was clenched tight and he swallowed every few moments.

“Ben?” Poe said, “Are you ok, baby?”

 _Ben._ A name Hux had never called him. He felt his lunch rising to the back of his throat.

He got up quickly, steadying himself a bit on the copilot’s seat and then leaving the cockpit. BB-8 turned his head to follow Ren’s movements.

“Can you go check on him, bud?” Poe asked as he flipped a few switches to prepare for touchdown. BB-8 didn’t have to go far. Ren had only made it to the bin a few feet from the cockpit.

BB-8 beeped sorrowfully. Ren looked at the mess of split green pea soup he’d thrown up. Even that made him think of Hux.

“Baby?” Poe said, coming back to check on him now that they’d landed. Ren was still hunched over the bin.

“Baby,” Poe said, hunching down right next to him, “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

Ren sat up, his back resting against the wall. He wiped the sides of his mouth.

“I can’t,” he said, “I can’t see him.”

“You _can_ , baby,” Poe said, kissing Ren’s hair, “It’s going to be ok. I’ll be there with you, ok?”

“I need a minute,” Ren said.

“Sure,” Poe said, “I’m going to get you some water.”

Ren shut his eyes and tried to ground himself in the present. He would he see Hux. He would say goodbye. He would leave.

_See Hux. Say goodbye. Leave. See Hux. Say goodbye. Leave._

Poe returned a few moments later with a canteen of water. Ren drank most of it while Poe kissed his hair over and over.

“It’s going to be ok, baby,” Poe said, “I’ll be right there with you, ok?”

Ren nodded. He finished what was left in the canteen.

“Are you ready?”

“I’m ready.”

///

They’d agreed to meet Hux at a small station, he’d picked -- a station where they could refuel on their way to the Outer Rim. It was a fairly low-traffic, out-of-the-way station, so they could easily squat there all day, but Ren didn’t want to stay all day. He wanted to see Hux just long enough to say goodbye, and then go get the wine and go back home to his mom. Hux had messaged Ren to let him know he was running a bit late. Something had come up with work and he was an hour delayed in leaving. Ren knew how much Hux hated irregularities and otherwise unplanned hiccups in his meticulously planned schedule and imagined his disdainful scoff at being held up.

Ren and Poe docked the _Falcon_ and deboarded with BB-8, then looked around, taking in their surroundings. The station wasn’t even the least bit cushy. It was meant only as a temporary pass-through, nestled high in the forested mountains in the Tashtor sector of Takodana -- a remote location for mostly seedy interactions. The station appeared to have not been updated or cared for in more years than both Ren and Poe had put together. Everything: the walls, floors, people -- even the ceilings -- were coated in a layer of grime. Even on a bright planet like Takodana, and even on a bright day, the inside of the hangar where they’d landed was impossibly glum.

The people at the station were a perfect match for the station itself. Old, tired and dirty. Everyone moved slow, so Ren and Poe slowed their stride too, not wanting to draw attention to themselves. BB-8 rolled quietly next to them, only beeping here and there to let them know he didn’t like this place at all.

They avoided making eye contact with the tired, multi-species alien merchants and vendors who peddled food rations, flasks of unknown contents, drugs and hours with concubines as they made their way to the pilot’s lounge.

BB-8 beeped in protest, then stopped rolling. He wasn’t interested in seeing anymore of this station and wanted to return to the _Falcon_ immediately. Poe tried to reason with him, before giving up and agreeing to take him back. He kissed Ren’s cheek and told him he’d meet him at the lounge.

When Poe arrived at the lounge a few minutes later, he was even more underwhelmed than he’d thought possible. He’d seen his fair share of sketchy pilot’s lounges and watering holes, both good and bad, but this one was particularly downtrodden. The barstools were made of some sort of cracked animal hide and there were about four lights to furnish the entire space. Even at midday, it was relatively full. In the corner, a band from the Outer Reaches played a sorry rendition of a famous jazz ensemble’s set list. Ren was seated at the bar and Poe joined him.

“ _Damn_ ,” Poe said as he looked around.

“I want to leave,” Ren said.

“Babe,” Poe said, lowering his voice and turning to Ren, “We aren’t leaving until you talk to Hux. Ok?”

Ren looked around. The bartender was a rusted out, slow-moving servant droid, with hardly any usable digits and uneven legs, with one of its eyes gone dark. The bar lounge patrons were all hunched over dirty glasses of dark liquid, speaking in low voices and carrying a frightening assortment of weaponry. Ren found himself wishing he had his saber, even though he hadn’t used it -- or even laid eyes on it --  in the year he’d been home.

“I need a drink,” Ren said, “Why the _fuck_ did Hux choose this place?”

Poe motioned for the bartender. It said something in a language Ren admittedly had never even heard and slowly made its way over to them.

Poe ordered them both a double pour of whatever dark liquor they had on stock. He requested top shelf whiskey, but the droid appeared to have never heard of it. Ren rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t want to be here,” Ren said.

“Once you say goodbye to Hux, we can go.”

Ren muttered something under his breath that Poe couldn’t decipher as the droid dropped off their drinks. Ren downed it and signaled for another.

“Easy, babe,” Poe said.

When the next drink came, Ren took it slower while Poe sipped his. Poe could sense Ren’s unease, so they didn’t say much to each other as they waited for Hux’s arrival. Poe wanted to comfort Ren -- hold his hand and rub his back and hold him close and kiss him, but he knew that Ren wasn’t particularly comfortable with PDA. Especially not in a place like this. Instead, Poe just sat there, occasionally rubbing Ren’s thigh under the bartop. Ren’s comm buzzed about a half hour later and he clenched his jaw to keep the liquor down.

_Hux: Here. I imagine you’re waiting at the lounge?_

Ren read the message and tried to respond, but his hands were visibly shaking.

“Let me?” Poe said softly, taking the comm and responding for him.

_Ren: Yes. We’re at the lounge._

_Hux: Ok. On my way._

_Hux: Who’s ‘we’?_

“Babe,” Poe said.

Ren finished his liquor and ordered another, plus a double pour for Hux.

“Yeah?”

“We didn’t really tell Hux I was coming.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ren said, his jaw clenched.

“It’s ok,” Poe said, “It’s ok. I’ll tell him. And then I’ll introduce myself, but give you two space, if you want it, ok?”

Ren nodded.

_Ren: Sorry, I didn’t come alone. I’m here with my boyfriend._

_Hux: Oh, ok. That’s fine. I’ll see you guys soon._

Ren now rested his forehead on the bar and covered his head with his arms.

“Baby,” Poe said, rubbing his back and not caring that Ren was uncomfortable with PDA, “Please. You have to relax, ok?”

Ren made no response. Poe scolded himself for forgetting to pack the stress ball Ren liked to squeeze when he was upset, but Ren did everything else he knew to do, everything he’d learned in mind-cooling therapy, to calm himself and it worked relatively well until he heard his name -- a name he hadn’t heard in a long time -- from a voice that he’d admittedly missed hearing.

“Kylo?”

_/// Two Years Earlier_

Hux couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Lieutenant Mitaka wasn’t typically afraid of General Hux, but even he was trembling as he gave the dismal report -- one of many in the recent string of reports of this type he’d had to deliver lately.

Kylo Ren was commander of a division of troopers Hux had deployed to a Resistance communications center on Corellia, a center the First Order had just discovered via drone. The mission was supposed to have been fairly simple and Hux couldn’t have been more clear with his instructions, which had also been endorsed by Snoke: ambush the communications center that was responsible for broadcasting Resistance messages across the galaxy and to the Outer Rim, Mid Rim and Western Reaches. Dismantle and disrupt the communications immediately upon overtaking the center. Pinpoint the locations of the rebel bases to which the center was transmitting. Download any and all Resistance data stored at the center. Capture the senior officer, or officers, on staff to bring back for interrogation. Destroy the center and its inhabitants and make sure nothing remained.

 _Nothing_ about this task should’ve been difficult for Ren and the troops to complete. The communications base was a hidden one, so it was relatively unarmed with few troops and personnel stationed there to begin with. Kylo Ren was technically capable of completing this mission on his own, but Hux had afforded him the luxury of a small division of stormtroopers anyways.

But, instead of doing as he was told, Ren had developed his own mission on the fly -- as he always did. Hux had told him that, above all else, retrieving the data and senior officers was absolutely _mission critical_. Instead, Ren had destroyed all the data before downloading _anything_ and he’d killed everyone at the base, senior officers included. He’d also failed to dismantle communications first-thing upon ambushing and overtaking the center, so the Resistance had had time learn of the attack and scramble X-Wing fighters. They’d gotten off the ground before the Resistance could send in ground reinforcements, but they’d still had to face the X-Wing fighters, led by an especially vicious all-black specialized X-Wing, on their way out.

Only Ren and his command shuttle had made it. The X-Wing fighters had easily destroyed the entire division of stormtroopers in their transport. Ren’s shuttle had been damaged and would need repairs, which would cost the First Order a good deal of credits to fix. The Upsilon-class parts Ren insisted on were only manufactured in a small, remote sector of the Unknown Region -- and the parts didn’t come cheap.

Hux was _furious_. Again, the entire mission, led by Kylo Ren, had been unsuccessful in achieving its objectives -- and their margin for error was growing narrower and narrower with each failed exploit. They’d destroyed the communications center, but that hadn’t been the point. They’d wanted to _use_ the center to learn about the Resistance. Instead, they’d learned nothing and lost just about everything.

Mitaka concluded the painful report and Hux sent him away. Unlike Ren, Hux didn’t like to get too angry and come unhinged in front of his officers. Hux stayed on the bridge late to run damage control, then he finally retired around 0200 hours. It was late when he got to Ren’s unit, but he knew Ren wouldn’t be back yet. The command shuttle’s lightspeed systems had been damaged, so he would be slower in returning to the _Finalizer_.

That was fine with Hux. He went up to Ren’s place just long enough to pack up a few of his things to take back to his own unit. More often than not lately, he slept at his place when he was upset with Ren. In the past few weeks, it was a 50/50 toss-up whether Hux would be found sleeping at his place, or at Ren’s. Hux packed up more clothes, his datapad and his decanter of whiskey. Ren had a habit of dipping into the special order liquor Hux had shipped in from all over the galaxy, and drinking it mindlessly while sprawled on the floor, eating a bag of disgusting, heavily-processed onion flavored crisps and chewing with his mouth open.

Hux packed up his items and went down to his quarters. Over the course of the previous year and a half or so, he’d forgotten how closed-in and claustrophobic his 17th floor suite felt in comparison to Ren’s penthouse. He hadn’t spent much time at his own unit, but when he returned there after his first big fight with Ren about six months earlier, he decided he definitely deserved something better.

Hux had recently bargained with the residential operations manager and arranged a move from his old unit on the 17th floor, to a nicer unit with a better view on the 31st floor. He didn’t tell Ren that he’d switched units -- and he definitely didn’t tell Ren that even with his bargaining, he was still two floors below the penthouse suites.

“At least I didn’t fellate anyone to be here,” Hux muttered as he settled into his suite, flipping on the lights and turning up the forced air heat. He hadn’t been there in a few days, so it was chilly. He went down the hall to the bedroom and opened his bag to change into something more comfortable, but realized the sweater he’d packed was Ren’s. Hux rolled his eyes and put it on anyways, along with warm socks and non-regulation joggers that Ren had talked him into ordering. He hated admitting how much he loved the joggers -- and the stupid sweater. Hux got into bed under the blankets with a glass of whiskey he’d poured himself and switched on the Holoscreen. The First Order news coverage was horrendous, but Hux couldn’t turn it off. He needed to know how the galaxy perceived the Order -- especially the neutral planets. It wasn’t good. He took off his _Starkiller_ ring and set it on the table next to his bed.

Hux was finishing his first glass of liquor, and it was nearly 0300 hours, when his comm buzzed.

_Ren: Just got back. Where are you?_

Hux rolled his eyes.

_Hux: My quarters. What do you want?_

_Ren: I wanted to see you. Are you sleeping there tonight?_

_Hux: Clearly._

_Ren: Why?_

_Hux: It’s too late for this. Goodnight, Ren._

Hux thought about getting another glass of whiskey, but he was too tired and cold to bother getting up. He turned off the lamp, sunk down beneath the sheets and began to nod off with the news in the background. Just as he was close to sleep, he heard his door open, followed by the heavy footsteps of Ren’s boots. Moments later, Ren was in his bedroom. _Undressing._ He took off his helmet first, then began taking off his robes. Hux blinked his eyes open and turned to face Ren.

“Ren?”

“What?”

“ _What the fuck_? How did you get here?”

“You mean how did I know that you moved?”

Hux glared at him.

“After one of our fights a few weeks ago, I tried sending a decanter of brandy to your room, and the residential manager told me you’d moved.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Getting undressed. We’re sleeping here tonight, aren’t we?”

“ _I’m_ sleeping here. You’re sleeping in your own bed. In your own stupid penthouse,” Hux murmured.

Ren sighed. “What’s going on?” he asked.

“ _What’s going on?_ ” Hux said incredulously, sitting up now and flipping on the lamp, “You’re an impossible, incompetent, childish maniac and I don’t want to sleep next to you tonight.”

Hux rolled his eyes at Ren’s confused expression. “Or ever,” he mumbled.

“You’re mad at me?” Ren pieced together.

“ _Jesus Christ_ , Ren. Yes! I’m mad at you!”

Ren looked at him inquisitively.

“You had _one job_ today. The mission was clear and simple and straightforward. I thought, _even Kylo couldn’t possibly fuck this up._ Yet you did.”

Ren looked at him, paused in his process of undressing.

“Either you’re deliberately _trying_ to sabotage the First Order or you’re honestly, genuinely just an incompetent idiot.”

“You’re mad about Corellia?”

Hux stared at him in disbelief, “Yes! I’m mad about Corellia!” he shouted.

Ren sighed.

“Everything seems clear and simple and straightforward to you, Hux, because you never leave the _Finalizer_ bridge. You have no idea what it’s like to actually be on the ground, or engaged in air combat. Situations change. Your hypothetical plans don’t always translate, General.”

Ren was now redressing.

“Ok, and that’s why you contact me with a field report so I can give new orders.”

“There’s no time to contact you with a fucking field report, Hux!”

“Well you need to make time because you’re clearly incompetent and incapable of effectively altering plans based on the circumstances you find yourself in.”

“Sure, I’ll pause every bit of missile and blaster fire mid-attack to send you a _field report_. Would you also like it delivered sealed with rare wax and printed on an official First Order letterhead?”

Hux rolled his eyes. “Stop being so dramatic. You know all I need is a status report.”

Ren’s eyes bore into Hux. “There’s no time for status reports. It doesn’t work that way. I’m the one actually on the ground here, and I’m telling you, _it doesn’t work that way._ ”

“Yes, and I wish you weren’t,” Hux said tiredly, “Please leave now, Ren.”

Ren’s nostrils flared as he bent to pick up his helmet.

“You know, you can’t just walk out on me whenever you’re upset,” Ren said.

“Why not?” Hux asked.

“Because I’m pretty sure that’s now how relationships work.”

“I’d hardly call what we have a relationship.”

“Then what would you call it?”

“A series of mistakes and misjudgments and circumstances that have led us to believe we care about each other and that we can actually be together in a prolonged capacity outside of quick fuck,” Hux mumbled as he slid further beneath the covers.

Ren blinked a few times, quickly. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true,” Hux said, turning over away from Ren, “It’s too late to talk about this, Ren.”

“You’re going to say something like that and then say _it’s too late to talk about it_?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me what’s going on!”

“I’m upset with you and I don’t want to be around you right now. It’s that simple.”

“And you’re calling _me_ childish?”

“I need some space, Ren. _Please_ leave now _._ ”

“Is all of this about what happened on Corellia today or is there something else going on?”

Hux sighed heavily. He turned back over to face Ren.

“It’s about Corellia and every other mission and assignment and task you’ve botched, ignoring my direction and ignoring Snoke’s instruction. I’m starting to wonder where your allegiances lie. I’m starting to believe you genuinely mean to dismantle the First Order and help the Resistance ensure our final destruction.”

_“What?”_

Hux just glared at him.

“You think I’m not loyal to the First Order … and that I’m trying to slowly sabotage it _in full view_ of you and Snoke and the entire fleet?”

“I can’t even imagine what you’re trying to do, Ren.”

“I’m trying to execute on poorly planned ambushes and short notice reactionary attacks.”

“ _Poorly planned_?”

Hux sat up now.

“Yes, Hux. _Poorly planned._ But since you’re too arrogant and prideful to listen to _anyone_ in the planning stages, and since you don’t take to feedback well, I have to alter on the go.”

“I can’t do this with you right now,” Hux said, “Please get out of my quarters or I'm calling the night security troopers to remove you.”

Ren laughed, a dark laugh as he put on his helmet.

“God, you’re ridiculous,” Ren said, “Hux, if you don’t want to be with me anymore, just fucking say so.”

Ren turned to go, “But don’t drag my allegiance and loyalty into it.”

_/// Present_

Ren lifted his head to face the voice that had just called out to him -- to face _Hux_. Ren turned slowly and saw Hux there.

“Kylo?”

Ren’s jaw clenched and his eyes scanned Hux from where he was still seated at the bar, his eyelashes fluttering quickly and his brain going a mile a minute as he took in what he was seeing. Hux’s hair was _long._ Longer and messier than Ren had ever seen. It didn’t look freshly-washed, it didn’t have any product in it and it came down past his ears. It was parted roughly and pushed over to one side and was so stringy and messy and _red_. He had a scruffy bright red beard … a _neck beard_ even. His skin no longer had a washed out pallor, but a hint of color and freckles made visible by the sun. He was dressed in a somewhat ratty sweater and a puffy vest, brown chukka desert boots, and dark pants.

He was leaning on a cane.

_He’s leaning on a cane._

He was leaning on a cane.

He was smiling at Ren. His face and eyes were lit up, his eyes squinting in the smile.

“Hi, Kylo,” Hux said as he came towards Ren now, slower than Ren had ever seen him move, and having to lean on his cane with each step on his right side. Ren’s eyes were fixated on the cane, on Hux’s awful, slow, difficult limp towards him.

_Holy fuck what happened to him?_

Hux stopped once he was closer. Ren’s head spun. He wanted to stand up, close the distance between them, reach out and hug Hux, holding him close and tight like he used to on the _Finalizer_. Ren also wanted to find whoever had hurt Hux and ensure that they too would need a cane, at the very least, to get around for the rest of their lives.

“Hi,” Ren finally said, his expression blank and his eyes still scanning Hux up and down.

Hux still smiled at Ren, taking in his appearance too. His dark, wavy hair was a bit longer. His skin wasn’t as pale as it’d been onboard the _Finalizer_. His beautiful dark eyes were filled with worry and confusion. And behind him sat the ruggedly handsome Resistance pilot who’d had an instrumental role in the collapse of the First Order. _That_ was the boyfriend?

Hux looked past Ren. “Hello,” he said to Poe, waving with the hand that he wasn’t using to support himself on his cane.

“Hi,” Poe said.

Hux came a bit closer, still leaning heavily on his cane as he took a few hesitant steps.

“Babe, this is Hux,” Ren turned and said softly to Poe, then turned back to Hux, “Hux, this is my boyfriend. Poe.”

“Poe,” Hux said with a polite nod, “Good to meet you.”

Poe nodded, and looked Hux over. “Likewise,” he said.

Poe had heard tales of General Hux: an arrogant, sure-postured egotistical general with a biting tone to his words, perpetual scowl, impeccable hair, impossibly shiny boots and a crisp uniform. He’d seen a few photos in the archives, but this skinny, disheveled, mildly handicapped guy standing in front of him looked nothing like the _General Hux_ Poe had imagined meeting.

“May I sit?” Hux asked, nodding to the empty stool with the untouched glass of liquor in front of it.

“Oh,” Ren said, looking away from Hux and down at the empty seat, “Yeah. We uh, we got you a drink.”

“Thank you,” Hux said, taking a seat, with some difficulty, and leaning his cane against the bar. He inspected the glass, picking it up and looking in it, through it and under it.

“What is it?” he asked.

“We don’t know,” Ren said with a shrug, “But it’s strong.”

Hux shrugged and downed it.

“Is that the thing supposed to function as the bartender?” Hux asked, motioning with a nod to the servant droid that had taken a seat to rest for a moment, both of its eyes now dark.

“Yeah,” Ren said.

“Is it … alive?”

“It was when we got here about a half hour ago,” Ren said, not discounting the possibility that the droid had genuinely just died within the last thirty minutes.

Hux managed to get its attention by gently rapping on the bar and motioned for another of the same … whatever he’d just had. The droid’s good eye lightened back up and it moved to pour another drink as quickly as it could, which wasn’t quickly at all. The three sat in a heavy silence while the droid struggled to deliver another few ounces of the liquor. When it arrived, Hux thanked the droid and sipped it.

“Tastes a bit like sewage?”

Ren nodded, still looking down at his drink and instinctively shifting closer to Poe.

“Thanks for coming,” Hux said, looking to both of them, “Lovely station, isn’t it?”

Ren didn’t respond, so Poe did.

“Haven’t seen anything like it,” Poe said.

“Why did you pick this place?” Ren asked.

“There are only a few places in the galaxy I’m allowed to go right now,” Hux said softly, “Sorry.”

They fell back into a painfully awkward silence. _Allowed to go?_ Ren wondered.

“You look well, Ren,” Hux eventually said.

“Thank you,” Ren murmured.

They all sipped their drinks.

“So you’re on your way to the Outer Rim?” Hux asked.

Ren nodded.

“Taking a holiday?” Hux asked, “To the ... _Outer Rim_?”

“We’re going to get wine,” Ren said.

Hux chuckled. “Oh, ok. So, flying across the galaxy to retrieve wine?”

“It’s special wine,” Ren said into his glass.

“Oh. I’m sorry. It was supposed to be a joke,” Hux said, “Not very funny, I suppose.” He sipped his drink. Ren looked over at him, stealing a few glances down at his leg, then looking back up.

_Fuck that was awkward._

“My leg’s doing well,” Hux said, “Better than anticipated.”

“Better than anticipated?”

“Yeah,” Hux said with a shrug, “Given how bad it was at Undu.”

“What?”

Hux nodded, but Ren just gave him a confused look. Their eyes met. Hux realized Ren had no idea what he was talking about.

“You don’t remember?” Hux asked.

Ren shook his head slowly, searching his thoughts … going back to _that day_. But coming up empty.

“I was injured at Undu,” Hux said, searching Ren’s eyes for any sign of recognition, “I was injured when I… When I came to say goodbye to you.”

“What?”

“You really don’t remember?”

Ren shook his head, his eyes growing wide.

“Yes, well. I was critically injured. A blaster shot. But I wanted to say goodbye to you and make sure that you got away. So I tied it off and … found you anyways. And made sure your mum’s shuttle located you.”

Ren shut his eyes. He could only remember seeing Hux’s face, kneeling next to him and peering down over him. He could still see Hux’s blue eyes looking down at him, bent over, a bloodied hand resting near his hairline. He had only just barely been able to make out a few of Hux’s words amidst the explosions and blaster fire, bidding him goodbye and saying that help was coming soon to collect him. Not the First Order. The Resistance. Saying I love you one last time and then pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Ren felt the terrible mystery liquor coming back up. He willed it to stay down, swallowing roughly. He opened his eyes. Hux was looking to him.

“I’m sorry,” Hux said, “I thought you remembered?”

Ren shook his head.

“Fuck,” Hux said, “I’m sorry, Ren. I would’ve mentioned it sooner.”

“It’s ok,” Ren said, “Are you ok?”

“Yes, yes,” Hux said, “I’m quite well. Fixing the tendon and nerve damage done by the blaster required a few surgeries, but I was able to start walking again about six months ago and I’m rehabilitating quickly. The medics are quite pleased.”

Hux seemed proud of himself, straightening up to the posture Ren had remembered him occupying.

“Within a couple years I won’t need the cane anymore at all. They’re expecting a full recovery.”

“Does it hurt?” Ren asked.

“No,” Hux said, “Not really. It’s a bit achy at times after physical therapy, and sometimes in the mornings, but it’s not bad at all.”

Ren nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“No. Sorry for what?” Hux said, “It’s alright. I’m alright, Ren.”

“I’m sorry. I think I’m going to be sick,” Ren murmured, “I need a second.”

Ren got up quickly, leaving Poe and Hux at the bar. Hux watched after Ren, then turned back to Poe, his eyes wide.

“Sorry,” Poe said to Hux, “One second?”

Poe followed Ren to where he’d sunk down against the refresher wall. Poe winced when he saw how filthy the refresher floor was, but he knelt next to Ren anyways, smoothing his hair down and kissing his forehead.

“Babe?” Poe said.

“I need a second, Poe.”

“I know. Are you ok, baby?”

“I’m ok,” Ren said, lifting his gaze from the filthy floor to meet Poe’s eyes, “I need a second. Alone. Please?”

“Ok,” Poe said, “Ok. I’ll wait for you out at the bar. Do you have your comm? Will you message me if you need me?”

Ren nodded and buried his face in his hands. Poe kissed Ren once more then went back out to the bar. Hux had wisely ordered Ren a water, along with waters for himself and Poe too. Poe sat back down on his stool, Ren’s empty space between them.

“Is he alright?” Hux asked.

Poe looked over to Hux. His blue-green eyes were wide, his brow furrowed with worry.

“Yes, he’s ok,” Poe said, “He just needs a minute.”

Hux nodded. Poe nodded.

“You were the one that got him into the transport? You got him to General Organa?” Poe asked.

Hux nodded timidly, his gaze down at his drink.

“I was able to make communication and flag the general’s transport to give them Ren’s coordinates for rescue.”

“Hux,” Poe said, “He would’ve _died_ there. If it weren’t for you.”

“I know,” Hux said, “And I couldn’t let that happen to our delightful Ren, could I?”

Hux smiled a bit and Poe did too.

“You saved his life.”

Hux shrugged, “Well, even _I’m_ bound to do at least one good thing in my life, right?”

Poe smiled. “Thank you,” he said, “Thank you for saving him.”

“Of course,” Hux said, sipping his drink and looking toward the refresher, “Are you sure he’s alright in there?”

Poe nodded. “He is. He was just nervous about seeing you.”

“I understand,” Hux said with a nod, “I honestly had no idea that he didn’t know that I was injured all this time. I thought it was odd that he didn’t at least inquire about me after Undu?”

“Was it bad? Your injury?”

Hux nodded. “They thought I may lose all mobility. I exacerbated the wound in going to save Ren,” He sipped his drink, “But they say I’ll be fine.”

“Good,” Poe said, “I’m glad to hear that.”

They were silent for a few moments as they sipped their liquor. Poe looked towards the refresher but didn’t see Ren.

“So, how is he?” Hux asked, “Not at this moment, I suppose, but generally speaking?”

“Oh,” Poe said, “He’s doing well.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Poe said and looked to Hux. Hux looked at him expectantly and Poe realized that he _really_ wanted to know how Ren was doing.

Poe offered more detail. “He lives with his mom and he goes to mind-cooling therapy twice a week. He’s been working at the New Republic base for a couple months. He’s an astromech droid technician. He’s really good at it. People like him,” Poe said.

Hux nodded.

“We hang out with his family a lot. Leia and Rey and sometimes Luke …” Poe said with a shrug, “He’s happy. He loves them and he’s glad to be home.”

“Good,” Hux said, “Good. I’m glad to hear it.”

Poe nodded.

“How long have you been with him?” Hux asked.

Poe felt a smile forming at the corners of his mouth. He admittedly knew how long they’d been together to the day, but he decided to play it cool. “About three months. Not super long I guess, but … I don’t know. Feels like longer.”

Hux nodded, smiling a bit and sipping his whiskey. “Yeah,” he said, “Things with him tend to move quickly.”

“Do you love him?” Hux asked after a brief period of silence.

“I do,” Poe said, unable to hide his smile now, “Yeah, I love him a lot. He’s amazing.”

Hux smiled, laughing a bit. “Good. I’m glad.”

They sipped their drinks.

“Do you mind if I have a cigarette?” Hux asked.

“No,” Poe said, “Go ahead.”

Hux nodded and pulled a slim silver case from his pocket, opening it and plucking one of the neatly lined cigarettes from beneath the band. He pulled a lighter from his other pocket, lit it and took a long drag. Hux offered one to Poe.

“No, thanks,” Poe said.

Hux nodded and took another long drag, then blew out the smoke. He pulled one of the ashtrays closer.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Hux began, “Do you plan to be with him for a long time? Or is it just… I don’t know. For now?”

“No, yeah,” Poe said, unsure where Hux was going with this, but immediately feeling a bit defensive, “I want to be with him. Forever. For good.”

“Oh, no. No,” Hux said, picking up on the change in Poe’s tone and tapping ash from the butt of his cigarette and into the tray, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to challenge you. I just wanted to be sure that he’ll be looked after?”

“Oh,” Poe said, “Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. I love him a lot and I’m kinda admittedly a bit possessive sometimes. But yes, I’ll take care of him forever.”

“That’s ok. But you’ll take very good care of him?” Hux asked, looking to Poe now, “You’ll never hurt him and never leave him?”

“Yeah,” Poe said, taking in Hux’s expression. _He still cares about Ben._ “Absolutely.”

“You promise?”

“Yes,” Poe said, “Of course. I promise.”

Hux took a long drag. He turned his drink in circles on the table, “He’ll never admit it, but he likes to feel protected,” Hux said.

Poe nodded, studying Hux’s face. His expression had softened. “He really likes to feel safe. Even if it’s just you holding him closely at night. And he likes forehead kisses more than he’d ever admit,” Hux said quietly, not making eye contact with Poe, “And he’s terribly ticklish, especially the bottoms of his feet and the middle of his back.”

“He’s ticklish?” Poe said with a smile.

Hux chuckled, “Very.”

“Does he, um…” Hux began, and paused to take another drag, “Does he still have nightmares?”

“Nightmares?” Poe asked.

Hux nodded.

“Um, yeah. Sort of? He has these … visions … sometimes. But it’s not always while he’s asleep.”

“He’s _awake_ when he was the visions now? Of Snoke?”

Poe nodded.

Hux sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to hear that. How often?”

“Not too often anymore. Just once every week or couple of weeks,” Poe said, “Therapy has helped. And he said … being with me has helped.”

“Oh. Well. That’s much less frequent than when he was with me,” Hux said softly, “I’m glad he’s doing better.”

Hux smoked and tapped more ash from his cigarette while Poe drank.

“Do you intend to marry him?” Hux asked, “If you don’t mind me asking? You really don’t have to answer if you’d prefer not to.”

Poe shrugged, “No, it’s fine. I, uh… I’d love to marry Ben one day. We haven’t really talked seriously about that yet, but, um. Yeah, I’d like to.”

“Good,” Hux said, “And you’ll cover him in kisses and hold him close and protect him? Always?”

“Always.” Poe said with a smile.

“You’ll never leave him?”

“I’ll never leave him.”

Hux looked down and turned his whiskey glass in circles.

“Thank you,” he said, “You’ll be better to him than I was.”

_/// Two Years Earlier_

“A threesome?” Ren asked as he sipped brandy from a snifter and stared straight ahead.

They hadn’t spoken in five days following their fight after the failed Corellia mission, but Hux had reached, out asking to come over for dinner because he wanted to talk to Ren about something.

“Yes,” Hux said with a shrug, “It’d be interesting, no?”

“ _This_ is what you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Yes.”

Ren rolled his eyes.

“Why do you want to have a threesome?”

Hux shrugged. “To keep things interesting… to take our mind off of things.”

“I knew it,” Ren said simply. He put his brandy down and picked at his steamed carrots and broccoli.

“Knew what?”

“You’re an awful liar.”

“Ren. What are you talking about?”

“You’re bored with me. I knew it.”

Hux rolled his eyes, “Don’t be ridiculous, Kylo. I’m not bored with you.”

“Right,” Ren said, with a single nod, “You just want to keep things interesting to ensure we _don’t_ get bored anytime soon. Right?”

“I didn’t say that,” Hux said.

“You did say that.”

Hux turned to face Ren where they were seated at the countertop. He gently rubbed up and down Ren’s thigh with the back of his finger. Ren shuddered a bit at the touch.

“Kylo?”

“What?”

“I’m not bored with you,” Hux said, “I could never get bored with you.”

“Whatever,” Ren said.

“I just think you’d look beautiful. Spread open beneath another guy, moaning my name while I watch him fuck you.”

Ren turned his face up and shook his head. “Or I could just moan your name while _you’re_ fucking me.”

Hux sighed, he stopped rubbing Ren’s thigh. “Why are you being so difficult about this? I figured someone with your sexual history would be quite interested in multi-way intercourse.”

“ _My sexual history_?”

“Well, yes. You’ve slept with twenty-some-odd people,” Hux said, rolling his eyes and turning back to his food.

“You’re calling me a slut,” Ren said, his tone even, but dark, “While asking me to have a three-way that I’m clearly not interested in.”

“I didn’t call you a slut.”

“Who do you think we’re going to have a three-way with on board the _Finalizer_ anyways?” Ren asked, sipping his brandy and setting the snifter down rather forcefully, “In your fantasy of me getting fucked by some other guy, who do you imagine is _the other guy?_ ”

“I didn’t say it had to be someone on the _Finalizer_.”

Ren looked at him, waiting for an explanation.

“We’ll go off-ship. Find partners that way.”

“We’re going to go off-ship, in a time of First Order chaos, in a time where we _barely_ even get to have sex with each other, to post up at local watering holes indefinitely and solicit sex from strangers?”

“I didn’t say anything about a watering hole.”

“Well where are you thinking we’re going to meet sex partners?”

Hux shrugged, “I don’t know. Wherever people meet to hit on each other.”

“Yeah. That’d be a watering hole.”

Hux sighed and looked back down at his dinner plate. He’d ordered an experimental new meatball marinara dish the _Finalizer’s_ kitchen staff had created, but it was fairly inedible. He poked at it.

“I just thought it’d be fun, Kylo. I thought it’d be something you’d like,” Hux muttered.

“Why? Why would I want to have a threesome?”

Hux shrugged. “Because of your past sexual his--”

“Because you think I’m a slut?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well that’s what you’re implying.”

“Well you don’t seem interested in sex with me anymore, so I thought maybe you’d want to involve someone else. I considered ordering a set of odd-looking sex toys and costumes to liven things up, but I know you have latex allergies or whatever,” Hux said.

Ren looked at him.

“Well maybe I don’t seem interested in sex with you anymore because you don’t seem interested in sex with me anymore,” Ren said, “And _no_ , I do not have a latex allergy.”

They chewed their dinner and drank, an awkward heavy silence between them.

“You told me you had a latex allergy last year,” Hux said.

“What makes you think I’m not interested in having sex with you anymore?” Ren asked.

“Because we hardly ever do it.”

“Well we hardly ever see each other, and when we are together, you’re always angry with me about something,” Ren sighed, “We’re both just busy right now ... and Snoke is upset with us and I’m off-ship more often than not and you’re always on the bridge.”

“So it’s my fault? And Supreme Leader Snoke’s fault?”

“No. I didn’t say that. I said we’re _both_ busy,” Ren said, rolling his eyes and gripping his brandy, “ _Fuck_ , you never listen to me.”

Hux poked at a slushy meatball. “I just thought it’d just be something different for us to try together. So we can feel close again -- or closer, at least.”

“And you think that inviting a stranger into our bed will bring us closer?”

“I don’t know, Kylo. I just thought it was something you were into.”

They ate again, a silence settling in between them.

“And now I suppose you’re upset with me?” Hux asked.

Ren ignored him and finished his dinner plate, pushing it away, then finished his brandy, tilting the snifter back and then setting it down.

“I’m going to go meditate. You can leave.”

“We’re still talking,” Hux said, turning to watch Ren walk away, his dirty dinner plate still on the countertop.

“I don’t want to have a threesome,” Ren said, “There. We’re done talking.”

Hux rolled his eyes and clenched his jaw.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you being this way?”

“Why are you asking me to go to bed with another guy?”

“Why are you so hung up on it? All you had to say was: _No, I’m not interested.”_

“Why can’t you just admit that you’re bored with me?”

Hux sighed and cursed under his breath.

“Fine, Kylo. You know what? I’m not bored with you. I’m _tired_ of you,” Hux said, his eyes narrowing, “I’m tired of arguing with you all day on the bridge and with Snoke, then arguing with you all night. I’m tired of how irresponsible and reckless and childish you are. I’m tired of cleaning up after your messes.”

Hux stood up, leaving his half-eaten meatball dish. Kylo watched, his arms crossed over his body.

“And you thought that watching someone else fuck me would fix all of that?”

“Of course not,” Hux said, “I just want to fuck someone else.”

“Fine. So go fuck someone else.”

“So you can throw it back in my face later when you feel jealous and possessive, like you always do?”

“I don’t care who you fuck,” Ren said and turned to walk back to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to make you all wait so long for this chapter! I had trouble deciding where to break it off and what to include here and what to save for the end/epilogue, so it's quite long. Chapter 22 will likely be the final 'official' chapter, followed by an epilogue ... which is also a chapter I guess. I have a bit too much material left to wrap it up in just one installment. 
> 
> OT: I also have a Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren modern AU birthday fic in the works. Oscar Isaac's 37th birthday is Wednesday, March 9 -- so this chapter was also held up a bit while I worked on that. Last year I celebrated Oscar Isaac's birthday by watching Inside Llewyn Davis two times in a row. This year, I plan to post the birthday fic ... if I decide I like it enough to share it. I'm almost certain I'll share it!
> 
> Also OT: Thank you all for your concerns/comments regarding my health a couple of chapters ago. Things are ok - I have to go to physical therapy twice a week to heal the tendonitis and stress fractures in both legs, and other therapy twice a week every other week just for like ... life issues, and it's time consuming, but I'm doing well! Also TFA comes out on DVD April 5 so everything is great. 
> 
> Ok, I'm sorry. That's enough. These are notes too long. This isn't my diary. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	22. Undu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SERIES SUMMARY: Collected from the wreckage of First Order's final battle, Kylo Ren returns to his home planet, his family and the light -- but returning isn't so easy. Without relationships, love and friends, Ren can't fully recover from the mental and emotional damage done to him by the dark side. Increasingly plagued by visions and nightmares of Supreme Leader Snoke, Ren seems to only find peace and relief in one person - Poe Dameron.
> 
> CHAPTER 22 SUMMARY: Ren says goodbye to Hux at Takodana and returns home with Poe, only to have to face the honorary birthday party for Han. Flashback: Ren and Hux's relationship incrementally devolves, concluding with a difficult goodbye at the Battle of Undu. Ren completes a personal mission.

/// CHAPTER 22

Ren came back from the refresher about fifteen minutes after he’d left and joined Hux and Poe at the bar.

“Babe, hi?” Poe said, reaching down to rub his thigh, “Are you ok?”

Ren nodded and scooted his stool up. “I’m ok,” he said with a nod. Poe inspected him, trying to decipher if he was being truthful or not.

“We got you a water,” Hux said.

“Thank you,” Ren said. He drank the entire glass.

“You’re alright?” Hux asked, looking at Ren hesitantly.

Ren nodded and Hux ordered him another water.

“Do you guys want a second to talk?” Poe asked, “Alone?”

Ren shrugged, his gaze cast downward. Poe tried to read him. Frankly, he didn’t want leave his Ren, but he wanted him to feel comfortable saying goodbye to Hux -- and he figured that might be hard to do honestly with Poe sitting right next to him.

“I really don’t mind, baby,” Poe said, “I can leave you two alone for a bit.”

Ren eventually nodded. “Ok.” he said softly.

“If that’s alright?” Hux added, looking at Poe. Poe wasn’t thrilled about leaving Ren alone with his ex, but he was more open to it since he’d been able to talk with Hux alone for a few moments.

Poe noded. “It’s fine. I’m going to go refuel the _Falcon_ and check on BB-8, ok?”

Ren nodded.

“Ok,” Poe said, “Do you want to come meet me at the ship when you’re done?”

“Yeah,” Ren said, “That’s fine.”

Poe nodded, then got up and kissed his forehead. “Message me if you need me, ok?” Poe said and kissed his forehead again, “I’ll see you soon, baby.”

“Ok,” Ren said.

“Ok,” Poe said.

“Ok,” Ren said.

“I love you, babe,” Poe said.

“I love you too, babe,” Ren said. They kissed again, on the lips this time, and for longer than Hux thought was necessary just to say _see you soon._

Hux shifted in his seat a bit. He’d never been so forthcoming about his love and adoration for Ren and he now regretted it. The thought of such a heartfelt goodbye for what may very well only be ten or fifteen minutes apart seemed ridiculous to him, along with the overuse of pet names. Were they always like this? Or just putting on a show for Hux? Something told Hux they were always like this, that Poe was completely unashamed about showing affection for Ren, even if it seemed over-the-top to onlookers. Hux swallowed a lump in his throat.

Ren watched Poe walk away, then looked back down to his glass. He and Hux sat quietly, until Hux spoke first.

“Your boyfriend is wonderful, Kylo.”

Ren smiled a little. “Yeah, he’s not so bad.”

Hux smiled. “He loves you a lot it seems like.”

“He does,” Ren said with a nod.

“So things are well with him? It’s been good?”

“It was a bit rocky to start,” Ren said, “We sort of broke up a few times before we were even officially together. But things are good now.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear it,” Hux said and took his cigarette case out of his pocket.

“Do you mind if I smoke?”

“ _Smoke?_ ”

“Yeah,” Hux said with a shrug.

“Since when do you smoke?”

“Since recently. I had to do something to cope, Ren,” Hux said, taking out a cigarette and placing it between his lips and Ren really missed the way Hux said his name when he was trying to prove a point, “And I really don’t have the time or resources to become addicted to drugs or alcohol.”

Ren nodded as Hux lit his cigarette and took a drag.

“BB-8,” Hux said, thinking back to what Poe had said before he left, then blowing smoke from his lips, “Is that the BB unit that caused all that trouble on Jakku years ago?”

Ren laughed, “It is.”

“He’s here with you?” Hux asked, “Still Poe’s droid? How is he?”

“Yeah, he’s here. He’s great. He didn’t like this place though, so he made Poe take him back to the _Falcon_. He’s pretty spoiled. He isn’t so much Poe’s droid as Poe is his human.”

“What an insubordinate little shit,” Hux said with a smile.

“Yeah,” Ren said, “And he’s never lost a game of dejarik, unless he throws the match to let either Poe or I win now and again.”

“Never lost dejarik?” Hux asked, smirking and taking a drag from his cigarette. Ren knew that Hux had never lost a game of dejarik either.

“I’d like to square off one day with this troublesome, yet undefeated, BB unit.”

Hux smoked and Ren ordered one more drink.

“He’s gorgeous,” Hux said.

“BB-8?”

“No,” Hux said with a laugh, “Poe.”

“ _Poe?_ ”

“Yes, Poe,” Hux said, blowing smoke, “Your boyfriend. You know, the one who was just here with the charming smile and rugged beard and the lovely salt-and-pepper hair and doesn’t cease in calling you pet names?”

Ren stared, feeling his cheeks blush a bit. “Seriously?”

“What?” Hux said with a smile, tapping some ash into the tray, “I’m not allowed to tell you that your boyfriend is attractive?”

Ren smiled, feeling a little better seeing that Hux’s mood was light.

“No, it’s alright, I guess,” Ren said, “But yeah, he’s gorgeous.”

Hux signaled for another drink. The bartender creaked to life and worked on pouring more liquor.

“How’d you meet Poe? On Cronoe, I presume, but how’d your paths cross?”

“My mom.”

“Your mother set you up?”

Ren smiled, “Well, yeah. But she didn’t mean to.”

Hux raised his eyebrows.

“I didn’t see anyone really for the first year I was home,” Ren said with a shrug, “And they thought I needed company, so my mom --”

“So your mum introduced you to the most attractive, charming pilot she could summon?”

Ren laughed, and Hux smiled, blowing smoke.

“Pretty much,” Ren said, swirling his drink in his glass before sipping it, “She invited him over for dinner and then we sort of started dating right after that.”

“You mean you fucked him in the bathroom between the entree and dessert courses?” Hux asked, a wry smile on his lips as he pulled from his cigarette.

“Shut up,” Ren said with a laugh.

"So that's a yes?"

"No. We didn't fuck each other during dinner with my mom."

"I suppose I'll take your word for it," Hux said, tapping ash into the tray,“He’s forgiven you for the interrogation after Jakku?”

Ren smiled, “I think he’s gotten over it.”

“I’ll bet he has,” Hux said, glancing at Ren from the side of his eye as he blew smoke out from his mouth on the opposite side. They both sipped their drinks, the mood lightened now and Ren realizing how much he’d missed just _talking_ to Hux.

“So, where are you like … living these days?” Ren asked.

“I’m currently on Rakata Prime,” Hux said.

“Rakata Prime?” Ren said, “Why?”

Hux pulled from his cigarette. “There’s something of a First Order reformation camp there. Lots of debriefings and hearings and dismantling of resources. Most former First Order personnel are stationed there right now, officers and stormtroopers and staff.”

“Oh,” Ren said then paused, thinking about Hux’s words, “Like a refugee camp? Or a prison camp?”

Hux shrugged, “They’re one and the same,” he said as if he was indifferent to the significant differences between being a _refugee_ and being a _prisoner_.

“No they're not, Hux. Can you -- can everyone just come and go? Did _you_ come here alone?”

“Not necessarily,” Hux said, looking down, he fidgeted with his cigarette, “I have babysitters here with me.”

“ _Babysitters_?”

“Well, that’s what I call them at least. I have a few armed guards who tail me to ensure I don’t do anything crazy like steal a ship and flee to the other side of the galaxy.”

Ren processed Hux’s words. “So you’re a _prisoner_?”

“Well no, I wouldn’t really say --”

“So it’s a prison camp? Are you being held captive? Against your will? Are they _here in the bar_? Your babysitters?” Ren said, turning to look around the room.

“Yes, the babysitters are here,” Hux said, motioning to two men in the corner. Ren checked them out. Two New Republic ground troopers by the looks of them.

“But no, I’m not being held captive,” Hux continued, “I’m not a prisoner. There are New Republic officers and guards who run the camp for First Order refugees, so to speak. And those two keep an eye on me.”

“So it’s a prison camp,” Ren said, turning again to look at Hux’s babysitters.

The droid dropped off Hux’s drink.

“It’s not. It’s more a refugee camp, ok?

“Yet they wouldn’t let you leave without your babysitters? Why are there two of them? You’re crippled. What do you they think you’re going to do?”

“I’m not _crippled_ , Ren” Hux said, feeling slightly offended, “I’m temporarily handicapped.”

“Did they hurt you?” Ren asked, feeling himself become a bit defensive.

“Who?”

“The Resistance. Anyone.”

“No,” Hux said, “No one’s hurt me.”

Ren sighed. “So what goes on at the _refugee camp_?"

Hux sighed.

“The camp is just a way for the New Republic to temporarily detain and process former First Order troops, officers and personnel, for questioning and negotiating,” Hux explained, “The highest-ranking officers of the former First Order are engaging in peace talks with the New Republic. We’re in the process of reforming. Once that’s done, we’ll likely stay at the base on Rakata Prime, and the New Republic officers will likely leave.”

Ren finished his drink and shook his head, “I can’t believe my mother didn’t tell me about this.”

“Well,” Hux said, “You’ve probably had quite a lot else on your mind. Poe told me you’re still having visions of Snoke?”

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Ren said.

“Ok,” Hux said.

“So you’re not a prisoner? No one’s hurt you?”

“No, Ren. I’m not a prisoner. No one’s hurt me. I’m quite well,” Hux said, “I’ve been adequately cared for.”

“But you couldn’t leave if you wanted to?” Ren asked.

“Well, no,” Hux said, “Not right now. But that’s because I’m needed for peace talks. Also, I’ve nowhere else to go.”

Ren couldn’t believe his mother hadn’t told him about this refugee/prison camp. He’d had a lot on his mind, and he hadn’t thought too deeply about what happened to the former First Order.

Hux took a drag from his cigarette and tapped more ash into the tray. He could tell that Ren was upset.

“What did you think would happen to the First Order, Ren? After Undu?”

“I don’t know,” Ren said bitterly, angry at himself for not having thought about this before now.

Hux sighed.

“Well, Rakata Prime is a fine planet. I haven’t been on land in decades, so it’s wonderful to have things like grass and trees and bodies of water.”

Ren pushed on his mind. What Hux was saying was mostly truth. But he was holding back. Hux must’ve felt the slight intrusion.

“It was hard for a while,” Hux said with a shrug, “I frankly missed you quite a lot. And I was worried about you, about if you’d been safely collected from Undu. And dealing with the collapse of the First Order wasn’t easy. And recovering hasn’t been easy either. But I’ve not … I’ve not been alone.”

“Are you… and Astrid… still?”

“Yes,” Hux said, “Astrid and I are still together.”

Ren nodded. “Things are good?”

“Yes, things are quite well. She’s very much to thank for how well my recovery is going.”

“Oh,” Ren said. _Astrid the head medic_. “Yeah. Of course. Good. That’s great. It’s good that you have her.”

“Yes. And plus, now with Snoke out of the picture, myself and the remaining former First Order officers have a chance to reform, in conjunction with the New Republic.”

 _Now with Snoke out of the picture..._ Ren shook his head.

“Snoke isn’t out of the picture,” Ren said.

“What?”

“Snoke isn’t out of the picture, Hux,” Ren said again.

“What do you mean Snoke _isn’t out of the picture_?”

“Snoke talks to me. He speaks to me. Actively.”

Hux’s eyes were wide.

“He doesn’t leave me alone,” Ren said, “He’s stronger now than ever. To me at least.”

“Fuck,” Hux said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were still dealing with that.”

“It only quiets when I’m … when I’m with Poe.”

Hux took one last pull from his cigarette then blew out the smoke and crushed the butt into the ashtray. He smiled a bit.

“So Poe is your anti-Snoke?” Hux said, “No wonder you love him.”

“Poe is my _anti-Snoke_ ,” Ren confirmed, having not thought of it that way, “He makes me happy. I don’t think Snoke ever wanted me to be happy.”

Hux nodded, remembering how bad the nightmares of Snoke had become when their fighting and stress level had increased towards the end of their relationship.

“I’m sorry, Kylo,” Hux said, remembering the way Ren would wake up at night, sweating and clinging to him, “I had no idea. I’m glad you have Poe. To help quiet the nightmares. I remember how awful they were.”

“And I’m glad you have Astrid,” Ren admitted softly, “Glad you haven’t been alone.”

Hux nodded. “I love her very much.”

They were silent for a while.

“Thank you,” Ren said, “For saving my life, at the sake of your own. For making sure my mom found me at Undu. Even though you were injured.”

“You’re welcome,” Hux said, “I’m sorry. For how terribly things ended between us.”

“It’s ok,” Ren said, “It wasn’t your fault. It was my fault too.”

"It really wasn't," Hux said softly. 

"It doesn't really matter now whose fault it was," Ren said. 

They both fell silent.

“Thank you for coming here, for meeting me,” Hux said.

“You’re welcome. It’s nice to see you,” Ren said with a nod, looking over at Hux and surveying his mess of red hair, “And I like your long hair.”

Hux chuckled. “Do you really? I just can't seem to find anyone to give me an adequate haircut."

“I do. It looks so _red_ ,” Ren said softly, “It’s very _non-General Hux_ of you.”

Hux smiled. “Thank you, Kylo. Astrid likes it too. And I think being under the sun for the first time in decades has helped bring out the color.”

They were silent for a while as they sipped their drinks.

“So, uh,” Ren said, sensing that the longer he stayed here with Hux, the harder it would be to leave, “Poe and I can’t stay very long. We want to make it to the Outer Rim to pick up the wine by morning and get back home soon. I don’t really like being away.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Hux said, “Of course. I can’t be gone too long either. The babysitters are already getting antsy.”

“Oh,” Ren said with a nod, looking over at them.

Hux finished his drink.

“Shall I walk you back to your ship? I’d like to say goodbye to Poe as well.”

_/// Eighteen Months Earlier_

Ren checked the time on his datapad, then checked his comm again. Still nothing from Hux. Ren sighed and shut off the Holoscreen, then turned off the bedside lamp. He slid his ring off and laid it on the bedside table, then curled up in bed alone, too tired to deal with the now nightly thoughts of _where is Hux_? He shut his eyes and tried to calm himself enough to let sleep take over, but his thoughts went back to that night: the night of their awful threesome, the last nail in the coffin of their sex life.

Ultimately, Ren had given into Hux’s request to invite someone else into their bed. Ren knew how much Hux wanted it, and Ren missed Hux -- missed having sex with him, missed feeling loved by him. So he gave it a go, even though he really didn’t want to.

As Ren predicted, they hadn’t had time to leave the _Finalizer_ to find a partner, so they’d settled for a junior admiral, after swearing him to secrecy. The whole ordeal had gone terribly. Hux had wanted Ren to be the one to initiate sex, but Ren was terrible at flirting. The admiral was admittedly attractive, but Ren wasn’t good at sending or receiving signals. Either way, Ren’s flirting had worked well enough and they’d ended up at Ren’s place. The admiral had an unfortunate choking fetish, it turned out and asked Ren to _force-choke him_. Ren had rolled his eyes. _Force-choke?_ _That_ was the phrase people used to refer to Vader’s disciplinary tactic of constricting his victim’s airways, sometimes until death?

Ren went along with it, just wanting to get the whole thing over with, but Ren had frankly never force-choked anyone. While his better judgment told him to avoid employing _any_ inappropriate use of the force on a stranger, much less a tactic he’d never used, he proceeded anyways. He'd completely misjudged _where and what exactly_ to constrict, along with the amount of force needed to close the airway enough to make it pleasurable, instead of lethal. Ren had cut off all oxygen supply to the admiral’s brain in a matter of seconds, damaging his trachea too. Ren didn’t release him soon enough and the admiral had passed out and remained unresponsive for minutes following, thereby ending the night with him being wheeled off on a medic’s cart while Hux hid away.

Ren had remained positive, insisting that it'd be funny later, but Hux had been _furious_ with him, suggesting that Ren had tried to kill the admiral on purpose to end the interaction. Ren denied it as he watched Hux get dressed. Hux had ignored Ren's proposal that the two of them could still finish, and gone back to his place, leaving Ren to sleep alone that night, and most nights since that one five days earlier.

After trying for a few minutes to fall asleep and making no progress, he opened one eye and peeked at the ring on the table next to his pendant. It was staring at him. He muttered under his breath and rolled over towards the center of the bed -- towards Hux’s side, but that was even less favorable than the ring staring at him. He turned back over, opened the bedside table drawer, slid the ring into the drawer, then shut it.

He closed his eyes and thought about how nice it had felt to hold Hux in his arms on the night where he’d first given him the _Starkiller_ ring. He missed the way Hux used to be so excited to see him after his absences, after their time apart, that he would run and jump into Ren’s arms, trusting Ren to catch him and hold him safely there. He missed the way Hux would never think to let Ren fall asleep in their bed without his arms there to hold him closely.

Ren pushed the memories away, and just as he was in the mental space between definitely not awake, but not quite asleep either, he felt a familiar presence in the unit. _Hux._ He heard Hux quietly creep into the bedroom, treading lightly and undressing silently before slipping into bed with Ren and spooning him, pulling him closer.

In his sleepy haze, Ren instinctively snuggled back into Hux’s hips, glad to at least have someone hold him while he fell asleep. He felt Hux’s arms around him, cold, but clammy. He felt the cool granite of the _Starkiller_ ring on his stomach.

“Where’ve you been?” Ren murmured.

“They needed me on the bridge,” Hux said, placing a kiss to the back of Ren’s shoulder, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Ren murmured a response that even he didn’t recognize. He knew that Hux hadn’t been on the bridge, but right now, he didn’t care. He was too tired to wonder about where Hux had really been, to wonder about their relationship was going. For now, he only cared that Hux had come back to him and was there now to hold him while he slept, if only for now.

“Goodnight, Kylo,” Hux said softly.

_/// Present_

Watching Hux try to walk was painful for Ren. Ren was used to walking side-by-side with Hux through the halls of the _Finalizer_ with their quick clip of a pace, their boots making an audible noise as they moved. But now, Hux moved slowly, leaning quite heavily on his cane with each step. Ren hated it.

“Hux?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t like this. Seeing you hurt.”

“I’m alright,” Hux said. Ren probed on Hux’s mind again. He wasn’t in terrible pain, but his leg was bothering him with all the activity today and he was irritated at having to move slower than he wanted, especially when he too was used to keeping in stride with Ren. He was also buzzed and wishing he'd ordered the fried cheese platter at the lounge. Ren wanted to think about something else, wanted their last words exchanged to be on a more savory topic than Hux’s crippling injury.

“What’s your life like? On Rakata Prime?” Ren asked, slowing down a bit more as he sensed Hux was growing a little tired.

“Oh, it’s lovely,” Hux said with a smile, “It’s a tropical planet. Have you been before?”

“I have,” Ren said. Hux nodded.

“Astrid and I live in a village on the west coast with most of the other former officers. I don’t work more than 5 or so hours a day, and I get to do my physical therapy sessions outdoors with Astrid. Astrid works too, still as a medic, but not too often. We have a small garden with fruit and vegetable trees,” Hux said, still smiling and Ren couldn’t help but notice how odd it felt to hear Hux speak so favorably of domestic mostly-civilian life, “And Astrid and I have had time to learn to cook. Last night we had homemade rye bread and fresh-caught fish with garden veggies and fried plantains over homemade vanilla bean ice cream for dessert.”

Ren laughed, much louder than he’d anticipated. “ _Wow_ ,” Ren said, “Are you starting a lifestyle and relationship Holoblog soon too?”

Hux rolled his eyes, but Ren didn’t miss his comfortable smile. “What’s your life like on Cronoe? With Poe?” Hux asked,  “He’s already told me a bit, but I want to hear it from you too.”

Ren smiled too, “You talked?”

“Yes, while you were in the refresher having your meltdown,” Hux said, still leaning on his cane, “You thought we’d just sat there in silence?”

Ren shrugged.

“Tell me about your life,” Hux said.

“I mostly live with Poe at his place, but sometimes we stay with my mom at the estate. I work at the base. I fix astromech droids mostly, sometimes X-Wing engines. I’ve made a few friends there,” Ren said with a shrug, “I see my family a lot. We’re planning a birthday party for my dad.” Ren felt a sting -- he hadn’t casually referred to Han as _his dad_ in at least a decade. He brushed it away, a grip on his chest and tears trying to find his eyes. He thought of something happier.

“Poe and I spend all of our time together. He likes to cook and I like to watch. We eat dinner in the garden together most nights and then once dinner is done we cuddle up under our favorite blanket and we watch old films stored in BB-8’s memory. Or, if we have dinner with my family, we eat in my mom’s garden and then hang out in front of the fire together.”

“That sounds lovely,” Hux said, “Do you like being home with your mother?”

“I love it. I love being with her again,” Ren said, “It’s amazing.”

Hux smiled. “I told Poe you were ticklish.”

“What?”

“Yes,” Hux said, “So you have that to look forward to.”

They rounded a corner and began walking the final stretch to the _Falcon_. Ren checked in on Hux's thoughts. He was still thinking about the fried cheese.

“I’m glad you’re happy,” Hux said.

“I’m glad you’re happy too.”

“Will you stay? On Rakata Prime?”

“Astrid and I would like to, yes,” Hux said.

“I miss you sometimes,” Ren said softly, “I still think about you, even when I’m with Poe… about what it would’ve been like if we would’ve met anywhere else, under different circumstances. Maybe at the Academy or … I don’t know.”

“But you didn’t go the Academy,” Hux said.

“I know,” Ren said, “I’m just saying _if_ we met there or anywhere else where Snoke and the First Order weren’t weighing on us and our relationship so heavily… would things have been different for us?”

“Where else would we have met, Ren?” Hux asked.

“I don’t know,” Ren said.

“Seriously,” Hux said, “Where else would our paths have crossed if not on the _Finalizer_? And in a way that we could’ve lived out a relationship absent of Snoke and First Order?”

Ren thought about it, but came up empty. He knew where Hux was going.

“I miss you often, Ren,” Hux said, “And I think about you too. And I think that in some nonexistent alternate universe where I wasn’t General Hux and you weren’t Kylo Ren we could’ve met at some watering hole or local market kiosk and been happy together, living in civilian bliss.”

They were quiet for a few steps.

“But that wasn’t the case. And I know that I’ve classically been a man of science, but I think our paths crossing, our being together and then our not being together was just what the galaxy had in store for us,” Hux said with a shrug, “If I didn’t know you under our circumstances, I’d have not met Astrid. If you didn’t know me, you may not have gotten back home to your mother or met Poe.”

Ren nodded.

“I don’t think our relationship was meaningless,” Hux said, “But I don’t think the galaxy intended for us to be together.”

Ren had to smile a bit. “The  _galaxy_ didn’t intend for us to be together? Have you been smoking whatever local grass grows in your garden as well?”

Hux rolled his eyes.

“You’ve never thought of the galaxy as anything more than something to be ruled. Not a living thing with a will and plans and an intended purpose for its inhabitants,” Ren said.

“Well you’ve changed my mind, Kylo.”

Ren chuckled, liking this new Hux who wore ratty sweaters and a scruffy beard and spoke of the galaxy’s plans for their lives. They walked the rest of the way in silence. Poe eventually spotted them, he was just finishing fueling up the _Falcon_ for the rest of their trip to the Outer Rim.

“Hey,” Poe said, coming over to them, “Hi, baby.”

Poe kissed Ren’s cheek and Hux didn’t miss the immediate use of a pet name.

“Hi, Poe.”

“Ready to go, babe?” Poe asked hesitantly. Hux added another mark to his mental pet name tally.

“Yeah,” Ren said, “I’m ready.”

Poe nodded.

“I just wanted to come and say goodbye,” Hux said, “And to thank you for loving and caring for Ren. It was nice to meet you.”

Poe nodded, a bit surprised. “Thank you. It was nice to meet you too.”

Hux nodded, reaching out his hand. Poe ignored it, instead pulling him into a hug. Hux smiled, lifting the arm not used by his cane to hug Poe back.

Poe hugged him, parting with a final squeeze. Hux turned to Ren next. They paused, just looking at each other.

“Thank you for coming,” Hux said.

Ren nodded. “You’re welcome. It was good to see you.”

Hux nodded. “Can I hug you?” he asked hesitantly.

Ren looked at Poe out of the side of his eye, felt Poe’s approval, then nodded.

Hux moved in closer to Ren and slowly reached his arms up to wrap around Ren’s neck, cane still in hand. Ren hugged him tightly, his long, strong arms wrapping around Hux’s waist and holding him there. They held each other that way, just like they'd liked to on the _Finalizer_ , Hux squeezing Ren’s neck and Ren squeezing Hux’s waist. Eventually, Hux let go of his cane, letting it fall to the ground so he could tangle his hand in Ren’s hair.

Ren’s arms were wrapped unapologetically around Hux’s waist, holding him firmly and securely, gently lifting him from his feet. Hux clung to Ren’s neck to hang on and they hugged each other that way for longer than they really needed to, but Ren couldn’t stand to let go and Hux couldn’t stand to let go either, knowing that once they did relinquish their grip, it'd be over. Finally, Ren sat Hux down, having received mental signals that he was squeezing Hux so hard it was becoming difficult to breathe. Ren gently returned Hux to his feet and Hux let one arm release from Ren’s neck, but still held onto Ren with the other as Ren retrieved the fallen cane for him. Hux took his cane and leaned on it again. Ren immediately hated seeing Hux have to lean on his cane when he had two arms that were capable of holding him instead.

“Goodbye, Hux,” Ren said, "Make your babysitters get you some fried cheese, ok?"

Hux rolled his eyes, but smiled, “Goodbye, Ren.”

_/// Sixteen Months Earlier_

Ren had stopped wearing his _Starkiller_ ring weeks ago. As the First Order withered away, so did Hux and Ren’s relationship. Ren was rarely onboard the _Finalizer_ anymore. More than anything, he lived on his command shuttle, traveling all over the galaxy in one last fighting defense of the First Order, a defense he cared little about. It was unspoken knowledge that the end of the First Order was near, but Snoke still required Hux and Ren to maintain their duties - to fight until the end. Ren had returned to the _Finalizer_ earlier that day. He hadn’t seen or spoken to Hux in five weeks, outside of limited work-related communications.

Ren chewed on onion-flavored crisps in bed as he played a game on his datapad at full volume. Hux hated when he atein bed and played noisy games, but Hux wasn’t there. He casually guided his virtual ships through a virtual asteroid field and wished he'd gotten whiskey before he sat down. With the impending collapse of the First Order, Ren had started to feel a surprising sense of calm come over him. Soon, he and Hux would no longer have to interact with each other in a work capacity. Ren wanted to leave. To go far away. To live in seclusion. He wanted to get rid of Snoke, to end the nightmares that haunted him while he tried to sleep. He wanted to leave it all. To leave Kylo Ren behind. And he wanted to convince Hux to come with him.

Without the First Order there to drive them apart, Ren imagined that he and Hux could be together again -- and actually be _happy_. He imagined they’d live somewhere in the Expansion Region or the Outer Rim -- he had his eye on Bothawui or Utapau. He imagined they could live in a small village or remote outpost in a modest bungalow. Ren could find work repairing ships or droids. When Hux was still at the Academy, he’d made credits on the side by doing assorted projects, mostly math and technical-related. He knew how to write Holoweb code and Holoweb search algorithms. He was good at bookkeeping and accounting. He could do these all remotely, from the bungalow Ren had built for them in his mind.

Ren looked up when he heard the beeps of the door code, then the door opening. _Hux._ It was late. Nearly 0200 hours. He immediately sensed something was wrong. Hux hadn’t been staying at his place at all lately, and he wasn’t in the habit of dropping by either. Ren figured he just needed some space as he dealt with the collapse of the empire he’d wanted to build and that they’d be able to be together again once it was over. But now, Ren felt the pit of his stomach turn. He sat up a bit, careful not to agitate his side. He’d been injured earlier and he honestly couldn’t even remember what had done it - a blaster, a dagger, a stray missile. He couldn’t keep them straight anymore. He heard the sharp click of Hux’s boots on his floor.

“Ren?” Hux called, “Are you still up?”

Ren said nothing, but looked to the doorway as Hux appeared. Hux looked tired, the lines of worry etched in his face seemed deeper today and his eyes seemed dull. They stared at each other for a few moments. Ren probably didn’t look great either -- he’d been gone a lot lately, sleeping very little and injured often, so he was a mess of bruises, cuts and wounds with dark circles under his eyes to round out his look.

“Hux,” Ren said.

“Hi, Ren.”

Hux entered hesitantly, like this room wasn’t the one he’d lived in for years.

“I need to talk you,” Hux said. Ren watched curiously as Hux pulled up a chair next to the bed. Ren hadn’t watched Hux pull a chair next to his bed in nearly four years -- not since Hux had been charged to take care of him after the collapse of _Starkiller_ and they’d shared their first whiskey.

Hux sat down and leaned forward so his elbows were resting on his knees.

“Hux?” Ren said softly.

“Kylo,” Hux spoke gently, looking up to meet Ren’s eyes.

“You and I both know that this …” Hux paused, “... that this isn’t really working for us anymore.”

“This, _what_ , Hux?” Ren said, his tone darker than he’d intended, “Finish your thought.”

“Ren… don’t --”

“Finish it,” Ren said, staring at Hux. Hux looked down and swallowed.

“This ... arrangement isn’t--”

“ _Arrangement?_ ” Ren said, “Is that all this has been to you? For the last three years? An _arrangement_?”

Hux sighed. He ran a his hands over his face. Ren noticed he wasn’t wearing the _Starkiller_ ring.

“Whatever our relationship was … it isn’t working for us anymore, Ren,” Hux said, “I’m sorry. I can’t -- I can’t be with you.”

“ _Whatever our relationship was_?” Ren echoed Hux’s words and stared directly at him, trying to figure out if he was genuinely unaware of what their relationship had been or if he was just being an ass.

“Ok, maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I’m a complete psycho,” Ren said, “But I’m pretty sure that two people who spend the better part of three years together, kissing each other and holding each other and fucking each other and saying _I love you_ every single fucking day might be something akin to being in a serious relationship.”

Hux still looked down.

“Am I mistaken?”

“No,” Hux began, “I--”

“Then can you describe what the fuck you mean when you say arrangement?” Ren said, glaring at an unresponsive Hux, “What you mean when you say that you say _whatever relationship was_?”

Hux said nothing.

“Was someone paying you credits to be with me? Were you using me to get closer to Snoke? Were you planning to kill me in my sleep or poison my drink?” Ren demanded, “Why the fuck did you even spend the last three years with me, Hux?”

Hux still looked down and Ren had never known Hux to be this reserved in their arguments. Ren wished Hux would come out with his fiery temper and burning eyes and crimson cheeks. But instead he just sat there, shoulders slumped staring at the ground.

“Why were you even with me?” Ren was yelling now, just to be sure Hux’s not responding to him wasn’t because he was suddenly hard of hearing, “Our entire fucking _arrangement_ was your idea! I was fine without company, without human companionship, but you insisted on being in my life and told me you loved me and made me believe it and now you’re just going to fucking _leave_ and pretend that what we had -- that what we _were_ wasn’t significant?”

Hux hadn’t moved.

“Will you fucking answer me?”

“I don’t know how to love and I’m afraid of being alone,” Hux said sharply, looking up now, “It’s an excruciating combination.”

He looked back down. “I wanted to be with you because I was afraid that I’d never be able to love anyone and that I’d be alone forever.”

Ren looked at him, brushing intrusively against his mind. Hux looked back down now.

“That’s all you’re going to say?” Ren asked, “That you used me as your relationship prototype?”

“Once I got to know you, absent of work, I thought you were beautiful and interesting and intriguing and I thought maybe I could be with you and learn to love you,” Hux said softly, “But I don’t know _how_ to love. I was never taught love. I was never taught _to_ love anyone. I was taught how to do a lot of things. How to give orders and develop training regimens and operate a space station and stretch resources and outsmart opponents and _hate_.”

Hux paused, looking up at Ren.

“No one ever loved me. No one ever hugged me or held me or gave me kisses. Or taught me how to care about people and how to form bonds and how to nurture human relationships.”

Hux looked back down.

“Once I got to know you, I realized that you’re soft and sweet and caring. I realized that you couldn’t possibly be as dark as _Kylo Ren_ would lead people to believe, because someone _loved_ you. Someone loved you so much. You’d been taught to love, not to hate.”

Hux met Ren’s gaze and shrugged.

“I just thought I could love you and that I could figure out how to be a person who cares about more than power and control.”  

Ren blinked.

“But now this whole thing is ending soon. The First Order,” Hux murmured, “And dealing with that and dealing with you. And my feelings for you. It’s too much.”

Hux looked down at his thumbs.

“And once _this_ whole thing is over,” Hux said, looking around Ren’s _Finalizer_ penthouse, “I’m not sure what will happen. I don’t know where I’ll be or where you’ll be, but I can’t imagine we’ll be able to be together. Or that we’ll be able to maintain contact anyways.”

Ren still probed on his mind. His statements were truthful, but something was missing.

“I’m not even sure how much longer I’ll be here. On the _Finalizer_. We’ve already been destroying data files and dismantling systems and choosing potential hideouts where we can deal with the fallout.”

A thick silence settled between them.

“You aren’t even going to tell me that there’s someone else?” Ren asked.

Hux sighed.

“You aren’t even going to tell me that you’re fucking someone else?”

Hux said nothing.

“How long?” Ren asked, looking down at the paused game in his lap.

“A couple months,” Hux said.

Ren should’ve known, but he’d spent so much time avoiding Hux and scrambling all over the galaxy that he hadn’t even bothered to check in on Hux’s thoughts.

“It’s Astrid?” Ren asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Hux nodded, his gaze still cast down.

“I’m sorry, Ren,” Hux said softly.

“Well do you love _Astrid_?”

Ren looked at Hux. His eyes cast down again and his shoulders slumped. He was still dressed in his impeccable uniform, even though Ren knew that he’d grown to despise having to wear it lately. He looked defeated and worn. He shrugged.

“I don’t know,” Hux said, “I don’t know if I love Astrid. But we have similar backgrounds. She only had her mother to love her, grew up disliking the Rebellion. And once her mother died, she too had no one.”

Hux shrugged. “And it’s just nice to be with someone who I don’t fight with constantly.”

Ren processed Hux’s words, processed the fact that he was being broken up with, processed the fact that Hux was with someone else. A woman. Ren looked down to his lap, his datapad had gone dark from inactivity.

“You did a fine job, Hux,” Ren finally said, surprising himself a bit by paying Hux a _compliment_ in this moment, “Of loving me.”

Hux looked at him, obviously confused by the compliment as well.

“I felt loved by you. And I loved you back,” Ren said, “I still love you, Hux.”

“I’m sorry, Ren. I’m so sorry. I know that --”

“I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m going off ship,” Ren said, not caring to hear Hux’s apology or talk about this anymore, “I won’t be back for a few days. Maybe a week. Maybe never. I don’t know.”

“Ren, don’t talk like --”

“Will you stay here?” Ren asked with a deep sigh of resignation, “With me? Just tonight? Just one last time?”

Hux looked up now. Ren felt Hux’s eyes on him.

“I’ll be out of your way after this,” Ren said.

“You want me to _stay here_?”

Ren shrugged and nodded timidly. “It’s just … it’s the last night we’ll ever be together. The last night I’ll probably spend with anyone.”

“Ren, don’t --”

“Just hold me? Just for tonight?”

Hux looked at Ren. The unruly dark hair, the circles under his eyes, his sad pouty lips, his dark eyes that wouldn’t look up to meet him. Hux nodded.

“I’ll stay with you, Kylo,” Hux said.

Kylo looked up, his eyes meeting Hux’s now.

Hux stood and returned the chair to the corner. He slowly undressed, folding his clothes neatly and placing them on the shelf in the closet, hanging his coat in the closet where he always had and placing his boots in the closet too. He undressed entirely, placed his underwear with his folded clothes, ruffled his hair, then slid into bed next to Ren.

Once Hux was in bed with him, Ren sat his datapad on the table, then took off his shirt and slid off his pants one leg at a time. He dropped them to the floor. Hux looked over at him, turning and letting his fingers grace Ren’s side.

“You’re injured,” Hux said.

“I’m fine.”

“Do you want Astrid to look at it?”

Ren stared at him. “ _No._ I don’t want Astrid to look at it,” Ren said her name with a dark undertone that Hux didn’t like, but couldn’t really blame Ren.

Hux sighed. He pulled out his comm to send a message, presumably to Astrid, then slid all the way down beneath the covers, pulling them up past his chest.

“You’re not going to finish undressing?” Hux asked, his finger at the waistband of Ren’s underwear. Ren slid his underwear off, dropped them to the floor, then turned off the lamp next to the bed and slid beneath the covers too.

They laid there in silence on their backs, a few inches of space between their bodies.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Hux said, “Your wounds?”

“I’m fine,” Ren said.

They both laid on their backs for a few more minutes, until Ren rolled over onto his side to face Hux, curled up into a ball.

“Will you hold me please, Hux?”

Hux looked over at Ren, curled up in the fetal position, naked and alone. He nodded and turned to face Ren, placing a kiss on Ren’s forehead.

“I’ll hold you, Kylo.”

Ren turned to his other side so Hux could be his big spoon one last time. Hux moved in, one arm draping over Ren’s side, then hugging his torso close, the other bent under the pillow to support their heads. Ren kissed Hux’s shoulder and moved in so his cock nested against Ren’s ass, right where he’d liked it to be when he’d held Ren like this over the years.

“Why do you say that this is the last night you’ll ever spend with anyone?” Hux asked, feeling Ren just barely back into him.

“Because I’m never entering another _arrangement_ again,” Ren said.

Hux sighed and pulled their bodies closer. He rubbed his hips gently against Ren.

“Yes you will.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Ren.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

They were quiet.

“I love you, but you’ll be with someone one day who loves you a lot more than I can.”

“Stop it, Hux,” Ren said.

Hux sighed.

“Did you want to have sex?” Hux asked.

“Did I say I wanted to have sex?” Ren responded.

“No.”

“Then I don’t want to have sex, do I?”

Hux sighed again, feeling bad for having even brought it up.

“I can’t have sex with you again,” Ren said after a sufficiently awkward silence, “I have to let you go.”

Hux squeezed Ren’s fingers, laced in his own. They were quiet for a few minutes, their breath growing softer and more steady.

“I’m sorry no one loved you,” Ren said, “When you were a kid.”

“It’s alright,” Hux said, “It’s over now.”

“Did you have a mother?”

“Not really,” Hux said, “She left when I was very young. My father drove her away, but wouldn't let her take me.”

“And your father?”

“Hated me,” Hux said, “I was never good enough for him I guess. He’s very much a fan of natural selection, and he thought that I was weak. He was abusive and angry and ruthless and he drank a lot.”

“Where is he now?” Ren asked.

“The Expansion Region,” Hux said, “Nal Hutta.”

“Does he speak to you?”

“He attempts to,” Hux said.

“What does that mean? He _attempts_ to?”

“I have his calls and messages screened.”

“What?” Ren said, “He tries to contact you?”

“Periodically, yes.”

“What does he say to you?”

“Voices his continued disappointments for the most part.”

“I can’t believe you never mentioned this.”

“I don’t particularly like talking about it.”

Ren swallowed, hating that this man was continuing to harass Hux.

“Your parents loved you?” Hux asked.

“They did,” Ren said.

“What was it like?” Hux asked, shifting his weight a bit, “To have parents who loved you?”

Ren rubbed Hux’s thumb with his. How could he describe what it was like to be loved? To have parents who had cared for him?

“They made me feel safe when I was scared. When I’d have a bad dream, usually about Snoke, they’d let me sleep in their bed, in between them, and they’d hold me all night. They went out of their way to make me happy, even though I knew they had problems of their own. My mom taught me how to cook and my dad taught me how to fly. They praised everything I hated about myself, my big ears, my long limbs, my height, my voice. My dad liked making me smile and my mom liked to tell me jokes or poke fun at my dad in the little space we’d created for ourselves in our minds. They told me they loved me every day, even when I’d stopped telling them back.”

Hux ran his lips over Ren’s shoulder, placing kisses there.

“That sounds lovely,” Hux said, his fingers tangling tighter with Ren’s.

“Yeah,” Ren said, “It was.”

Their breathing began to even out and slow down as the hour grew later. Hux took Ren’s fingers in his and squeezed, then he kissed Ren’s hair. Hux moved his hand closer to Ren’s chest, so he could feel the breath in Ren’s lungs and the heart beating in his chest. He felt all of Ren’s bare skin against his, the perfectly round ass pressed into his cock for the last time. Ren must’ve just showered before climbing into bed, because his hair smelled like the non-regulation shampoo he liked to sneak on board the _Finalizer_. Hux wanted to say something else before Ren fell asleep, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

Hux breathed in his smell, burying his nose in Ren’s hair. Ren’s breathing had evened out more and Hux held him as closely and as tightly as possible in their last moments of drifting off to sleep together. Hux had something more to say and knew he had to say it now, while he had the chance, or he’d regret it forever.

“I don’t think I was happy a day in my life until I met you, Kylo.” Hux said softly, “I’m sorry we have to end this way. I love you.”

Ren didn’t respond and Hux knew he was asleep. Hux wanted to wake Ren up, to make sure he heard what Hux had meant to say two minutes earlier -- or even two _years_ earlier, but he couldn’t. Instead, he nestled his nose into the back of Ren’s neck and fell asleep too.

///

When Ren woke up the next morning, Hux was already gone. He unceremoniously got dressed, not bothering to shave or do anything to his hair. Very little of Hux’s stuff remained, just a few clothing items and some toiletries Ren figured he probably had duplicates of at his place -- or wherever he lived now. Probably with Astrid. Ren put on his boots and got dressed and left his unit with his helmet tucked under his arm. He thought about his last night with Hux, about their conversation on love. He couldn’t push the memories of his parents from his mind. He could smell the rosemary buntu bread his mother had taught him to make. He could taste the split green pea soup they’d eat for dinner at least once a week since it was his favorite. He could feel the _Falcon’s_ controls under his hands. He could feel his father’s hands touching his face for the last time. Ren refused to feel these emotions anymore, tabling them for later as he made his way to the hangar.

Hux sat in the largest conference room, the one that overlooked the hangar and the one where he’d been years earlier when he’d seen Ren both leave for and come back from training. He remembered the pang of disappointment he’d felt when Ren had left without saying goodbye and the surge of excitement he’d felt at watching Ren’s shuttle come in for landing, but that felt so long ago now. He and the most senior officers were sifting through classified data, data with the highest security clearance, and deciding what to keep, what to encrypt and what to destroy entirely.

 Hux glanced back down at the hangar. Ren’s shuttle sat there now, his crew waiting dutifully outside the ramp for the morning departure. Ren came stalking through a few moments later, his helmet still tucked under his arm. Ren had stopped caring about appearance and usually didn’t even wear his helmet - or even his full _Kylo Ren_ outfit. He was dressed today though and his expression was somber. Hux checked his datapad to see if he could pull up the shuttle’s itinerary. They were flying to D’Qar to try to resolve a conflict with the Resistance. Nothing else was listed on the itinerary and no further information was given. Hux watched, studying Ren’s stoic face. Ren said nothing to his crew as he boarded, and they followed suit once he was onboard. Moments later, the wings lifted and the ship rose, departing the hangar swiftly. Hux watched it until it disappeared from view, then turned back to the officers and the grim task at hand.

///

Ren returned to the _Finalizer_ four days later. D’Qar had been a massacre, again. With how lean the First Order was operating, Ren wasn’t even sure why they still bothered to show up.

The _Finalizer’s_ staff had too dwindled. Many had deserted. To where, Ren didn’t know or care, but he could feel that Hux was still there. He walked through the desolate halls and entered his suite, undressing promptly, leaving his clothes by the door and going to the bedroom. He’d hardly slept since he left. When he got to his room, he immediately felt the difference in the air, in the fibers of the room.

 _Hux’s stuff was gone._ The drawers, closet, nightstand -- even the bathroom had been cleared out. On the bathroom counter, a fairly large and fully-equipped medical supply kit, on top, a booklet of handwritten instructions. What to use for which injury, how much to use of certain medications, how to care for wounds. Ren noticed it wasn’t Hux’s handwriting. _Had Astrid taken time out of her day to write all this down?_ In front of the medical kit, a note. This one was Hux’s handwriting.

_Goodbye, Kylo. Take care of yourself, love. -Hux_

On top of the note, Hux had left the _Starkiller_ ring.

_/// Present_

Poe watched Ren out of the side of his eye as he took off. Ren’s eyes were gazing through the cockpit glass, fixated on Hux, who was leaning on his cane and watching the _Falcon_ rise, his _babysitters_ standing a few feet behind him.

“Baby,” Poe said softly, “Are you ok?”

Ren nodded, swallowing a lump in his throat. He looked at Hux one last time, his mess of red hair, his beard, his old sweater and his awful _stupid_ cane. He watched, looking at Hux for as long as he could, until Poe had lifted the _Falcon_ from the floor of the hangar and maneuvered it out into the sky.

When Hux had broken up with him, Ren had responded with a decided dullness. He hadn’t bothered to miss Hux or think about Hux or shed a tear for Hux. Instead, he’d distracted himself by making a plan for getting away from everything, from Hux, from Snoke, from the First Order.

But this time as he and Poe and the _Falcon_ left Hux behind on Takodana, his mind had nowhere else to go. He felt the lump creeping up his throat again and tears stinging his eyes.

“Baby?” Poe said again. Ren got up quickly, leaving the cockpit, again with BB-8 watching. Ren went to the _Falcon’s_ only cot and laid there, curling up into a ball and facing the wall.

“Ben, baby, can you talk to me,” Poe called over his shoulder as he guided them through Takodana’s atmosphere. As quickly and as he safely could, Poe got them up to cruising altitude, entered their destination coordinates, entered the calculations and then made the jump to lightspeed. As soon as they’d settled into lightspeed and autopilot was engaged, Poe rushed back to find Ren. BB-8 was there, beeping sadly.

“Thanks, bud, I’ve got it,” Poe said.

He found his Ren curled into a ball, silent sobs racking his body.

“Ben,” Poe murmured, approaching him gently and sliding onto the small cot next to him. Ren turned to face Poe, desperately curling up and tucking his head under Poe’s chin. Poe pulled him close, feeling the silent, heaving sobs that shook Ren’s body. Poe ran his fingers through Ren’s hair and kissed him.

“Baby,” Poe said softly a few minutes later, once the sobs had subsided, “I’m _so sorry_ baby. I’m so sorry I made you do this. Are you ok?”

Ren nodded and placed a kiss to Poe’s throat.

“You didn’t make do anything. I needed to, it’s just really hard,” Ren finally said, sniffling a bit. As awful as Poe felt, Ren’s little tiny sniffle was the cutest noise Poe had ever heard.

“I know, baby,” Poe said, kissing Ren’s hair constantly, “I know it’s hard. I’m sorry.”

Poe held Ren fiercely, protectively, as if he would disintegrate if Poe loosened his grip at all. “I love you,” Poe said, “I love you so much, Ben.”

Ren sniffled.

“I love you too, Poe.”

“I’m so sorry you’re hurting, baby,” Poe said, “I’m so sorry. I wish I could fix it.”

“It’s ok,” Ren said softly, sniffling again against Poe’s chest. He hiccuped. “You are fixing it. I’m sorry. I didn’t think -- I’m sorry I’m so sad. I didn’t think I’d be so sad.”

“It’s ok. You’re allowed to be sad, baby,” Poe said, “It’s alright. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Ren nodded and sniffled and hiccuped again into Poe’s chest again, settling there with a warm breath that made Poe’s muscles tingle.

“It’s ok, baby. I’m here. I’ve got you now.”

///

When Poe and Ren returned to Cronoe two days later with the wine, Leia was there to meet them and Chewie and Rey were there too, but mostly to meet their _Falcon_. Ren had missed his mom -- it was the longest he’d gone without seeing her since he’d returned home over a year ago. And even though it was just a few days, it had felt so much longer. He hugged her so close and tight that he lifted her from her feet and held her there. He held her protectively, and he he didn’t let her go even when his arms and shoulders began to ache.

“Ben, are you ok, honey?” Leia asked.

“I’m ok,” Ren said, still hugging her.

He wanted to share this moment with her -- this _homecoming_ moment. Ren’s homecoming a year ago hadn’t been this way. He’d simply woken up in a medical station and his mother had been there, but he’d been too ashamed to look her in the eyes for days. But they had this moment now, this bond, their minds communicating with one another in the space only they had. They each felt the other’s feelings, compounded with their own and it made Ren feel like _himself_ , like Ben. He finally set her down, kissing the top of her head. He was upset that she hadn’t told him about the camp on Rakata Prime, but that’d didn’t matter to him now.

“I’m never leaving you again, Mom,” he said, “I’ll never leave you again.”

///

The birthday party for Han took place four days later. The entire trip, the entire week, had been even more emotionally taxing than Ren had anticipated. Preparing for his late father’s honorary birthday celebration, a father he’d looked in the eyes and killed nonetheless, after saying goodbye to Hux, the first person he’d ever loved, for the final time proved to be more than Ren wanted to deal with.

He hadn’t gone into the base all that week, pawning his repair tickets and workload off on the other droid techs. He didn’t even have the energy to finish up the repairs on his own droids, one of which he’d intended to give to his mom at the party. Poe couldn’t stand to get up every morning and leave his Ren alone in bed, sad and puffy-eyed from the tears, so he’d not gone into the base either. They mostly just spent the week curled up in the bed he and Poe shared at his mother’s house, mostly naked, watching whatever programming was available on the Holoscreen and drinking tea.

On top of it all, he’d had awful visions that week -- visions that were worse than anything he’d had in months. Visions of Snoke hurting everyone he loved. Hurting Poe, hurting his mother, hurting Hux. Poe hated seeing Ren this way, seeing him wake up in the night covered in tears and a slick layer of sweat, feeling his vice-like grip grasping his arm to connect to something real and concrete. The mind-cooling therapist had promised these too would pass, but it did little to placate Poe’s worries in the present.

The day of the party, Ren was exceptionally sluggish. He looked from his window out at the backyard garden where the party set up was taking place. The New Republic event crew was there wheeling racks of tables and chairs out into the lawn and hanging up lights and setting out place cards. Leia was directing the caterers and arguing with Luke over where to set up the bar. Ren sighed, he knew that Han wouldn’t have done it this way. Han would’ve just roasted a dead animal over a fire on a spit and served it with some form of dark liquor, straight.

Ren moved away from the window and crawled back into bed with Poe.

“Can you stroke my hair like you usually do in the mornings?” Ren asked, snuggling up next to Poe’s side and trying to forget about the party prep taking place downstairs.

“Of course, baby,” Poe said, sitting up a bit so he could run his fingers through Ren’s hair.

Ren curled into Poe’s side further, wishing he could just hide there forever instead of facing everyone Han had ever known and cared about. Outside, Ren heard the live band, one of Han’s favorites, doing a sound check.

“I hate that we’re throwing this party for him and he can’t even be here to see it,” Ren said softly.

Poe wasn’t sure what to say, if Ren even wanted him to say anything, so instead he just held him.

“Promise you won’t leave me tonight?” Ren asked, “You’ll stay next to me all night?”

“Of course, babe,” Poe said and kissed Ren’s hair again.

///

Ren sipped the wine they’d retrieved from the Outer Rim and looked around the party. Roughly 150 people were there, all talking and laughing and drinking and milling around in nice clothes.

Ren hated it. Han would’ve hated it. Poe stood next to him, a hand on his back, also sipping the wine and hating it.

“How do you like the wine?” Poe asked, “The one from the Outer Rim?”

“It’s repulsive,” Ren said.

Poe laughed. “It’s really not very good.”

Ren looked around, he’d greeted everyone he’d wanted to and now he really just wanted to go upstairs and be alone with his boyfriend. Poe rubbed Ren’s back, sensing his unease as the dinner call sounded.

People moved to sit at their assigned tables as the waiters began serving dinner. Leia, Ren, Luke, Rey, Chewie, C3PO, Lando and Poe sat at the head table, with the droids, R2D2 and BB-8 nearby. Ren didn’t much taste the dinner or engage in conversation. Luke and Leia really liked the dreadful Outer Rim wine, and had had a lot of it by dinner. They were chatty, but Ren knew they both missed Han terribly.

After dinner, they had a toast scheduled, but as chatty as Leia was, Ren knew that she didn’t want to give it. Luke offered to say a few words instead, but it was harder than it thought he’d be. About halfway through, he became too emotional and had to cut it short. Ren hadn’t been asked to give a toast, and everyone was surprised when he stood, taking his time to collect his thoughts and words before he spoke. He felt Poe’s eyes on him.

“My parents tried throwing me birthday parties when I was a kid,” Ren said, “But I didn’t have many friends, so the party attendance understandably suffered.”

Everyone chuckled lightly, remembering what a disagreeable tyrant young Ben was.

“They tried that for a few years, then gracefully just gave up. After that we celebrated my birthday with trips to whatever planet I wanted to go to, and I liked that much more. My dad would fly us out and we’d spend the whole day there and usually camp overnight so we could see the stars.”

All eyes were on him.

“For my eighth birthday we went to Endor. We’d always liked it there. We camped out on the eastern coast and my mom went to bed early, but my dad let me stay up late to see the stars. He held me really close and told me that he couldn’t wait to take me to see all the planets one day.”

Ren looked down to collect his thoughts.

“He held me all night and I remember I’d never felt safer. He told me that I reminded him of his favorite star system. Bright and complex and vast. But he told me that he loved me more than anything and that of all the planets and nebulae and star systems the galaxy had created, none of them were as perfect as me.”

Ren looked down again.

“Over the last few years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking that I didn’t deserve him. That he was a really great father who was wasted on me. And that if weren’t for me, he’d still be alive.”

Ren felt his mom and Luke. Their sadness pressed on him, but he continued anyways.

“But I’ve realized that the person I am today is entirely because of him. I think he knew the only way to bring me back was for me to lose something I cared about. Something I cared about more than I knew.”

Ren paused again.

“His death changed me. It made me realize what really matters to me, and what I really care about. It changed the course of my life.”

Ren looked down now and picked up his toasting glass.

“I think about him every day and I miss him every day. He was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I love him endlessly.”

///

Ren was curled up into Poe, his face buried in Poe’s chest as Poe held him, his body again shaking with sobs later that night. He’d cried a lot that week. He’d cried more just that week than he had in the previous two decades. His mind-cooling therapist said that it was good that he was crying, that he was giving his pain a voice and an outlet. She said it was good for him, but Ren hated it, and he knew he wasn’t great to be around lately -- and he couldn’t help but think that Poe was anything less than saint for putting up with it all.

He cried into Poe’s chest and Poe held him and kissed protectively, wishing he could do more to alleviate Ren’s suffering. After the speech, Ren had hugged his mom and she’d cried too. The mood of the party after Ren’s speech was much more somber, and he felt like he’d ruined the night, but everyone told him how great the speech had been.

He’d stayed strong for the party, putting on a brave face when all he wanted to do was go up to his bedroom and cry into Poe. Luke and Leia had stayed up after the guests left, drinking more Outer Rim wine and reflecting on memories of Han. They’d invited Ren to join them, but he couldn’t do it. Instead, he kissed them both goodnight and went up to bed with Poe.

That had been an hour earlier and he was still crying. Poe wasn’t sure how his body was still capable of producing tears, but he held Ren anyways. Ren eventually fell asleep, his shaking sobs subsiding to silent tears, subsiding to fitful sleep.

_/// Thirteen Months Earlier_

It wasn’t until Ren packed up to leave the _Finalizer_ for good that he realized just how little he really had left in his life. He looked around his penthouse and realized all of it was meaningless. His entire life, his present past and future, could be boiled down to the few items he was taking with him, which he’d laid out on the bantha fur rug: his lightsaber, his pendant, two linen shirts, a sweater, a pair of joggers, canvas shoes, basic toiletries, two _Starkiller_ rings, the medical kit, a canteen of water, tree nuts, rolled oats and that _stupid_ cactus.  

He put the pendant around his neck, then put the rest of the items into a black canvas pack and slung it over his shoulder. He looked around the space one last time and allowed himself a few minutes to think of the memories it held -- of Hux. The sofa he and Hux had liked to curl up on late at night to drink and watch the Holoscreen. The rug they’d liked to have sex on. The countertop and table where they’d shared meals. He moved down the hall to the bedroom they’d shared for years, the bed that they’d made their safe space, the closet where they’d kept their clothes, the shower they’d used together almost everyday, the mirror Hux had looked into when he’d first said _I love you_ to Ren.

Ren hated it. He hated this place. He wanted to lash out, to destroy it all. But he wanted to make a quiet and quick exit, so instead he turned, picked up his helmet and left the suite, shutting the door on that part of his life for good. It was nearly 0300 hours and the halls were empty. Fewer and fewer staff and stormtroopers were left on the _Finalizer_ with each day. But Hux was still there, and Ren knew that even at this hour, Hux was probably awake, either on the bridge or in his unit with _Astrid_. Ren thought about getting back on the lift, going to the 31st floor, showing up at Hux’s door and choking the life out of him and throwing that stupid medical kit back at Astrid. But again, he wanted to make a quick and quiet exit. Also he’d probably need the medical kit.

He walked quickly, not caring to reflect on memories anymore. In the few weeks since the break up with Hux, he’d responded by numbing everything. He didn’t have the energy to deal with feelings, but he’d allowed himself to feel anger, only for the purpose of fueling his actions, and he’d created silence in the place of any other feelings that wanted to arise. He’d refused to cry over Hux.

He arrived at the hangar, quiet and unattended at this hour. They’d used to keep it staffed 24/7, but they didn’t have the resources to do that anymore. His shuttle was in the hangar and he approached it, his helmet tucked under his arm. He lowered the ramp and entered, making sure the ship’s systems were all intact and that he had plenty of fuel to get him to Ithor. He wasn’t sure when or if he’d be able to refuel again.

He departed the hangar as quietly as possible and set a course for Ithor, then made the jump for lightspeed. The trip would take 10 hours. Ren removed his layers and left them in a heap on a floor. He dressed in his joggers and the sweater, then sat on the floor and a ate a few handfuls of nuts. The ship hummed beneath him and he sat back against the wall. He hadn’t felt lonely in a long time, but he felt it now as he traveled through the vast expanse of space with no one by his side. Hux was gone, he’d abandoned his Knights and Snoke would soon be gone too.

Ren crossed his legs and shut his eyes and tried to meditate.

He’d been thinking about his mom lately. Reaching out to her, looking for her signals and her specific wavelength. He thought about returning to her, but he couldn’t imagine that she wanted him back, not after everything he’d done. There was emptiness in the space where he’d once communicated with Snoke. He blocked Snoke out as much as he could lately, but now he wanted Snoke to find him.

Ren found Snoke first, in solitude, in the temple, awaiting Kylo Ren.

///

Ren purposely landed his shuttle a couple of miles from the temple. He wanted a long walk. He wanted Snoke to feel him coming. Ithor was a perfectly ludicrous forest planet, with bizarre vegetation growing from every inch of its surface. The ground temperature was uncomfortably hot and humid, so Ren didn’t even bother getting dressed up as the _Kylo Ren_ Snoke had created: the cumbersome layers, the heavy mask, the thick boots, the altered voice, the tracking devices. He didn’t want to give Snoke the satisfaction of seeing him that way again.

He just wore his joggers and pendant necklace, no shirt, no shoes. He carried his lightsaber in hand since he didn’t have a belt to clip it to and slowly made his way to the temple. The planet seemed to make noise and shift beneath his footsteps, the odd trees moving to shade him from the planet’s intolerable sunlight. Uncatalogued critters scampered around beneath his feet and bugs too small to see with the naked eye buzzed around his head. He ignored it all, even the sweat that stung his eyes and focused solely on the one task he’d come here to do.

He felt surprisingly indifferent and detached about it all. The weeks he’d spent weighing on this decision had been taxing, but he felt nothing now as he climbed the temple steps, his body dripping with sweat and his hair clinging to his face and neck. He’d been to this temple only once before, when the Resistance had first started gaining momentum a few years ago and Snoke had gone into temporary seclusion. Snoke only hid here when he didn’t want to be found, sending Ren instead to resolve his conflicts.

The temple was cooler, having been built to dissipate the planet’s insufferable heat and piercing rays. The temple’s stone was cool to the touch, and it felt nice under Ren’s bare feet. Apart from Snoke, it was completely empty. Ren walked through the temple, lightsaber in hand, taking his time and not rushing his steps. After walking the long hall, Ren arrived at the temple’s largest chamber, a space completely absent of sunlight, and found Snoke sitting on an underwhelming stone seat, on a platform elevated just a few steps above ground level. Ren entered the space and looked directly at Snoke, forcing his eyes to adjust to the darkness quicker than was typical. His irises dilated and he saw Snoke’s figure now, clad in tattered grey robes, his mutilated face scowling at Ren, the cavernous space left by his missing jaw deep and dark and impossibly shadowy. They didn’t often meet face to face and Ren was always surprised by just how _small_ Snoke was. They stared at each other for a few minutes in complete silence, tension and the unseen Force filling the space between them. Snoke spoke first.

“You’ve come to kill me, Kylo Ren.”

Even his voice was smaller without the looming theatrics added by the holo projection chamber on the _Finalizer_. Ren said nothing, just moved closer to stand before Snoke, leaving only about 10 or 12 feet to separate them.

“And you don’t intend to stop me,” Ren said, his eyes burning into Snoke’s.

“You’re foolish,” Snoke said, “You always have been.”

Ren said nothing.

“Killing me will accomplish little, if anything,” Snoke said slowly, “It won’t resolve the anger you feel towards me, it will fuel it. It won’t keep me out of your head, it will only make me stronger.”

Ren had already considered that.

“But you’ve considered that.”

Snoke stood now, straightening as much as he could.

“Do what you intend to do or leave,” Snoke said.

Ren stared at him.

“Your mind is made up, is it not?” Snoke said, taking two of the steps slowly, “Why the delay?”

Ren didn’t speak. He had just one line left to deliver to Snoke, but he was saving it. This conversation had mostly already played out in their minds before Ren had even arrived.

Snoke took the few remaining steps down to floor level, his pace slow and his bones creaking, then began making his way towards Ren. “You’re angry. You operate solely out of anger, Kylo Ren. You always have.”

Snoke still came toward him, but with great difficulty. “I’ve upset you and now you’ll kill me. You are a perpetual child.”

Snoke took another few steps, his hands clasped behind his back now. Ren honestly had expected more insightful last words from the master he’d praised.

“You intend to kill me and put an end to the First Order and what? Leave General Hux in charge?”

 _Wrong._ Ren didn’t care about the First Order. He ignited his saber as Snoke neared him.

“Go on. Now is the time, Kylo Ren. Strike me down. You’ll only regret it.”

Ren swirled his saber.

“This is for my father,” he said simply, and in three quick movements had paralyzed Snoke in his tracks, closed the distance between them and swiped the saber’s blade through his neck.

Ren turned immediately, not bothering to watch Snoke’s head roll or his body fall. He retracted his saber and left the temple.

///

Ren could sense that things were coming to a head at Undu. General Hux was there. General Organa was there and Ren was on his way there. He left Ithor and charted a course for Onderon. He was nearby, so the final journey would take only 2 hours. By his calculations, he had barely enough fuel to get there, so he reserved all the energy he could, setting the shuttle on autopilot and shutting down every other unnecessary function, including the overhead lights and reducing the temperature control to keep the cabin just warm enough to sustain human life. He sat on the floor, engulfed in darkness, his back against the wall and the coldness of space creeping in and cooling him, drying the sweat from Ithor and making his hairs stand on end. He shut his eyes to meditate and find his mother, but the first thing he felt was Snoke.

_Hello, Ren._

Snoke’s voice tore through him. It hit him with impossible momentum. The sound of Snoke in his mind, reverberating around his head and bouncing off the insides of his skull was debilitating. It had even registered in his eardrums, leaving a trickle of blood as evidence. The impact had felt like an actual blunt-force head trauma and even after the worst of it had passed, Snoke’s voice continued to echo around inside of his head.

_Thank you for killing me. You’ve managed only to bring me closer._

The second and third sentences were as loud as the first. Ren closed his eyes tightly, instinctively bringing his hands up to hold his head as if he’d been physically struck. When Ren realized his hands wouldn’t do any good, he straightened and tried to push him away, tried to locate his mother. He couldn’t. There was a ringing in his ears and a lightness in his skull. He felt confused and nauseated.

He tried to ignore the ringing, growing only louder and tried again to focus his thoughts on one sole objective: find Leia. But all he could do was focus on Snoke -- on getting Snoke out of his head. He tried for nearly thirty minutes. The effort to push Snoke from his mind was so much that Ren broke a sweat, despite the near freezing temperature in his shuttle and gritted his teeth and clenched his fists so hard that his fingernails broke the skin of his palms. Even with his efforts, Snoke remained fixed at the forefront of his mind.

He hadn’t eaten in hours, but he vomited. Mostly sour, stinging bile, and remnants of tree nuts. He fell back and curled onto his side, as another wave of nausea hit him and he dry heaved several times before his head fell, hitting the floor. He felt overcome with fatigue and shut his eyes and tried to swallow the remaining bile that threatened to creep up. His breathing had sped up, but it evened out now, settling into a slow rhythm. He forced his eyes open and tried to fight the fatigue, but after a few moments, had to surrender to it. As he fell asleep, he heard Snoke, softer now.

_That’s the best you can do, Kylo Ren? You disappoint me even in death._

///

Ren awoke to the sound of the autopilot shut off warning. He sat up slowly and looked around, his eyes unwilling to adjust to the darkness he’d created. He stood up slowly and found the cockpit, squinting at the harsh light of the planet’s atmosphere. He sat in the pilot’s seat and tried to steady the shuttle. His ears were still ringing and he felt dizzy and nauseated. He swallowed. Landing was difficult without a copilot, but Ren managed to touch the plane down a few miles outside of Undu, the capital city of the planet Onderon. The generals were supposed to meet in the capitol building, presumably to draw up a surrender, but Ren had a feeling that neither one of them -- his mother nor Hux -- had made it there.

He dressed in his full layers, cowl and helmet included, slung the canvas pack over his chest, secured his lightsaber to his belt and and tried to steady himself as he de-boarded the shuttle. He likely wouldn’t be able to return to it, but he didn’t care to bid it goodbye. The scene was dismal, but he wasn’t interested in the battle, he wanted only to find his mother. To see her, to apologize, and then he’d flee. He knew that he couldn’t return with her -- he couldn’t ask for forgiveness. He had done too much to be forgiven -- to be pardoned by his mother, the resistance, the galaxy. He knew that wasn’t an option at this point. He wanted only to see her and apologize and say goodbye, then he’d steal a ship and flee -- likely to Utapau, where he’d thought about going with Hux.

Even though he didn’t care about the battle, the scene was admittedly more violent than Ren had anticipated. Undu, normally a stately city that engaged in political matters, given the absence of the Hosnian System, was already near ruin. Everyone had converged upon what was just supposed to have been a treaty signing: stormtroopers, resistance soldiers, X-Wing fighters, TIE fighters, politicians and unfortunate civilians. It was nightmarish. Ren moved through, trying to ignore the nausea and and ringing in his ears from the communication with Snoke, and using his lightsaber only defensively. He figured he’d be something of a target, but he hadn’t expected to meet a scene like this one.

Even with his impaired thoughts, he could feel that this was the First Order’s final gasp for air. He also felt Snoke, taunting him in the background and reminding him there was nowhere in the galaxy he could go where he couldn’t find him.

With Snoke occupying the forefront of his thoughts, Ren hadn’t sensed the blaster shot that grazed his side as he neared the capitol. He winced and cursed under his breath. The shot burned, sending fiery signals of pain through all his nerve endings, but it slowed him down only slightly. He didn’t care about flesh wounds anymore. He deflected a few more shots with his saber, but he was then grazed by another. He did his best to ignore it. The capitol building was in view.

_Your skills are failing you, Kylo Ren. You’re weaker now without me, but you already knew that would be the case._

Ren ignored him, but not quickly enough. By the time he sensed it, it was too late. The force of the explosion propelled him forward, and there was nothing he could do to stop it, and the last thing he saw was a black X-Wing fighter fly overhead.

///

Hux hid in the capitol building’s courtyard, awaiting an evac transport and cursing the Resistance. The treaty signing had gone awry, with the unsanctioned blaster and laser cannon fire scaring both sides into taking offensive action instead of reaching a peace agreement. How the scene had escalated to such a state, Hux wasn’t sure, but if their evac transport didn’t arrive soon he was certain they wouldn’t be getting out. 

“What’s their ETA?” Hux yelled to Phasma, who was leading the small squadron of stromtroopers who had been assigned to deliver Hux safely to the transport.

“Three minutes, sir,” she responded. Hux decided that wasn’t so bad and relaxed into the wall, squatting on his heels and staying low as he’d been instructed.

“Do you know if Kylo Ren is here?” Hux asked Phasma.

“No, sir,” Phasma said, “No sign of him.”

Hux nodded. Probably for the best. He looked around him at the destruction and decided that after he left here, it was high time to initiate a full retreat, take what was left of the First Order’s resources and personnel and go into hiding. _Should’ve done that weeks ago_ , Hux thought, cursing his own pride now.

“Phasma?” Hux said, having to yell now as fire from an X-Wing fighter drew nearer.

“Sir?”

“How long is our journey to the _Finalizer_?”

“I can’t hear you, sir.”

“How long will our journey be to --”

An explosion in the center of courtyard muted Hux’s words, forcing him back into the wall, his head taking the brunt of the impact. His vision blurred for a few moments and when it cleared, he saw the most of his troopers had been wiped out by the blast. _Great._ Hux cursed under his breath and looked for Phasma. She was standing now, looking for Hux.

“General, stay down!” Phasma yelled. Hux did as he was told, but a fiery singe still caught his leg. _A blaster?_ Hux looked around, several Resistance fighters were engaging the remaining stormtroopers. It burned horribly and Hux looked at it. Singed skin and blood already seeping from it.

 _Fuck,_  Hux said to himself, placing his hands over the wound to keep pressure on it.

Phasma yelled to him. “Are you hit, sir?”

Hux nodded. Phasma yelled for a medic trooper, but there weren’t any left. She instead rushed over, tearing off a piece of her already torn cape.

“Tie this around it sir,” she said. Hux nodded and did as he was told, then settled back into the relative safety of the wall and tried to ignore the pain. He was content to stay there until the evac arrived, when he saw, in the rubble of the explosion, the glistening silver of Kylo Ren’s helmet. Hux rose, again ignoring the pain in his leg.

“Sir, stay low!” Phasma yelled.

“It’s Ren!” Hux said.

“What?”

“Kylo Ren!” Hux said, pointing.

Phasma looked. “I can’t see him, sir.”

“He’s here!” Hux said, standing now to his full height. He couldn’t seen Ren now either, but he was _positive_ he’d seen the glimmer of his helmet.

The pain in Hux’s leg was excruciating as he moved forward to see if he could spot Ren again.

“General! Against the wall!”

Hux ignored her and moved forward anyways, wincing as he did.

“He’s out there,” Hux said, looking up at the sky to check for X-Wings. With none in sight, he moved out to the courtyard, struggling with each movement. Phasma stepped in front of him.

“He’s not here, General.”

“He is,” Hux said.

“I’ll send a trooper to check.”

Hux glared at her, but stood back as she sent the troopers to check the spot where Hux thought he saw Ren. Phasma listened to the communication in her helmet.

“It’s him,” Phasma said, “He’s injured. Critically. We don’t know if we can-”

Hux ignored her and broke free, moving as quickly as he could, given his state of his leg, across the open courtyard and not stopping even as the Phasma pursued. The pain was unbearable, and Hux couldn’t understand how Ren was still able to function even when wounded by _several_ blaster shots. He pushed the pain away as best he could. He couldn’t stop. Not until he saw Ren. The troopers were crowded over him and Hux shoved them away, kneeling next to Ren.

“Sir we don’t know how to remove his-”

Hux reached for the airlock releases on either side and waited for the hiss before removing the helmet from Ren’s head. The troopers went to lift Ren.

“Sir, the evac is approaching,” one of the troopers said, “ETA thirty seconds.”

“He’s not coming with us,” Hux said, “Put him down.”

“Sir?”

“He’s not coming with us!”

Hux looked at Ren and pulled out his comm. He’d been communicating with General Organa about treaty negotiations over the last few days, and he messaged her now.

“Sir, are you _messaging_ someone right now?” The trooper yelled.

Hux ignored him and used the comm’s Locator to pinpoint his coordinates. He then sent them in a message to General Organa: _+40.689060  -74.044636. Ben’s here._

///

When Ren’s eyes opened again, Hux was there, blurry, but there nonetheless. He couldn’t hear anything besides the ringing in his ears, but he could make out Hux’s lips moving. Ren felt cold throughout his whole body and he knew that he was bleeding massively from _somewhere_. Hux must’ve taken the helmet off. No one else knew how to remove it.  

“Ren!”

Ren heard him now, the ringing from the blast subsided just a bit.

“Ren, can you hear me?”

Ren managed a nod.

“I have to go. I have to leave you here for now. But they’re coming to collect you, alright?”

Ren only looked at him. Someone from behind them yelled Hux’s name. A stormtrooper. He turned.

“I’m coming!” Hux yelled, then he turned back to Ren.

“The resistance is coming to get you. I flagged your mum, alright? I’ve sent them your coordinates.”

“Hux?”

Hux bent closer, raising a bloodied hand to Ren’s hairline.

“General Hux!” The same trooper from before.

“Ren,” Hux said, “Can you hear me?”

Ren nodded.

“I love you,” Hux said.

Ren still nodded. “I love you too,” he murmured.

Hux bent and placed a kiss to Ren’s forehead, not caring about Phasma and the troopers who watched him.

“They’ll be here soon, love.”

“General! We have to leave _now_!” Phasma this time.  

Hux stood with great difficulty, falling back down on his right side as he did and the troopers rushed to help him, dragging him away, his eyes fixated on Ren all the while. Ren held Hux’s gaze for as long as he could, then let his head drop to the ground when it became too much, feeling himself getting colder, knowing he couldn’t stand to lose much more blood. Seconds later, Ren saw the First Order evac shuttle overhead. Hux was gone.

Ren swallowed, feeling blood in his throat. His eyes clouded and he started to welcome the idea of dying at Undu. It hadn’t been part of his initial plan, but he had nowhere to go anyways. He wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of living the rest of his life alone on Utapau. He was certain he’d never find love again -- no one could love him -- and even if he did find love, he would never be able to forget Hux. A cold chill crept through his body. If he died here, he’d be free of Snoke. Free of the anger and rage that had taken over him and festered in his core until it occupied all of his waking thoughts and dictated his actions. Free of the guilt that ate away at him for all the things he’d done.

He relaxed into the cool earth, deciding in that moment that death was the best outcome -- and then taking pleasure in the decision, in the finality of it. He felt the cool stone beneath him, supporting him there like a morbid cradle, and felt the coldness in his body, evidence of the lack of blood. He took one last look at the sky, glancing around as much as he could at the destruction around him. Another explosion sounded somewhere near him, but that really didn’t matter now.

He heard the scream of TIE fighters above him, fewer and fewer now and saw the triumphant swirling of the X-Wing fighters too. He tried to reach out to his mom to say goodbye, but he was too tired to project to her. He shut his eyes on the world, bidding it goodbye as well and enjoying the deafening silence that then enveloped his mind. No Snoke, no nightmares. Just silence and space. As he felt colder and colder, his only thoughts were of his father. How his father had wanted to love and protect him from a galaxy and from a Supreme Leader who only wanted to destroy him. Through his closed eyes, he saw the pendant on his fifth birthday, being opened and lifted from it’s box.

It was one of his earliest memories. He’d just started primary school and he’d just started having clear visions of and communications from Snoke. When it became too much, he’d lash out, too young to know how to control his use of the Force. He’d feel Snoke in his mind and send books, chairs, tables and and eventually students and teachers flying across the room. His parents had taken him to Luke for counseling, but Han, wanting to help too, had chosen now to give him the pendant.

Ren saw himself, a five-year-old Ben, balanced carefully on his father’s leg and holding the pendant with his chubby little fingers, coated with icing from the cake his mother had made him. Ren saw Han placing the pendant around Ben’s neck and promising that it would keep him safe, always, even if Han couldn’t.

Ren saw himself, nine, and learning how to fly, listening carefully to his dad’s instructions, but not actually _following_ them because he figured he knew better, now with a few weeks of flying experience under his belt. He saw himself, twelve, now mostly allied with Snoke because it was the only place he found peace and silence, and hating his parents because of it. He saw himself, thirteen, being sent away to train under Luke on a planet that didn’t even have Holoweb access, refusing to hug his mom and dad goodbye when he left, but remembering how much he’d wanted to.

He stopped there, choosing to opt out of re-living the rest. He was almost gone and he’d made full peace with leaving this galaxy, when he felt arms lift him up.

/// EPILOGUE

Ren and Poe held hands as they climbed to the top of their favorite Gysper Rapids overlook. The day was even more beautiful and perfect than when they’d visited on their very first date nearly a year and a half earlier: the lush greenery, rich blue sky, puffy white clouds, smooth grey boulders and flowering trees, covered entirely in white blossoms. Ren was nervous and excited, his cheeks flushed and his hand gripping Poe’s. Like their first time here, he again opted to climb barefoot.

“I can’t wait for you to see it, baby,” Poe said, feeling Ren’s excitement almost seeping from his pores. Ren smiled, quickening their pace a bit because he just _couldn’t_ wait any longer. They reached the summit about ten minutes later and Ren stopped in his tracks.

It was _unreal._

The grove Poe had chosen was _covered_ with the white flowering trees they’d seen on the climb, with hundreds and hundreds of white blossoms dotting their view of the perfectly blue sky and coast. The sun was low in the sky, casting long, elegant shadows across the entire grove. White garden lights were strung up from poles decorated with flowers and there tables with white tablecloths blowing gently in the breeze, surrounded too by matching white chairs. The sun reflected brilliantly on the water, with the sound of the rapids in the background.

Their friends and family turned to look, quieting when they saw Poe and Ren approach.

“What do you think, baby?” Poe whispered.

Ren squeezed Poe’s hand and took it all in. The beautiful scenery, the beautiful people who were gathered there, the tears already clouding his mom’s eyes. Poe took in Ren’s expression, and it was just what he’d imagined when he’d been planning their wedding: he’d imagined his soon-to-be husband seeing their wedding venue for the first time, his eyes lighting up, his hand squeezing Poe’s, his mouth trying to form words.

Ren hated event planning, he’d just wanted to sign the license and be married, but he knew how much Poe and his mom had wanted to plan a wedding, so he’d let them do it. Poe and Leia had planned everything, with help from Rey while Ren had waited anxiously, daring to intrude on Poe’s thoughts and his mom’s thoughts to sneak glimpses or details of what his wedding day would be like.

Poe and Ren both wanted a simple ceremony and reception. They’d invited just close family and friends, only about 50 people total, most of whom had opted to be dropped off at the wedding site via shuttle transport instead of making the climb like Poe and Ren had. Ren looked at it all. Everyone he loved and cared for was there: Leia, Rey, Luke, Chewie, Lando, Finn. The droids: BB-8, C-3PO, R2-D2. His friends from the base. Poe’s father and his late mother’s sisters. A few old allies of the Rebellion who’d known Ben as a kid. A few Ewoks.  _Hux and Astrid._ Ren’s eyes caught theirs. Hux smiled at him, a discreet wave and Astrid’s arm locked in his. He was standing up on his own and didn’t appear to be in any discomfort, no cane in sight. Hux gave him a little thumbs-up. Astrid smiled too, waving a bit and squeezing Hux’s arm.

“Baby?” Poe said softly, “What do you think?”

Ren still hadn’t said anything. All eyes were on them.

“I can’t,” Ren began, “Poe. It’s perfect. It’s so perfect.”

“You like it, babe?” Poe asked.

“Fuck,” Ren said, “I love it.”

Ren turned to kiss Poe and the audience gave a collective cheer. They kissed for what was probably too long for a public audience and then Poe pulled back and looked him in the eye.

“Are you ready to get married, baby?”

///

The ceremony was simple, with Lando officiating. Somewhere along his career path, he’d chosen to become a minister with civic duty authorities falling under his jurisdiction. They married overlooking the coast, facing each other and holding hands.

Ren looked at Poe -- at his _husband_. Poe was looking back at him, an excited and almost childish smile on his lips and eternal eager lightness in his eyes. His hair was nicely coiffed for their wedding day, but still a bit rugged and imperfect from their climb, just how Ren liked it. His dark eyes were fixated on Ren’s, a promising and loving gaze that sent chills down Ren’s spine. Lando prompted them to recite their personal vows, which would then be followed by the formal vows that accompanied the exchange of rings. Ren collected his thoughts before speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear.

“Before I met you, I didn’t have any expectation of ever falling in love or being loved,” Ren began, “I liked to think of myself as better off alone, as not needing human companionship, as not needing to be loved, not needing a lover. I met you, just thinking it’d be nice to have someone to talk with sometimes. My heart was closed off to the idea of falling in love, of finding a partner, of being loved so deeply by someone.”

Ren squeezed Poe’s fingers.

“It usually takes me a while to warm up to people, but I immediately liked you. I immediately felt safe and comfortable and warm around you. I could sense that you’d forgiven me for how I’d hurt you in the past and it amazed me that you were so willing to not only forgive and forget, but to love me selflessly.”

Ren couldn’t look away from Poe’s eyes, the connection between them palpable and intoxicating.

“I didn’t think I had the capacity to love anyone so much. But you’ve changed me and you’ve saved me and I love you forever, more than I could ever say. I’ll love you and support you and be with you until we return to dust, and there’s nothing in galaxy that could keep me from you.”

Ren felt Poe’s love radiating back at him and Poe let another childish grin slip before Lando prompted Poe to give Ren his vows.

“I thought I’d been in love once before I met you, Ben. I cared for someone deeply, and that person cared for me deeply, and I thought that constituted being in love.”

Poe looked at his husband, his dark wavy hair, his shining eyes, the moles Poe had counted time and time again and named after his favorite stars, the nose he loved to kiss, the lips that he couldn’t get enough of, the perfect ears Ren insisted on hiding under his hair, the asymmetrical grin that Ren tried to downplay.

“But in being with you, I’ve learned that love is really about two people bringing out the best in each other. You’ve brought out my caring and nurturing and protective side, to a degree I never thought possible -- and you complete me. In all the things I’ve done and accomplished in my life, none of it matters to me as much as loving you.”

Poe paused.

“You’re the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t want to exist a day in the galaxy unless you’re in it. I’ll love you and fight for you and give _anything_ to keep you safe and close. Each new day I spend with you is the greatest day I’ve ever lived, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Leia wept as Lando prompted them to exchange rings. Poe went first, BB-8 wheeling up to present both rings. Poe accepted the ring, made of black tourmaline just like Ren’s pendant, and slid it onto Ben’s finger while he repeated after Lando:

“I, Poe, take you, Ben, to be my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and my husband. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care for and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and to stay with you for all of eternity.”

Poe slid the ring onto Ren’s finger and looked up to meet his eyes. Lando gave the ring to Ren next and prompted him to repeat the vows:

“I, Ben, take you, Poe, to be my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and my husband. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care for and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and to stay with you for all of eternity.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was super long, but I couldn't stand to break it into two chapters. Just had to put it all out there. Thanks so much for everyone who's read, commented, bookmarked and left kudos. It means a lot to me! I hope you've all enjoyed it. 
> 
> The Cold Feeling is technically billed as a series, and I'm still working on details of its continuation. I have a few scenes written, but I haven't decided on an overall direction/purpose. It may or may not happen. In the meantime though, I have so many other fic ideas lined up: Kylux, Darkpilot and Stormpilot. 
> 
> I've returned to tumblr after having its staff help me clear about 3 years of triggering content. You're welcome to come message me! [a-sweater-poorly-knit](http://a-sweater-poorly-knit.tumblr.com/)
> 
> One more VERY IMPORTANT note: As I was working on this a couple days ago, I was watching Law and Order SVU and Adam Driver was in it. I died. He was so, so beautiful. He was playing a creepy stalker who attended strange sex parties dressed in a donkey mask and who lived with his mother and gave her foot massages on Thursday nights and I'm not even kidding when I say this might be my favorite role I've ever seen him in. He was wonderful and gorgeous and perfect. If you have Netflix, check it asap. It's Law and Order SVU: Season 13, episode 11, “Theater Tricks.”
> 
> FYI: Ben & Poe's wedding song is "Everlasting Light" by the Black Keys.


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